confused and need advice please (Full Version)

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eagertoplease55 -> confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 8:26:54 AM)

I need some advice.

I've been with this man for 6 yrs. We just went through some very hard times with the economy and everything. I'm getting tired of him always being angry with me.. always blaming me for everything that goes wrong. There is a huge list of concerns I have that he is turning into a huge asshole.

Heres what he said after I said I would appreciate it if he were a little less domineering and a little bit nicer to me. I told him that I was spoiling him and enabling his bad behavior.

"You have spoiled me and made me like Cartman I will try and be nicer but I will tell you, I expect nothing less that your total submission, I have a switch inside and when u flip it it is not pretty. That day when we were at the cabin and I told you come to me and stop doing what you were doing and come to me and you said no and politely told me no fucking way and defied me I was fucking enraged something serious. I cannot function without you always being Daddy's good girl, it is what I want, must have and love more than anything in the world!!!!!!"

Now, I am no angel, but I definitely wait on him and pamper him 24/7. I love to serve and submit, but I'm tired of being with someone that is so completely selfish, just uses me and yells at me for every little mistake I make. Am I an idiot for being with this person or am I just whining?




GreedyTop -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 8:28:26 AM)

couples counseling, STAT. Preferably with a kink friendly counselor.




Hillwilliam -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 8:29:35 AM)

Could it be that the economy is placing more stress on him (and you) than anyone will let on?

Men and women react differently to stress.




eagertoplease55 -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 8:31:13 AM)

Of course, but he just landed a high paying job a month ago. His stress is back to minimal.




kalikshama -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 8:34:03 AM)

Was he narcissistic before the money problems?




eagertoplease55 -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 8:45:49 AM)

I think a little bit, but it's never been this bad.




kalikshama -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 8:52:24 AM)

Here's how to talk to a narcissist. (You violated # 5 of the Don'ts.)

This actually works, but why would you want to put yourself through it?

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily19.html

The TEN DO'S
How to Make your Narcissist Dependent on You If you INSIST on Staying with Him


- Listen attentively to everything the narcissist says and agree with it all. Don't believe a word of it but let it slide as if everything is just fine, business as usual.

- Personally offer something absolutely unique to the narcissist which they cannot obtain anywhere else. Also be prepared to line up future sources of primary Narcissistic Supply for your narcissist because you will not be IT for very long, if at all. If you take over the procuring function for the narcissist, they become that much more dependent on you which makes it a bit tougher for them to pull their haughty stuff – an inevitability, in any case.

- Be endlessly patient and go way out of your way to be accommodating, thus keeping the narcissistic supply flowing liberally, and keeping the peace (relatively speaking).

- Be endlessly giving. This one may not be attractive to you, but it is a take it or leave it proposition.

- Be absolutely emotionally and financially independent of the narcissist. Take what you need: the excitement and engulfment and refuse to get upset or hurt when the narcissist does or says something dumb, rude, or insensitive. Yelling back works really well but should be reserved for special occasions when you fear your narcissist may be on the verge of leaving you; the silent treatment is better as an ordinary response, but it must be carried out without any emotional content, more with the air of boredom and "I'll talk to you later, when I am good and ready, and when you are behaving in a more reasonable fashion".

- If your narcissist is cerebral and NOT interested in having much sex – then give yourself ample permission to have "hidden" sex with other people. Your cerebral narcissist will not be indifferent to infidelity so discretion and secrecy is of paramount importance.

- If your narcissist is somatic and you don't mind, join in on group sex encounters but make sure that you choose properly for your narcissist. They are heedless and very undiscriminating in respect of sexual partners and that can get very problematic (STDs and blackmail come to mind).

- If you are a "fixer", then focus on fixing situations, preferably before they become "situations". Don't for one moment delude yourself that you can FIX the narcissist – it simply will not happen. Not because they are being stubborn – they just simply can't be fixed.

- If there is any fixing that can be done, it is to help your narcissist become aware of their condition, and this is VERY IMPORTANT, with no negative implications or accusations in the process at all. It is like living with a physically handicapped person and being able to discuss, calmly, unemotionally, what the limitations and benefits of the handicap are and how the two of you can work with these factors, rather than trying to change them.

