Worried about getting in too deep?

Join Our Community

Collarchat.com

Home Login Search

Worried about getting in too deep?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Worried about getting in too deep?

Page: [1]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Worried about getting in too deep? - 2/5/2012 2:51:25 AM

Posts: 2
Joined: 10/13/2011
Status: offline

Hey everyone, I'm brand new to all of this and am thinking about exploring my sub side. One of the things holding me back though is the fear that I'll either get 'in too deep' with a dom or that I'll commit myself to something and then grow bored of it.

Has anyone had this worry/fear? Or has anyone gone through this with an actual dom?

Thanks for any advice/help :)

RE: Worried about getting in too deep? - 2/5/2012 5:04:41 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

Well, this stuff is just real life, if you get bored in real life with someone then you probably will in a D/s relationship. It's happened to me that I was with men that weren't suited to me in the end, and we moved on. Nothing mysterious, it's good at the time and then it's not. I've been with the guy I'm with now for 3 years and we aren't planning on parting but life is life.

BDSM isn't a crazy cult or anything, just approach it like you do the rest of your life and you'll do fine. Keep your head on straight, think things through, don't immediately do things guys ask for unless it's something you want, watch out for your safety, act like you're dating someone- same rules apply.

(in reply to yamyamyam87)

RE: Worried about getting in too deep? - 2/5/2012 8:51:10 AM

Posts: 122
Joined: 12/30/2011
Status: offline

quote:

BDSM isn't a crazy cult or anything, just approach it like you do the rest of your life and you'll do fine. Keep your head on straight, think things through, don't immediately do things guys ask for unless it's something you want, watch out for your safety, act like you're dating someone- same rules apply.

This. It isn't like you get involved with a dominant and are bonded for the rest of your life.

_____________________________

(in reply to lizi)

RE: Worried about getting in too deep? - 2/5/2012 9:11:42 AM

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

Anyone can get in too deep. The trick is, to understand where the being in too deep is.

It can be either cerebrally too deep or physically; or both.

It can be interesting to be involved with, just be careful and cognizant of who you are, who they are, what you want, what they want and don't lose yourself.

(in reply to sincelo)

RE: Worried about getting in too deep? - 2/5/2012 9:13:13 AM

fucktoyprincess

Posts: 2337
Status: offline

A D/s relationship is still just that. A relationship. And the usual relationship rules still apply. You start up with someone who you are attracted to and who has certain qualities you are looking for. If you get tired of each other, or something does not work out in the relationship otherwise, you break up and move on. I really don't see BDSM changing that basic equation.

With that said, depending on your specific interests in the BDSM world, you have to choose partners carefully, and be sure you understand what BDSM is about so that whatever relationship you do enter, that you understand the basic concepts around boundaries, limits, safe words, SSC (safe, sane, consensual) etc.

If you are new to this world, I highly recommend reading as much as possible beforehand so that you understand what aspects of BDSM you are interested in exploring, how to choose safe partners, and how to stay safe in a relationship. I think one can never learn too much beforehand. The more you read and understand, I think the less fearful you will be of exploring further (again, with the right person). Just remember, that this journey is also meant to be fun (something that I think gets lost too often). So if you are being safe, having fun, and trusting your instincts, then there is plenty to explore safely.

< Message edited by fucktoyprincess -- 2/5/2012 9:32:33 AM >

_____________________________

~ ftp

(in reply to sincelo)

RE: Worried about getting in too deep? - 2/5/2012 9:15:29 AM

leatherlaceglove

Posts: 13
Joined: 1/8/2012
Status: offline

yep...I agree totally with getting to know what it's all about before you find out for real what it's all about.

The safest might be the reading and such, but also? Find out where your local munches are at.....ask questions....listen to stories...these are real people....Hollywood glamorizes EVERYTHING......

Do your homework first so you can 'figure out' who you are and what you want.....ask questions, questions, questions......then you will start to 'get' the path you want to travel and explore.....

Figuratively speaking....you need to find your compass before you start the trip...

< Message edited by leatherlaceglove -- 2/5/2012 9:19:56 AM >

(in reply to fucktoyprincess)

RE: Worried about getting in too deep? - 2/5/2012 9:28:50 AM

Posts: 1518
Joined: 3/20/2008
From: Maryland
Status: offline

What she said ^^^^.

This stuff can seem scary at first, I totally get that. It was scary for me at first how much I wanted to submit, and I too was worried that I'd get in "too deep" and end up in some crazy shit and get abused or lose myself. But after a while of exploring this and meeting people in real life, I realized those fears were baseless.

First off, most people into D/s are decent regular people who care about their partners and will respect your boundaries and want you to enjoy what you do with them. Remember that.

Secondly, there's absolutely no need to commit yourself to a D/s relationship now - or ever, if you decide that's not what you want. How much you submit, and when and how are all entirely up to you.

The first year I was involved in this stuff, I found a couple of play partner friends and explored doing scenes with them, where I would only submit for the course of the scene and only to such-and-such an extent. Then I had a relationship for a while with a top where I bottomed/submitted only in the bedroom. And both of those things were good and helpful to me in "testing the waters", figuring out what I wanted and getting me over my nerves. I realized after a while that what I wanted was a 24/7 D/s relationship where I give up authority over most things to a responsible, trustworthy partner (responsible and trustworthy are absolutely key). But plenty of people in the "lifestyle" find they don't want that, and that's totally fine. Some people want to submit only in the bedroom, some people want to bottom but not submit, some people probably decide none of this is for them at all, etc. And it's all good.

But you're not going to figure out what you want by sitting on the couch worrying.

(in reply to lizi)

RE: Worried about getting in too deep? - 2/5/2012 10:45:09 AM

Posts: 108
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: yamyamyam87

"I'm brand new to all of this and am thinking about exploring my sub side."

