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RE: A submissive man needs to be under foot - 11/20/2011 8:02:46 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline 		Just for clarity here Banana......

Talking looks quite a bit like this: 

"Believe me when I say that I am listening. ........I'm not looking for a mistress to play footsie with, although I realize how it must have looked. I can see that with all the anger coming out in all of the posts. My wife is very messed up mentally, which makes leaving being that much of a bigger decision. The truth is, I don't know how much more I can take but am really afraid that she will try to hurt herself if I did. She did try when we almost divorced two years ago and was hospitalized for a time after. Since then, things really haven't gotten any better and I feel that I may lose it myself at times."

Listening looks quite a bit more like this:

< Message edited by LookieNoNookie -- 11/20/2011 8:03:12 PM >

(in reply to BananaNutz)
Profile   Post #: 81
RE: A submissive man needs to be under foot - 11/20/2011 8:22:50 PM   
BeanTwiceOver


Posts: 12
Joined: 7/25/2011
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BananaNutz

I'm not looking for a mistress to play footsie with, although I realize how it must have looked. I can see that with all the anger coming out in all of the posts. My wife is very messed up mentally, which makes leaving being that much of a bigger decision. The truth is, I don't know how much more I can take but am really afraid that she will try to hurt herself if I did. She did try when we almost divorced two years ago and was hospitalized for a time after. Since then, things really haven't gotten any better and I feel that I may lose it myself at times.




I have been in a situation before dating someone who was very self-destructive (if not suicidal). I ended up having to leave him for my own sake, because continuing the relationship was putting me in a suicidal mindframe. If that is the sort of situation you are in, I can only tell you to get her some help and make sure there is a support network of people there for her in your absence...and then get out.

(in reply to BananaNutz)
Profile   Post #: 82
RE: A submissive man needs to be under foot - 11/20/2011 8:27:06 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BananaNutz
You people are so quick to judge when you don't know the whole story.

People do seem quick to judge, but that's because there's so much of the married cheaters on the internet. And it doesn't have to be outright PIV sex to be cheating either.
quote:

ORIGINAL: BananaNutz
I didn't come here to hookup with anyone. You all have no idea.

Then tell us, please, what it IS that you're here for.
quote:

ORIGINAL: BananaNutz
My wife is very messed up mentally, which makes leaving being that much of a bigger decision. The truth is, I don't know how much more I can take but am really afraid that she will try to hurt herself if I did. She did try when we almost divorced two years ago and was hospitalized for a time after. Since then, things really haven't gotten any better and I feel that I may lose it myself at times.

Well, how do you think she'd feel if she found you at the feet of another woman? That could very well do it too. I can understand not wanting to divorce her if that might make her hurt herself. What I can't understand is you still being married, (1)lying to your wife and (2)expecting a Domme to play second fiddle to your legal wife and pick up sloppy seconds. (3)If a man was lying to his wife, I could not trust him to not be lying to me too. (4)Plus, I've been the wife before and know how suck-ass it feels to be cheated on. Those are the reasons I think this whole thing sucks.

NBMG

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(in reply to BananaNutz)
Profile   Post #: 83
RE: A submissive man needs to be under foot - 11/20/2011 11:31:29 PM   
smartsub10


Posts: 865
Joined: 4/23/2010
Status: offline 		OK, you haven't done anything.  Yet.  It's not easy finding a partner and it just hasn't happened for you.  But, you're here because you want to find someone.

My heart goes out to you and your wife.  Mental illness affects not only the patient but those around them.  If you love your wife and don't want her to hurt herself in the wake of a divorce then get off this and any other site you may have joined with the intent to find another woman.  If you don't want to be responsible for your wife's actions then get divorced and find what you need.  As another poster said - shit happens in life - adults deal with it in a mature fashion.  That means not sneaking around with another woman and telling yourself that you are protecting your very ill wife. 

I wish you well and hope you can resolve your painful dilemma.


_____________________________

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~ Judge Judith Scheindlin
____________________________________________

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(in reply to BananaNutz)
Profile   Post #: 84
RE: A submissive man needs to be under foot - 11/21/2011 6:28:46 AM   
risktaker9


Posts: 197
Joined: 3/10/2010
Status: offline 		It occurred to me, if your wife would hurt herself OP over a divorce, what would she do if she knew you were here and read what you have about wanting to be at the foot of a Dominant woman? I don't think that would appeal to her much either.

Smartsub had a good suggestion about getting off of here and any other site and getting your life in order - then moving on. It's always hard to see the forest for the trees when you're enmeshed in a situation that feels hopeless, there just doesn't seem to be a solution. There is one, I guarantee it, it might not be the perfect solution but there is one out there to work towards.

Have you considered counseling for yourself? You mentioned going for the marriage, perhaps seeing a professional would help you get your thoughts in order so that you feel like you have a plan and are working toward it. None of us do well when we think we're trapped, find out where your exits are and decide on which one will work the best. It's hard work getting there...good luck.

