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RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 2:34:03 PM

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Unless you are extremely, extremely, extremely co dependent, this can only lead to tears. Obviously you are hurt at the way he is treating you now, should this develop into a full time, real time relationship, can you handle being pushed away like this whenever the depression phase hits? Sounds like this is not the best time for him to be entering a new relationship either.
When I was a young woman, just out of college, I was involved with a guy I was madly in love with who was bi polar. Let's just say, it is a lot to deal with, and the relationship failed. I will say that I did not know much about this condition, and I probably did not handle it as well as I could have. If you are determined to "stand by your man", so to speak, than educate yourself about the condition and the best way to conduct yourself in a supportive relationship. And good luck to you.

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RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 2:36:23 PM

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quote:

He sent me a message on Friday saying that he was in a depressive phase and didn't want to talk. I got no further information until Monday, when I messaged him saying I needed to know everything was ok. I got a short answer. I begged him yesterday to talk to me because I was getting worried. He messaged me back saying we would talk today, but we didn't because he had a two hour doctor's appointment and discussed going in patient for a while. That information was relayed in a terse text telling me "for the love of Christ, back off".

So he told you twice he didn't want to talk and you're having a hard time accepting this. He found your worry intrusive.

quote:

I guess I feel hurt and disrespected that he didn't/doesn't feel it's necessary to even give me a hint that he's doing ok until I beg for it.

You're making his depressive symptoms about you. They are not.

quote:

I'm also feeling a huge amount of hurt over the fact that we were having some intense conversations with long distance D/s, which just stopped abruptly with no warning

He warned you on Friday. Again, this is not about you.

quote:

and no apology.

For real? The poor guy's got one foot in the psyche ward and you're concerned about an apology?

quote:

This whole episode has made me start reconsidering him as a good match for me.

This may be true, but his thinking he needs inpatient treatment is of more concern than your feelings getting hurt because he didn't talk to you after he warned you he wasn't going to.

quote:

Am I out of line in feeling that I've been treated unfairly?

Yes.

quote:

If we were "together", this would be much easier, I think.

You'd have different concerns. If you do decide to continue, I suggest you join NAMI.

(in reply to zigeuner)

RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 2:39:42 PM

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Men process way different than women. If a guy wants to talk, at some point he will, if he don't want to, he don't want to. You cant change it, and your trying to change it is not going to go well for you relationally.

This goes for all men, not just those who are nuts. Just because you are having mental issues does not make you not a man, for the most part. OK?

Tell him I am here when you want me to be, and leave him the fuck alone.

< Message edited by mnottertail -- 6/15/2011 2:41:13 PM >

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RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 2:47:58 PM

CynthiaWVirginia

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zigeuner, you need something from him that he cannot possibly give right now.

My sister is manic depressive, and when she feels herself slipping from too much stressors or because her meds are not working properly, she becomes the highest priority in her life. All of us expect this, even her daughter. If she has to check herself in while her meds are altered, then so be it.

I am really sorry that you are sort of abandoned right now, attached and needing what he cannot give you. Right now you need to decide if you will wait for him to contact you when he has good news, or if you will take time to grieve and move on and hope for a relationship that will not leave you feeling insecure about where you stand.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

(in reply to zigeuner)

RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 2:56:50 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

Men process way different than women. If a guy wants to talk, at some point he will, if he don't want to, he don't want to. You cant change it, and your trying to change it is not going to go well for you relationally.

This goes for all men, not just those who are nuts. Just because you are having mental issues does not make you not a man, for the most part. OK?

Tell him I am here when you want me to be, and leave him the fuck alone.

All true, but there is a big difference between "mental issues" and a severe, clinical mental illness requiring hospitalization. Also a big difference between not wanting to talk because they're temporarily "depressed" about something that happened, (called "situational depression"), internalizing it while they work it out and clinical depression with total self-absorption and no accountability for actions.

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RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 3:00:55 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama
So he told you twice he didn't want to talk and you're having a hard time accepting this. He found your worry intrusive.

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama
You're making his depressive symptoms about you. They are not.

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama
etc...

I'm imagining the woman in the red panties in your avatar turning around to deliver each one-or-two line response, then turning back around.

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RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 3:05:54 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

All true, but there is a big difference between "mental issues" and a severe, clinical mental illness requiring hospitalization. Also a big difference between not wanting to talk because they're temporarily "depressed" about something that happened, (called "situational depression"), internalizing it while they work it out and clinical depression with total self-absorption and no accountability for actions.

Thank you, windchymes, for saying so succinctly what I was trying to get across. I was beginning to feel that it wasn't worth my time to continue to explain that what's going on here isn't just an "I feel blue because the Cubs lost" type of situation.

