Herpes -- Dealing with it

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Herpes -- Dealing with it - 10/29/2011 7:08:13 AM

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Very newly,and unhappliy, diagnosed (at age 65 -- and after self-imposed hibernation, not having sex with anyone for over 11 years -- can you believe it? ). I insisted on latex condoms for every sexual act with the first man I finally did have sex with (a D I met here on CM). I am pretty upset about having contracted it, but that is not my issue now, here.

My questions are: How do you deal with it? Do you get rejected a lot (I have already been "declined" by a D here; not surprising--before I contracted it, I'd probably reject someone who had it)? At what point do you tell someone. Philisophically, I opt for right away. Would appreciate some suggestions, help, your experiences? Have you found someone who can deal with it or has it, too? Just really bummed out about the whole thing.

RE: Herpes -- Dealing with it - 10/29/2011 7:59:40 AM

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My mom has it. Through an unfortunate series of events I'm the lucky recipient of her tales. I've also had to deal with some of her medical stuff when she went in for surgery. It might as well benefit someone.

Disclose early. If not right away then as soon as you discuss sex. Disclose early not just for their sake but for yours; don't let it get under your skin if some men can't handle it. I've seen it really ruin some confidence and you don't need to do that to yourself. If you're aware of outbreaks, have access to medication and you keep on using protection...some people still aren't gonna want to go there, but there's also a good number of people who won't care so much. This of course is coming from the vanilla community and I've found the kink set a little more aware of risk and that may mean they're a little less welcoming. Any stories I know would have a mild ick factor just because of the source.

Despite the possible TMI there, I just really wanted to tell you that you don't need to be bummed out. It's not the end of sex and there will always be someone willing to get past a bad diagnosis.

(in reply to gorgeoushair)

RE: Herpes -- Dealing with it - 10/29/2011 8:19:49 AM

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@ lelloy --

Thanks. One D here said it would not be something he could not deal with, which was good to hear. How I got it is still not clear, believe it or not, but I'm over trying to figure it out. The simple fact is that I have it now (outbreak has been over for weeks). I appreciate your good words and your willingness to share your experience. Hope your mother is generally well and thriving -- you too.

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RE: Herpes -- Dealing with it - 10/29/2011 8:43:34 AM

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I don't have it but when I was still single I wanted someone to tell me from the very beginning of our discussions so we didn't waste each other's time since I really didn't have any desire to date anyone with it.

I think you should tell them as soon as you can when it is comfortable in conversation for the both of you. I'm not saying tell them in the first email but as soon as you might find you both have even a little bit of interest in at least meeting in person.

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RE: Herpes -- Dealing with it - 10/29/2011 9:12:10 AM

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@ little wonder__
Thanks, I totally agree...I would never want to "wait" and see....some have suggested that to me....I'm not that way. I am a very up front person....

(in reply to littlewonder)

RE: Herpes -- Dealing with it - 10/29/2011 6:29:15 PM

MstrDennynSlave

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Having used a condom does not guarantee that you will not get herpes. The D you were with could of had a very small sore just starting anywhere on his groin. If he has a lot of hair, it wouldn't be noticed without actually looking for it. Any little cut or scratch on you could very well have come into contact with any sore he might of had. It isn't a death sentence. Just take your medication when needed and inform anyone up front about it. I'm of the mindset that if the person is right for you, the herpes won't be a big problem for either of you.

(in reply to gorgeoushair)

RE: Herpes -- Dealing with it - 10/29/2011 9:31:26 PM

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the majority of herpes transmission occurs during the period of "asymptomatic viral shedding"...the infected individual doesnt have any apparent, visible sores; but the virus particle is replicating by the 100s of millions and being released. Using a condom does NOT guarantee that a STD (HSV or any other contagion) will bypass you....
What can you do now? first always be honest with your partners. You contracted it under unfortunate cicumstances; dont transmit it to another unwilling victim. Secondly, your doctor can prescribe acyclovir to reduce the duration and intensity of the outbreaks (wal mart has it on their $4/month plan--so it is very economically feasible)

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RE: Herpes -- Dealing with it - 10/29/2011 10:20:10 PM

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If I may suggest something - HSV is a reason to be double cautious. Sores facilitate the transmission of other, more serious STDs.

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RE: Herpes -- Dealing with it - 10/30/2011 3:02:20 AM

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Thanks, everyone for your information and suggestions. I have had two D's "decline" to move forward becuase of it. By the same token, at least one D has it, too, and another said it would not faze him since he was married for a long time to a woman who had it. I have posted in my journal that I have it, so it's out there, up front and personal. Might as well. I suppose I will eventually find my way with it--meet someone who values me more than is fearful of Herpes. Have done some research on it, too.
Thanks again for your kind help and support. I very much appreciate it.

BTW, the D from whom I believe I contracted it insisted that he did not have it because he never had any outbreaks. I explained that that was not determinative. He (still) refuses to get tested. We don't communicate anymore. I pity the women he meets from here on in.

(in reply to MedicineMan)

RE: Herpes -- Dealing with it - 11/3/2011 1:33:05 AM

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Looks like things are winding down on responses. Want to thank everyone. I was stunned and very upset at first, especially since the D did not handle things in what I regard as an adult fashion. I realize that I can live with it and that if and when I meet the right person, it won't prevent a good relationship from happening.
Thanks again.

