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Serial Abandonment As Abuse - 5/26/2006 6:43:54 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Since I have started posting here I have seen several threads on this subject, usually started by someone that has gone through the pain of abandonment and that pain is still fresh. I decided to write a new thread on this subject and relate my experience because I think that this is a common issue, especially for the new submissive exploring D/s either online or in a long distance situation. It is a painful topic, but I think it is also a topic that needs to be discussed based on what I have read here.

Now I want to make sure I preface this by saying that a dominant that needs time away from a submissive because of their behavior, or to think is not being abusive necessarily. I also think that this "tool" can be overused as easily as any other, and the wounds it can leave are just as scarring to the submissive as a singletail can be. I was going to post this in the Ask a Submissive forum, but I think that perhaps dom/mes should see it and add to it too.

I was involved with someone for over 2 years long distance, much of the time over the internet, but we did see each other real time also. I felt very submissive to him, he claimed me to be his, but alas I was a novice and I still do not know how to label our relationship, and that is an entirely different thread anyways. It seems in hindsight that any time he wanted me to do as he said, and there was resistance to it he would punish me by not talking to me. He would not talk to me until I complied, and then he would acknowledge my compliance, but he would still refuse to really talk to me about it (or anything else for that matter) for sometimes 2 weeks at a time. I never knew how long his forgiveness would take. It might take a week, it might take 2 days, it once took 3 weeks.

This behavior left me off balance in the relationship. This behavior touched on childhood issues of abandonment. I began to have panic attacks as a result of this form of punishment, they were the "trigger" to what was later diagnosed as mild PTSD due to my father's death. I relate this because I want those who use this "punishment" to realize the can of worms they are opening if they are not careful. Perhaps I needed this trigger to deal with these issues (which I have), but who could predict I would have faced it headlong and dealt with it, not him.

He continnued to do this even after I told him what was going on with me. He crossed the line into abuse when he did this. I write this because I see other subs so "thankful" they are "forgiven" for such slight offenses that do not merit being left in the lurch by someone they have entrusted on so many levels. I write this because it can be extremely detrimental to those going through it. D/s is not an excuse to leave someone in a panic about the relationship and manipulate them with the panic they feel at being "left". That is not healthy, that is abuse. And everytime I read one of those threads about this issue I can read the panic the submissive feels, and then sometimes they come back and praise their dom/me for forgiving them. Then the cycle starts again.


I just wanted to post this for those that have went through this, or are going through this, so maybe they can think about it. I also wanted the dom/mes to understand that this form of punishment can end up abusive if the sub is not given a timeline of when they will be spoken to again, or how long the punishment will last. It just seems like a never ending anxiety attack to have it open ended for the sub.



_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt
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RE: Serial Abandonment As Abuse - 5/26/2006 6:51:03 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		Thank you for posting this Julia. I have never had an online relationship so haven't been exposed to this sort of 'punishment' from a dominant and it is not something I've ever run across in day to day life living with Himself or a prior owner so I'm anxious to see comments and responses if for nothing else than to gain a little understanding on what someone gains from cyber service or service where being abandoned is normal as a punishment for errant behavior. I also would wonder what sort of behavior would bring a dominant to punish someone like this offline.. though would assume it's much more common in online relationships. Do those who own online think this is effective or the only way to deal with errant behavior? Is there some other way that won't lead to issues of abandonment for the one in service?

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Serial Abandonment As Abuse - 5/26/2006 6:52:30 PM   
reticence


Posts: 180
Joined: 2/28/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you for posting this and being so open.  I agree that if withdrawal from a submissive is to be used as a form of punishment <personally, i think it is a mark of a lazy Dom/me> it should be understood how long the withdrawal will last.  I have heard time and time again of the panic a submissive endures when her Dom/me just disappears without being adequately prepared and reassured that they have not been abandoned.


