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Verbal Humiliation Q - 2/9/2012 5:05:33 PM   
VivianDarkbl00m


Posts: 6
Joined: 3/8/2011
Status: offline 		I love being kinky and would do almost anything with my partner. It seems like I have some sort of a hang up about humiliating them verbally though. I feel like it shouldn't be a problem since it's just a fantasy but I'm also afraid because I don't know what's alright and what isn't. I feel it would be like walking through a mine field. I don't want to hurt the person.

Another issue I'm having is (with this particular person) he enjoys being humiliated about his being bi. My brother is gay and I identify as bi so I feel overly sensitive about saying things like "you're a filthy cocksucking whore" for example. You could say I feel bad because I don't at all see being bi as something to be humiliated about. He doesn't ever push me into doing that for him but I want to do it for him. How does everyone deal with this schism?

For those of you who enjoy humiliation, does it make it less potent, less of a turn on if the terms of what is allowed to be said and what isn't are spelled out? Does it take the enjoyment out of it? I want to ask him to write down what words and phrases get him going but I don't want to ruin the experience for him as it won't be spontaneous any more.
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RE: Verbal Humiliation Q - 2/9/2012 5:16:29 PM   
FrostedFlake


Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline 		I think you are on to something. Not everything is ok. It greatly depends on who you are talking to. What might be great for one might be hurtful for another. And this notion of insulting someone for being the way YOU are is primed to back fire.

There are many ways to do things. Perhaps the word 'Humiliation' is too broad. Can't though, think of a better one. Negotiation seems the best idea here.



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RE: Verbal Humiliation Q - 2/9/2012 6:00:43 PM   
MrBukani


Posts: 1920
Joined: 4/18/2010
Status: offline 		Some words can be such a turn off. Luckily you speak english.
When dutch people start swearing its really ugly.

Its good to set some guidelines.
Some black girls dont mind the n word some very much do.
Once agreed it doesnt make it any less fun.
Just make sure you deliver it well.
I dont like callin my woman stupid for instance.
Its just too unreal. Maybe once she really done something stupid.

< Message edited by MrBukani -- 2/9/2012 6:07:15 PM >

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RE: Verbal Humiliation Q - 2/9/2012 6:01:26 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		While there are things that I don't like being said to me, they aren't off limits though but that's because nothing is off limits to him when it comes to me. Sometimes that's what gets him off...knowing that I don't like certain things.

I would say it sounds like you two need to sit down and have a long discussion on what kind of relationship you both have and where you both want to go with it.


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RE: Verbal Humiliation Q - 2/9/2012 6:42:30 PM   
Damacis


Posts: 45
Joined: 7/27/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VivianDarkbl00m

I love being kinky and would do almost anything with my partner. It seems like I have some sort of a hang up about humiliating them verbally though. I feel like it shouldn't be a problem since it's just a fantasy but I'm also afraid because I don't know what's alright and what isn't. I feel it would be like walking through a mine field. I don't want to hurt the person.

Worry less about this point. If someone is into humiliation you really have to change your mode of thinking. It may sound counter-intuitive but pretend as if you want to hurt his feelings -- what would you say? I know for me personally, the more vicious, the more abusive, the better. As long as your partner knows its part of the act/part of the enjoyment it should be thoroughly mutually stimulating.
quote:


Another issue I'm having is (with this particular person) he enjoys being humiliated about his being bi. My brother is gay and I identify as bi so I feel overly sensitive about saying things like "you're a filthy cocksucking whore" for example. You could say I feel bad because I don't at all see being bi as something to be humiliated about. He doesn't ever push me into doing that for him but I want to do it for him. How does everyone deal with this schism?

Humiliation is less about reality and more about enjoying the moment -- roleplaying, if you will. Both of you know, I'm sure, there's nothing wrong with being bi. That doesn't make it any less of a turn-on to be humiliated by it. He's already told you he enjoys it, so why not run with it!
quote:



For those of you who enjoy humiliation, does it make it less potent, less of a turn on if the terms of what is allowed to be said and what isn't are spelled out? Does it take the enjoyment out of it? I want to ask him to write down what words and phrases get him going but I don't want to ruin the experience for him as it won't be spontaneous any more.

The answer to this question is more... yes and no. Yes, spontaneity always brings an added level of stimulation -- anything new usually does, after all. However, having him write up a list (and making sure he's completely honest about it) is a great idea. The task alone would undoubtedly be a source of arousal to him -- also you wouldn't necessarily have to use the things on the list right away.. you could surprise him about when and how you use the things he wants you to say and do. Also bear in mind -- some things never get old, are always arousing (a blow job for instance); the same applies to aspects of humiliation.


