fucktoyprincess
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quote:
ORIGINAL: JeffBC
quote:
ORIGINAL: fucktoyprincess
In other words, I'm suggesting you are like a gay man who doesn't want to embrace the term "gay". You are a kinkster who still wants to use the label vanilla. This is what I don't quite understand.
Not my style... this is the same guy who posted pictures of himself in a thong. I'm pretty comfortable with whatever I am. This, I've learned, was simply a total miscalibration of what it means to be kinky. To exaggerate, because I came into the whole kink world basically naive about sex in general, it seemed like if I didn't have two trapezes and a bondage cross in my living room then it was vanilla LOL.
Take the leash thing. For most of the time, that's been mostly like a "6' long wedding ring". It wasn't really a bondage device. Heck, it had a velcro closure that if you tugged on it at all came loose (but it was easy to put on and off). So it didn't seem very "bondage-ey". Upon closer review, most guys don't have photos of their wives kneeling with a collar and leash :) Yes, I can be incredibly obtuse sometimes.
It's also confusing because even the D/s component isn't eroticized. I don't own Carol because it's sexy. I own her because it works for us. So it was difficult to visualize it as "erotic domination and submission" because it's not. ~shrugs~
In the end, all I know is that I like being able to use adult words to discuss adult topics with adults. I like being in a place where a mere fantasy is not automatically a crime.
No worries. You know, I'm not hung up on labels per se except that at certain times they can be very effective at communicating basic things about oneself. I do have to laugh (just a little) at your sense of what vanilla meant.
I also think what is interesting about your observation is that many of us are not so concerned about the labels, however, many are (rightfully) concerned about the level of acceptance we might get within a given community, and what that means for finding a "home" for ourselves. While BDSM is a large umbrella, and it covers many things that I am most decidedly not into, this is the only community that embraces and accepts my combination of kinks, relationship type, sexual orientation, etc. in totality. Even if I can't define what exactly vanilla is, or what exactly BDSM is (because both, in some senses do not lend themselves to simple pat definitions), I can say with some self-assuredness, that the vanilla community in general is not really that welcoming of the things that I find of interest. I do not discuss my BDSM proclivities with any of my vanilla friends. Period. Because I know that as accepting as they are about so many things about me, that the moment I mention BDSM gear, D/s dynamics, etc. I will get not get just blank stares (which I could live with), but more likely serious concern about the state of my mental health (even though I have no, zero, psychological issues otherwise). Vanilla people still consider much of what goes on under the BDSM umbrella to be either psychologically wrong at best, or a crime, at worst. And I'm simply not interested in defending myself to anyone over lifestyle choices I have made that, for me, personally, come from a healthy adult sexuality. I would rather discuss these things with like-minded people who, instead of judging, can move on to other issues around how to do these things safely, consensually, etc. rather than spend too much time hand-wringing over the "appropriateness" of such things. Most of my world is vanilla. And I love my friends and family who are. But this part of me only gets shared within the community of people where I know I will find acceptance. And I'm not convinced that even a book like 50 Shades of Grey will ever make BDSM completely mainstream and acceptable. People enjoy the book the way they might enjoy a serial killer book. I think vanilla people find it entertaining as a fantasy, but when confronted with people who actually live that way, it makes people concerned, or scared.
It sounds to me like you are both very open minded in general - and so perhaps these labels were not meaningful personally. But it is important to remember that the rest of the world is not as open minded about sex or relationship dynamics. Not even close. Anyway, I guess I should welcome you to the club. I think given what you and Carol do that you will always find it a more welcoming place than the vanilla world.
And, not that it matters, but some of the gear I use have velcro closings, too. Sometimes, depending on type of play, it is much safer. Not to mention some of the play that I'm into (like resistance play) doesn't necessarily require any equipment at all. Don't judge by the equipment of lack thereof. Judge by the mindset. I think you have a mindset much more in common with those of us here than those in the vanilla world..... 
< Message edited by fucktoyprincess -- 4/9/2012 6:48:07 AM >
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~ ftp
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RE: Oh man. I have been SOOOOO wrong. - 
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