(a first post from a long time lurker)

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Serial Abandonment As Abuse - 5/26/2006 6:58:26 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Well bita, it was also done after we met in real life ...so it is a long distance relationship issue in my mind. I was not looking for D/s when we met online with online political activism, it just kinda happened... lol. I am not into cyber anything either...lol. It just kinda happened that way

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to BitaTruble)
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RE: Serial Abandonment As Abuse - 5/26/2006 7:02:26 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I write this because I see other subs so "thankful" they are "forgiven" for such slight offenses that do not merit being left in the lurch by someone they have entrusted on so many levels. I write this because it can be extremely detrimental to those going through it. D/s is not an excuse to leave someone in a panic about the relationship and manipulate them with the panic they feel at being "left". That is not healthy, that is abuse. And everytime I read one of those threads about this issue I can read the panic the submissive feels, and then sometimes they come back and praise their dom/me for forgiving them. Then the cycle starts again.


Juliaoceania:  I couldnt agree more.  This is SO well-put.  I know alot of dominants use this as a punishment tactic and alot of submissives accept it.  However I do not agree with it.  This tactic was used on me when I was new.  The dominant was not pleased with me over something that happened in our scening and he left me in limbo as to where the relationship stood.  Like a damn newbie fool, I crawled for his forgiveness and he exploited it by giving it to me under certain conditions, that I would break through some limits.  God...Looking back on this I am embaressed to admit that I was actually grateful for him taking me back, that I didnt care what I had to do for it.  My esteem is much better now and I would never tolerate that type of thing again.  But when we are new, we think this is part of being submissive.  Or at least I did.  Maybe thats why Im so jaded towards these types now and can spot them from a mile a way.  I know alot of submissives would disagree with me, but I think that using the relationship to threaten the submissive is unacceptable and definately bordelines on emotional abuse.  All I can remember is the sheer panic I was in waiting to find out if he was going to take me back.  It was horrible.  I think a smart dom can find a better way to get his point across without breaking down the submissives feeling of security, which is of the utmost importance as the foundation of a Ds relationship (or any relationship for that matter).  Kudos to you for a beautifully written piece.   Thank you.  :)

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Serial Abandonment As Abuse - 5/26/2006 7:07:22 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Marie,

This is EXACTLY why I posted this, because a lot of newbies go through this. Perhaps if a lot of us share our experiences those reading it will understand this is not something that happens to all submissives. The person I am seeing now told me he would never do this to me.... I think it was then I realized how screwed up it is to do someone this way.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to marieToo)
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RE: Serial Abandonment As Abuse - 5/26/2006 7:09:10 PM   
angelickitten


Posts: 2
Joined: 5/6/2006
Status: offline 		Thankyou for that post Julia. This girl has experienced that before and agrees with all that you have said. It is such a painful form of 'punishment' that it does border on abuse when a slave is left with no indication of how long, or even in some cases of what it is that they have done wrong. This girl has never had an online relationship since that one where she was constantly in fear of being abandoned, it has even crossed over into her real life relationships as with one of her previous Masters girl was always pushing Him, testing Him to see how far she could push before He too left her.
Abandonment as punishment is the worst thing possible, because of the attachment a slave has for their Master or Mistress. This girl always makes it known in the early stages of consideration by a Master or Mistress her feelings on the issue as it really is an important one. This girl never wants to have to go through that sort of pain and fear again.
Please be well and take care A/all.
kitten xxx 

(in reply to reticence)
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RE: Serial Abandonment As Abuse - 5/26/2006 7:09:29 PM   
wytchywoman


Posts: 510
Joined: 2/27/2006
From: Southeastern Michigan
Status: offline 		Thank you from me as well. So very few dominants seem to understand that this kind of behavior on their part does not lead to a better relationship.

So many seem to think that cruelly "abandoning" a sub is just punishment. If they really want trust then they just insured that it was destroyed by abandoning a sub/slave who was already in pain.


