Collarchat.com

Join Our Community		 Collarchat.com

Home  Login  Search 

What are "normal" fear


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> What are "normal" fear Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
What are "normal" fear - 1/16/2012 3:12:41 AM   
Zechriel


Posts: 308
Joined: 11/19/2007
Status: offline 		Good morning!

I wanted to know if it is normal for me to have such intense fears about trying new sexual things. For 4 years I was a domestic slave what was also beaten quite regularly. Oftne twice a week. I got released b/c I became sick and found a new Dom who wants me as his sex slave. He's a great Dom, wonderful in bed, but here's the rub...b/c I have been celibate with both D/s & vanilla life for about 5 years, alot of sexual things scare me...things that are quite normal to him like anal play, dilation, etc.

I confessed to him about being bi once in my life (about 18 yrs ago) and he wants me to explore that. OK but I fear it also. I want to do so much with him sexually but I fear it also. Basically I am a brand new, virgin sex slave and sometimes it terrifies me to where I almost want to bolt-which turns into fyling off the handle-as he calls it or my definition "ranting in fear". Either way he consides it drama and hates it immensely.

Should I trust him that the pace is being set okay? Many times I feel as if it goes too fast-which leaves me trembling. He seems to see this huge potential in me sexually that I do not. I WANT it but it scares me so. Are my fears about sex normal? Alot of times I feel that he is used to women falling right into line..and that I do not measure up-which leaves me feeling even MORE confused. For me, it has always been fantasies are one thing-reality another but he is giivng me the chance to merge them and it terrifies me so.Is there another way to get my head around and "right" so that we can explore new things(for me) besides-"It 's all about me", "Ask yourself if this is pirmarily for MY pleasure and there you find your answer?" Those lines/technique may work for his other slaves but it leaves me questioning MORE instead of shutting up my mind.

I had another fear rant this weekend-overall it was a bad weekend in MY life vanilla wise. The second so far to which I was warned after the first time not to. I tried to fix it-to explain but he consdiered it making the situation worse. I expect the punsihment of my life Tuesday-extreme pain, humiliation, ignoring me...probably all of the above, IF he will even let me come over...it's still up in the air. It won't kill me but I am afraid it will leave me in a bad place mentally. I haven't slept but maybe 8 hours for the past 3 days and barely eaten, the fear and disappointment is so bad.

Okay enough questions. If it makes any matter, we have only been together for a month and been talking for about 7 weeks. Yeah, it 's gone way fast ..at least IMO. I wish I could slow it down but it seems that the pace is set by the Master in a sex slave situation.

With love,
Zechriel

_____________________________

Sir HighlanderME's little z
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: What are "normal" fear - 1/16/2012 3:38:36 AM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		Your fear does seem disproportionate to the situation, but if he's pushing you to go too fast, and you're not comfortable with it, you do have a safe-word. "No. I'm not ready, this is not going to happen yet." You are obviously a grown woman, and there is nothing magical about a d/s relationship, that takes away your voice or your right to say no.
He may be wonderful, but if he can't pick up your (very obvious) cues, he's probably not for you. 

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to Zechriel)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: What are "normal" fear - 1/16/2012 4:09:26 AM   
Lucylastic


Posts: 40310
Status: offline 		Personally I would walk and never look back, but Im not you, nor do I expect you to be like me.
While you say you are a sex slave, this is very new, and if you werent worried, or excited or scared of what happens next, I would be worried for you.
I just could not give my trust to that kind of relationship in such a short space of time.
As a dominant, pushing boundaries is part of the job description and fun, BUT.... I wouldnt push anyone THAT fast. not without listening, understanding, and trying to prove my worth as a responsible caring dominant, not scaring the crap out of a slave just cos my libido says I MUST DOMINATE AND BEND HER TO MY WILL.
Just my two cents, I wish you luck and good decisions:)


_____________________________

(•_•)
<) )╯SUCH
/ \

\(•_•)
( (> A NASTY
/ \

(•_•)
<) )> WOMAN
/ \

Duchess Of Dissent
Dont Hate Love

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: What are "normal" fear - 1/16/2012 4:19:27 AM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		Right. Add to that the fact that he seems to be annoyed with her for her reactions, rather than being empathetic and, I'm just not feeling the love. (and *he* wouldn't be feeling *me*)

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to Lucylastic)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: What are "normal" fear - 1/16/2012 4:37:57 AM   
Lucylastic


Posts: 40310
Status: offline 		nods Blushes
Fear/excitement, nervousness, NRE, lust, passion and hot pain/ is all wonderfully exciting and horny and passionate, needing the pain/humiliation, fear and uncertainty is normal, but being unhappy is NOT a good sign.



