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You're No Switch! - 4/13/2012 10:25:06 AM

Posts: 84
Joined: 11/27/2011
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I had an experience by CMail that vaguely annoyed me. Thought I'd share and see if anyone else had run into the same thinking.

In my profile I list myself as a switch because, well, I'm a switch. I love being on both sides of the kneel. As far as my "Looking for" I list submissive women and switch women, but not dominant women. I explain in my profile that although I might be a fit for some dominant women, in general I don't think I'd be a good candidate for a relationship with a Domme.

So recently I got this CMail which basically said "If you don't want to be with a dominant then why do you list yourself as a switch? You're really a dominant". I guess the person figured that since I was interested in sub women (implying I'm good with being the dominant all the time) I wasn't "really" a switch. Now I've got my reasons for being okay with starting a relationship with a sub but not a dom, but they're not really relevant to this conversation. What I'm wondering is if other switches get hit with the "You're not really a swtich, you're a dom/sub" because they don't list dom, sub, and switch in their "looking for"? That seems overly restrictive to me. Thoughts?

RE: You're No Switch! - 4/13/2012 10:48:19 AM

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When I was listed as domme I got a boatload of sub guys whining at me when I mentioned I was a switch that they'd never have contacted me if they'd known I wasn't a "real" domme. All becuase I very occasionally, for the very occasional person want to sub for them - despite the fact I'm very clear I'm not looking for online or rl relationships at the moment.

My thoughts? There's a lot of people who have a very narrow minded view of kink and d/s and are only able to see it through their own interpretation. Those who do not conform to this are obviously fake/unreal/etcetc because they're unable to satisfy their fantasies with things that vary slightly from what they want. Chalk it down to them being childish and/or narrowminded and be glad they're not interested in you because trust me, they won't be all that enjoyable company in real life.

(in reply to RexCorvus)

RE: You're No Switch! - 4/13/2012 12:40:19 PM

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From: Los Angeles
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Interesting points above! I'm guessing that most (myself included) are very ignorant of what being a switch is all about. It therefore behooves you to be painfully articulate and clear about what you're looking for in your profiles. Those who get you will get you, and those who don't weren't worth the effort anyway.

As a dom, I can still relate to wanting to explore being a sub, but only for the right woman, and only to experiment. It's not like I can change my nature, and want to sub regularly, or on an ongoing basis as part of who I am. I think that's why so many people like myself are so ignorant about it, cus it's so foreign to our sense of more polarized roles that don't have such a dynamic range.

Maybe also part of it is the context of things. Part of why I like controlling is because I like things going "right" (like planning an event or outing), and that usually entails me taking control. But that doesn't mean I don't like sitting back and letting someone else do all the work, heavy lifting, and driving, so to speak. But I don't think that makes me a switch.

(in reply to geekgamegirl)

RE: You're No Switch! - 4/13/2012 1:11:22 PM

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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Using FR:

We switches tend to be on the receiving end of all kinds of ignorance induced crap, from the switches don't exist line to you're not a real dom or sub.

I've been getting it for years, and am still amazed at those who profess to some knowledge of BDSM coming out with this BS.

But as I've said quite recently, it must be very difficult for someone strongly wired one way, dom or sub, to understand those of us who are wired both ways.

Overtime I've learned to let it roll off my back, but I agree, it is vaguely annoying.

_____________________________

(in reply to Karmastic)

RE: You're No Switch! - 4/13/2012 2:03:51 PM

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Joined: 4/13/2012
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i dont get people who dont "get" switches. wtf?

is there a whoel generation thats grown up with its ideas of sexuality so whitewashed and homogenized that they think everyone runs around checking boxes like "dominant" and "submissive" with nothing in-between? thats such a narrow minded, white/black style of thinking and it must be so dull goign through life thinking everyone has to fit into one and only one compartment. makes me sad :(

(in reply to RexCorvus)

RE: You're No Switch! - 4/13/2012 3:23:14 PM

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From: Los Angeles
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quote:

ORIGINAL: supragenius

i dont get people who dont "get" switches. wtf?

is there a whoel generation thats grown up with its ideas of sexuality so whitewashed and homogenized that they think everyone runs around checking boxes like "dominant" and "submissive" with nothing in-between? thats such a narrow minded, white/black style of thinking and it must be so dull goign through life thinking everyone has to fit into one and only one compartment. makes me sad :(

I can only speak for myself, and say, of course not! I wouldn't be so presumptuous to say I understand switches any more than I understand a bi person. It's not about tolerance, which is a dirty word, and implies something bad is being allowed or indulged. It's about acceptance. But that doesn't mean one understands or "gets it". I get it in the practical sense, and wish I could be drawn to and enjoy both (why limit yourself). But, I'm just not. And therein lies the "don't get it" part.

(in reply to supragenius)

RE: You're No Switch! - 4/14/2012 2:25:00 AM

Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline

Yeah!

