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Why so mean?? - 9/17/2011 11:44:36 AM

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Joined: 8/28/2011
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Hi my boyfriend and I are new here and I have to say I am a bit nervous about the stuff I read here. Why are so many people here so mean??

Long story short we both found each other on ALT.com 4 yrs ago. We are both in our 40's...He a 10 year Dom and I was a really really brand new sub looking to investigate the lifestyle. We met my first week online and found a deep connection. He's a wonderful man. Life as it is... threw us a curve and after several years of trying (on my part) I've just not been able to adapt to D/s. Its interesting in the bedroom but does work for me outside that arena. Even in the bedroom I'm apparently too vanilla oriented to like alot of pain etc.

My question is that I came here after alot of discussion with him to help find him a real sub that could be in a realtionship with him. Not a threesome... I feel he deserves to partake of the lifestyle as its deeply rooted in who he is. I do not want to stand in the way of what I feel is a healthy for him. In honor of me he has all but stopped the lifestyle and I worry thats not right for him.

I am surprised at the nastiness and negativity I'm finding here and in truth part of my hesitantcy about this lifestyle is we never seem to come across many level people...and it makes me question the lifestyle in general.

Aren't places like this supposed to be supportive...an outlet to talk and be real? Why is deemed so weird that I am helping him to find a real sub who knows who she is and wants to be with a real Dom? Why call me names and assume that I am some poser looking for poly or something else?

I was honest in our profile...clearly stating that while he and I are together we are not "together" romantically and that I would not interfere or object to a relationship he might find here. I want him to find a woman who is really into this stuff but am gathering that there aren't really any "real" D/s people here.

I am at a loss as to why I would be attacked personally for helping someone I care for find a good woman to play with and maybe utlimately develop something real with. Are we going about this the wrong way? Did I do something offensive???

I hope others here are having better experiences than I am...and while I realize that there are probably many good people here I'm sure...it's been sad that I'm not hearing from anyone under the guise of friendship or anything else.

Thanks for listening
Donna

RE: Why so mean?? - 9/17/2011 11:55:14 AM

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Well... your profile states that he is your boyfriend and your post here says you are not romantic but are together. Mixed message here.

A dominant that needs someone to help them find someone is typically viewed as a helpless dominant that can't find his own kinky booty.

Now, you may think I am being rude, but I'm just shooting from the hip and basing my comments on what you say and my opinion. I cannot encourage that which I think is faulty and be kind about it. I am not being rude. You are confusing people, may be confused yourself and have a situation going that sounds more like drama... that of which you say you do not want. Be clear about what you are doing together even if you have to explain it a bit too much... what does together but not romantic mean? What does it mean when he is a great guy... but needs help finding someone? What does it mean when you say it isn't a threesome, but you can be there when they play? What does it mean to the person that might get to know you? What the hell are you offering them? Get specific.

You have made one post. So no one on the boards has called you names or played rude with you. The message boards are part of the same site, but different from the profile side. If you start off asking why people are faulty and laying blame, you just might get some of the same.

Welcome to the message boards.

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RE: Why so mean?? - 9/17/2011 11:59:52 AM

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talk. be real. but understand that others will respond with THEIR 'realness' colored by how they perceive what you say.

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RE: Why so mean?? - 9/17/2011 12:00:56 PM

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Welcome to the discussion side of CM, Donna.

First, who's attacking you? With this particular profile, this is your first post. Although I can see how someone might think : Whoooaaa doggies, she has to write his profile for him? Who's the dom who's the sub??

We think things like that here on the boards, b/c many of us tend to make snap decisions about where a particular person is coming from BASED ON THEIR POSTS.

And some of us have enough experience doing that to MOSTLY get it right.

I don't see this board as being mean at all. It can be very supportive and nurturing. However, it is collectively NOT a group who puts up with large amounts of bullshit. I am talking about where you are NOW, the discussion side.

