RE: 24/7 - Gorean, Is it really what I'm looking for?

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RE: 24/7 - Gorean, Is it really what I'm looking for? - 6/2/2012 6:34:32 PM

halberd388

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Thanks, Kana, this was a big help.

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RE: 24/7 - Gorean, Is it really what I'm looking for? - 6/2/2012 6:47:00 PM

halberd388

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Hey Steven, I appreciate that you feel I should be tested for a mental disorder but after talking with my fiance (maybe ex-fiance) I've started to come to terms with what my real problems are. It's certainly not autism, though I'm not sure what Aspergers is but I'll read about it and ask some questions.

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RE: 24/7 - Gorean, Is it really what I'm looking for? - 6/2/2012 7:03:00 PM

halberd388

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Hey Jeff,

I didn't really know much about the Gorean lifestyle, it was just brought up to me by someone one day while I was talking to them about fetishes. He showed me this leather pouch with a rock and I thought it was interesting how he talked about his partners and wife. It's not really something I could ever do, though, not now... maybe not ever.

I've been told by some I've dated they enjoy how I dominate them, not always those words though. Later on though they tend to become scared, some because I'm aggressive others because they say I 'changed' them. That's what started me seeking counsel and friends.

I feel I am probably picking the wrong women, when I say relinquish control I mean I don't like her telling me what to do... I like to talk about what she likes and how she feels, what bothers her and what makes her happy, and do that stuff with her. I do want her to be mine, I want her body and her mind to want to be with me because I want to feel a connection with her. I don't want her to behave like she's better than me, dresses better than me, eats better, talks better or the sex is better because of her. When I say 'better' it's more like I feel I'm being looked down on instead of being looked at. I've had some pretty bitchy girlfriends and lovers who made me upset because of how they acted after I got to know them. I know not everyone is like that, though.

I've tried twice with vanilla women, as it were, and after my ex-fiance one self-identified 'slave'. The vanilla women were just plain scared of me when I started to talk about the things I felt and thought, so I bowed out gracefully with them. The 'slave' we talked about how we would co-exsist, what was ok and what wasn't, the things she wanted to try, etc. It was fun, but I just didn't feel a connection with her... I felt almost like she was using me to get off on being used. I found it odd, thought I should talk to her about why I wasn't being pleased, and she left because I found out it really was just for the sex (and she was using me as a place to stay/food to eat/money to spend).

Sooo.. I guess I'm trying to say I've scared away women with the thoughts I've had and have, and that the 1 real BDSM relationship I tried to make failed horribly because I thought of it as more than it really was.

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RE: 24/7 - Gorean, Is it really what I'm looking for? - 6/2/2012 7:11:13 PM

halberd388

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Hey Des,

I have talked to a sex counselor (the person I know who told me to seek out others who think about these things), hence why I'm here, he said that even though I have some emotional issues they aren't too serious and I need a good outlet for my thoughts with people that will either try to understand or will understand.

I laid out everything with him, from my sexual abuse as a child, rough sex, thoughts of control and 'daddying' women... etc. I was reassure I wasn't nuts or had any mental disorder, just emotionally damaged and needed a place to cope. To talk things out, not be offended if I thought people were trying to 'belittle me' as the phrase I use, and try to understand if this is something I really want... or if I just need a relationship with a woman who understands me for who I am and accepts that sometimes I'll need to talk to her about my wild thoughts and work through it.

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RE: 24/7 - Gorean, Is it really what I'm looking for? - 6/2/2012 9:25:44 PM

Musicmystery

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~FR~

I smell sock.

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RE: 24/7 - Gorean, Is it really what I'm looking for? - 6/2/2012 9:39:30 PM

IronWithVelvet

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Joined: 3/13/2012
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It’s hardly loving and considerate to control someone that doesn’t want to be controlled. It’s only loving and considerate when you place as much importance on what a woman wants and needs from you as the importance you profess to place on her words.

I second LafayetteLady’s suggestion and strongly urge you to see a licensed psychologist rather than shopping for a kink that fits your psychology. By focusing on sex and relationship counseling, you might have been trying to treat the symptoms rather than the root causes of your problems.