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RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 3:15:27 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zigeuner

quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

All true, but there is a big difference between "mental issues" and a severe, clinical mental illness requiring hospitalization. Also a big difference between not wanting to talk because they're temporarily "depressed" about something that happened, (called "situational depression"), internalizing it while they work it out and clinical depression with total self-absorption and no accountability for actions.

Thank you, windchymes, for saying so succinctly what I was trying to get across. I was beginning to feel that it wasn't worth my time to continue to explain that what's going on here isn't just an "I feel blue because the Cubs lost" type of situation.

I know from experience that it's a tough thing to go through :) It was obvious that this topic is a hot button for me, lol, but I hope my experiences can help. And I hope that didn't sound pompous, lol.

I do wish you the best! There's someone special out there for you

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RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 3:19:49 PM

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He's got enough to deal with with the depressions, there might actually not be enough "left" to deal with a relationship.

While I can understand you feeling hurt, if he needs space he does it, and if your relationship goes on, chances are you are encountering more of this, now imagine you are together in real life, you have a serious issue you have to deal with and you're all alone because he's going through a depressive phase and has shut himself off - could you deal with that? I'm not sure I could, maybe with somebody I'm in a relationship with and something happens and he becomes depressed, I certainly wouldn't dump my partner for it, but I would be more than careful to get into a relationship with a person who has those issues. I'm not saying he's crazy, he's not a good person or not lovable, it's similar to getting involved with a person who has a substance problem, it's going to be a massive strain on the relationship even if for different reasons.

In the end, it's will you be able to deal with that much of a strain or are you setting yourself up for potential heartache?

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(in reply to zigeuner)

RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 3:30:03 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zigeuner

He sent me a message on Friday saying that he was in a depressive phase and didn't want to talk.

If we were "together", this would be much easier, I think. At least I would know what was happening to him, and not at the mercy of when he feels well enough to get back in touch with me. Thanks.

My very first thought, which I see others have said as well, is "his bipolar is NOT ABOUT YOU".

If you were together the only thing that would be different is you would go over to his house after he told you not to, and he would yell in your face, "I SAID I DIDN'T WANT TO TALK, NOW GO AWAY".

Cali

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(in reply to zigeuner)

RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 3:35:56 PM

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For me, this happening before I had even met someone would cause me to stop the relationship.

This is yet one more reason I do not chat more than a week or so before asking to meet for coffee, at the least. I can not get emotionally invested on a font, no matter how charming it may be.

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RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 3:36:33 PM

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quote:

My very first thought, which I see others have said as well, is "his bipolar is NOT ABOUT YOU".

If you were together the only thing that would be different is you would go over to his house after he told you not to, and he would yell in your face, "I SAID I DIDN'T WANT TO TALK, NOW GO AWAY".

Cali

And my first thought is why would anyone put themselves into that situation knowingly when there are so many people in the world that are capable of handling someone being concerned about them?

It is one thing to get into this situation with a person you know over time (coworker, classmate, neighbor), but to seek it out over the internet, it seems just totally odd to me.

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(in reply to CalifChick)

RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 3:42:38 PM

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OP, please believe me when I say that he has more on his plate right now than you can ever imagine. Whether it's unipolar or bipolar depression, all of a sudden it's all about HIM. He doesn't see this at all as being about you and it's not. He has to get through the crap that's going on in his head before he can deal with things about relationship issues and how it concerns you or anyone else. He is probably in total misery right now and can't see beyond that. When he pulls out of the depressive phrase things will improve, but not until then.

I am bipolar. I'm well-stabilized now and I can tell right away if my meds or my moods are slipping and I get right on top of it immediately. When I wasn't so well-stablized, the depression felt like a black hole spiralling straight down into the pits of hell. I know you want to stick by him and you're concerned, but you need to ask yourself.....are you willing to deal with this long-term or not? Bipolar is not something that "goes away." And sometimes, over the years, meds will need tweeking to keep things to any degree of "normal."

I know you want to stand by him and care for him. But it's a good thing that this has happened before you and he have gotten any more involved. You have a "heads up" early on rather than later. Also, I can tell you it's not any easier when you know each other in "real life" instead of just online or by correspondence. If anything, it's worse.

~Hisprettybaby~

(in reply to zigeuner)

RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 4:10:28 PM

lizi

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This reply is going to be a bit all over the place but I'll do my best to reign it in.
Firstly, you don't actually know him yet. You have no idea if what is going on now is a template for how things always go (they could normally be much worse) and you only know what he's told you about the illness. You don't even know for sure if this illness exists, if he self-diagnosed it because he's a bit of a drama llama. You know nothing. I'd seriously consider at this point if he's relationship material. I have had clinical depression so I'm not dissing the guy when he's down but really....you want to sign up for all of this if it's real? As others have pointed out, it's one thing when you're in a relationship that you have invested in, you'd probably not leave a partner for their illness, but when you have the choice to start out with someone do you really want a situation with inherent problems? You are a young woman, you have a lot of life in front of you, I'm not sure that taking this kind of thing on at this stage of your life is the best thing for YOU. This is a large leap but what if you stayed with him and had a family. Are you prepared to raise it alone at times and also be there for him when he's ill?