The profile side (which is where I assume you encountered the meanness) is about 80-90% fantasy land. There are some great people there (*I'm* there), but it can be difficult to separate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak.

I am going to suggest that you not come on a public message board and insult people who have not personally been mean to you. The posters here on the discussion side really are not responsible for the trolls or wankers or bull shit artists on the profile side.

Stick around, give us a chance, and if you don't post too much bull shit, you just might get to like it here.

Be warned: the CM discussion board can be addictive !!

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RE: Why so mean?? - 9/17/2011 12:05:02 PM

zephyroftheNorth

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As a sub, when I get messages from a fellow sub that says she is looking on behalf of her owner, the first thing that goes through my head is "why isn't he doing the looking?" The second is that this is probably a man using a disguise.

Good luck looking, just know that so are thousands of couples.

welcome to the boards!

Zeph

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RE: Why so mean?? - 9/17/2011 12:05:21 PM

subtlebutterfly

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Why so mean?
It's a big mean world out there. You should have noticed that by now after 40+ years of living amongst people.

Suck it up pumpkin.

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RE: Why so mean?? - 9/17/2011 12:06:40 PM

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Donna,

Welcome to the forums.

Why do you have this belief that this place is any different than the rest of the world?

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RE: Why so mean?? - 9/17/2011 12:07:27 PM

zephyroftheNorth

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Chatte sweetie she means that she has read posts here where people are being mean not saying people have been mean to her. I think it's time to lay off the cheesecake, it's blocking your head.

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RE: Why so mean?? - 9/17/2011 12:10:51 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zephyroftheNorth

Chatte sweetie she means that she has read posts here where people are being mean not saying people have been mean to her. I think it's time to lay off the cheesecake, it's blocking your head.

Actually, Ms Cheesecake Girl... hehe... she says that people have called her names. I think it was the fourth paragraph where she said it.

(I hate when people talk about cheesecake and I can't have any!)

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RE: Why so mean?? - 9/17/2011 12:11:08 PM

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From: Here To Eternity.
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quote:

ORIGINAL: zephyroftheNorth

As a sub, when I get messages from a fellow sub that says she is looking on behalf of her owner, the first thing that goes through my head is "why isn't he doing the looking?" The second is that this is probably a man using a disguise.

Good luck looking, just know that so are thousands of couples.

welcome to the boards!

Zeph

My thoughts exactly. When I was single, I was approached by a few people telling me I'd be "perfect" for so an so. I felt like it was a blind date match up, and usually let the person know I wasn't interested unless the man contacted me from his own completed profile. I rarely heard back.

Donna, I'd also be wary given that you say he's your boyfriend. You might want to have him look for his own dates. Just a suggestion. And welcome to CM's message boards.

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RE: Why so mean?? - 9/17/2011 12:14:53 PM

zephyroftheNorth

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

quote:

ORIGINAL: zephyroftheNorth

Chatte sweetie she means that she has read posts here where people are being mean not saying people have been mean to her. I think it's time to lay off the cheesecake, it's blocking your head.

Actually, Ms Cheesecake Girl... hehe... she says that people have called her names. I think it was the fourth paragraph where she said it.

(I hate when people talk about cheesecake and I can't have any!)

ohhhhhhh poop I missed that. Would you believe it's because I'm sick? Actually I started skimming after all that stuff about us being more supportive because we're...well whatever reason she gave.

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RE: Why so mean?? - 9/17/2011 12:17:10 PM

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quote:

The second is that this is probably a man using a disguise.

This is my first assumption. Guess I'm old and jaded. I expect the worst from people.

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RE: Why so mean?? - 9/17/2011 12:19:18 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zephyroftheNorth

Chatte sweetie she means that she has read posts here where people are being mean not saying people have been mean to her. I think it's time to lay off the cheesecake, it's blocking your head.

sugar, I did not see anything that said she found those negative responses on the forums...

what I got from her OP was she was bitching because the other side responses were less than happy.

