RE: Inappropriate expectations?

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NuevaVida -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/5/2011 10:22:47 PM)
Did you miss the part where she's so upset she's swearing and slamming doors? That is unstable behavior in my opinion. I'd go to a therapist about it before dumping it on my owner to resolve. Others apparently think differently.

sunshinemiss -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/5/2011 10:27:59 PM)
quote: I'm prone to being tempermental ... freaking out ... the more I considered it the more I wondered... does it actually reek of unfair emotional manipulation and I fail to see it because I am the one benefitting from it? If someone is asking a question like that, there is not a thing wrong with getting checked out by a mental health professional. It's clearly a long term, pervasive issue. Her "rough patches" are a pattern that are creating distress in her life. That is pretty much the definition of a mental health issue... whether you like it or not.

seekingreality -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/5/2011 10:53:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Asherscorp1 I don't often get stuck in a spiral but when I do it's a swearing, slamming doors, crying sort of thing. My question is this: if I am my Master's creature is it his place to pull me out of that sort of negative spiral when I can't myself? For my part I see that as the obligation and privelege of a Master. If there is something a slave can't handle, physically, emotionally, mentally he is there to ground her, encourage her, do whatever it takes to help her help herself and deal with the issue. I realize the pressure that would place on a Master though and just wanted to know if others see it that way or if my view is actually unreasonable. Doesn't sound like a BDSM issue, as much as a relationship one. You would expect a partner in a vanilla relationship to help you deal with such problems. (And sometimes, the best thing you can do in a situation like that is just back off and give the person some time.) If the problems are ongoing, you may need professional help. And if the master just sees his relationship with you as kinky fun, he might be ticked off it you bring your outside problems into it.

MasterSlaveLA -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/6/2011 12:43:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida Did you miss the part where she's so upset she's swearing and slamming doors? OMFG... swearing and slamming a door -- fucking call 911!!! Are you fucking kidding me... this is what your "unstable" diagnosis is based on?!! Get a flippin' clue. Hint: It's called being ANGRY and acting stupid -- something tens of millions of people do every day. Immature? Yes... but "unstable"?!! GOOD GAWD... evidently REALITY seems to have escaped many. Get angry, swear, slam a door and it's off to the nut-house?!! Give me a fuckin' break!!! [8\|]

crazyml -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/6/2011 1:06:03 AM)
Do you need a hug?

crazyml -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/6/2011 1:11:20 AM)
Quoted for loveliness... (and I'm sorry to hear you're grieving, myotherself). quote: ORIGINAL: myotherself I'm in a similar place, Littlewonder. I'm struggling with grief at the moment, but I made the mistake of bottling it all up inside for a couple of weeks. I didn't want to bother Master, or put pressure on him to get me out of my 'bad place'. Dumb move on my part! I became supremely passive-aggressive, we argued, he got really angry with me, I panicked that he was going to leave me and I had a meltdown. Fortunately he is not the man I thought he was (which was pretty damn good)...he's actually a hundred times better. We talked, discussed ways to support me through this nightmare and ended up even closer than before. But ultimately it's up to me to sort it all out. No-one else can do it, but I know I can do it because I have the support of family, friends and, most of all, Master [:)] As the fabulous LafayetteLady said... quote: ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady ~fast reply~ I don't think it has anything to do with M/s or D/s. It's a relationship thing. Partners support and try to help each other through difficult times. I'm always somewhat amazed how people think normal relationship issues apply differently to BDSM. Yes, personal responsibility remains, but with all my relationships, including friendships, I'd always hope to be supportive of someone. That said, if I had a partner who was prone to flying off the handle, crying and slamming doors on a regular basis (and I see that this isn't the case with you) then there's a chance that I'd be wondering if I'd hooked up with a drama lama.