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Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind.
Ralph Waldo Emerson


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RE: Serial Abandonment As Abuse - 5/26/2006 7:12:47 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		Julia,

Did he treat you that way because he didn't know how else to extract the behavior he wanted from you? I guess what I'm asking is 'why' someone would do this.. the post on the other thread, the submissive had disrespected her dominant not once, but twice.. and I took the away time as something the dominant needed to assess if she wanted to keep that submissive in consideration of a collar.. but from what I'm reading from you.. this may be something that is used not to assess the relationship.. but to hurt a submissive by withdrawing from them altogether.. as in teach a lesson perhaps because a dominant doesn't have the tools to do anything else? That just seems.. I don't know.. wrong somehow. IMO, that's not how you build relationships.. it's how you tear them apart.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Serial Abandonment As Abuse - 5/26/2006 7:15:36 PM   
Sensualips


Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		I hesitate to label this as abuse, but it is certainly not a healthy way to deal with issues.  It is done in non D/s relationships as well.


(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Serial Abandonment As Abuse - 5/26/2006 7:32:53 PM   
sublizzie


Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline 		When I first started exploring I did the majority of it on-line trying to just get my toes wet. I wasn't prepared for how very submissive I would feel when I finally let them out and how easily exploited I would be. And I was. Even when I started venturing into real-time, thinking it would be better, I managed to find "Doms" (I'm not sure they really were, in truth) who used abandonment as a way to make me cave in and do whatever they wanted. It was when one was discussing me doing something that was a VERY hard limit and threatening not to talk with me until I agreed to it, that I decided that no Dom was worth this kind of abuse and broke it off.

I'm much more careful nowadays. When my lifestyle community friends hear my stories they are appalled at the things I went through. Abandonment was just one of many hurtful things that happened to me. Newbies need mentors or protectors or someone who will help them realize that there are wackos out there who prey on newbies who are discovering what this is all about. It's an entirely new culture that has different rules and languages. Someone who is new can easily be led into something that is not healthy thinking that it's just part of the new lifestyle they are embarking on. When I first started I truly believed that every Dom out there was honest and had high integrity. I trusted easily and submitted fully because I believed in the concept without realizing how many abusers lurk under the guise of "Dom".

Thank you for this thread. I think it's badly needed.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Serial Abandonment As Abuse - 5/26/2006 7:33:59 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		celeste,

He was attracted to me because of what he perceived as strength and intellect (I am not saying that, I am stating his opinion). Perhaps he thought that was the only way to handle it?It was always because he demanded something of me I felt I had not relinguished control over because we were long distance. He would demand and i would attempt to negotiate out of what I did not want to do, and then he would use his presense (phone calls, emails, instant messenger) to bully me into doing as he ordered. The last time he did this I refused to quit drinking coffee, and he told me if I could not see him until I complied. I still would not quit, and he dumped me. I think he thought I would comply, I never did. I got tired of it. and I think you are right, it tore us asunder for a fact. I loved him, but I know it was unhealthy for both of us.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 5/26/2006 7:34:46 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to BitaTruble)
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RE: Serial Abandonment As Abuse - 5/26/2006 7:36:20 PM   
SweetSubTrisha


Posts: 13
Joined: 8/30/2004
Status: offline 		This is my first post, also.  I am  a lurker to the core.  This issue however, brought so many deep feelings to the surface for me.  I also tell new Doms that i just simply can not deal with that hated 'silent treatment'.  Unfortunately, even though a Dom may say he will always tell you when you've done something wrong, which mine did, he sometimes chooses to simply leave a submissive hanging.  Be it because he simply doesn't want to deal with an issue he doesn't like or for the simple reason of punishment.  There are so many other ways a Dom can punish..in my opinion,  to leave a submissive in limbo, makes her question everything... about herself.. because she did something wrong, and the relationship itself.   How can she trust someone to 'hide' when there is a difficult issue between them? 
Trust is so hard to establish.  Why choose a way of discipline, something that totally undermines that trust?
~trisha

(in reply to Sensualips)
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RE: Serial Abandonment As Abuse - 5/26/2006 7:52:18 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		Let me ask a question here.. because I am curious. I know that when I fuck up (rare, but true!) Himself and I will discuss the issue, and if he thinks there is a lesson to be learned, he will apply an appropriate punishment so that I learn the lesson.. not remember the punishment .. the exact opposite approach of my first Master. After discussion, what sort of punishment do you feel is appropriate so the lesson is learned without the relationship being destroyed? Say it's something like.. being disrespectful (which is a bit hard for me to wrap my head around, but it's what was on the other thread so I going to use that one).. what can be done to teach someone not to behave in such a manner?

