2 Questions for the readers...........

2 Questions for the readers........... (Full Version)

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VirginPotty -> 2 Questions for the readers........... (10/4/2011 8:55:01 AM)
It was very interesting reading the "deal breaker" thread. http://www.collarchat.com/m_3865852/mpage_7/tm.htm I didn’t want to derail it w/my question so I’m posting my own thread asking 2 questions. If you’ve read the deal breakers please correct me if I'm wrong but I don't believe that I saw "Rudeness" from a slave/sub to their Mistress/Master. I don't mean forgetting to say "please"/or "thank you" I mean ‘angry/(their) feelings hurt tumble from their lips w/o thinking’ induced rudeness. Question 1: If your slave/sub committed such an act would this be a “deal breaker” or would you inflict your form of punishment and get past it? What if it happened again this time in form of actions…Ex: eyes rolling with a “What the heck do you want now”? (Ok, this is a 2-part question)[:)] Question 2: People are human and exhibit all forms of emotions no matter what side of the whip you’re on but how far do you let your slave/sub go down this road before seriously considering that it’s time to move on?

Lockit -> RE: 2 Questions for the readers........... (10/4/2011 9:07:29 AM)
Good questions. I have a low tolerance for bull shit, but this may not be just bull shit. It could be a problem the person is having or a problem in the relationship. First time, it gets my attention. Not punishment, but one serious talk and resolution. If resolution cannot be found and I will seek it out, then I must consider that they are unteachable, unworkable and not fitting for at least me. I will want to know if I have done something that has lost their respect, if there is some emotional problem that has resurfaced from a past relationship or whatever it may be, but I will get my answers or I will consider, that this is a sign that it is a problem they cannot or will not work through. It is best to part and that doesn't take much time at all. I would say within two weeks, I can know if they are willing to work on it. If they are willing to work on it, they temper themselves and I can understand some of it and think it can be stopped, healed or whatever... then I will put more time into them and us. I've learned a lot about human nature and relationships, as well as healthy emotional health. It used to take me far longer to conclude certain things. Now, I don't have time to fix the world and must see someone that is basically healthy emotionally and willing to love as I love. I care about their happiness and this would be a sign that they are not happy, somehow.

Madame4a -> RE: 2 Questions for the readers........... (10/4/2011 9:23:24 AM)
Timely question my boy and I have been discussing this for a couple of weeks due to some behaviour we've been witnessing with some friends. We have a deal -- if something like that happens, she waits or I wait until we are alone somewhere. With any luck, theonly person who would know that I am upset or she is would be the other, not people around us. Frankly in a non power exchange based relationship I would expect the same. In any relationship, I wouldn't want my partner doing that in public. Yes, it might happen, but I'm an adult, and because of that, I would wait till the right moment and that's in private. To me, its simply adult behaviour to at least attempt to control your more negative emotion in public. No, its not always going to happen and I don't know what my threshold is. The bottom line though, as Lockit pointed out, its a sign of unhappiness and I really don't want that. I do find it a total lack of control on the part of a Dominant if their other half is consistently acting that way in public.