MasterSlaveLA -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/6/2011 1:27:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss That is pretty much the definition of a mental health issue... Bullshit. More likely that YOU are the one with "mental health" issues are merely projecting YOUR issues on another. Moreover, you chopped up what the OP stated to fit your premise -- well it doesn't... here's her ENTIRE commentary, paragraphed for easier reivew: quote: I meant days where you/me/slave/sub whatever might just be having a rough patch. Not an entire life-crisis or an emotional dark-cloud fueled by depression or grief. Of course I didn't mean that we have no responsibility for our actions and I am not talking about a situation where there is nothing a Master can do to help and still expecting him to "fix it." Let me give an example and maybe it will be clearer. I'm prone to being tempermental and there are times when stress just hits me over the head and I end up just fuming, frustrated, angry over things that at other times wouldn't even phase me. Master can take 3 min and snap me out of this if he chooses to. Distraction, re-engaging and encouragement are the steps. Pain works excellently for me as a distraction, one pinch in the right place causes me to stop what I am doing, focus on him and listen. Re-engaging is that period of focus. He generally uses it to remind me that I am his and I take my cues from him not from my own, sometimes neurotic, thought process. He is calm. I am calm. To be a good girl for him involves remembering this. Encouragement is reminding me that whatever I am freaking out about is not actually that bad, I am capable of conquering anything I choose to. I was simply relating this the other day and was told that it seems unfair and unreasonable for him to have to step in for me when I should be able to deal with my own emotions. I don't see it this way, I see it as, if he can do that why wouldn't he since it makes everyone's life easier in the end? However, the more I considered it the more I wondered. Do other slaves have this sort of understanding or dynamic? Or does it actually reek of unfair emotional manipulation and I fail to see it because I am the one benefitting from it? That is NOT "mental illness", and if you think it is, then you have more than a LOT to learn. A bit immature?!! Sure. But as I've seen this sort of thing with many Power Dynamic couples, it more likely stems from a need to feel secure/safe in the relationship -- i.e., she acts out, he comes to her rescue, and she's reassured of his love for her. That is NOT "mental illness", that is... unless you equate those involved in a Power Exchange relationship as being "mentally ill" -- as MANY seek to give such "control" and "guidance" and so forth to their Owner(s). The supposed "fixing" as it were (which it's actually not), is little more than a reassurance of the other person's love/caring for them. Again, a bit immature to many, but it's the type of relationship that works for some... she needs, he needs to be needed -- and both find comfort/purpose in this. Note that Daddy/little girl and/or Dom/brat dynamics -- much of this sort of thing happens frequently. So again, that's NOT "mental illness"... that is, unless you consider many involved in the Power Exchange Dynamic as being "mentally ill". A sub/slave acts up... their Dom/Master/Mistress comes to their rescue... and all is once again good. Mind you, not a dynamic that appeals to everyone, but it appears to work for many -- so not "mental illness", but rather (to borrow a phrase), a different kind of loving.

MasterSlaveLA -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/6/2011 1:28:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: crazyml Do you need a hug? I LOVE hugs... bring it, beeeeeeeeeeeoooooooootch!!! [8D][8D][8D]

sunshinemiss -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/6/2011 1:44:23 AM)
I never said there was mental illness in here. Interesting that this is how you interpreted my words, though. Besides, it would be inappropriate to expect me to diagnose someone over the internet.

MasterSlaveLA -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/6/2011 2:26:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss I never said there was mental illness in here. Interesting that this is how you interpreted my words, though. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight... 'cause I'm sure you meant the below "mental health issue" reference in a GOOD way?!! [8\|] quote: ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss It's clearly a long term, pervasive issue. Her "rough patches" are a pattern that are creating distress in her life. That is pretty much the definition of a mental health issue... And then there's this... quote: ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss Besides, it would be inappropriate to expect me to diagnose someone over the internet. And yet, that's EXACTLY what you did... THREE TIMES, in a single paragraph, no less... quote: ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss It's clearly a long term, pervasive issue [Diagnosis 1]. Her "rough patches" are a pattern that are creating distress in her life [Diagnosis 2]. That is pretty much the definition of a mental health issue [Diagnosis 3]... Yeah... whatever. [8\|]

sunshinemiss -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/6/2011 3:22:19 AM)
You clearly don't know what a diagnosis is. She said she is prone to X and gave several examples. That equals pervasive. That it is a concern to the point of talking to friends and strangers about it and the emotionally charged words she is using suggests it is creating distress in her life. Finally, if you are uncomfortable with the way the DSM uses the phrase creating distress, I suggest you take it up with them. I'm sure that your years of experience in the mental health field will afford them the opportunity to give your suggestions the attention they deserve. Best, sunshine

tazzygirl -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/6/2011 3:33:24 AM)
Read the thread.... the OP admits to neurotic thought process.... I would give the same advice, sunny.... she needs someone to talk too about what is causing the issues underneath the ... as the OP put it... quote: I'm prone to being tempermental and there are times when stress just hits me over the head and I end up just fuming, frustrated, angry over things that at other times wouldn't even phase me. Its time she discovered what is causing those changes.

NuevaVida -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/6/2011 6:44:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA OMFG... swearing and slamming a door -- fucking call 911!!! Are you fucking kidding me... this is what your "unstable" diagnosis is based on?!! Get a flippin' clue. Hint: It's called being ANGRY and acting stupid -- something tens of millions of people do every day. Immature? Yes... but "unstable"?!! GOOD GAWD... evidently REALITY seems to have escaped many. Get angry, swear, slam a door and it's off to the nut-house?!! Give me a fuckin' break!!! [8\|] It's not a diagnosis. You seem to like tossing that word around. However, it is my opinion that a person who can not control and stabilize their anger is unstable. And seeking therapy for that which one can not control - be it anger, maturity, or whatever - does not mean a trip to the nut house - it means getting assistance to behave in a more mature and healthy manner. What's your beef with that? quote: Note that Daddy/little girl and/or Dom/brat dynamics -- much of this sort of thing happens frequently. So again, that's NOT "mental illness"... that is, unless you consider many involved in the Power Exchange Dynamic as being "mentally ill". A sub/slave acts up... their Dom/Master/Mistress comes to their rescue... and all is once again good. Well, I'm in a Daddy/little girl dynamic, as are a couple of offline friends of mine. None of us would consider it OK to scream and yell and slam doors, expecting someone else to pull us out of it when we're angry anymore than it was OK when we were kids. What you fail to see here is that the OP "is prone to" this behavior, which means "having a high tendency to" that behavior, which means this is how she handles her anger, for the most part. In my world, that is not a person who has yet learned how to keep herself stable when negative emotions hit. Are you against the idea of her figuring out why? Her dominant doesn't want to help her each time, which tells me he may be tired of it. Do you think a better idea is for her to insist he helps her anyway? Given she just asked a bunch of strangers for their advice on the situation, how well do you think that concept is working for her? Maybe we should all say "Yeah, he should help you, just keep doing what you're doing." Would you say that's helpful in this case?