To answer from a Top perspective..  I simply won't deal with someone who is disrespectful, so I guess I wouldn't really punish someone per se.. I just wouldn't want to be around them anymore and I'd tell them so and why. I guess I just don't want to waste my time that way when there are plenty of people who don't behave that way and don't create drama.

Just curious.. and please, if anyone wants to discuss other forms of misbehavior and what someone deems appropriate action to stop that sort of behavior would all be welcome discussion. (and if this is stealing the thread, I apologize, I'll be happy to start a new one.. sorry Julia!)

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to SweetSubTrisha)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Serial Abandonment As Abuse - 5/26/2006 7:54:34 PM   
PlayfulOne


Posts: 1047
Status: offline 		Julia,
Your post was well written and I clearly understand your feelings and thoughts.  I will do the best I can to write a view for you from the other side. 

Early in our relationship we spent an evening playing with breast bondage and I took some pics of our adventure.  The next day I was looking on her computer for the pics and for the life of me could not find them.  Here is the basic run down of the conversation.

                Me:  Where are the pictures we took last night?  I know thats not all of them.
                Her:  I deleted them
                Me:  You deleted my pictures?
                Her:  Yes, I didn't like the way I looked in some of them.
                Me:  You just deleted my pictures?
                Her:  I thought I didn't look very good in some of them.
                Me:  You deleted our record of the first time we did this?
                Her:  Yes, I just
At that moment the light bulb went off with her that there was something else going on here besides just the pictures.   The discussion following dealt with me being upset that she had just on her own taken away our record of that first time.  At that point I told her she really needed to think about what we were doing.  Was she just going to continue to do whatever she wished?  Were we just playing kinky bedroom games or were we starting into  D/s style relationship.  I told her I was going home, that she needed to figure out exactly what it was that she wanted.  I gave her a week.  She was told not to call me, not to email me, not to message me, just take her time to sort things out and leave me be.  Truthfully at that moment I had no intention of it actually being a week, but she had no way of knowing.  She then asked me if she was still responsible for doing her corner time and writing her journal, things I hadn't even thought about, so I replied yes.  I then left.  She was on line later that night, upset, tyring to think and ran into her mentor..  This time she got another little jolt when she relayed the evenings events to him looking for sympathy and received a response of, "suck it up".

Later that night her journal was in my email.  It was a rather loing, very heartfelt entry.  She never asked to see me,  she never complained, she just poured out her soul.  The basis was she had always been a very good bedroom submissive, even with her mentor, but had never actually given up control and was still thinking in terms of her instead of us, not stopping to think what my wishes and thoughts were on the subject.  She had come to the conclusion during this that she wanted  more than anything to be mine and was rather afraid because she had never been this far before and has the feeling that she had basically been faking it. 

The next morning I showed up on her doorstep and we spent time then and that evening discussing where we wanted to go and how we truly felt.  That was 6 months agon and we have been pretty inseperable during that time.

I don't feel she was abandoned.  She knew exactly what was going on, why, and how long.  It also went a lot deeper than just being punished over the pictures.  I felt we needed the space and time to sort the relationship out.  She will tell you its one of the best things that ever happened because it forced her to clear her head and actually face her feelings.  She knew before then that this was different from any relationship she had ever been in.  It was everything she had ever wanted.