ProlificNeeds -> RE: 2 Questions for the readers........... (10/4/2011 9:30:41 AM)
part 1: Acting out, wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker, if they're acting out for ttention (hoping for a beating, then I might indulge in a fun-ishment) or because they have underlying issues that haven't been dealt with (these need to be talked out not whipped out), then it's really a symptom of something else, not a problem in and of itself. I've never run into someone who 'acts up' or 'acts out' like that just because that's 'how they are' it's usually something else, and so I try to attack that 'something else' issue to clear up the symptom. part 2: I let it go where it needs to go depending on the severity of the issue. If it's so severe it interupts the dynamic, then the dynamic needs to halt until it's resolved. If it's something that can be managed through the dynamic, then generally I just try to deal with the cause, instead of the symptom. Usually unless someone is suffering a chemical imbalance, there are causes for the emotional issues(day to day stress, a recent mishap), and ways to help the person deal with them, or learn to manage their emotions instead of being ruled by them(writing diaries, deep breathing). If the sub has made everything about him, him, him, and can't be reasonable to show a little empathy to those around him, I wouldn't find that tolerable any more. In the end the sub/bottom needs to realize if they're ruining the relationship with their behavior it will end, they either own up to it, and try to change, or if they don't want to, we part ways. I don't deal with children, just adults who are willing to own their behaviors and how it impacts a relationship.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: 2 Questions for the readers........... (10/4/2011 9:44:22 AM)
No, it's not a deal breaker if it's a rare occurrence. I would shut it down IMMEDIATELY, but regroup and move on. If it's a pattern of behavior, then it's an issue, and it gets fixed or it's time to move on. I am a person that loves to laugh, tease, and be teased. It can be tricky to tell the difference between fun teasing and disrespect, so that's something that needs to be addressed promptly so it doesn't get out of control. Everyone has their emotional moments, and it's valid to be angry, upset, sad, grieving, thrilled, etc. It's okay to HAVE emotions, it's not necessarily okay to inflict them on other people.

Hisprettybaby -> RE: 2 Questions for the readers........... (10/4/2011 9:56:24 AM)
Question 1: If your slave/sub committed such an act would this be a “deal breaker” or would you inflict your form of punishment and get past it? What if it happened again this time in form of actions…Ex: eyes rolling with a “What the heck do you want now”? (Ok, this is a 2-part question)[:)] I wouldn't immediately consider it a deal breaker. It might mean he's having stress or other issues so, first, I would say let's talk and find out what's wrong, and can we fix it? If it's fixable, great! If it kept on happening, over and over, I would consider it disrespect and it would be dealt with....I'd give a warning the first time and, the second time, he would be gone. Question 2: People are human and exhibit all forms of emotions no matter what side of the whip you’re on but how far do you let your slave/sub go down this road before seriously considering that it’s time to move on? See #1 above. First I would see if it's fixable. If not, then I would give one warning before...poof! To be fair, I would not take out my personal problems on my sub either. Also, there's a difference between teasing and blatant disrespectful B.S.

ProlificNeeds -> RE: 2 Questions for the readers........... (10/4/2011 11:04:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus snip It's okay to HAVE emotions, it's not necessarily okay to inflict them on other people. I like this way of phrasing it, everyone feels, and that's perfectly okay, emotions are always there. It's how you express them that tends to be the offending aspect.

Endivius -> RE: 2 Questions for the readers........... (10/4/2011 11:27:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: VirginPotty Question 1: If your slave/sub committed such an act would this be a “deal breaker” or would you inflict your form of punishment and get past it? What if it happened again this time in form of actions…Ex: eyes rolling with a “What the heck do you want now”? (Ok, this is a 2-part question)[:)] I am more of a positive reinforcement kinda guy. I'll punish one for doing something on purpose like eating with thier mouth open at the table (I fucking hate that); generally if there is an attitude problem we have a discussion and if it is not fixed then I'll decide what my next step will be. Depends on the situation really, people have bad days. Certainly when I just started out with Penny there was a training phase, but once we got past that there were rarely any issues, same thing with Brooke, only Brooke took longer. quote: Question 2: People are human and exhibit all forms of emotions no matter what side of the whip you’re on but how far do you let your slave/sub go down this road before seriously considering that it’s time to move on? If there is a point where I feel that one of us is not making an effort to compromise, communicate, and work through whatever is causing the problems, I would end it. I'm actually one of the most difficult people to get along with in a relationship. I have a lot of things that I will not tolerate, I'm a dick though.