- Finally, and most important of all: KNOW YOURSELF.

- What are you getting from the relationship? Are you actually a masochist? A codependent perhaps? Why is this relationship attractive and interesting?

- Define for yourself what good and beneficial things you believe you are receiving in this relationship.

- Define the things that you find harmful TO YOU. Develop strategies to minimize the harm to yourself. Don't expect that you will cognitively be able to reason with the narcissist to change who they are. You may have some limited success in getting your narcissist to tone down on the really harmful behaviours THAT AFFECT YOU. This can only be accomplished in a very trusting, frank and open relationship.

FIVE DON'T DO'S
How to Avoid the Wrath of the Narcissist


1. Never disagree with the narcissist or contradict him;

2. Never offer him any intimacy;

3. Look awed by whatever attribute matters to him (for instance: by his professional achievements or by his good looks, or by his success with women and so on);

4. Never remind him of life out there and if you do, connect it somehow to his sense of grandiosity;

5. Do not make any comment, which might directly or indirectly impinge on his self-image, omnipotence, judgment, omniscience, skills, capabilities, professional record, or even omnipresence. Bad sentences start with: "I think you overlooked ... made a mistake here ... you don't know ... do you know ... you were not here yesterday so ... you cannot ... you should ... (perceived as rude imposition, narcissists react very badly to restrictions placed on their freedom) ... I (never mention the fact that you are a separate, independent entity, narcissists regard others as extensions of their selves, their internalization processes were screwed up and they did not differentiate properly) ..." You get the gist of it.








eagertoplease55 -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 9:12:54 AM)

why do i put myself through it?

He seriously talks more than anyone I have ever met. He will waste an entire evening talking (about nothing important.. just stories) when I would rather be getting drilled in the ass. When I speak more than a sentence he acts disinterested.. gets quiet and doesn't ever respond back. But thats only when theres a break in his speech where I feel I can assert myself otherwise he yells at me for interrupting.

If I tell him he's narcissistic, I have to do it very politely and make sure I do not come off as attacking him. Then he'll just say "I'll work on it" and blow me off.




GreedyTop -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 9:28:06 AM)

see my first post, if you really think it's worth working on.

personally, having spent time with someone like that (about 2 months), I'd be outta there like a shot




eagertoplease55 -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 9:29:32 AM)

I understand. Thank you for your advice.




anniezz338 -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 9:56:30 AM)

After 6 years together, you should know him pretty well by now. Is this the same guy or has he changed? Or have you changed? What does your gut tell you? Short sentences like "I'll work on it" doesn't show any real communication. Break down in communication will be detrimental to any type of relationship.

If it were me, i would say i feel this relationship is in damage control mode. Whether this damage is repairable or not is something i feel needs to be addressed and that can only be found out by real communication. If he just keeps saying I'm spoiled now but will work on it but here is a list of things you are doing wrong, i would not feel good about it because the behavior is not changing. Only time will tell and then you have decisions you will need to make.

Good luck to you.




eagertoplease55 -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 10:16:40 AM)

Thank you for your response. I do know him well. I know almost everything about him... which is why I feel I am spoiling him. I think I'm going to see what happens in the next 2 months. I'm trying to get him to read everything he can find on the subject of being a good Dominant. Hopefully he will make the effort. I do have faith in him.




DarkSteven -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 10:57:14 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: eagertoplease55
"That day when we were at the cabin and I told you come to me and stop doing what you were doing and come to me and you said no and politely told me no fucking way and defied me I was fucking enraged something serious."


I'm not saying I condone what he's doing, but if I told my sub to come to me, I would expect her to either do so or tell me why she wouldn't.  If she told me "No fucking way", I would punish her for disobedience as well as lack of respect.  What other kind of response could you expect?




Lockit -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 11:07:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: eagertoplease55

Thank you for your response. I do know him well. I know almost everything about him... which is why I feel I am spoiling him. I think I'm going to see what happens in the next 2 months. I'm trying to get him to read everything he can find on the subject of being a good Dominant. Hopefully he will make the effort. I do have faith in him.