(in reply to gorgeoushair)

RE: Herpes -- Dealing with it - 11/4/2011 8:32:37 PM

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I have received so many wonderful messages, from people here and in my life about how living with Herpes is not the end of the world, that I wish to say that I am moving on... If I were a praying type person, I would pray for the D whom I believe gave it to me and forgive him. It's what I need to do to move forward in my life...Thanks everyone, I do not plan on posting any more on this thread. I leave it all up to you (and it seems that everyone is kinda' done with it, very few posts in all), should you wish...Thanks again.

(in reply to gorgeoushair)

RE: Herpes -- Dealing with it - 11/26/2011 11:57:47 AM

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Another thing that needs to be remembered is the fact that cold sores on the mouth are a form of herpes and can be transmitted to the genitals by contact during oral sex. And you can also get genital herpes oraly. They are a different strain of the virus but very similar and treated the exact same way.

And don't forget herpes isn't going to shorten your life or your health, it only affects the skin during an outbreak. It is spread very easily since you can contract it when your partner hasn't started showing an outbreak yet, and there are a huge amount of the population that has it and doesn't even know because they don't have outbreaks.

(in reply to gorgeoushair)

RE: Herpes -- Dealing with it - 11/26/2011 3:06:01 PM

Rule

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It is a deadly disease. I have got it and I likely am the world's foremost expert on herpes.

The best gorgeoushair can do would be to go back to the dom she got it from. For this guy will go on infecting other women unless he is in a stable relationship. So it is best not for her, but for all those other women he would otherwise infect.

(in reply to Magiere)

RE: Herpes -- Dealing with it - 11/26/2011 3:13:30 PM

WinsomeDefiance

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I would think that going back to someone who is ethically retarded, and possibly has other sexually transmittable diseases by now - would be the absolute worst case scenario.

She can't undo the past, or unget the disease, but for crying out loud - going back to someone who refuses to get tested? Fuck that. The only reason I'd return to someone like that, would be to introduce their noggin to my iron skillet.

WinD

(in reply to Rule)

RE: Herpes -- Dealing with it - 11/26/2011 3:16:22 PM

WinsomeDefiance

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A friend of mine's daughter contracted herpes about 8 years ago, when she was a teenager. She's married and has had 4 children, and none of the children or her husband have the disease. There's life after herpes. You just have to be responsible, and ethical about how you go about engaging in relationships - which ideally, one should be doing anyway.

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RE: Herpes -- Dealing with it - 11/26/2011 3:20:41 PM

Rule

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance
The only reason I'd return to someone like that, would be to introduce their noggin to my iron skillet.

Well, that might also prevent him from infecting other people. Go for it!

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RE: Herpes -- Dealing with it - 11/26/2011 3:31:33 PM

WinsomeDefiance

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rule

quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance
The only reason I'd return to someone like that, would be to introduce their noggin to my iron skillet.

Well, that might also prevent him from infecting other people. Go for it!

Well, I'd never ever want to literally harm anyone, BUT - hypothetically speaking, if I ever actually armed myself with my iron skillet, and set about righting the world's wrongs, I'd probably not start with some strange internet dude I've never met. Baby steps yanno. Knocking sense into the noggins of just the people I know personally, would keep me busy a lifetime. Hell, it would take me quite a long time just to get the job done in my own household.

(in reply to Rule)

RE: Herpes -- Dealing with it - 11/26/2011 3:36:57 PM

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Medically speaking, herpes isn't a big deal. It won't shorten your life span, cause any physical impairments, or permanently deform you. Herpes boils down to some small, temporary, painful sores that pop up now and again. The only reason a herpes diagnosis should be troubling is that there is a great deal of social stigma attached to diseases we cannot cure, especially if they crop up "down there." Basic, human, gross out factor and nothing more. There are plenty of people who'll turn you down flat simply because you have herpes. That's life, and you need to be up front about it. Those who'll choose to reject you for this reason will do so whether or not you wait to break the news. But there are TONS of people out there who realize that herpes isn't such a big deal and understand that a few simple precautions are all you need to prevent spreading the disease. I don't have the disease, but I've often wondered how I'd feel if I contracted it. I mean, 80% of the population has oral herpes AND you can contract the disease even if your partner is asymptomatic. Am I going to stop letting my partner eat me out just because he may have oral herpes and I could contract it? No, life is too short to live in fear. You got it, but deal with it like any other unfortunate accident and try not to let it get you down.

(in reply to Rule)

RE: Herpes -- Dealing with it - 11/26/2011 3:48:50 PM

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dont be that tripped out about it.
Heres why.
according to the cdc, one out of every six people (ages 14 to 49) has genital herpes.
One in every five has a std of some sort.

Its really not as uncommon as you think.

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RE: Herpes -- Dealing with it - 11/26/2011 7:40:05 PM

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I went through a scare recently - a completely uncalled for anxiety, which is kind of normal for me when it comes to medical issues. I was feeling all good and responsible because I had gotten an STD panel. I realized, afterward, about how herpes testing wasn't standard and that many, many people who have genital herpes never even realize it. So, I went and got tested, but it took a few days for the results and during that time, I was very concerned that I maybe had it and never knew it.

It turned out negative, but my point is that during that time I wound up talking to several men about it - single men, on the dating scene. I expressed my concern, and each one told me that if it did turn out to be positive, that wouldn't stop them from dating me (or whoever). It was actually quite comforting to know.

(in reply to JanahX)

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