MissImmortalPain -> RE: 2 Questions for the readers........... (10/4/2011 10:09:03 PM)
Answer number one: They have in the past I imagine they will in the future. They are human, I know that. As for punishment. I don't know one person that wouldnt think having to set down for a few hours and talk with me about what happened, and why, isn't punishment(you have to know me to understand why) Answer number two: It depends on the person. ETA- pfft I have crs. No it's not a deal breaker. No one breaks deals with me. You breaka my deals I breaka you knee caps. [:D]

insertclevername -> RE: 2 Questions for the readers........... (10/4/2011 11:03:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: VirginPotty It was very interesting reading the "deal breaker" thread. http://www.collarchat.com/m_3865852/mpage_7/tm.htm I didn’t want to derail it w/my question so I’m posting my own thread asking 2 questions. If you’ve read the deal breakers please correct me if I'm wrong but I don't believe that I saw "Rudeness" from a slave/sub to their Mistress/Master. I don't mean forgetting to say "please"/or "thank you" I mean ‘angry/(their) feelings hurt tumble from their lips w/o thinking’ induced rudeness. Question 1: If your slave/sub committed such an act would this be a “deal breaker” or would you inflict your form of punishment and get past it? What if it happened again this time in form of actions…Ex: eyes rolling with a “What the heck do you want now”? (Ok, this is a 2-part question)[:)] Question 2: People are human and exhibit all forms of emotions no matter what side of the whip you’re on but how far do you let your slave/sub go down this road before seriously considering that it’s time to move on? 1. The answer is going to vary significantly depending on how deeply you are into the relationship. If the eye rolling happens right away, or is constant, it's quite different than if a sub rolls their eyes once months and months into a relationship. 2. Most people are realistic and accept that doms and subs are going to have the full range of human emotions. Generally, people only get ticked off about this if it's very early and they are playing a fantasy of some sort in thier mind.

VirginPotty -> RE: 2 Questions for the readers........... (10/5/2011 9:38:49 AM)
Thank you for all that responded! You've definitely given me alot to think about.

Underestimated2 -> RE: 2 Questions for the readers........... (10/5/2011 10:13:07 AM)
Edited

Lockit -> RE: 2 Questions for the readers........... (10/5/2011 11:06:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Underestimated2 quote: willing to love as I love. I think locket in her last five words said more than all the words typed on this thread. But love as I love, implies an understand stretching from well beneath the cognitive level. Thank you Underestimated2... you can be sure, I will never underestimate you because you caught what explains my other words and is the bottom line for me. I was thinking I should come back and explain and you have helped me. What Insertclevername points out does have merit and I can give a big agreement to that, but it isn't always with a new relationship or with someone that has a fantasy in my view of things. Sometimes life throws out a challenge and people respond in ways that they might not have in different situations. Like, I had a great relationship once until a hospital trip and basically malpractice. My guy had this haunted look on his face and I saw it coming... he couldn't deal with the situation. He stood up, said... I'm sorry I can't watch this and that man ran for his life! He left me there fighting the medical staff all on my own, with no witness. I ended up calling my son to help me. Until that moment there was no sign that could warn me of what his reaction would be. Abandonment in a dangerous situation... isn't loving like I would love. I would face in that moment my fears or horror rather than run when I needed to stand. (Yes, I am a hard wench to hold someone else to that, but he wasn't being hurt, I was.) He didn't love me like I love. That hurt a lot. Who cares that he was looking at wedding rings to ask me to marry him? Which is more important? A guy willing to marry me and have the good parts, that would only run during the bad? Which means more? I miss him to this day, but... he did too much damage on that day. Rolling the eyes can be a small sign that something bigger is on the way, in my opinion. Had he waited just ten more minutes, he would have seen I had the situation handled. He didn't trust me and my experience with these people and I only needed help carrying myself out of the building. Instead he saw them risking my life and ran. Loving as I love, means trust and respect. There are signs when trust or respect is effected by the lack or adding something to the situation. I would not roll my eyes at someone I love unless I were joking. I would not roll my eyes because they said something I didn't like. I would talk to them, but starting a conversation with a rolling of the eyes or disrespect is going to turn into a nightmare. If all love and trust is dead... go ahead and ruin any respect there might be with rolling your eyes. Some of this also falls into honor. If you don't honor your word to someone, it is easier to disrespect and lose love by rolling your eyes at them. It may have been time to go before it got to that. So basically, when I love I will consider many things, but will not consider or give much time to someone that is hurting me, us, themselves by allowing whatever it is that is upsetting them, to harm our communications, flow of love, respect and trust by way of immature responses to adult things. It is a sign of far more than what is going on that caused the upset, and is a way of conducting themselves that suggests they may be unworkable in repairing whatever it is, because they are not conducting themselves in an adult manner (to start with) that promotes healing, dealing and working it out. We can all mess up... but certain types of mess ups... go deep and mean a lot of things and though I have tried in different relationships, people make choices that often times negate their prior choices. I don't fight that anymore and spend years trying to work something out with someone that shows signs of lacking respect or love, because that can go far deeper and it could already be too late to hang tight and love them when they clearly don't love you in the same way. Why beat a dead horse so to speak? If you love the way I do, you aren't going to disrespect that person unless there is a deeper rooted problem in dealing with adult matters, in my opinion.