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/6/2011 7:50:55 AM)
I think parents have an obligation to allow their children to learn certain basic lessons in life. Which means allowing the child to learn to sleep on his/her own, to handle his/her own anger, to make his/her own decisions, to form his/her own personal sense of integrity. When a child reaches puberty with the above skill set in place (or at least in process) they are in a position to truly become their own person, separate from their parents and now able to learn what it necessary to be a viable adult. The toddler who never learns how to control his/her tantrums will inevitably become an "adult" who thinks it's okay to terrorize others with their own emotional immaturity. I think the best way to handle a toddler in a tantrum is to leave them strictly alone (save from keeping them from hurting themselves or another) until they can control themselves. All too often, people buy into the tantrum, which positively enforces the thrower. Does anyone need to be told what I think of this? Frankly, I don't think it matters how old the tantrum thrower is, it's unacceptable adult behavior. It's equally unacceptable to expect another person (I don't care who they are) to be expected to pull a person out of a negative spiral such as the OP described. However, I now have to ask: What is the context of this behavior? That is not clear to me from the OP's post. If the OP is constantly placed in a situation where she is frustrated and thwarted, and consistently denied any outlet to even voice that frustration, I can certainly see why she sometimes snaps. It doesn't make the behavior any more mature; it does make it a bit more understandable.

littlewonder -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/6/2011 7:57:30 AM)
This isn't the first time the op has posted with this problem. She seems to throw hissy fits and I'm guessing her Master is tired of it. She is either acting out to get his attention or she has anger issues. If she's trying to get his attention then she really needs to reevaluate her relationship. If she's doing it from anger issues...slamming doors, throwing things, she needs to talk to a counselor. My daughter had such issues growing up. She wanted both my attention and she had anger issues. We went to counseling. It helped us to identify problems and how she could handle them in better ways such as meditation, taking a walk, taking deep breaths and counting to 10...before we could talk like two rational people. So yup, I think that if the op is doing this quite often...and it does seem like it from the other posts she's written...she should seek someone to talk to.

lizi -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/6/2011 8:11:03 AM)
I don't ever think it is wise to depend on anyone else for things pertaining to yourself OP. You say it's easy for him to pull you out of these things with a small act on his part, who says he wants to be your representative for appropriate behavior every single time? That's a pretty endless, thankless, position. Much better to learn to control yourself on your own and reap the benefits of that. It sounds to me like it's not the rough patch here and there -and yes, I would hope that anyone's partner would help them out in a rough spot. In this case it sounds more to me like you want your man to have the ongoing position of reigning you in, he doesn't get to give you the gift of love now and then to help you through, its more like a job if he's always on call. Maybe this isnt' how you meant it to be interpreted but it's how it came across to me...like it's more than a once in a great while type of thing.

Iamsemisweet -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/6/2011 8:16:36 AM)
Or, she could just run down to her doctor's office and a prescription for Prozac. That stuff works wonders in making strong emotions controllable.. No muss, no fuss, and she and her Master can get on with their lives. Seriously, I don't understand why people elect to suffer emotional turmoil day after day. It is very easy to take the edge off and be a more functional person. I am not currently taking medication, because I am in such a happy place in my life and I exercise a lot. But I certainly have in the past when work has sucked, my partners and I were at war, my relationship was going down hill, and I couldn't get through the day without crying. It helped me to stop focusing on the emotion and start focusing on the solution. Hence the happy place I am in.

AneNoz -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/6/2011 8:24:13 AM)
quote: For my part I see that as the obligation and privelege of a Master. If there is something a slave can't handle, physically, emotionally, mentally he is there to ground her, encourage her, do whatever it takes to help her help herself and deal with the issue. I realize the pressure that would place on a Master though and just wanted to know if others see it that way or if my view is actually unreasonable. Your view of this is the correct view. It is in no manner unreasonable and is as it should be. Be at peace Aneka

GreedyTop -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/6/2011 8:42:34 AM)
Ane. maybe that is 100% true in YOUR world but PLEASE do not asume that your uptopia is always in line with everyone elses.

Phoenixpower -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/6/2011 8:49:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sexyred1 I don't feel it is anyone's responsibility to pull me out of my own way, other than myself. We all get upset over things, but grown adults can handle their own behavior, usually. Sub/slave or not. What she said...

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