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My submissive has left me for another Dom. - 5/23/2011 8:43:40 AM

ZeroTolerance44

Posts: 17
Joined: 5/23/2011
Status: offline

I first met my sub on alt.com back in 2003, we were together on and off (distance was an issue, she in Devon, I was in London...200 miles) for about a year. We drifted apart probably because of the distance and also she was very low about other stuff in her life. I spent the next 2 years or so being single but all the while thinking about her. I sent the odd message ( email and text) but got no reponse until Christmas 2006. We got back in touch and she came to stay with me in London for extended periods and I would visit Devon.

Then I qiut my job (which I wanted to do) and moved down to Devon as she wanted to be near her family. After a while living at her parents big house we found a place of our own 18 months ago. Things were going well, I got a new job, which was good at first. The D/s relationship was progressing. Then earlier this year I started to have problems with my job, I was promised a managers position but they gave the job to someone else. I got a bit depressed and irritable about this and the D/s side of our relationship started to suffer. We started to argue about money. She found it difficult to find work due to her dyslexia and her depression (which she has had since I have known her).

Then about 3 weeks ago, she said she wanted to end our relationship. I thought it was going to be a case of some time apart and we would patch things up. Then I found out that she had been messaging other men online for about 4 or 5 weeks previously to her leaving. I also found out that she had set up a profile on this site and has found another Dom. She booked a train ticket to see him the very night she left me, spent 5 days there. When she got back, she told me she had feelings for him now and not for me. She says she loves me so much but is not in love with me.

Now...my question is..... Is she running into his arms purely for the D/s that was lacking at home with me, or is it more widespread than that?

I would appreciate any comments. Sorry this is so long but wanted to get a lot of detail down in the initial post.

Regards

Zero.

RE: My submissive has left me for another Dom. - 5/23/2011 8:47:30 AM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

Take all of the D/s words out of this post. Look at it as a vanilla relationship and ask yourself what went wrong.

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(in reply to ZeroTolerance44)

RE: My submissive has left me for another Dom. - 5/23/2011 8:49:47 AM

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

Move on.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

RE: My submissive has left me for another Dom. - 5/23/2011 8:56:49 AM

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I do not know what to say about the specifics of your situation. I am sorry for your pain, and if this is the real end of your relationship, know it does get better as time goes on.... even though it hurts like hell right now

_____________________________

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Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to ZeroTolerance44)

RE: My submissive has left me for another Dom. - 5/23/2011 9:05:09 AM

ZeroTolerance44

Posts: 17
Joined: 5/23/2011
Status: offline

Thank you julia.

Sorry for long post, just had to get it out of my system.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

RE: My submissive has left me for another Dom. - 5/23/2011 9:14:13 AM

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

Anyone that has had a significant relationship end painfully understands that.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to ZeroTolerance44)

RE: My submissive has left me for another Dom. - 5/23/2011 9:23:06 AM

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

Take all of the D/s words out of this post. Look at it as a vanilla relationship and ask yourself what went wrong.

Exactly.

The D/s is no magical cure or curse....just a flavour.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

RE: My submissive has left me for another Dom. - 5/23/2011 9:24:21 AM

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

Hello ZT (I am not gonna call you Zero - that doesn't bode well)...
(Of course ZT turns you into pasta. :) )

Relationships are difficult. A woman you cared about has left you for another man. The d/s is irrelevant frankly. I wish you lots of support, energy and time to manage whatever you need to manage.

best,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to juliaoceania)

RE: My submissive has left me for another Dom. - 5/23/2011 9:24:58 AM

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Move on.

Yes.

But to the OP: moving on does not necessarily mean this very minute seeking someone new just because she has someone.
If this were a long term vanilla relationship, would you have a personals ad up so soon?

You are still asking yourself the whys, looking at the hows of the end of this relationship.

Relationships take time to make and time to break.

Allow yourself the gift to heal from this one before you jump into another, even though loneliness truly does suck.

You will be doing yourself (and your next sub) a favor.

_____________________________

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(in reply to RedMagic1)

RE: My submissive has left me for another Dom. - 5/23/2011 9:39:27 AM

ZeroTolerance44

Posts: 17
Joined: 5/23/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Move on.

Yes.

But to the OP: moving on does not necessarily mean this very minute seeking someone new just because she has someone.
If this were a long term vanilla relationship, would you have a personals ad up so soon?

You are still asking yourself the whys, looking at the hows of the end of this relationship.

Relationships take time to make and time to break.

Allow yourself the gift to heal from this one before you jump into another, even though loneliness truly does suck.

You will be doing yourself (and your next sub) a favor.

Yes I know I should really give it time, you are right.

(in reply to angelikaJ)

RE: My submissive has left me for another Dom. - 5/23/2011 9:41:08 AM

ZeroTolerance44

Posts: 17
Joined: 5/23/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

Hello ZT (I am not gonna call you Zero - that doesn't bode well)...
(Of course ZT turns you into pasta. :) )

Relationships are difficult. A woman you cared about has left you for another man. The d/s is irrelevant frankly. I wish you lots of support, energy and time to manage whatever you need to manage.

best,
sunshine

Thank you sunshinemiss

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

RE: My submissive has left me for another Dom. - 5/23/2011 9:47:48 AM

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

Take all of the D/s words out of this post. Look at it as a vanilla relationship and ask yourself what went wrong.