Focus50 -> RE: 2 Questions for the readers........... (10/5/2011 5:09:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: VirginPotty It was very interesting reading the "deal breaker" thread. http://www.collarchat.com/m_3865852/mpage_7/tm.htm I didn’t want to derail it w/my question so I’m posting my own thread asking 2 questions. If you’ve read the deal breakers please correct me if I'm wrong but I don't believe that I saw "Rudeness" from a slave/sub to their Mistress/Master. I don't mean forgetting to say "please"/or "thank you" I mean ‘angry/(their) feelings hurt tumble from their lips w/o thinking’ induced rudeness. Question 1: If your slave/sub committed such an act would this be a “deal breaker” or would you inflict your form of punishment and get past it? What if it happened again this time in form of actions…Ex: eyes rolling with a “What the heck do you want now”? (Ok, this is a 2-part question)[:)] Question 2: People are human and exhibit all forms of emotions no matter what side of the whip you’re on but how far do you let your slave/sub go down this road before seriously considering that it’s time to move on? I don't like my sub having pent up negative emotions. I tend to pick up on such potential problems anyway as well as encourage her to speak up about such things before it's a problem. But I also appreciate that it's not always easy for a submissive to initate such a discussion. So yeah, there are times (in any relationship) where emotions inevitably boil over. My preferred relationships are committed and monogamous, so I'm not so quick to point to the door. It's really a matter of drawing my own line between understanding an occasional (emotional) aberration rather than tolerating habitual melt downs. The occasions when the girl has gone off at me, my way is mostly to just sit there all quiet and attentive and let her go, no matter what she says or names she calls me. Get everything out of her system - fully flushed. And every single time, it's ended with the girl becoming somewhat sheepish and self-conscious, embarrassed even. And then we talk; not Dom to sub but adult to adult. If it is just an aberration, then it's not a punishable offence.... Fire (in all its forms) cleanses. Focus.

DarkSteven -> RE: 2 Questions for the readers........... (10/5/2011 5:40:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: VirginPotty Question 1: If your slave/sub committed such an act would this be a “deal breaker” or would you inflict your form of punishment and get past it? What if it happened again this time in form of actions…Ex: eyes rolling with a “What the heck do you want now”? (Ok, this is a 2-part question)[:)] Question 2: People are human and exhibit all forms of emotions no matter what side of the whip you’re on but how far do you let your slave/sub go down this road before seriously considering that it’s time to move on? 1. Depends. If her outburst was due to me putting her in an untenable position, I'll assume the fault. If she just blew up with no reason for it, I'll try to make her explain what was going on. If she's just doing it for attention, I'll reconsider whether I can give her the attention she needs on a regular basis. 2. If I start feeling like she's out of control and there's nothing I can do about it, I will likely call things off. Note that this only applies to things between the two of us. Should she start showing disrespect to me while speaking with others, it's goodbye.

