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RE: finding myself again?? - 5/15/2006 11:18:10 PM

ladyseekinglord

Posts: 105
Joined: 12/4/2005
Status: offline

I could have no idea what I'm talking about, especially as I am new to this lifestyle. But I thinking that you probably have some anger that you need to get in touch with. I know that when I am angry, my desire to be submissive lessens. It sounds like you have just lost a relationship that meant a lot to you, it would be natural for you to grieve. Part of that is anger. I'd say, the faster you dive into it and feel it, the faster you will return to your normal self.

lady

(in reply to lilpetwind)

Post #: 21

RE: finding myself again?? - 5/15/2006 11:28:40 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

People have different opinions because they come from different places. In my opinion submissives come from a place of having less power in a dynamic than the dominant that once possessed them. They are mature adults, but the past history would say to me that you have given a measure of power away to this person who once owned you. You did not have the power to say no necessarily... Just because the tie has ended and she has been released the dynamic that was once there does not cease altogether in the heart of the submissive at an unconscious level even. I know from experience it is hard to get the voice of a dom you loved out of your head. It is still my opinion that a dom that was involved with a sub for three years, releases her, and then plays with her casually KNOWING she loves him is irresponsible and not thinking of her welfare at all. It is not a case of casual play after casual dating, it is a case of playing casually to relieve your own boredom..... I think that is selfish... others can differ, but this is my opinion and I am allowed to it... I do not respect that at all.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 5/15/2006 11:31:04 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 22

RE: finding myself again?? - 5/15/2006 11:38:39 PM

CrappyDom

Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

Oh hell, perhaps you are right, some days I don't know anymore. But trust me, there is far worse shit going on and if this was the worst of it, we would all be better off.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 23

RE: finding myself again?? - 5/16/2006 9:37:43 PM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

This post is so bitter. The man was honest with her. He told her he didn't love her and I'm sorry, but you can't 'make' someone love you. He wants children and he has every right to want them. I don't see that he is selfish at all. He 'asked' her to play with him.. she can always say no.

You frustrate the crap out of me. Take a step beyond being a doormat and appreciate that other people are honest about their needs.

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 24

RE: finding myself again?? - 5/16/2006 11:51:37 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

You frustrate the crap out of me. Take a step beyond being a doormat and appreciate that other people are honest about their needs.

You think I'm a doormat, I think you're a clueless newbie who has no business giving advice to anyone. Only one of us is right and it's not you.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 25

RE: finding myself again?? - 5/17/2006 2:10:37 AM

DsBound

Posts: 268
Joined: 9/13/2004
Status: offline

Hopefully this doesn't sound too harsh... I'm a firm believer in "you're only where you allow yourself to be". I'm not saying it's easy... it's just that you're not going to get a different result by taking the same actions. I certainly don't envy your position and my heart aches for you as I understand how difficult these steps could be... but you must do what's best for you and your emotional well being. You're fully aware that you can't seperate your feelings for him and you're fully aware of what his intentions are... this doesn't make either of you a villian, it just means you're on different paths that are not compatible.

Sincerely,
P and L

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 26

RE: finding myself again?? - 5/17/2006 4:15:45 AM

merrymasochist

Posts: 156
Joined: 9/2/2004
Status: offline

He has stated his position, you have stated yours, and from my understanding from what you have written, there is no compromise to be had and hence y'all broke up. By continuing to play together there isn't any closure. There's also that tiniest bit of hope (whether you admit it to yourself or not) that a change will occur and somehow y'all will be a happy couple. That hope-against-hope is always going to interfere with your healing process and search for another who would be more compatible to you. Hope is a lovely thing sometimes, but it can also be a cancerous thing. It can make you feel guilty for looking for someone else. It can hold you down in a situation that isn't good for you. It can hold you back from doing what's best for you. Personally, I think there needs to be a clear and clean break from each other with no more play or interaction. That way you can give yourself a fair chance to heal. You've asked to be released, he's released you, now you must release yourself so you can move on with your life.

Just my thoughts. I wish the best for you.

Sincerely,
merry

_____________________________

"What hath night to do with sleep?"
J. Milton

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 27

RE: finding myself again?? - 5/17/2006 7:57:07 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

1) Take time to mourn the death of your relationship. Take the time to heal yourself. Take a time out from playing or dating and just focus on you.