_____________________________

(•_•)
<) )╯SUCH
/ \

\(•_•)
( (> A NASTY
/ \

(•_•)
<) )> WOMAN
/ \

Duchess Of Dissent
Dont Hate Love

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: What are "normal" fear - 1/16/2012 6:11:10 AM   
Fornica


Posts: 2986
Status: offline 		I agree completely with the wise Ladies above me.


_____________________________

There is no spoon.


(in reply to Lucylastic)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: What are "normal" fear - 1/16/2012 6:37:02 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Zechriel, I'm usually not this blunt.  But break off the relationship NOW, and don't look back.

1. When I read your profile, I see a little girl type of submissive.  One who needs to please, and needs to hear "good girl".  One who desperately needs a place where she can feel safe and loved.  He wants kinky sex.  You're on two different paths.
2. You're correct.  A Master sets the pace.  He is doing so with no regard whatsoever for your emotional state.  You have clearly communicated to him that you are scared and that you feel he's moving too fast.  His response is to punish you for, essentially, safewording.  He is moving too fast. 
3. The fact that he's moving so fast makes me wonder why.  If he expects a five year relationship, an extra month or two won't make much difference.  If he's used to having his relationships blow apart quickly, he's pushing fast right now.  Whatever the reason, a good Dom does not break his toys, and he's breaking you now.
4. He sounds abusive.  Punishing for having fears and legitimate issues is abusive.  Not listening to a sub is abusive.  Not caring about a sub's well being is abusive.
5. He's making a mess.  After the breakup, likely within the next two months, you'll be afraid to trust men again, and emotionally ripped up inside.  Not his problem.
6. I've dealt with the same situation a few times, with a sub who was scared/insecure in herself sexually due to past experiences.  It's simple to deal with that - just move slowly, give her lots of positive feedback, and be alert to signs I'm moving too fast, and stop for the moment.  Once the message is communicated that I am confident we'll get where I want to go, and the pace isn't a major concern, then she relaxes and trusts me.  Not only isn't your Dom doing that, but he doesn't intend to.  He either has no clue what he's doing or else cares so little about you that he doesn't care if you're living in terror or not.

Dump the guy.  You can do much better.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Lucylastic)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: What are "normal" fear - 1/16/2012 6:44:42 AM   
Lucylastic


Posts: 40310
Status: offline 		Have I told you lately Steven just how damn awesome you are?

_____________________________

(•_•)
<) )╯SUCH
/ \

\(•_•)
( (> A NASTY
/ \

(•_•)
<) )> WOMAN
/ \

Duchess Of Dissent
Dont Hate Love

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: What are "normal" fear - 1/16/2012 6:46:29 AM   
Duskypearls


Posts: 3561
Joined: 8/21/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Zechriel, I'm usually not this blunt.  But break off the relationship NOW, and don't look back.

1. When I read your profile, I see a little girl type of submissive.  One who needs to please, and needs to hear "good girl".  One who desperately needs a place where she can feel safe and loved.  He wants kinky sex.  You're on two different paths.
2. You're correct.  A Master sets the pace.  He is doing so with no regard whatsoever for your emotional state.  You have clearly communicated to him that you are scared and that you feel he's moving too fast.  His response is to punish you for, essentially, safewording.  He is moving too fast. 
3. The fact that he's moving so fast makes me wonder why.  If he expects a five year relationship, an extra month or two won't make much difference.  If he's used to having his relationships blow apart quickly, he's pushing fast right now.  Whatever the reason, a good Dom does not break his toys, and he's breaking you now.
4. He sounds abusive.  Punishing for having fears and legitimate issues is abusive.  Not listening to a sub is abusive.  Not caring about a sub's well being is abusive.
5. He's making a mess.  After the breakup, likely within the next two months, you'll be afraid to trust men again, and emotionally ripped up inside.  Not his problem.
6. I've dealt with the same situation a few times, with a sub who was scared/insecure in herself sexually due to past experiences.  It's simple to deal with that - just move slowly, give her lots of positive feedback, and be alert to signs I'm moving too fast, and stop for the moment.  Once the message is communicated that I am confident we'll get where I want to go, and the pace isn't a major concern, then she relaxes and trusts me.  Not only isn't your Dom doing that, but he doesn't intend to.  He either has no clue what he's doing or else cares so little about you that he doesn't care if you're living in terror or not.