< Message edited by Damacis -- 2/9/2012 6:43:01 PM >

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RE: Verbal Humiliation Q - 2/9/2012 7:25:59 PM   
HisPet21


Posts: 395
Status: offline
quote:

Another issue I'm having is (with this particular person) he enjoys being humiliated about his being bi. My brother is gay and I identify as bi so I feel overly sensitive about saying things like "you're a filthy cocksucking whore" for example. You could say I feel bad because I don't at all see being bi as something to be humiliated about. He doesn't ever push me into doing that for him but I want to do it for him. How does everyone deal with this schism?


You do realize that dominants can have limits too, right? You have to decide for yourself if this is one of them. Is this something you are willing to suck up and try, for the sake of your partner? Or does it hit too close to home? If you are emotionally uncomfortable mocking him for being bi, then by all means, don't do it. There are things I want to try that my partner may never agree to. He has a lot of "edge play" limits, and my curiosity has been expanding. I'll be grateful for what he is willing to try, and deal with what he isn't. Life is about compromise, for all parties involved.

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RE: Verbal Humiliation Q - 2/9/2012 8:59:51 PM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		Humiliating him for beinng bi when you're bi yourself, that's complicated tension... it isn't always that you see something wrong with what you use to humiliate someone, though, just that it pushes a button in them. Unfortunately, it's also pushing a button for you, that makes you very uncomfortable. You are't required to do everything that this person wats. You can set limits, too, as the Top. If using bisexuality as a humiliation tool makes you feel icky, by all means ,communicate that and see if there are other ways you can do it without also upsetting yourself.

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RE: Verbal Humiliation Q - 2/10/2012 4:40:17 AM   
xssve


Posts: 3589
Joined: 10/10/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VivianDarkbl00m

I love being kinky and would do almost anything with my partner. It seems like I have some sort of a hang up about humiliating them verbally though. I feel like it shouldn't be a problem since it's just a fantasy but I'm also afraid because I don't know what's alright and what isn't. I feel it would be like walking through a mine field. I don't want to hurt the person.

Another issue I'm having is (with this particular person) he enjoys being humiliated about his being bi. My brother is gay and I identify as bi so I feel overly sensitive about saying things like "you're a filthy cocksucking whore" for example. You could say I feel bad because I don't at all see being bi as something to be humiliated about. He doesn't ever push me into doing that for him but I want to do it for him. How does everyone deal with this schism?

For those of you who enjoy humiliation, does it make it less potent, less of a turn on if the terms of what is allowed to be said and what isn't are spelled out? Does it take the enjoyment out of it? I want to ask him to write down what words and phrases get him going but I don't want to ruin the experience for him as it won't be spontaneous any more.
Everybody has their hang ups, as hang ups go, this one is a pretty good one to have since it's pretty much the same for people who like/don't like verbal humiliation, i.e., it's pretty binary, either you're into it, or you're outta here. i.e., it can really throw some people for a loop, so not always the best kink to trot out on a first date.

I was a bit reticent about it at first myself (giving) - I've been on the receiving end (though not as a fetish), since the converse seems to be people who cannot hold a conversation without verbal abuse, and it it just pisses me off, so I've always tried to use supportive language even when I'm annoyed.

Thus, when I discovered verbal humiliation as kink, I was intrigued, and I think it's healthy way to blow off some steam with somebody who gets a kick out of it, but it might take some practice to loosen up about it.

And, it's kind of absurd to me still, since as a kink, I'm actually calling a person things that I consider to be positive character traits for the most part.

"Cocksucking slut"! - I like that in a girl.


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RE: Verbal Humiliation Q - 2/10/2012 7:11:04 AM   
RexCorvus


Posts: 84
Joined: 11/27/2011
Status: offline
Big fan of verbal humiliation (both giving and receiving). I've found that many times people worry too much about saying the "wrong" thing or going too far. My wife does, for instance, despite me assuring her I'm down with any abuse she cares to offer up. I'd recommend going slowly but steadily, adding new and more boundary-pushing language as time goes by. And always make sure you're talking to each other later, outside the heat of the moment, to make sure you didn't say anything that was too much. The thing to remember is that you both have responsibilities here: you to be careful, him to not hold it against you if you do step over the line. If he's the kind of person who can be trusted to just tell you something was too much and not carry a grudge or make a huge deal out of it, you should be fine.