I agree with this very thing. It's not that I don't feel bad for you, OP. I can tell you that, as a woman, I've got a feeling that some of us can tell why she left. Is there a chance that your depression made her feel like you had already taken some of yourself out of the relationship *before* she picked up and left? That's what depression can often do to people. You may see that, you may not, but maybe she did.

I'm very sorry that your dynamic ended. I hope that you will be happier in the future.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

RE: My submissive has left me for another Dom. - 5/23/2011 9:52:47 AM

Posts: 5757
Status: offline

quote:

You are still asking yourself the whys, looking at the hows of the end of this relationship.

Relationships take time to make and time to break.

Yeah she just happened to do hers while still attached to him. At least one of them is grieving well.

Count yourself lucky.

_____________________________

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(in reply to angelikaJ)

RE: My submissive has left me for another Dom. - 5/23/2011 11:09:27 AM

Posts: 541
Joined: 10/25/2010
Status: offline

There are several more problems within the relationship that you mentioned in the relatively brief summary of your relationship than a lack of d/s. The two of you were not functioning as a unit very well and instead of standing tall to work on it she decided to look for the next relationship to start. My advice is to take some time and learn the lessons that this relationship has afforded you and then move on with your head held high. I am quite sorry that you are dealing with this though i also know that you will cope

(in reply to ZeroTolerance44)

RE: My submissive has left me for another Dom. - 5/23/2011 11:15:38 AM

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

To be fair to the OP, both of them had issues with depression.

Sorry for your pain, but as others have said, take some time to get yourself back together. Nothing is ever solved in moving from relationship to relationship. The essential issues are always there and you still have the other person renting space in your head.

(in reply to coookie)

RE: My submissive has left me for another Dom. - 5/23/2011 11:25:54 AM

ZeroTolerance44

Posts: 17
Joined: 5/23/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: coookie

There are several more problems within the relationship that you mentioned in the relatively brief summary of your relationship than a lack of d/s. The two of you were not functioning as a unit very well and instead of standing tall to work on it she decided to look for the next relationship to start. My advice is to take some time and learn the lessons that this relationship has afforded you and then move on with your head held high. I am quite sorry that you are dealing with this though i also know that you will cope

Thank you. I will be ok, I`m not angry with her, more at myself, and sad.

(in reply to coookie)

RE: My submissive has left me for another Dom. - 5/23/2011 11:34:01 AM

tj444

Posts: 7574
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Icarys

quote:

You are still asking yourself the whys, looking at the hows of the end of this relationship.

Relationships take time to make and time to break.

Yeah she just happened to do hers while still attached to him. At least one of them is grieving well.

Count yourself lucky.

She was not working so no money to go off on her own, she needed to find another man to support her, likely she will find problems with that relationship too and repeat the process. Jmo, of course.

(in reply to Icarys)

RE: My submissive has left me for another Dom. - 5/23/2011 11:42:23 AM

ZeroTolerance44

Posts: 17
Joined: 5/23/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tj444

quote:

ORIGINAL: Icarys

quote:

You are still asking yourself the whys, looking at the hows of the end of this relationship.

Relationships take time to make and time to break.

Yeah she just happened to do hers while still attached to him. At least one of them is grieving well.

Count yourself lucky.

She was not working so no money to go off on her own, she needed to find another man to support her, likely she will find problems with that relationship too and repeat the process. Jmo, of course.

I have thought about this and I fear you are right. One of her quotes recently was `I am a grown woman and it is about time I started acting like one`..........this was in reaction to everyone wondering where she had gone to when she went off to see `him`.......!!

(in reply to tj444)

RE: My submissive has left me for another Dom. - 5/23/2011 11:46:46 AM

MistressDarkArt

Posts: 5178
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ZeroTolerance44

Thank you. I will be ok, I`m not angry with her, more at myself, and sad.

Self-anger usually translates to hurt. If you're hurt and sad about a meaningful relationship breaking up, that's a completely understandable human condition. You've had a significant loss. Grieve it and be kind to yourself.

(in reply to ZeroTolerance44)

RE: My submissive has left me for another Dom. - 5/23/2011 12:08:51 PM

tj444

Posts: 7574
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDarkArt

quote:

ORIGINAL: ZeroTolerance44

Thank you. I will be ok, I`m not angry with her, more at myself, and sad.

Self-anger usually translates to hurt. If you're hurt and sad about a meaningful relationship breaking up, that's a completely understandable human condition. You've had a significant loss. Grieve it and be kind to yourself.

Imo, the 2 of you should have acknowledged that there was a problem (problems) and at least attempt to find and work on solutions, its not easy but imo, it is a step that should be done first to see if the relationship can be salvaged.

But she instead decided to jump ship and once she decided to do that, she lied to you while she was attempting to find another meal ticket. That shows what she is about, that she was thinking only of herself and imo, if i were in your shoes, dam it, i would be mad at her, at least for her deceptions. But, on the other hand, now you know she was not a worthy sub, better you find that out now and good that she is gone. Ummm, she is gone now, isnt she? packed her bags and moved out or is she still there?

(in reply to MistressDarkArt)

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