You are going to a common place when someone feels things are out of control. You are going into control mode. Either by disobedience or demanding. When you start fixing things on your own... it goes there. Step lightly if you want this to work. Each must work on this and value the opinion of the other. If they don't, say good bye and save the drama for the movie screen. It only gets ugly from there.

I am a dominant... I can't see negating my submissives feelings or behavior without having some part in it. Though I am a dominant, I have known situations like this and someone that devalues you and cannot hear you or your actions, isn't workable and I tend to believe there is a deeper issue that isn't going to get fixed unless they do get it.

I walk fast from people that cannot see anything but what they want, dominant or not and people that devalue another claiming a right of dominance. Its time to examine things and if they don't, you have to decide whether it is worth it to play the martyr/victim/counselor/understanding one, etc.




DarkSteven -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 11:12:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: eagertoplease55

Thank you for your response. I do know him well. I know almost everything about him... which is why I feel I am spoiling him. I think I'm going to see what happens in the next 2 months. I'm trying to get him to read everything he can find on the subject of being a good Dominant. Hopefully he will make the effort. I do have faith in him.


If he's been your Dom for six years, why would he react positively to you telling him to read up how to be a Dominant?  That's topping from the bottom in a big way.  I'd consider that a challenge to me, about whether I am still in control of the relationship or not.




ghita -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 11:22:14 AM)

Uhm.

I just had a creepy realization moment. Ever see those cartoons where the lightbulb appears overhead? Yea. One of those.




Lockit -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 11:59:23 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

quote:

ORIGINAL: eagertoplease55

Thank you for your response. I do know him well. I know almost everything about him... which is why I feel I am spoiling him. I think I'm going to see what happens in the next 2 months. I'm trying to get him to read everything he can find on the subject of being a good Dominant. Hopefully he will make the effort. I do have faith in him.


If he's been your Dom for six years, why would he react positively to you telling him to read up how to be a Dominant?  That's topping from the bottom in a big way.  I'd consider that a challenge to me, about whether I am still in control of the relationship or not.


Steven, I think I know you well enough to know that you wouldn't stop at that in a personal relationship. I believe that you examine things and you would have a vested interest in why things were happening as they were and would act responsibly as a dominant.. hell, just another human being with compassion, personal accountability and care for another. While you might think it topping and unacceptable, you would investigate it all, try to understand and go from there, wherever that might lead you.

I don't see that happening in the op's situation from what is being said. Of course there is far more to it all, I am very sure... but I think I know you would not be leaving someone thinking you weren't interested and weren't doing anything to change the situation. It is more than d/s here. It is relationship dynamics that go further than only a d/s objective, when people are acting like this. I'm not saying one or the other is more important... but that a blend between the two is a big deal and if one is off, the other is sure to be off too. I think you see that from our many talks.




eagertoplease55 -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 12:00:25 PM)

I would never say that.. he put those words in my mouth.. reread it pls.. he said that I politely told him no fucking way.




eagertoplease55 -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 12:02:22 PM)

He says that he doesn't need to do any research that it all comes from inside him and that im the first slave hes ever had.




anniezz338 -> RE: confused and need advice please (11/5/2011 12:03:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: eagertoplease55

Thank you for your response. I do know him well. I know almost everything about him... which is why I feel I am spoiling him. I think I'm going to see what happens in the next 2 months. I'm trying to get him to read everything he can find on the subject of being a good Dominant. Hopefully he will make the effort. I do have faith in him.


I have to agree with Steven on this one. Communicating about the issues is one thing, challenging his dominance is quite another.....it will only exasperate the situation. You admitted in your OP that you are no angel. Take your part of the accountability and work on yourself and see what he does with his side. That's all you can really do.

Edited to add i do a side gig where questions about sexuality is common place. A guy came in saying he was new to domination and wanted to learn all he could. Not being in a relationship with him, it was easy to say learn all you can about submissives. I couldn't learn to be a rocket scientist without knowing how a rocket works and what makes them tick.




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