If you're not comfortable with anything (like humiliating him for being bi) then don't do it. There are some things I wouldn't do in humiliating someone, even if they asked me to (mostly having to do with religion). But personally I wouldn't worry about whether particular humiliation kinks would sound enlightened in the cold light of day, and I definitely don't give a flip what someone else might think of our little games.

For me it doesn't ruin it if things aren't spontaneous. I've asked my wife to say specific things plenty of times, and it's smoking hot. There is definitely an added excitement when she comes up with something on her own, though. Especially when she hits a hot button I've never even told her about (or maybe didn't know existed). So I'd recommend experimenting and trying out stuff on your own. Take what he tells you and expand on it. I think it's lots of fun trying to figure out what makes a partner tick, and as long as you're communicating well you should be okay even if you do hit a couple of touchy areas.

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RE: Verbal Humiliation Q - 2/10/2012 7:19:48 AM   
fucktoyprincess


Posts: 2337
Status: offline 		I think it either works for two people, or it doesn't. And if one person is uncomfortable with it, regardless of their role, then I think it shouldn't really be part of play. Only you can answer for yourself how comfortable you feel (how uncomfortable or comfortable other people feel is not really going to inform you of your own feelings on this issue). Just be assured that like any kink under the BDSM umbrella, no one is compelled to do this type of play if it does not resonate with them in a positive way.

< Message edited by fucktoyprincess -- 2/10/2012 7:20:19 AM >

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RE: Verbal Humiliation Q - 2/10/2012 8:35:00 AM   
Epytropos


Posts: 699
Joined: 7/23/2011
Status: offline 		This is an odd concept to me because I have absolutely no problem humiliating people over their sexuality, homo, hetero, or otherwise. Perhaps it's because I grew up in the generation that used "fag" as a verb, variety of nouns, and in a variant as an adjective.

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RE: Verbal Humiliation Q - 2/10/2012 9:47:20 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		You are making it far more difficult than it is. From the tone of your post it's rather difficult to tell who is in charge in the relationship. With that said if the dom is not comfortable with humiliation then don't do it. The sub has 2 choices either deal with it or leave the relationship.

For a dom it would be counter intuitive to ask someone is it ok for me the say this or do that. I just can't imagine a relationship like that. To work out those fine details prior to banging the bitch just doesn't do it for me.

BadOne

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RE: Verbal Humiliation Q - 2/10/2012 9:49:24 AM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		Not everyone is in a relationship with an overt power dynamic. Maybe she and her partner are just into a variety of different kinks. It's just a question about humiliation, not necessarily about a D/s dynamic.

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RE: Verbal Humiliation Q - 2/10/2012 10:40:31 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

Not everyone is in a relationship with an overt power dynamic. Maybe she and her partner are just into a variety of different kinks. It's just a question about humiliation, not necessarily about a D/s dynamic.


Yea I believe I covered that... The advice still holds true if your not comfortable with it, well simple shit, don't do it.

We could tell the OP from today til tomorrow that it is OK to humiliate your BF and if the OP finds it offensive for <insert any reason here> The OP is still going to find it offensive and while the OP may do it to please her BF. She may cringe each time and to me that is NOT a viable option.

BadOne

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RE: Verbal Humiliation Q - 2/10/2012 11:06:44 AM   
VivianDarkbl00m


Posts: 6
Joined: 3/8/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

Not everyone is in a relationship with an overt power dynamic. Maybe she and her partner are just into a variety of different kinks. It's just a question about humiliation, not necessarily about a D/s dynamic.


Thank you Lilly. We are both switches and just love experimenting. I, for one, find the strict confines of a concrete D/s dynamic well, a bit suffocating. I know many people here enjoy and succeed in having those clear boundaries. More power to them. We might eventually become that, but we're still getting to know each other. I find the commitment to a strict D/s dynamic to be serious business, even more so than traditional marriage. I think we're nowhere near ready for that yet lol.

Anyway, getting off track. My mainest of main concerns was whether talking it out and asking for guidance from him would ruin the enjoyment. There is some great advice in here, and I will try to take it all in! Thanks to all, I will keep checking this discussion for more of everyone's insight.


< Message edited by VivianDarkbl00m -- 2/10/2012 11:15:57 AM >

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RE: Verbal Humiliation Q - 2/10/2012 11:23:50 AM   
VivianDarkbl00m


Posts: 6
Joined: 3/8/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

Not everyone is in a relationship with an overt power dynamic. Maybe she and her partner are just into a variety of different kinks. It's just a question about humiliation, not necessarily about a D/s dynamic.


Yea I believe I covered that... The advice still holds true if your not comfortable with it, well simple shit, don't do it.