(..chirp...chirp, ...chirp-chirp...)

Don't tell me you guys have already figured out I'm not a Real switch.

_____________________________

Frosted Flake
simul justus et peccator
Einen Liebhaber, und halten Sie die Schraube

"... evil (and hilarious) !!" Hlen5

(in reply to Karmastic)

RE: You're No Switch! - 4/14/2012 6:20:57 AM

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Joined: 5/19/2007
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I've heard it all, you're not this, you're not that.
I know what I am, I don't need to convince anyone else of it.

Usually people like that get a snarky reply from me like "No.. Infact I am an exotic piece of fruit who's started to go moldy on one side."

I also never tried too hard to identify as switch or sub, I am what I am, I won't get along well with anyone who puts value in labels, so I ignore them and just respond to those who take me at face value as a person, not a catagory.

(in reply to RexCorvus)

RE: You're No Switch! - 4/14/2012 12:39:56 PM

Posts: 985
Joined: 4/11/2012
From: Toronto, Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Karmastic

Interesting points above! I'm guessing that most (myself included) are very ignorant of what being a switch is all about. It therefore behooves you to be painfully articulate and clear about what you're looking for in your profiles. Those who get you will get you, and those who don't weren't worth the effort anyway.

I'd have to (sort of) disagree. If I identify as a switch, and someone approaches me, it behooves THEM to be clear what they are looking for, and to be educated about the little pond they are swimming around in. If I - as a switch - approached a sub, THEN it is my responsibility to be clear to them about what I am looking for, and see if it matches up with what they want.

I think the same is true for any profile on any kind of site. Its the person doing the approaching who should clear the air so a conversation can begin.

That's not to say that you don't have an obligation to be honest in your profile... But I don't think you have an obligation to define yourself down to a tee.

(in reply to Karmastic)

RE: You're No Switch! - 4/14/2012 12:53:52 PM

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From: Los Angeles
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Bhruic

quote:

ORIGINAL: Karmastic

Interesting points above! I'm guessing that most (myself included) are very ignorant of what being a switch is all about. It therefore behooves you to be painfully articulate and clear about what you're looking for in your profiles. Those who get you will get you, and those who don't weren't worth the effort anyway.

I'd have to (sort of) disagree. If I identify as a switch, and someone approaches me, it behooves THEM to be clear what they are looking for, and to be educated about the little pond they are swimming around in. If I - as a switch - approached a sub, THEN it is my responsibility to be clear to them about what I am looking for, and see if it matches up with what they want.

I think the same is true for any profile on any kind of site. Its the person doing the approaching who should clear the air so a conversation can begin.

That's not to say that you don't have an obligation to be honest in your profile... But I don't think you have an obligation to define yourself down to a tee.

I agree 100% as you stated above. But I wasn't thinking in terms of approaching versus being approached, and who initiates contact. And of course you cannot define yourself down to a T in your profile or anywhere else.

My point was simply that being a switch means, all the more in a general sense, that you must be "painfully articulate and clear about what you're looking for". That flexibility for the right person applies both to whoever you may respond to or initiate contact with, but especially with your profile, since you want to appeal to both audiences.

(in reply to Bhruic)

RE: You're No Switch! - 4/14/2012 5:07:22 PM

Posts: 985
Joined: 4/11/2012
From: Toronto, Canada
Status: offline

Ahhh... well I agree with that.

(in reply to Karmastic)

RE: You're No Switch! - 4/16/2012 5:57:53 AM

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Joined: 11/27/2011
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It's been good to read other peoples' affirmation that they, too, catch similar flak. Like I said, it's vaguely annoying rather than being any kind of a huge deal.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ProlificNeeds
I've heard it all, you're not this, you're not that.
I know what I am, I don't need to convince anyone else of it.

I don't even mind explaining myself, and to some extent trying to "convince" someone I'm a switch (or whatever), as long as we're talking about a polite conversation. When it starts with "You're not really a switch" that's not a good beginning. And it's especially annoying when it comes out of the blue. If I message someone and express interest in them, to some degree they're entitled to reply with "No thanks, I don't think you're really a switch based on your profile". I might not agree, but at least I started the conversation. But what's the motivation to pick an argument with someone you've otherwise had no discussion with? Oh, right, it's the Internet...

