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Spanking, when to safe word! - 5/8/2012 2:48:26 PM

Looking4more64

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I am new to this lifestyle. I have been chatting and been with a Dom twice. (same Dom). We live 1.5 hours from each other and I'm married but live in an open marriage. This Dom is very much into spanking (hand, paddle, crop, belt) to the point were I am black and blue for a week with pain, trouble walking and sitting. I don't want to disappoint him but when do I know enough is enough and use my safe word? I do enjoy my spankings but it can get to the point where I'm not sure anymore. He tells me he feels I can handle it. Please any advise would helpful thanks!

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RE: Spanking, when to safe word! - 5/8/2012 2:50:58 PM

AngelOfSilence

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A safe word is to let the top know something is wrong in some way and you want the scene to stop, so the time to safe word is when you want the scene to stop. Clear enough?

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RE: Spanking, when to safe word! - 5/8/2012 2:52:32 PM

TNDommeK

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Also, I would say when you can take the pain anymore, it's not a bad thing to let him know he has reached your threshold of pain.

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RE: Spanking, when to safe word! - 5/8/2012 3:15:54 PM

AngelOfSilence

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Joined: 5/8/2012
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Or before. Why must you go to your absolute limit, can you not call a halt to the proceedings when you have reached what you are comfortable with at that time?

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RE: Spanking, when to safe word! - 5/8/2012 3:39:01 PM

Killerangel

Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Looking4more64

I am new to this lifestyle. I have been chatting and been with a Dom twice. (same Dom). We live 1.5 hours from each other and I'm married but live in an open marriage. This Dom is very much into spanking (hand, paddle, crop, belt) to the point were I am black and blue for a week with pain, trouble walking and sitting. I don't want to disappoint him but when do I know enough is enough and use my safe word? I do enjoy my spankings but it can get to the point where I'm not sure anymore. He tells me he feels I can handle it. Please any advise would helpful thanks!

Well you've been with him twice now, it's time to tell him you can't afford to be black and blue for a week and the fact that he thinks you can take it isn't working for you. He doesn't get to indulge himself and have you pay the price each time or maybe you won't stick around for more - right? Most of us can't live in the BDSM world all the time, we have to attend to our lives. If what he's doing is interfering with your life, then it's time to sit him down and say something- what does it matter if he's disappointed? It's not working for you even if you would like it to be different, end of story.

I knew a man who loved to mark my neck, it didn't work for me- I had kids at home. I told him (nicely) to knock it off. He did- he had no idea that I was fielding some uncomfortable questions. Maybe your man gets caught up in the heat of the moment and pushes too far not knowing the price you are paying- you have to tell him. Being submissive doesn't mean you sit there and take whatever is dished out, you have a say in your own experience too.

So think through what you've done so far and how far you think you can go and tell him before the next session that you'd like to do about half or whatever you come up with. Figure out in your head where the halfway point is and then use the safe word when you get there. Try talking to him, include him in on this- tell him you want to be with him again but you can't keep paying that price so how about the two of you figure out where the boundaries are that will work in your life?

You are in control of your experience, stop handing it over to him when he doesn't seem to have the best judgement of where to stop. Yes, he's in control, however, he can't know where you wish to stop unless you're expecting him to read your mind. I have to wonder why he's pushing so hard with someone who is new and so quickly over the first 2 sessions with you....it's sending up some red flags for me but you'd know better. People who are looking out for their partner, especially someone new, generally start out lighter and for shorter times to establish a baseline of sorts...if he's pushing you to the point right from the start where you can't sit for a week then that's making me wonder if he's doing things for himself and not paying as much attention to you as he should. I have no idea, just wondering about that.

(in reply to Looking4more64)

Post #: 5

RE: Spanking, when to safe word! - 5/8/2012 3:42:46 PM

AngelOfSilence

Posts: 119
Joined: 5/8/2012
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Are you single? Please tell me you are available.

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Post #: 6

RE: Spanking, when to safe word! - 5/8/2012 4:10:45 PM

Killerangel

Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
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Lol....