Dump the guy.  You can do much better.



^^^^^^^
What he said, times one hundred thousand million gazillion!

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: What are "normal" fear - 1/16/2012 7:14:02 AM   
BootyBoy


Posts: 108
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline 		First, I'd say that what is normal is not particularly relevant here. Do you know how "normal" is derived? It's just an average or median of count of a wide field or reactions across the spectrum. The norm is how most people react, but often with large minorities who react quite differently. the norm is used to find a middle line for large groups,of people, but it's meaningless on an individual level where specifics come in.

If I hurt my leg, I don't need to know how fast the majority of people can run the 100 meter dash. I only need to come to grips with how fast I can run it with an injured leg. If I try to be normal, in that case, I will only injure myself even worse than before. You have a unique situation, and you're the only one who can set you pace safely. I hope that makes sense to you.


(in reply to Duskypearls)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: What are "normal" fear - 1/16/2012 7:37:16 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14414
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

Your fear does seem disproportionate to the situation, but if he's pushing you to go too fast, and you're not comfortable with it, you do have a safe-word. "No. I'm not ready, this is not going to happen yet." You are obviously a grown woman, and there is nothing magical about a d/s relationship, that takes away your voice or your right to say no.
He may be wonderful, but if he can't pick up your (very obvious) cues, he's probably not for you. 



^^^^ This....

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: What are "normal" fear - 1/16/2012 8:04:16 AM   
ownedbyPF


Posts: 126
Joined: 2/18/2010
Status: offline 		Master says that properly training a slave is like geology...all it takes is the right pressure and time....if either one of them is wrong, you don't get a diamond, you just get a lump of poorly formed rock. If he isn't properly applying pressure, or is rushing the process, he is ruining good material.....What a putz!

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: What are "normal" fear - 1/16/2012 8:11:04 AM   
fucktoyprincess


Posts: 2337
Status: offline 		While I think it is typical to feel a mixture of fear and excitement whenever embarking on something new, I also strongly believe in trusting your instincts. And something about the whole situation makes me think you need to call a time out and take the time to assess whether this is the right situation for you.

I do not think it is relevant how his other slaves "fell in line". So what. You are your own person and are entitled to your own path and speed on this journey. And if he is so impatient, and unable to put the brakes on a little bit for you, one has to wonder why? Why the impatience on his part?

You mention early on that he is wonderful in bed. Is this clouding your judgment. Because outside of that, the way he is treating you doesn't sound mature. Maybe it is taking you longer than others. Maybe you are more scared than others. Maybe it will take you longer to get to certain places. And maybe you won't ever feel ready to explore some of the things he wants. But you are you. And you are entitled to your limits and boundaries. And you are entitled to have someone in your life who respects you enough to not rush things unnecessarily. Any mature Dominant would understand the push-back you have given and change tactics and strategy. The journey is supposed to be enjoyable and fun. I really believe that. And if it's not, if it has turned drama-full, too fast-paced and almost terrifying, then this doesn't seem to me to be a worthwhile path to be going down.

But only you know yourself and him and what the true dynamic is. My heartfelt advice is to listen to your gut. I think our instincts are always communicating something important. You have to take the time to sort out your feelings and concerns. And anyone who is not patient enough to give you the time to do that is probably not the right match for you - even if he is wonderful in bed.