Don’t get too defensive over someone saying you are fucked up. You asked for opinions and you already stated that you have a track record of creeping out women. Well, you creeped out some more folks here and they just gave you their frank opinions per your request. Besides, most people are fucked up to a degree or more. Some just deal with it better than others.

IWV

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RE: 24/7 - Gorean, Is it really what I'm looking for? - 6/2/2012 10:41:33 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
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From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
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Insight, OK . . . here goes.

You attach yourself to real life strangers with fantasies of changing/controlling them by “teaching”. You attach yourself to strangers on the net and women here make you “happy & upset”. You attach yourself to your lovers to the point of “creeping them out”. I won’t go on, you see the pattern.

You seem to seek justification. You justified why you made the post. You justify your control fantasies and issues by saying you will make them a better person. Dude, you can't justify that, it's not your job to protect or improve strangers. Taking a stab at the Gorean lifestyle will not justify your attachments that make you and those around you unhappy. Therapy will.

I am sorry that your own desires make you and yours unhappy. I am sorry that you can’t fix it in a thread on the internet. You have some issues, get a new therapist that is kink aware.

Good luck and get well.

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RE: 24/7 - Gorean, Is it really what I'm looking for? - 6/3/2012 2:37:31 AM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: halberd388

Hey Des,

I have talked to a sex counselor (the person I know who told me to seek out others who think about these things), hence why I'm here, he said that even though I have some emotional issues they aren't too serious and I need a good outlet for my thoughts with people that will either try to understand or will understand.

I laid out everything with him, from my sexual abuse as a child, rough sex, thoughts of control and 'daddying' women... etc. I was reassure I wasn't nuts or had any mental disorder, just emotionally damaged and needed a place to cope. To talk things out, not be offended if I thought people were trying to 'belittle me' as the phrase I use, and try to understand if this is something I really want... or if I just need a relationship with a woman who understands me for who I am and accepts that sometimes I'll need to talk to her about my wild thoughts and work through it.

So a sex counselor told you that being abused as a child was not a serious issue? Really? I repeat what I said the first time...you need to find a psychotherapist. Being sexually abused as a child IS a serious issue, and it really is pretty obvious that many of your sexual issues (especially wanting to have the "power" and feeling inadequate) stem from your childhood trauma.

As for the sex counselor, I wouldn't go back to him, nor would I ask him for the names of qualified psychotherapists, it's obvious he wouldn't know.

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RE: 24/7 - Gorean, Is it really what I'm looking for? - 6/3/2012 8:28:57 AM

DesFIP

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Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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It isn't a sex issue, so why you went to a sex therapist escapes me. This is about your whole life issues, and whether or not one sex therapist thought you needed help isn't the deciding factor. The fact that every one of your relationships has been bad and most of them involve you making other people feel creeped out is what matters. Go to a regular therapist, get tested, get help.

But as long as you do not view women as people, but as objects for you to use, women (including those of us who like being controlled) will continue to view you as a creep. And women do not form relationships with creeps.

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RE: 24/7 - Gorean, Is it really what I'm looking for? - 6/3/2012 3:31:53 PM

JeffBC

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Well, I lost my longer response but I'm going to agree with some others here. This sounds like a question of poor technique and/or poor goals so you're failing to gain obedience. At least in my world, it goes something like this...

respect -> trust -> authority -> control

If I take short cuts then things go poorly. In addition, the control that I wield, both in and out of my marriage, is carefully designed to benefit those I'm controlling and I go to lengths to make sure they know that. In other words, the reason people choose to follow me is that following me accomplishes their own goals and they know that. Instead of resenting the control they are appreciative of it.

Making changes to someone requires substantially more respect and trust than making them do something. But again, if you have the chips to pay up, you can mold and shape people to your will and they will not resent it.

Good luck.