It depends

OP, I just want to encourage you to stop letting people talk you into things that aren't working for you. If this guy has an overwhelming interest in spanking and he's having a great old time, then maybe he's thrilled to have his fetish indulged and that's why he isn't interested in cutting back so much. He's not the only person in the exchange though is he?

If he wants to keep you he'll need to figure out what works for you too. If he doesn't seem interested in working this out and keeps pushing for things the way he wants them, I'd reconsider things with him. There are a lot of men on this site that would love to have what you are offering.

(in reply to AngelOfSilence)

Post #: 7

RE: Spanking, when to safe word! - 5/8/2012 4:11:26 PM

Looking4more64

Posts: 2
Joined: 4/6/2012
Status: offline

Thank you for the advise. I guess my biggest concern is that spanking is the only scene he seems to want. We've chatted about other things but it always end up about spanking some how. We seem to have the same interests and get along very well. I'm just not sure what to do.

(in reply to AngelOfSilence)

Post #: 8

RE: Spanking, when to safe word! - 5/8/2012 4:15:29 PM

Killerangel

Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Looking4more64

Thank you for the advise. I guess my biggest concern is that spanking is the only scene he seems to want. We've chatted about other things but it always end up about spanking some how. We seem to have the same interests and get along very well. I'm just not sure what to do.

He's not the only Dominant out there. You are in charge of your experience, get what you want. If he's not working out the way you'd hoped then try something new. The odds here are drastically in your favor as a woman, there will be someone who will suit you. If his one-minded pursuit is leaving you a bit flat then why sign up for more? There will be others that have the same interests as you and that you can get along with. Trust me.

(in reply to Looking4more64)

Post #: 9

RE: Spanking, when to safe word! - 5/8/2012 4:16:58 PM

frazzle

Posts: 1212
Joined: 6/20/2009
Status: offline

Use common sense, if you arent getting what you need or want out of the exchange, move on.

(in reply to Looking4more64)

Post #: 10

RE: Spanking, when to safe word! - 5/8/2012 6:12:11 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

If you don't want long lasting bruises, you need to state that and he needs to respect it.
As far as what else will go on in a scene, you need to state that you want to try something else next time and don't want another spanking scene.

He either can agree or not just as you have every right not to agree with his monomania in marking you severely.

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Post #: 11

RE: Spanking, when to safe word! - 5/8/2012 6:23:37 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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Whenever you feel like it. It's your relationship. If he doesn't like it and you two aren't in a strict M/s relationship then you simply end it and move on. I mean it sounds like you two are just play partners so you have the right to say no whenever you feel like it.

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Post #: 12

RE: Spanking, when to safe word! - 5/8/2012 6:25:09 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Looking4more64

Thank you for the advise. I guess my biggest concern is that spanking is the only scene he seems to want. We've chatted about other things but it always end up about spanking some how. We seem to have the same interests and get along very well. I'm just not sure what to do.

Sit down with him and tell him you're not getting what you want and you don't wanna play anymore. He'll either give you what you want so he can continue to play with you or he'll leave to find someone who wants what he wants.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Post #: 13

RE: Spanking, when to safe word! - 5/9/2012 11:01:16 AM

IronWithVelvet

Posts: 15
Joined: 3/13/2012
Status: offline

Use your safe word whenever YOU think or feel it is enough, regardless of what your Dom says you can take and regardless of whether you think you will disappoint him. No one else will look out after your well-being and save your ass (figuratively and literally) except you. And don't be shy about unapologetically using safe words! This is not just your right, but also your responsibility. If your Dom will not respect your limits, part ways.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 14

RE: Spanking, when to safe word! - 5/9/2012 12:28:39 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

Since when do your nerve endings connect to his brain receptors? How the HELL does he know what you can handle, unless you make it clear. And once you do, don't buy into this BS that he knows how much you can handle. Until he walks the walk in YOUR body, he knows squat.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Looking4more64
I do enjoy my spankings but it can get to the point where I'm not sure anymore. He tells me he feels I can handle it.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
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(in reply to Looking4more64)

Post #: 15

RE: Spanking, when to safe word! - 5/9/2012 3:25:15 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Since when do your nerve endings connect to his brain receptors? How the HELL does he know what you can handle, unless you make it clear. And once you do, don't buy into this BS that he knows how much you can handle. Until he walks the walk in YOUR body, he knows squat.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Looking4more64
I do enjoy my spankings but it can get to the point where I'm not sure anymore. He tells me he feels I can handle it.