_____________________________

~ ftp

(in reply to BootyBoy)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: What are "normal" fear - 1/16/2012 10:01:39 AM   
DoesAsIAmTold


Posts: 24
Joined: 7/24/2011
Status: offline 		Trust and communication are extremely important. It doesn't sound like he is bothered about either. Rather than reassure you, he is pushing you into panic mode. Listen to your gut. There is a reason you have red flags screaming at you. He isn't interested in building a relationship. He just wants as much as he can get, as quickly as possible, before you see the light and walk away. As previously said "a good Dom doesn't break his toys" Doesn't sound like he cares if he breaks you. As long as he gets what he wants.



Oh and btw, it IS about YOU as well as him. Once he breaks you and moves onto the next door mat. He won't give you a second thought. You, by then will be a mess. YOU need to take care of YOU. Please listen to your gut



ETA: Just looked at your journal entries and came across this.

1/6/2012 3:13:24 AM [Report Entry]
It's amazing how your mindset can change. Example- for years I brushed over Sir's profile here but never contacting Him b/c His likes/loves were so extreme to me. I thought I could NEVER! But I took the time this past week to really sit down and ask myself to catagorize them into YES-NO-and Scared but curious only b/c He likes it. And suprisingly, alot of them turned from NO's into Scared but I would try..for Him...and only Him.



It felt good to see the progress inside me, inside my head. Already He has done so much with me that I had never done before that I can look back on that and then look ahead to those Scared's and maybe, just maybe at those NO's too.



I think you need to work out what you want from your relationship. It looks like you may be sending mixed signals.




< Message edited by DoesAsIAmTold -- 1/16/2012 10:45:10 AM >

(in reply to Zechriel)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: What are "normal" fear - 1/16/2012 12:40:10 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

For 4 years I was a domestic slave what was also beaten quite regularly.


I'm assuming you mean beaten in a bad way? Not consensually?

quote:

alot of sexual things scare me


quote:

sometimes it terrifies me to where I almost want to bolt-which turns into fyling off the handle-as he calls it or my definition "ranting in fear". Either way he consides it drama and hates it immensely.


quote:

Many times I feel as if it goes too fast-which leaves me trembling.


Listen to your body. He's going too fast for you.

It sounds like you were abused previously and are still traumatized. You need to find someone who will respect that.

It doesn't sound like this guy cares for your emotional well being, only his kinky fantasies, and if I were you I would break up with him and not submit to whatever punishment he has in mind.

ps - he's MARRIED?!? Ya, I'm thinking his kinky fantasies are his priority, not your well being. Off to therapy to you until you're able to be in a healthy relationship.


(in reply to Zechriel)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: What are "normal" fear - 1/16/2012 2:14:23 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Hello Zechriel,
It sounds as though you are trying to please this man by fitting the mold he wants you to fit at the expense of your peace of mind. He doesn't seem as though he is paying attention to you, he seems as though he's mainly concerned with having a 'sex slave'. I might suggest that if he is ignoring your wishes to go slower that is a bad sign. It doesn't really work well to force something....does it?

Whatever your fears are, whatever produced them, however they make you feel - that is a part of you and it is valid. You have a right to those feelings. Him trying to brush them aside because they don't fit his plan is very dehumanizing to you. It seems to me that he is more concerned with having you as a toy to play with than a woman.

I am not saying he's a bad person, I am saying the two of you don't seem to be a good fit if he cannot accommodate you as an individual. Quite honestly, I think you will regret tossing your caution to the wind and trying to fit his plan for you when it seems to be so deeply important to you. Along with other responders on this thread, I do wish you would reconsider this relationship. Perhaps speak to him about slowing down and see if he's listening to you and willing to pay attention, if not.....maybe it's time to let this go. You are just as important as he is, a relationship is between two people. Don't do things for him only to get somewhere that hurts you deeply in the end. This Dom wanted you, others will too, you won't have trouble finding someone else that suits you more closely.

(in reply to Zechriel)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: What are "normal" fear - 1/16/2012 2:20:27 PM   
renaissancedme


Posts: 5
Joined: 12/8/2011
Status: offline 		Bottom line: If he is DOMINANT then he will view your willingness and your fears, consider them, and help you overcome those which he NEEDS you to overcome or which he'd LIKE you to overcome and which you WANT to overcome.