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)

RE: You're No Switch! - 4/18/2012 8:07:09 AM

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Joined: 5/31/2005
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I too have been told I'm not real just because I enjoy both sides. In fact an ex of mine told me that I lied to him in stating that I was a slave...well my profile was very clearly marked that I am a switch. At the time I was using a very different handle (the one I have now was set up by my Master). I have never really identified with being slave. Master knows this. But he actually loves the fact I have my controlling side...when we find the right girl he knows I'll enjoy taking control...but we will have our hierarchy ... he will always be at the top. I will always be beneath him but above our submissive. To me what dom/me wouldn't love having someone who can be both....imagine the shows that you could watch. But another way for the Dom/mes and subs/slaves who don't get it think of us perhaps like an alpha sub...we submit to our Dom/me but will take charge of others who do are not alpha. Another way you can look at it:

Manager - Dom/me
Assistant Manager - Switch with mostly Dom/me tendencies
Shift Manager - Switch with mostly sub tendencies
Employee - Sub/slave

(in reply to RexCorvus)

RE: You're No Switch! - 4/30/2012 8:20:11 AM

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Joined: 4/29/2012
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Well if people want to say you're not a switch then let them believe that. That means they're not what you are looking for. People have different opinions on what it means to be domain sub slave and switch so if they don't like your definition they obviously don't fit with what you want so why bother?

(in reply to Enforcersslave)

RE: You're No Switch! - 4/30/2012 8:27:48 AM

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

Really at this point in my life, I'm much less into the labels. But I call myself switch for a reason. It easily weeds out those I don't need to waste time on. *And* allows me to educate those who are open to such.

It's a win / win for me.

_____________________________

(in reply to kittyclowngirl)

RE: You're No Switch! - 4/30/2012 11:53:55 AM

Posts: 45
Joined: 7/27/2011
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The phrase "real x" should be banned. It is so often followed with ignorant, narrow minded tripe. For some reason a very large portion of the population wants to put every single human being in a neat little labeled box; and it does get frustrating at times to see it so often repeated.

< Message edited by Damacis -- 4/30/2012 11:54:28 AM >

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

RE: You're No Switch! - 5/2/2012 12:23:04 AM

subbyinlosangele

Posts: 117
Joined: 1/23/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RexCorvus

I had an experience by CMail that vaguely annoyed me. Thought I'd share and see if anyone else had run into the same thinking.

In my profile I list myself as a switch because, well, I'm a switch. I love being on both sides of the kneel. As far as my "Looking for" I list submissive women and switch women, but not dominant women. I explain in my profile that although I might be a fit for some dominant women, in general I don't think I'd be a good candidate for a relationship with a Domme.

So recently I got this CMail which basically said "If you don't want to be with a dominant then why do you list yourself as a switch? You're really a dominant". I guess the person figured that since I was interested in sub women (implying I'm good with being the dominant all the time) I wasn't "really" a switch. Now I've got my reasons for being okay with starting a relationship with a sub but not a dom, but they're not really relevant to this conversation. What I'm wondering is if other switches get hit with the "You're not really a swtich, you're a dom/sub" because they don't list dom, sub, and switch in their "looking for"? That seems overly restrictive to me. Thoughts?

My thoughts: I generally don't give a shit about random strangers who offer up unsolicited opinions, because the opinions generally have little to do about you, and almost everything to do about them. By and large, the only reason someone would bother to write to you about this is because they trying to get something from you -- a reaction, a change of perspective so you will meet their needs, whatever. Remember: Putting up a profile here isn't an invitation for every wackoff to critique your values, needs, and desires.

(in reply to RexCorvus)

RE: You're No Switch! - 5/2/2012 8:28:27 AM

Just0Plain0Mike

Posts: 127
Joined: 6/16/2010
Status: offline

My partner gets that all the time. Because she lists herself as a switch, she can't possibly be a "real" Domme. "Real" Dommes don't submit to anyone, ever.

(in reply to subbyinlosangele)

RE: You're No Switch! - 5/2/2012 11:26:11 PM

DreadPirateSyrin

Posts: 4
Joined: 4/9/2012
Status: offline

Meh. It's a crazy world out there. I'm a bisexual switch! I'm not real on two different terms! In all honesty, I just prefer not to limit myself. I've heard women tell me they don't want to be with me because I'll fuck men, and men tell me they don't want to be with me because I'll fuck women (yes it's happened). And it applies the same with being on both sides of the D/s fence. Some people are just too stuck in their 1s and 0s to realize that there's 2s, 3s, 4s, and 5s out there. They will either grow up and learn, or they won't. No skin off my back.

I think it's best to just ignore the ones that get fussy with you. Because they're usually too insecure to realize there's a bigger world out there than what they see.

(in reply to Just0Plain0Mike)

RE: You're No Switch! - 5/16/2012 10:16:30 AM

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Joined: 5/16/2012
Status: offline

Let's look at this philosophically and fundamentally. Positioning is right in the middle -- think of it in physical terms -- single pole single throw or double pole double throw. A Great One lovingly knows, understands, empathizes, and identifies with the passion and enthusiasm of the sacred submissive heart; it's a mutually loving bond. Emotions are dynamic -- so is the heart-to-heart exchange of power. There are all sorts of Masters and Doms, Physical, Mind, Intellectual, Spiritual and so forth and so on. A good teacher trains another as their replacement. A great submissive makes a great Master, vis a vis.

(in reply to DreadPirateSyrin)

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