VirginPotty -> RE: 2 Questions for the readers........... (10/6/2011 5:54:19 AM)
quote: I don't like my sub having pent up negative emotions. I tend to pick up on such potential problems anyway as well as encourage her to speak up about such things before it's a problem. But I also appreciate that it's not always easy for a submissive to initate such a discussion. So yeah, there are times (in any relationship) where emotions inevitably boil over. My preferred relationships are committed and monogamous, so I'm not so quick to point to the door. It's really a matter of drawing my own line between understanding an occasional (emotional) aberration rather than tolerating habitual melt downs. The occasions when the girl has gone off at me, my way is mostly to just sit there all quiet and attentive and let her go, no matter what she says or names she calls me. Get everything out of her system - fully flushed. And every single time, it's ended with the girl becoming somewhat sheepish and self-conscious, embarrassed even. And then we talk; not Dom to sub but adult to adult. If it is just an aberration, then it's not a punishable offence.... Fire (in all its forms) cleanses. Focus. Allowing your girl to verbally go off on you is an interesting concept. I wish I had that sort of outlet when I was a sub!

littlewonder -> RE: 2 Questions for the readers........... (10/6/2011 10:33:55 AM)
Master would never even bothered going on a second date if he saw I was a rude person. Now there are times when I get upset over something and I let my emotions get away from me. He just reels me in and calms me down and reminds me of my place in his life. I've yet to ever be angry with him..it's always over other people, other stuff. If I did it often or all the time he'd just cut all ties and be done with me. It's not worth the drama to either of us.

Focus50 -> RE: 2 Questions for the readers........... (10/7/2011 2:22:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: VirginPotty Allowing your girl to verbally go off on you is an interesting concept. I wish I had that sort of outlet when I was a sub! I don't actually see it as being about me, even if it's me she's pissed at. Something's on her mind; it's affecting her (consciously or subconsciously) which means it's affecting us and I want it dealt with. Ordering her to get over it without meaningful discussion just means it festers into a bigger problem around the corner. But like I said, it's a matter of where you draw the line on the relationship as a whole. I'm not gonna be her "scratching post" to vent her emotions every few weeks. I don't want her to "fail", or feel she can't discuss what's on her mind, even if it's something about my habits or behaviour. If letting her vent once or twice is what it takes to learn she can talk to me as an adult and partner as well as her dom, then let's get it done and dusted. It's worth it as long as she learns that lesson. Even when they've failed prematurely, I've always entered my relationships for the long haul.... Focus.

HannahLynHeather -> RE: 2 Questions for the readers........... (10/7/2011 3:15:59 PM)
quote: If your slave/sub committed such an act would this be a “deal breaker” or would you inflict your form of punishment and get past it? What if it happened again this time in form of actions…Ex: eyes rolling with a “What the heck do you want now”? no big deal, i wouldn't do too fucking much at all, maybe fire some insults back and then talk over whatever is bugging her when we she calms down, but really i generally don't pay a lot of attention to insults. quote: People are human and exhibit all forms of emotions no matter what side of the whip you’re on but how far do you let your slave/sub go down this road before seriously considering that it’s time to move on? i love her, i'll forgive her most anything. you know, fuck this "show me respect as your dominant" bullshit, that's all it is, bullshit. if she's pissed at me and wants to tell me i'm a fucking skanky old syphilitic whore, i want to know that she's that pissed off. how the fuck else am i supposed to know just how pissed off she is? d/s isn't some fucking miss manners game, its about obedience and control. i control, she obeys, the words used and eye rolling mean fuck all as long as she does what she's told. i don't really give a fuck if she's happy to do it or not, and i don't give a fuck if she lets me know just how unhappy about it she is. why shouldn't she? why the fuck pretend? it's about her doing what i tell her to when i tell her to do it, the attitude just adds more spice and fun to the day. besides, sometimes i tell her to do shit just because i know she hates doing it. and its way more fun when she does it while calling me every evil thing she can think of. that's what shows real fucking respect for my authority, doing it in spite of hating it, doing it when she's mad as fuck at me, just fucking doing what she's told no matter what the circumstances or situation.

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