If he can't do that, if he just wants what he wants and part of what he wants is not to train you to his desires, but, he just expects performance, then he is not a dominant male, he's just another idiot pretender.

Because, it doesn't matter shite all nothing what is "normal" to him. You are the one being trained and training is a process, not an immediate demand for the end result.

His being demanding and pushy is only going to make your fears worse. Find someone to train him to at least act like a Dom, is my suggestion.

(in reply to Zechriel)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: What are "normal" fear - 1/16/2012 2:27:33 PM   
renaissancedme


Posts: 5
Joined: 12/8/2011
Status: offline 		You know what? No. I just read more and don't even find someone to train him. He's an abusive, using jerk who has decided that BDSM is a good way for him to get the sex he wants without even having to be nice to a woman. Dump him, quick, hard, fast, change your locks and get a restraining order if needed, and don't look back. Chalk it up to experience and start really slow, the next time around.

That cold shoulder, might not even let you come over crap is just .. crap.

And a slave who is ranting in fear, assuming sanity, is a slave who has been badly mistreated and is in need of being apologized to for what their owner obviously did wrong, and then to be comforted, and then to be assured as the process begins at a slower pace that helps them learn.

He's such a creep! You're just a series of holes to him. That's not what BDSM is about. RUN!

(in reply to Zechriel)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: What are "normal" fear - 1/16/2012 5:41:47 PM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Zechriel

Okay enough questions. If it makes any matter, we have only been together for a month and been talking for about 7 weeks. Yeah, it 's gone way fast ..at least IMO. I wish I could slow it down but it seems that the pace is set by the Master in a sex slave situation.



The pace is NOT set SOLEY by the Master in a sex slave situation. You are still a human being with a voice.

If it is too fast for you, then it is YOUR responsibility to slow it down. If he doesn't like the pace that you allow, then too bad for him. Remember, you are responsible for yourself. If he isn't going to protect you physically, emotionally and spiritually (and it doesn't sound as if he has any intention of doing so) then you have to.

An explanation should never make things worse. Personally, I wouldn't go over tomorrow (Tuesday) and I would end it. He is using you, and not in the positive way.

(in reply to Zechriel)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: What are "normal" fear - 1/16/2012 6:31:09 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Yeah, I went back and reread your posting again OP. You are questioning this man and his approach....what more do you need as proof that it's not working for you? If he hates the drama that happens when he pushes  you too far and too fast, then why the hell is he doing it? A smart man would learn to pay attention to what is happening, and learn from it to create the best situation for his slave. The 'fear rants' as you call them...why are they necessary? Wouldn't it be nice for you to approach sexual matters from a comfortable place and feel fully supported by your partner? That they'd look to you to set the pace and guide you gently into new territory that previously scared you?

Here's a practical way to put it. If you were in the military and had a mission to accomplish, you'd make sure you packed the right equipment and supplies to take with that you'd need for the mission in order to be successful. You'd get any training you needed. You would put all the pieces in place and then go out on the mission and hopefully make it a success. How would it work if you just jumped off a plane into the mountains in a foreign country with no supplies, no equipment, and no training? What do you think the success rate of the unprepared mission would be? This guy is taking and throwing you into new territory and old, without doing anything to prepare, and he's not providing you with any support. The success of his mission is bound to fail. Punishing you for the failure of his fantasy while doing nothing to prepare for it is complete crap.

It doesn't matter if your fears are normal. They belong to you and are part of the landscape so they matter. They need to be taken into account.

So you are supposed to go over tomorrow to be punished for being scared. Fuck that. You say yourself that it may leave you in a bad place mentally, then why do it? He's not watching out for you, then you need to and you need to put a stop to this.

One last thing, you are under the impression that the Master sets the pace in a 'sex slave situation', no, he doesn't. You are responsible for yourself Zechriel, especially since he is showing himself to be unreliable. You are an adult, you set your own risk assessment, you are the caretaker for yourself in the end. I would highly suggest as some others have said, not going over there tomorrow and breaking this off for good unless he seems capable of better leadership.

(in reply to Zechriel)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> What are "normal" fear Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2024
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

1.523