K


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RE: Serial Abandonment As Abuse - 5/26/2006 8:02:30 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		That scenario is nothing like what I am talking about in the OP. You stated how long it would be, you responded to her. She was not cut off completely, and you did not even make her wait the full week she was to "think". What I am talking about is emotional blackmail. I even stated that getting time away from a submissive to think is not abuse in the first and last part of the OP,.... what I am talking about is using it to manipulate a sub

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to PlayfulOne)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Serial Abandonment As Abuse - 5/26/2006 9:53:25 PM   
cynthiamarie


Posts: 205
Joined: 3/11/2005
From: Bluefield, WV, USA
Status: offline 		I spent so many years in vanilla being toyed with in this way, kept in limbo, waiting days and even weeks by the phone, afraid to go out with friends because that might be the night he phoned.
 
It sure works for a while, keeping the desperation and need and agony at such a fever pitch that we will tolerate anything and everything as long as we can see them again.  After almost two years of this, when he finally started asking me to marry him, I had to say no.  I imagined my whole life stretched before me with a man who didn't seem to need me or even want me around...I couldn't live on starvation rations of love for the rest of my life.  Leaving was the hardest thing I ever did...and you know what?  Four months later he was married to someone else and she was pregnant.  That said it all to me.
 
As a new sub over a year ago, I experienced sort of the same thing with a Dom, serial abandonment but not as a punishment.  I can't be sure if I fell into the group of fem subs he mentioned, ones he said he only flirted with to add spice to their lives, and that he didn't feel for them in that way.  When a Dominant attaches a sub, even if he won't acknowledge himself as her Dom because he hasn't collared her, if he is ACTING like her Dom then he has to take some responsibility.  Bonding intensely with someone and then practically being ignored for days or weeks at a time is very hard to deal with.  And I did nothing wrong at all.  He demanded my loyalty and I gave all of it without conditions. 
 
The feeling of serial abandonment made me stop exploring my subbie side, and put it behind me.  Thank God I'm a switch, or I'd have simply walked away from D/s completely.  <If I ever hear a Dom tell me that if only he were on his feet again he'd collar me so fast I'd be scared...I'll kick him so hard in the nads that he chokes on them...smiles sweetly.> 
 
My mentor told me that withdrawing one's Dominance from a sub is one of the harshest punishments there is.  If I wanted to keep someone in my life, I'd never use this as a punishment.
 
I did something like what PlayfulOne did, one time, to a sub I had under consideration.  After two days, I knew everything I needed to know...if he chose to revel in his defiance instead of obeying me and keeping his word, I didn't want him.  I didn't know until that time that he was actually alcoholic, and flatly refused to go to AA again.  5 more months and he would have been inside my home and around my son...thank goodness online chat and phone calls and collars of consideration slow things down, and can force people to get to know each other better before a permanent collar goes in place.  He retaliated with trying to blackmail me in the lobby, attacking my friends verbally, and trying every passive aggressive trick in the book to force me to take responsibility for him once again.  I blocked him after saying no, and tried to repair the damage he did.
 
Everyone else I talk with or help or mentor...I'm always there for them, and they are welcome to outgrow me and wander off at their own speed.  I will be blessed if I find the right one who stays.
 
With the Dom friend I mentioned earlier in my post, I have threatened (yes, I'm afraid it has been more than once, so counts as serial) abandonment if my hard limits of "friendship only" were breached.  I explained why in detail several times before putting him on block for a month or so, and another iggy/block is coming on any day now.  But he is not my sub, not my Dom, is disrespecting me, and because I need to in selfdefense.  He's told me that he won't let me bail as a friend, but I believe it's only because I have cancer and it's an honor thing to keep tabs on me. 
 
It's not necessary; I want people who genuinely care about me in my life, not people who insist I take some horrible emotional rollercoaster ride as a price of their friendship. <With no emotional aftercare.>  I am not games playing, just...creating distance. 
 
That's why I agree why this should never be used as a punishment; it creates distance and puts up barriers to trust, whether as the abandoner or abandonee.  How can one trust someone they have to keep pushing away, and/or threatening with abandonment through ultimatums?  I never should have had to do this even the first time; limits should be listened to and respected. 

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Serial Abandonment As Abuse - 5/27/2006 2:34:41 AM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline 		People use and abuse people on the internet, that is a fact.