This is the standout in what you said

You're brand new and exploring, this means that should not be putting yourself in a position to get in too deep with one Dom. Now is the time to observe, learn, and talk to a lot of people in the lifestyle. Figure out what it is you want, and only THEN get involved in a 1 on 1 relationship that fits you.

(in reply to yamyamyam87)

RE: Worried about getting in too deep? - 2/5/2012 2:56:01 PM

Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline

quote:

the fear that I'll either get 'in too deep' with a dom or that I'll commit myself to something and

Irrational.

_____________________________

Frosted Flake
simul justus et peccator
Einen Liebhaber, und halten Sie die Schraube

"... evil (and hilarious) !!" Hlen5

(in reply to BootyBoy)

RE: Worried about getting in too deep? - 2/5/2012 6:13:39 PM

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

Seems to me that just as with a vanilla relationship, you have control over what you do or don't do.
If you start playing with someone, and you don't like what is going on, you can speak up and say so. It doen't matter what you signed up for, you have veto rights.
Don't mistake the verbage ie "giving up all rights", or "no limits" for reality. The reality is is that you can stop anything any time you need to.

(in reply to FrostedFlake)

RE: Worried about getting in too deep? - 2/6/2012 3:59:18 AM

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

Well what does "in too deep" mean to you? Are you afraid some guy will take over your life?
Do you generally get bored of your relationships?

No one can take over your life unless you let them.

to me, I'm submissive to someone in part because that someone is important to me. It's a relationship first and foremost, and there are lots of ways to keep relationships from stagnating. If you thinnk in play terms, if you get bored of something... switch it up or stop doing it.

BDSM isn't a brainwashing machine, or a long-term contractual obligation (unless you're into that stuff :p) - just be reasonnable, and keep your wits about you. Don't get into situations with people unless it's something you want to do. When you're new, sometimes you get a ton of bad information from people who want to take advantage of you.

If you have groups inn your area, drop ito some meetings and check things out. Learn from those people, read, try things, just remember that you're in control until you decide otherwise.

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to kiwisub12)

RE: Worried about getting in too deep? - 2/6/2012 2:06:34 PM

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

Well what does "in too deep" mean to you? Are you afraid some guy will take over your life? Do you generally get bored of your relationships?

Lilly - nice new av!

OP - please do define what "in too deep" means to you.

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

RE: Worried about getting in too deep? - 2/7/2012 8:45:53 PM

Posts: 2
Joined: 10/13/2011
Status: offline

Great responses everyone. I guess maybe "in too deep" is a hyperbolic and dumb phrase. Maybe what I'm worried about is that I'm not a 'real' sub. I don't know. But the advice about treating this just like any other relationship is really great. Thanks for the responses, they've been interesting to read.

(in reply to kalikshama)

RE: Worried about getting in too deep? - 2/8/2012 12:30:36 AM

Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline

Maybe you are not a "real sub". They come in all flavors, you know. And of course, they are all real, until they meet a Domme they don't click with. And then, of course, they are "fake".

If someone is so rude, self centered and immature as to say so.

_____________________________

Frosted Flake
simul justus et peccator
Einen Liebhaber, und halten Sie die Schraube

"... evil (and hilarious) !!" Hlen5

(in reply to yamyamyam87)

RE: Worried about getting in too deep? - 2/13/2012 1:59:01 PM

Posts: 241
Joined: 10/18/2011
From: Kearney, NE
Status: offline

I do this all the time. I think you need to look at the risks. Sometimes it's okay to take chances. It's really up to you, though.

(in reply to FrostedFlake)

RE: Worried about getting in too deep? - 2/13/2012 5:07:13 PM

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: yamyamyam87
One of the things holding me back though is the fear that I'll either get 'in too deep' ...Has anyone had this worry/fear?

If it helps you any, one of the things I learned on my journey was that the vast majority of the things I feared were illusory. In this case, the obvious question is "too deep for what?" The counsel I gave myself and I'll offer to you is to try to put a specific face on your fear. If you cannot construct some plausible situation in which this fear plays out, then you're worrying over nothing. It's easy to worry about everything in theory. But we don't live our lives in theory.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to yamyamyam87)

RE: Worried about getting in too deep? - 2/13/2012 9:07:09 PM

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: yamyamyam87

Great responses everyone. I guess maybe "in too deep" is a hyperbolic and dumb phrase. Maybe what I'm worried about is that I'm not a 'real' sub. I don't know. But the advice about treating this just like any other relationship is really great. Thanks for the responses, they've been interesting to read.

Ahhhh okies... so did someone give you some idea of what a "real sub" is, and you don't feel like it's you? Well maybe you aren't THAT person's ideal, but it doesn't mean you can't feel genuine submission in a different way with someone else.

Usually what people mean by all the "real vs. fake" junk is "if you do it my way, you're real, if not, you are toootally a poser." Pfft. =p

By all means, spend some time examining your motivations, learning about power exchange relationships, etc etc -- but understand that there is no One True Way -- one person's "real sub" is another person's "ew go away," and visa versa. =p Just be who you are, be true to yourself, and find someone who wants what you are.

(p.s. thanks kalikshama ^_^)

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to yamyamyam87)

RE: Worried about getting in too deep? - 2/13/2012 9:39:53 PM

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: yamyamyam87
Maybe what I'm worried about is that I'm not a 'real' sub. I don't know. But the advice about treating this just like any other relationship is really great. Thanks for the responses, they've been interesting to read.

Don't worry. I'm not a "real dom" either. And I'm really serious about that. I'm not. But whatever it is that I am turns out to be just about perfect for Carol so hey, all's well.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to yamyamyam87)

Page: [1]

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Worried about getting in too deep?

Page: [1]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2024

Terms of Service

0.176