Secondly, if he told you to leave him alone then leave him alone. You are an intrusion. If you need more than that it would be perfectly acceptable to move on to someone else better suited to you. From reading your words in the OP no, you do not understand depression and your experience with others in bi-polar must have been minimal. Having others around does not necessarily mean a thing except in my case it meant more problems. I'd have given anything for people to just go away. I don't think you've been treated unfairly, this might be the best he can do. If so then it's rather evident that the two of you aren't a match as you seem to need more. No biggie.

Thirdly, I dated someone with SAD for a while when I was single. I really liked this man and wanted it to work very badly and it did! Till he got his regular seasonal depression. It started in November, he refused to get help or meds till late Dec. and then he quit taking them in Jan because 'he was feeling better'. Depression meds work like that, it takes a while for them to reach full potency and then when they do you have to keep taking them. He didn't. Because he 'hated' taking medicine. So I had no company or talk, barely any interaction for months because he wasn't feeling well. Then he went off the meds knowing full well that he'd be depressed again, remember this is a recurring pattern for him. It was more important to him to mismanage his illness than to be there for his family and for me. I saw that any future I had with him was going to be riddled with long periods of being without him and that he'd always put himself first and his dislike of taking medication before being healthy for the ones that he loved. I left the relationship and went on to find the man I am with now for 2 1/2 years and going strong. I really liked that other man and enjoyed his company, but in the end I refused to take on his issues. He needed to find his own way, it was clear that he wouldn't take advice and that I was no help at all during his down times.

If this man's illness is real I don't think you've been treated unfairly. If you want to take him and his situation on be prepared to stand back quite often, it seems to be how he does things. It may be a relief for you to be there with him and know what is going on but in the end he may shut you out. Can you deal with that? Being there sharing the same space and not being able to do a thing for him and also living your life as a single person during those times when he needs his space? That may be worse not better, you'd be with him and be denied any closeness. So imagine having a relationship and knowing full well what is going on and being intimately aquainted with it and then seeing that you are an intrusion at those times and knowing that you are alone. Being close to him emotionally or physically does not ensure that you'll be allowed into his personal space. You could find being shut out then unbearable. For my husband at the time he found this very thing to be the roughest part of my illness. That he had to stand back and watch me struggle. He couldn't help and I couldn't open up to him - he was an intrusion. It was hell.

I have to say that it seems as though you'd both be happier with someone better suited to you. Good luck in whatever you decide...

< Message edited by lizi -- 6/15/2011 4:16:24 PM >

(in reply to zigeuner)

RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 5:05:06 PM

MistressDarkArt

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It's clear from your post you had high hopes for connection which have been dashed and that is painful. The take-away lesson I've learned lo these 52 years is: relationships don't EVER get easier. So if you are starting with feelings of hurt and disappointment and choose to continue you must resign yourself to more of the same. When someone tells me the equivalent of 'for the love of Christ leave me alone'...I leave them alone.

I have had two long-term, real-life submissive partners tell me forthrightly they no longer wish to serve for reasons that have nothing to do with me. I take them at their word, thank them for their honest communication, self-awareness, and for all they've given during our time together. I tell them all is well, to go in peace, and we have made a good parting. Because of the way we handled the need to part I do not feel hurt, and I can honestly say they are still friends I could call upon if needed. The integrity of it plays a great role in easing the loss and yes, disappointment, and I'm soon able to move forward.

Take the time you need to grieve your disappointment, then reconnect with your high hopes and keep looking somewhere else. If things stabilize for him down the road and you two decide to pursue the connection, fine...but I'm hoping you will be busy with someone better suited to you and you can just wish him well on his way, as you will be on your new path.

The advice from some above to meet soon after an initial positive connection is stellar. Mental health issues aside, there is nothing worse than spending weeks or months on the telephone and online only to discover in person there is no chemistry. I've had that happen too, and though the person was an experienced and dedicated submissive and exactly what he presented to be...I just could not warm to him over the weekend we met. We'd had that discussion too beforehand and agreed on a plan B of local activities and site seeing should the connection be lacking on either of our parts. So that's exactly what we did...hiked along the coast, went to the beach, enjoyed several restaurants, got to know each other without hint or hope of play, then back he went to So. Cal after having a relaxing weekend in my little fishing village. We haven't kept in touch, but I would have no problem hosting him again if he's headed this way and would enjoy visiting with him as a friend.