~Jeff

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I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
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RE: 24/7 - Gorean, Is it really what I'm looking for? - 6/5/2012 1:15:59 AM

WitchDoctor61

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Joined: 9/22/2010
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As a real life Gorean Master since 1998 and having read over half of those horribly written boring books I can honestly say that no way on Earth ( or Gor for that matter ) would you cut it on any Gorean community. The second you put you hands on a kajira that didn't belong to you it would be very ugly. By looking at your state of mind (psychology was my minor in college so I have a degree that makes me qualified to make this evaluation) you should seek professional help ASAP. Keeping you as far away from any woman is something that should be done yesterday. Gor is about the kajirae serving and pleasing the free as ordered by their Master. Kajirae's feelings, thoughts, and desires are not important only what the Master feels, thinks, and desires. You trying to renew your idea of self worth in a woman because she doesn't it your belief is as far from Gor as Earth is from Alpha Centauri. If you showed up in my area claiming to be a Gorean Master with only the newb credentials you now illustrate you'll be run off after being humiliated beyond your wildest dreams. For the love of anything good do not ever claimto be Gorean in any way because I assure you, what comes back at you will not be pretty and you will look even more retarded than you made yourself already look.

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RE: 24/7 - Gorean, Is it really what I'm looking for? - 6/5/2012 1:49:11 AM

Kirata

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WitchDoctor61

Kajirae's feelings, thoughts, and desires are not important only what the Master feels, thinks, and desires.

I think I covered this here: http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=4133039

He looked on her intently. He studied her... She turned her head to one side, her wrists secured in many turns of the binding fiber... on earth many men did not even know their wives... Never, truly had they seen them. But a Gorean Master will know every inch, and care for every inch, of one of his slave girls. He will know every hair, every sweet blemish of her.

In a way she is nothing to him, for she is only a slave. But in another way she is very important to him. She is one of his women. He will know her. He will want to know her completely, every inch of her body, every inch of her mind. Nothing less will satisfy him.

She is his property. He will choose to know his property thoroughly.

~Hunters

K.

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RE: 24/7 - Gorean, Is it really what I'm looking for? - 6/5/2012 1:49:17 AM

WitchDoctor61

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OMG it posted me as vanilla can someone tell me how to change that plz?

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RE: 24/7 - Gorean, Is it really what I'm looking for? - 6/5/2012 1:58:52 AM

Kirata

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WitchDoctor61

OMG it posted me as vanilla can someone tell me how to change that plz?

You're stuck with it for a while, I'm afraid.

See here: Forum Rankings

K.

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RE: 24/7 - Gorean, Is it really what I'm looking for? - 6/5/2012 2:44:00 AM

Arturas

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I've pasted the body of your OP as I saw it...

quote:

When I am in a relationship, without THINKING or knowing what I'm doing I tend to control my girlfriends (and ex-fiances) to the point of creeping them out. I tell them how I feel about them and instead of being pleased they are normally creeped out that I think of them as 'mine' and 'belonging to me'... but the word love is just too small, I feel I should protect them and guide them... that's more than what someone who loves you does in my opinion.

quote:

So my question is... am I really a dom as I was told by the sex therapist years ago or am I just socially awkward and need to learn better self control over how I think?

They (you girlfriends) are creeped out because you as well as Doms and Goreans must earn your place rather than take it. Learning better self control over how you think (and therefore how you act) is the first step. This will give you a way of thinking that will gain you substance. This substance gains you confidence. Both earn you the place you then deserve and you and your girlfriend reap the rewards. "Be a man and she will be a woman".

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RE: 24/7 - Gorean, Is it really what I'm looking for? - 6/5/2012 2:53:47 AM

WitchDoctor61

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Kirata thanks for the link to the forum rankings. I had a shit fit when it showed me as vanilla.

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RE: 24/7 - Gorean, Is it really what I'm looking for? - 6/5/2012 2:58:57 AM

Kirata

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WitchDoctor61

Kirata thanks for the link to the forum rankings. I had a shit fit when it showed me as vanilla.

I hear ya. I had the same reaction. But it will only be there for your first 24 posts.

I kinda rushed my way through them to get rid of it. Heh.

K.

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RE: 24/7 - Gorean, Is it really what I'm looking for? - 6/5/2012 4:30:08 AM

crazyml

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WitchDoctor61

Kirata thanks for the link to the forum rankings. I had a shit fit when it showed me as vanilla.

Surely it didn't bother you enough to actually shit yourself over it?

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Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

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RE: 24/7 - Gorean, Is it really what I'm looking for? - 6/7/2012 12:25:26 AM

FrankAr

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sock ???

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RE: 24/7 - Gorean, Is it really what I'm looking for? - 6/7/2012 12:27:17 AM

Musicmystery