2) Don't play with him. That's like pulling the scab off of the wound on a weekly basis. You shouldn't do this until you're done with the relationship.

3) Your lack of submissiveness likely has to do with anger, hurt and pain. You'll probably find that after the mourning process is done, that it will reappear.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 28

RE: finding myself again?? - 5/17/2006 7:59:37 AM

sweetbbwsub31

Posts: 331
Joined: 3/22/2006
Status: offline

i couldn't agree more. Stop seeing him, take time for yourself, heal. In time you will find someone who is worthy of your gift of submission. He obviously is not. Let him be lonely.

sub tara

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 29

RE: finding myself again?? - 5/17/2006 8:31:12 AM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

You think I'm a doormat, I think you're a clueless newbie who has no business giving advice to anyone. Only one of us is right and it's not you.

Celeste

Thanks for proving my point! Number of posts does not equate to level of intelligence.

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 30

RE: finding myself again?? - 5/17/2006 8:52:17 AM

gooddogbenji

Posts: 5094
Joined: 11/15/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: babysburnin

Thanks for proving my point! Number of posts does not equate to level of intelligence.

No, agreed, it doesn't. If it did, I would be smart.

HOWEVER, not only is Celeste a well like poster 'round here, she's also quite smart, despite the number of posts she has, anything BUT a doormat, and usually right.

By the way, this thread is no exception to the rule. Good on ya, Bita. And don't get in flame wars.... You'll only give me fuel to retaliate on that apology of mine you still have...

Yours,

benji

_____________________________

Prevent global warming. Stop burning patchouli.

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 31

RE: finding myself again?? - 5/17/2006 9:00:37 AM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

Thanks for proving my point! Number of posts does not equate to level of intelligence.

If you think I was speaking about the number of posts which I've made, it just goes to prove that you are exactly what I said, a clueless newbie. I've been r/t BDSM for almost 24 years. I've been living with Master for the last 10 of those years. Your profile 'claims'

"i appreciate the sincere and insightful responses on the message boards from those of you who are more familiar and experienced."

.. which is apparently bullshit.

Enjoy your Master of.. what .. a few months? I'm sure you are a credit to him in all things.

Celeste

edited to add: My bad.. I've 'known' Master for 10 years.. we've only been living together for 8 1/2.

< Message edited by BitaTruble -- 5/17/2006 9:13:54 AM >

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 32

RE: finding myself again?? - 5/17/2006 9:03:50 AM

angelface183

Posts: 688
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline

Actually babysburnin,

I think Celeste was right on the money. He told her he wanted children. He has every right to feel that way. It does not make him a bad guy. But it also doesn't mean that the hurt for lilpetwind is any less. Bita is just offering her a way to focus so that she can move past it. This is not the right guy for her. She should move on, find herself, and then find someone who appreciates who she is. No one is diminishing lilpetwind's pain. They are just offering solutions and directions to find a way out.
********************************************************************************
A man fell in to a hole and could not get out. A priest walked by. He called, "Father can you help me?" The priest wrote him a prayer and threw it down the hole and walked away.

A doctor walked by. He said, "Doctor I can't get out of this hole, can you help me?" The doctor wrote him a prescription and threw it down the hole and walked away.

A friend walked by and the man called out, "Joe can you help me?" The friend jumped down there with him. The guy said, "What did you do that for? Now we are both stuck here!"

The friend said to him, "Yeah, but I have been down here before and I know the way out."

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 33

RE: finding myself again?? - 5/17/2006 9:08:32 AM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

I'll end this now - my apologies Celeste...just no need to attack so harsely.

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 34

RE: finding myself again?? - 5/17/2006 9:18:33 AM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: babysburnin

I'll end this now - my apologies Celeste...just no need to attack so harsely.

I'm sorry as well. I shouldn't have been so mean. I added a second tag line to my signature to show I'm aware of it though.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 35

RE: finding myself again?? - 5/17/2006 9:40:21 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

It's a difficult place to find yourself .....and sometimes easier to keep a little hold on something familiar, even if it keeps hurting...sometimes being SO close to a situation means we can't SEE what part is hurting us OR which way to go for the best. From what I've read,some of the posters here have already given some very helpful advice.