I have been thinking the same thing. So often we here those two things together; worry over disappointment and the dominant stating they know what the s-type can or cannot handle.

In this case, we have two people who have played together all of TWO times. That is not near enough time (regardless of conversations they may have had for however long before) to determine what someone physically can handle.

I won't jump on the "he's a jerk" train, but I do believe there is a miscommunication between them. His belief that she can "handle" it seems to only apply to the activity in the moment, without thoughts of the after effects. It doesn't excuse his mistake of thinking he knows her well enough to know what she can and cannot handle. However, if she isn't telling him when they speak a day later or whenever how she is feeling, he isn't going to learn what she can and can't handle.

Which leads to the usual reality that both people in the situation are at fault. He needs to realize that he needs to really get to know someone over time before thinking he can determine what they can and cannot handle, and she needs to realize that being a sub doesn't mean she has no say in what she is doing.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 16

RE: Spanking, when to safe word! - 5/9/2012 4:52:49 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

Good points!

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

I do believe there is a miscommunication between them. His belief that she can "handle" it seems to only apply to the activity in the moment, without thoughts of the after effects. It doesn't excuse his mistake of thinking he knows her well enough to know what she can and cannot handle. However, if she isn't telling him when they speak a day later or whenever how she is feeling, he isn't going to learn what she can and can't handle.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Killerangel

I have to wonder why he's pushing so hard with someone who is new and so quickly over the first 2 sessions with you....it's sending up some red flags for me but you'd know better. People who are looking out for their partner, especially someone new, generally start out lighter and for shorter times to establish a baseline of sorts...if he's pushing you to the point right from the start where you can't sit for a week then that's making me wonder if he's doing things for himself and not paying as much attention to you as he should.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 17

RE: Spanking, when to safe word! - 5/10/2012 12:09:01 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
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-fast reply-

'Hi Bob, we've played together a couple of times now and I think it's a good idea to chat about how things are working out. I enjoyed the spanking scene we did but in retrospect I think I allowed it to go a bit further than was right for me. The bruises I was left with were severe enough to have an impact on my life for the next few days and I can't really afford that. I was so focused on not disappointing you that I didn't use my safeword when it got too much, but now I realise that it's important for both of us that I communicate when I reach my limits, especially since we're new to each other and so you can't be expected to know what I can handle. I enjoy spanking but I also really like X, Y and Z and I'd like us to include some of those in our play time to really make it exciting for me. Do you think these are things we can work on, or should we look for partners who have more similar tastes?'

OK I made a lot of assumptions there, but that's probably how I would say things. Perhaps followed up with a more careful negotiation of the next scene to make sure it limits the amount of pain and includes your interests too. If he still oversteps then get rid of him. At this stage it sounds like he is just over-excited. This is clearly his major kink and he sounds a bit blinkered about it. He should be paying closer attention to your reactions and wants, but this is perhaps inexperience rather than selfishness - you might come across as quite calm during the play and he doesn't realise you're not feeling the same way he is.

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Upon the hours and times of your desire?

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Post #: 18

RE: Spanking, when to safe word! - 5/10/2012 10:17:29 AM

angelikaJ

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Joined: 6/22/2007
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You safe word when it is enough for you.
That has nothing to do with what might seem like enough to the person You are playing with.

That may change from one day to the next and you should not feel badly about it.

If the person you are scening with tries to guilt You about it then they are not likely the right person for you to scene with.

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(in reply to Looking4more64)

Post #: 19

RE: Spanking, when to safe word! - 5/10/2012 12:01:54 PM

Alecta

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Joined: 1/19/2010
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You've played with him twice. If you don't like where it's going and he's disinclined to change course, move on.

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Post #: 20

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