I'm sure many people don't regard the people they are supposed to be having a relationship with as real people when it comes to the crunch and real sacrifices have to be made for the sake of the relationship. It is just so much easier to dump someone on the net because people think they don't have to deal with the aftermath of a relationship, they can just turn off the computer. That is as much the problem of the people who have been dumped on for allowing such behaviour.

It's the only reason I can think of why people are so cavalier and ready to treat people like a piece of dog crap stuck to the sole of their shoe. I'm sure most of these people wouldn't treat someone the same way if they had to look the person in the eye. There is a large element of moral cowardice involved which really makes me laugh at this idea of online doms.

One phrase that winds me up that seems to be often used on the internet 'deal with it', which really means fuck off. Well if people did deal with it in a way that said 'fuck off' back. There would be a little more thought before someone treats someone else in a dispicable manner.

People stop biting when they get bit back.

< Message edited by meatcleaver -- 5/27/2006 2:41:54 AM >

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Serial Abandonment As Abuse - 5/27/2006 2:49:18 AM   
Calandra


Posts: 725
Joined: 11/22/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble
Julia,

Did he treat you that way because he didn't know how else to extract the behavior he wanted from you? I guess what I'm asking is 'why' someone would do this.. the post on the other thread, the submissive had disrespected her dominant not once, but twice.. and I took the away time as something the dominant needed to assess if she wanted to keep that submissive in consideration of a collar.. but from what I'm reading from you.. this may be something that is used not to assess the relationship.. but to hurt a submissive by withdrawing from them altogether.. as in teach a lesson perhaps because a dominant doesn't have the tools to do anything else? That just seems.. I don't know.. wrong somehow. IMO, that's not how you build relationships.. it's how you tear them apart.

Celeste


I've been carthing up on this thread and I need to speak out one a couple of points... How does one define abandonment exactly???  Is it abandonment when my sub verbally disrespects me in my home, and in return I send him to his room until I can address the issue calmly? Is it abandonment when he has failed to perform an important task I asked of him, and I tell him I do not want contact until it is completed? Is it abandonment when I send him to the guest room for two nights because I do not feel I could sleep comfortably beside him until he can truly understand how he has hurt our relationship?
 
I'm not being sarcastic here... I'm genuinely asking what perameters makes it "abandonment" rather than the removal of my presence until emotional control is restored, or the issue has been pondered, or it is a specified sentence due to something he knows he did wrong and needs to feel the separation for a time in order to not take it for granted anymore?
 
I realize that many sub/slaves are manipulated every day until their self esteem is whittled away to nothing, and they desperately need to cling to the one who is causing the damage... it's called co-dependence. But how do you submissives define what is abusive in this matter, and what is unpleasant, but productive in aiding an errant sub to mend their ways?

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Serial Abandonment As Abuse - 5/27/2006 2:57:06 AM   
Kedikat


Posts: 680
Joined: 4/20/2006
Status: offline 		The fact that a majority of the relationship was online, puts a major skew on it. I have avoided any level of intensity online for various reasons, but this instance is a good reason.
Isolating it from the particular things in your past that affected it greatly. The Dom on the other end of the online has few resources of real punishment other than denial of contact. Remote concepts of punishment could be concieved, but the reality cannot be assured. Denial of contact is the most assured.
In your particular instance, this option had unintended depth. In a way, your past punished you beyond what the Dom intended. ( if he was unaware ).
It hurt of course. But you also have to realize and somewhat isolate what your past added onto the Doms present. The now does not include the past. The past is yours and those that were in it. The present, and all who are a part of your present are not responsible for the past. Do not make them a part of it. Especially if the past has negative feelings, do not infect those in your present with it, their actions with echoes of it. Don't make the people in your present, innocent bystanders of the past.
Learn from the past. Don't carry it as a burden on you. Don't ever put that burden on others. Niether they or you can change the past. They are not the perpatraitors or the saiviours of your past.
Oh boy I am rambling. It is a bit of a sore spot for me. Others casting the past wrongs of others onto a future that might be for us.

(in reply to meatcleaver)
Profile   Post #: 20
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