It's a big, wide world out there. You do not have to 'settle' for anything that isn't a good fit for you. If that means you have a 'bouquet' of people in your life to fill your various needs (and it's a good idea to do it that way so folks can be themselves with no pressure and you can have your needs met) then good for you. I wish I'd learned that in my 20s instead of 30s, but better late than never and the concept has served me well the last 20 years.

Best to you. Take care of your feelings, then move forward until another makes your heart race. There will be someone, don't worry. Enjoy the journey!

< Message edited by MistressDarkArt -- 6/15/2011 5:08:15 PM >

(in reply to zigeuner)

RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 6:12:31 PM

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He told you to back off...so respect his wishes and back off.

When he's ready to contact you he will.

Until then live your life. If he contacts you again, great. If not then you're already living your life.

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RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 6:21:08 PM

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quote:

I'm imagining the woman in the red panties in your avatar turning around to deliver each one-or-two line response, then turning back around.

I was rather blunt - glad you had a sense of humor about it.

Learning "it's not me it's him" has been very valuable to me.

(in reply to zigeuner)

RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 6:34:53 PM

BubblegumPiglet

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I'm going to echo what the others have said....*please* find somebody new. I think that if you persue this relationsip, you're going to end up in more heartbreak than you can imagine.

Find someone of health and of sound mind and then have awesome kinky adventures together!!

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RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 6:50:30 PM

BlackTigerDragon

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In my own personal opinion, if he's already telling you to 'back off' I would say you need to take the hint. I'm not even bi-polar and even I don't see how 'Can you talk to me now? Can you talk to me now? Can you talk to me now? Now? Now? Now? Now?' will solve any of my problems, let alone a depression one.
A depressed person is not going to call you every two minutes just to tell you they are alive.
How about letting him recover from his depressive state?

(in reply to Aileen1968)

RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 6:56:05 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zigeuner

Hello everyone.

I've been speaking to a Dom I met here for the past two months, and we had made some tentative plans to meet next month. Up until recently we seemed to be an excellent match: we wanted very much the same type of relationships and we were both attracted to one another physically and mentally. He told me a few weeks into our acquaintance that he had bipolar disorder, which I've had some experience dealing with in others in the past. I didn't feel it was going to be a huge issue, especially since I was getting what I thought was a pretty good feel for his general temperament as we spoke daily.

Until last week. We went from talking several times a day to not at all. 1) He sent me a message on Friday saying that he was in a depressive phase and didn't want to talk. 2)I got no further information until Monday, when I messaged him saying I needed to know everything was ok. I got a short answer. 3)I begged him yesterday to talk to me because I was getting worried. 4) He mYoessaged me back saying we would talk today, but we didn't because he had a two hour doctor's appointment and discussed going in patient for a while. 5) That information was relayed in a terse text telling me "for the love of Christ, back off".

I understand depression, and I understand sometimes the feeling that you need to isolate yourself, but I'm rather upset over this. I guess I feel hurt and disrespected that he didn't/doesn't feel it's necessary to even give me a hint that he's doing ok until I beg for it. I'm also feeling a huge amount of hurt over the fact that we were having some intense conversations with long distance D/s, which just stopped abruptly with no warning and no apology. This whole episode has made me start reconsidering him as a good match for me.

I just want to know what other people think, or what others would do in my situation. Am I out of line in feeling that I've been treated unfairly? Like I said, I understand bipolar disorder is a hard disease. If we were "together", this would be much easier, I think. At least I would know what was happening to him, and not at the mercy of when he feels well enough to get back in touch with me. Thanks.

1) He told you how he felt and what he needed.
2) He was quiet (not uncommon for someone with bipolar who is depressed) and when you pressed him, he gave a brief response.
3) You pushed him and he said the 2 of you would talk but 4) the talk was delayed because his self care ( doctors appointment and discussion for appropriate treatment plan) came first.
5) You aren't understanding the importance of #4 and he is frustrated.

I'm also feeling a huge amount of hurt over the fact that we were having some intense conversations with long distance D/s, which just stopped abruptly with no warning and no apology. This whole episode has made me start reconsidering him as a good match for me.

You may have thought that you could deal with bi-polar disorder but clearly you can not deal with his bi-polar disorder.
This is going to sound harsh but the fact that you know he has a mental illness that is unpredictable and are upset because the conversations stopped with no warning or apology, tells me that, no you aren't a good match for each other.
Your hurt feelings and confusion are understandable.
However, if you really knew what you were getting into, you would know that his taking care of himself was the priority and his depressive periods and the symptoms that accompany them are just par for the course.
Of course, not everyone's illness manifests itself the same way and this may just be a level that you are not accustomed to.

This is not an attack, nor is it any hint of failure on your part.
You simply did not know.

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(in reply to zigeuner)

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