I admit, I am sleep deprived, so I COULD be interpreting the OP wrongly..

but based on other responses, I think I am not.

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RE: Why so mean?? - 9/17/2011 12:20:45 PM

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thank you for the responses...they are helping me understand alot...and please I didn't mean to insult anyone...I just get frustrated sometimes trying to navigate this site.

1. The negativity is coming from the profile side. Women we haven't contacted are just writing all sorts of nasty unwarrented stuff...kind of out of the blue ( now I understand they might believe me/us to be trolling or fakes..so thank you)

2.He doesn't need me to find him a woman and I'm sorry I presented that way...he works for the railroad and is constantly on the road with work..he's only home a few days a week and just doesn't have the time to wade through hundreds of profiles...plus I thought hearing from me would make other women more comfortable..feeling assured this wasn't a poly thing..lol..guess not

3. I wish I could better define our relationship...We care for each other deeply and do consider ourselves "together" but without any phyiscal connection due to our differences in the bedroom...it's odd. Without D/s he isn't much interested in sex and I'm just not into the whole pain thing so its created an impass for us. We live in a strange kind of no mans land ..together but not really...

lol... and no he's not submissive...lol.. He just kind of gave up on profiles awhile ago after trying for a year to find a sub and not finding anyone who wanted to meet in real life. So I took over...I figured ...hell who knows him and his needs better...

Perhaps you all are right and he needs to be here himself...

Thanks for responding...I really appreciated the insight

(in reply to southernsky10)

RE: Why so mean?? - 9/17/2011 12:22:12 PM

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good luck

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RE: Why so mean?? - 9/17/2011 12:25:09 PM

zephyroftheNorth

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

quote:

ORIGINAL: zephyroftheNorth

Chatte sweetie she means that she has read posts here where people are being mean not saying people have been mean to her. I think it's time to lay off the cheesecake, it's blocking your head.

sugar, I did not see anything that said she found those negative responses on the forums...

what I got from her OP was she was bitching because the other side responses were less than happy.

I admit, I am sleep deprived, so I COULD be interpreting the OP wrongly..

but based on other responses, I think I am not.

No Monkey you, Chatte, and oh hell just about everyone else are right. I'm blaming it on being sick and having a head that is completely stuffed up. Only time will tell whether it's believed.

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RE: Why so mean?? - 9/17/2011 12:26:47 PM

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My ex was a railroad man and they can be gone from home for a long time, but can only work so many hours. Therefore they deadhead somewhere. A laptop might be a great investment.

Try putting some of this information in the profile. I'm sure with some creativity you can say a lot without saying too much. I think it is simply a lack of information and enough to get a point across that may be bringing on the nasty emails. Then again, some people live to torment people in email... it is a real kink I think. lol

Whether or not you are romantically involved, you are involved more than a roommate situation. Therefore some may look at it as a poly situation. He trusts you to help him find someone... therefore there is a third dynamic of some sort that whomever gets involved with him, must deal with on some level. You need to explain what that is.

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RE: Why so mean?? - 9/17/2011 12:27:02 PM

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Creepy people are everywhere.

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RE: Why so mean?? - 9/17/2011 12:30:11 PM

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I myself recieved a somewhat hostile reception,

I did my homework on certain members and I now clearly understand WHY.

This is a group that has seen dozens and hundreds come and go,
and put up with a lot of garbage and bullshit and possibly abuse.

Perhaps influenced by negative events in real world dating.

Its easy to SAY you are something online.

It is something else entirely to show it, as demonstrated by my personal example.

Welcome to the boards, it gets better

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RE: Why so mean?? - 9/17/2011 12:31:32 PM

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<Sneaks in to send Zeph some highly therapeutic key lime cheesecake.>

(Doesn't that sound great? I have the recipe but have never made it. Maybe for Turkey day?)

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