The right's or wrongs of whether the chap loves you or doesn't, or why, won't make a jots difference though, but to end the hurting part, you have to do what's good for you. Working out what that is may take time and patience. I'm afraid that sometimes the things that are good for us in the long term hurt like fuck in the short term.

On another note, my Master has never once said he loves me, yet I feel VERY loved..and in the past I've been told I'm loved and haven't felt it at all. Words don't always say it all.

Best of wishes for your situation and I hope you find some direction and peace.

agirl

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 36

RE: finding myself again?? - 5/17/2006 2:31:07 PM

darq

Posts: 443
Joined: 4/21/2006
From: under a rock
Status: offline

About the children thing ...

He has every right to want children. But to say that you can't love someone because they can't 'bare your children' seems kind of ignorant to me. I can't bare children either and I've had several men pull this one on me. Even ones who told me at the very beginning that it was ok, they were all for adoption and then down the road it becomes, "Its not the same if it isn't mine."

There are ways of having children without being pregnant ... Adoption comes to mind. Surrogate mother comes to mind. And if she has a viable womb, invetro fertilization ... So, I'm sorry, but his excuse about her not being able to have children smacks of loserdom. Chances are, he wasn't honest from the very beginning ... You don't spend 3 years with someone that you *know from the very start* will never give you a child if having a child is something you place as high priority in your life.

Regardless, the fact that she still plays with him is obviously causing her harm. Read the OP ... You'd have to be blind not to see it. Now, whether or not she continues to do that is up to her and she's an adult so its her responsibility to deal with as well. That doesn't make him any less of a loser, it just means that maybe she's got a victim mentality too.

_____________________________

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts ...
Tell me, whats so amazing about really deep thoughts?

I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 37

RE: finding myself again?? - 5/17/2006 3:06:10 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

I think its perfectly ok for someone to not want kids in their life...and kudo's to him for being so forthright about it. Master doesnt have children, he has never even held a baby in his arms, its just not his thing. I've had children but didnt raise them, I fell pregnant to my last Master and lost the baby...children to me represent pain and agony....Ive had it with children and babies and whatever...by the time Master and I met I was definite about this subject as well...children will not be part of this relationship...luckily for me I ended up having a hysterectomy soon after Master and I came together, so birth control and children worries are a thing we dont even have to concern ourselves with..and that suits both of us just fine.

Move on...there are people out there who dont want or need children in their life, find someone you are compatable with in that way.

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to darq)

Post #: 38

RE: finding myself again?? - 5/17/2006 3:07:32 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I agree with you darq

I have never had this happen to me, the whole switch around about kids, but it would really tick me off if someone pulled that headgame on me. That being said people often change their wants and desires. For example I know of women who trick men into having kids with them even though the man in question was adament about not wanting them.....ever. If that was the case here, he changed his mind after the relationship was established, that would not make him a loser necessarily in my mind, and at least he was up front about it when he discovered he DID want them.

My trouble with the whole thing is that I try to treat people the way I want to be treated, and I would NEVER play sexually with someone that I knew loved me and I knew I could never return that feeling. I would have trouble looking at myself in the mirrror. I would have trouble seeing the love in their eyes, and knowing I did not return it. I would feel guilty doing this to someone. I have been in this situation a couple of times in my life on opposite sides of it. I broke it off when I knew in my heart I could never feel that way, and I also broke it off when I knew I loved someone that would never love me back.... But it was soooo hard to give up that hope.

Like I said in an earlier post, I think people differ in opinion because of life experience and different value systems. They ARE both consenting adults, and CD is right, there ARE much worse things in the world than someone who is having a growing experience, and in the long run hopefully it will be a growing experience for this lady as we all have our share of them...lol

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to darq)

Post #: 39

RE: finding myself again?? - 5/17/2006 5:14:09 PM

MyCaptainsPet

Posts: 219
Joined: 1/22/2006
Status: offline

Am i the only one that thinks it was wrong of HIM to string her along for 3 years when he knew he couldn't have kids with her and therefore couldn't love her?

i don't know.. releationships are funny

(in reply to lilpetwind)

Post #: 40

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