We could tell the OP from today til tomorrow that it is OK to humiliate your BF and if the OP finds it offensive for <insert any reason here> The OP is still going to find it offensive and while the OP may do it to please her BF. She may cringe each time and to me that is NOT a viable option.

BadOne



I think that venturing outside of my comfort zone is important. I'm not disgusted by the aspect of verbal humiliation so I don't think not trying it out for my partner, and perhaps for my own enjoyment down the line would be the solution. It's funny but once upon a time I used to find watersports offensive. Now I love the shit out of it. I'm sure there is a chance I'll never get comfortable with verbal humiliation, but I really hope it's not the case lol.

Thank you.

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RE: Verbal Humiliation Q - 2/10/2012 11:45:32 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VivianDarkbl00m

I love being kinky and would do almost anything with my partner. It seems like I have some sort of a hang up about humiliating them verbally though. I feel like it shouldn't be a problem since it's just a fantasy but I'm also afraid because I don't know what's alright and what isn't. I feel it would be like walking through a mine field. I don't want to hurt the person.

Another issue I'm having is (with this particular person) he enjoys being humiliated about his being bi. My brother is gay and I identify as bi so I feel overly sensitive about saying things like "you're a filthy cocksucking whore" for example. You could say I feel bad because I don't at all see being bi as something to be humiliated about. He doesn't ever push me into doing that for him but I want to do it for him. How does everyone deal with this schism?




Color me confused first you say you're hung up on it ...and the other post says you are not. Would somebody please make up the OPs mind????

BadOne


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RE: Verbal Humiliation Q - 2/10/2012 11:56:36 AM   
VivianDarkbl00m


Posts: 6
Joined: 3/8/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum


quote:

ORIGINAL: VivianDarkbl00m

I love being kinky and would do almost anything with my partner. It seems like I have some sort of a hang up about humiliating them verbally though. I feel like it shouldn't be a problem since it's just a fantasy but I'm also afraid because I don't know what's alright and what isn't. I feel it would be like walking through a mine field. I don't want to hurt the person.

Another issue I'm having is (with this particular person) he enjoys being humiliated about his being bi. My brother is gay and I identify as bi so I feel overly sensitive about saying things like "you're a filthy cocksucking whore" for example. You could say I feel bad because I don't at all see being bi as something to be humiliated about. He doesn't ever push me into doing that for him but I want to do it for him. How does everyone deal with this schism?




Color me confused first you say you're hung up on it ...and the other post says you are not. Would somebody please make up the OPs mind????

BadOne



I guess I consider "hung up" to mean uncomfortable with. I don't find it to mean a hard limit. I'm not american so I apologize if the term caused confusion. I don't think I've contradicted myself though, at least I hope not. I am not sure if I am reading you correctly but you seem a bit confrontational and I'm not certain why. I get the feeling I've offended you? I'm sorry if I read you incorrectly.

V

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RE: Verbal Humiliation Q - 2/10/2012 12:52:54 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		Moi offended, Not at all. It just seemed like you were talking out of both sides of your mouth. well anyway good luck

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

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RE: Verbal Humiliation Q - 2/10/2012 7:07:01 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VivianDarkbl00m

I love being kinky and would do almost anything with my partner. It seems like I have some sort of a hang up about humiliating them verbally though. I feel like it shouldn't be a problem since it's just a fantasy but I'm also afraid because I don't know what's alright and what isn't. I feel it would be like walking through a mine field. I don't want to hurt the person.

Another issue I'm having is (with this particular person) he enjoys being humiliated about his being bi. My brother is gay and I identify as bi so I feel overly sensitive about saying things like "you're a filthy cocksucking whore" for example. You could say I feel bad because I don't at all see being bi as something to be humiliated about. He doesn't ever push me into doing that for him but I want to do it for him. How does everyone deal with this schism?

For those of you who enjoy humiliation, does it make it less potent, less of a turn on if the terms of what is allowed to be said and what isn't are spelled out? Does it take the enjoyment out of it? I want to ask him to write down what words and phrases get him going but I don't want to ruin the experience for him as it won't be spontaneous any more.


He's already told you which phrases work for him...which one's float his boat.

Why are you asking anyone else?

If you don't want to do it because of (your) familiarity issues....all good...tell him so and that's that. He'll either understand or run to someone else who will give it to him because his kink is stronger than his desire to understand.

(I don't see the quandary here other than that you don't feel comfortable with what he's requested. Either get comfortable, because he's told you he likes it....or don't).

(in reply to VivianDarkbl00m)
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