(in reply to smartsub10)
Profile   Post #: 85
RE: A submissive man needs to be under foot - 11/21/2011 6:50:20 AM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline 		I have a friend in a similar situation. He's now in his early 50's and not had sex with his wife for 12 years. She's mentally unstable, refuses to work on the marriage, just wants things to go her way while she nags incessantly, and won't screw him to boot. I'd have probably committed suicide years ago. He has stayed because he knows he was at fault for marrying her- some things were apparent back then and he didn't pay attention to them. He carried through with the marriage thinking that other good things would balance things out. He made a mistake as he knows now, we do that sometimes, and he's been paying for it.

He has also stayed for his kids. Right or wrong, because I don't think a toxic marriage is good for 'the kids', he's stayed to raise them. Now he's got health issues himself and the prognosis isn't good. At this point he regrets staying and feels he missed out on a lot of happiness and personal contentment in order to fulfill his duties. In spite of his health issues he's decided to work at getting out. The wife has some physical illness issues as well and my friend is waiting for those to abate and then he's leaving. That's what he says anyway.

So here's a guy stuck in a situation he made, he did what he thought he should and in the end is pissed he gave it as much as he did. He wishes he'd left years ago. He's taken control of his life and is working towards a solution now and should be leaving. She won't be happy, but his kids will understand and he'll have peace. He'll be free to follow where his heart leads him at that point with a clear conscience.

OP, what can you do? Take your regrets and frustration and use them as fuel to get a plan together. Your wife isn't going to change probably (although that should be fully explored). What will you do to NOT be facing a limited years left of your life, and trapped in a crappy situation? We don't do our best thinking when we feel overwhelmed, try to put that aside and see what your options are.  

(in reply to BananaNutz)
Profile   Post #: 86
RE: A submissive man needs to be under foot - 11/21/2011 8:14:15 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I have a friend in a similar situation. He's now in his early 50's and not had sex with his wife for 12 years. She's mentally unstable, refuses to work on the marriage, just wants things to go her way while she nags incessantly, and won't screw him to boot.


Do you know the wife as well?

(in reply to Killerangel)
Profile   Post #: 87
RE: A submissive man needs to be under foot - 11/21/2011 8:45:28 AM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

I have a friend in a similar situation. He's now in his early 50's and not had sex with his wife for 12 years. She's mentally unstable, refuses to work on the marriage, just wants things to go her way while she nags incessantly, and won't screw him to boot.


Do you know the wife as well?


Yes.
It's not a situation where he's trying to get into my pants and telling one side of the story. We are truly just friends- known each other through work for quite a while. For his sake I've tried to accept his wife and join in with them as a group, but my own feelings about her are much stronger than his, I can't stand her even though I really did try. She definitely is mentally ill and she's a shrew of biblical proportions to boot. I have no idea how he's made it this far.

One of those things where you say "Glad it's not me" and walk away in a hurry. I see him at work and enjoy his company and am thankful it's not my life we're talking about. He really doesn't trash her at all, he's just very matter of fact about things which I think is commendable. I'd have never been able to sit through any conversation at all with someone playing blame games or whining- got no patience for that.

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 88
RE: A submissive man needs to be under foot - 11/21/2011 6:46:03 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline 		(I'm so glad to see a different approach. The guy COULD be a piece of shit....but he might not be....AND....he {appears} to be listening).

(in reply to Killerangel)
Profile   Post #: 89
RE: A submissive man needs to be under foot - 11/21/2011 7:47:04 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		I dunno Lookie, I've seen plenty of these threads where the OP gets a hard time if there's BS being given. If they stick around and take a chance on having a conversation, there are some really decent people here that usually will say something helpful, supportive, or profound. It's what keeps me coming back quite honestly. I think it's really up to the OP's how they get treated. If the replies are snarky it usually seems to me that it's deserved. YMMV.

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)
Profile   Post #: 90
RE: A submissive man needs to be under foot - 11/21/2011 10:16:28 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

I dunno Lookie, I've seen plenty of these threads where the OP gets a hard time if there's BS being given. If they stick around and take a chance on having a conversation, there are some really decent people here that usually will say something helpful, supportive, or profound. It's what keeps me coming back quite honestly. I think it's really up to the OP's how they get treated. If the replies are snarky it usually seems to me that it's deserved. YMMV.



Well...it certainly didn't appear to be that way in the beginning....but it did move in that direction eventually.

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 91
RE: A submissive man needs to be under foot - 11/22/2011 1:27:22 AM   
OohAahMrs


Posts: 7723
Joined: 7/14/2010
Status: offline 		Welcome ban, can i express the opposite of a sharp intake of breath!

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You may choc the choc.........Oh forget it......

(in reply to BananaNutz)
Profile   Post #: 92
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