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Proprietrix -> RE: two worlds of trust (6/9/2006 10:19:59 AM)
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(Fast reply)
I’m not sure what responses you were looking for here, (although I would guess it is to receive validation of yourself, especially since you made a call for support via announcing your yahoo group) but I can provide my personal beliefs and where I stand on the topic of cheating.
I will not become involved with a cheating spouse for several reasons.
One of those main reasons is that I believe a cheating spouse lacks integrity. And this is exactly what justifies me in saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater." If you lack integrity on one playing field, there is nothing that will make me believe you will hold steadfast to integrity on any other playing field.
You explained why you have a double set of standards, why you stepped out on a relationship, why you lie. To me, the why isn’t as important as the fact that you live by an ethical code in which these actions are justified. That speaks to your character as a whole. It tells me you are someone who is willing to compromise integrity in certain situations. It also tells me that you are someone who lacks courage. You are so comfortable with your marital status quo that you are unwilling to rock the boat for the sake of honesty. It tells me that you are selfish and willing to engage in trickery to get what you want, regardless of who you have to deceive to get it.
I am looking for partners who are steadfast in their integrity and not willing to set it aside for personal gain.
Another reason I will not become involved with a cheater is the effect that it has on all parties involved. You have shown the effects it has on you, as the cheater. And many people are well aware of the effects it can have on the spouse who is being cheated on. But many times it goes overlooked the effects it has on the 3rd party, the "other woman", which is what I would be.
If I become involved with a man who is cheating on his wife, I’m automatically expected to sacrifice many things. I have to go into the relationship knowing that I can never consider a physical commitment. He may or may not cease sexual and intimate relationships with his wife. I can never expect him to move in with me and become a member of my household. He may or may not be available when I need him. I can’t rest assured of his availability, because I will always come second to his responsibilities to his spouse, his home, his kids, his job, or whatever obligations he already has in place that he cannot waiver on. I will have to accept that I am a "dirty little secret" and that, even though I personally am not cheating on anyone, I have to hide certain actions, take precautions about where I go and who I am seen with.
A lot of those things are sacrifices I’m just not willing to make for the sake of a casual partner. And it would be a casual partner for precisely the reasons I named above (no deep commitment, no 24/7, no live-in, no hope of this progressing, etc..) Why should I limit my choices, and lower my values for a cheater and a liar, when I could simply go find a partner who is honest and forthright in the first place?
I know a woman who is involved with a married man, and the things I see her lower herself to are astounding to me. Ducking down in the back seat. Getting a baby-sitter so they can have anonymous meet-ups at a hotel. Using certain ring-tones to know who is calling. Using cryptic codes to exchange emails so wifey doesn’t catch on. And the lies… the constant lies and cover-ups. "He’s going to tell his wife that he is fishing with the guys." Putting someone else on the phone to confirm the lies. Dragging other people into the cover-ups. Deceit after deceit. And she walks away from it all saying "I don’t know why I continue to see him. I love him, but I know that we’ll never have anything more than what we have now."
It seems like you are trying to say "I lie, but I am not a liar. I cheat, but I am not a cheater. I’ve been unfaithful, but I am not an unfaithful person. I deceive, but I am not deceitful."
It can’t be both ways. You can’t cheat, lie, deceive, and be unfaithful, but then turn around and say that you are trustworthy, loyal, and honest. It’s not just a double-standard. It’s contradictory. It’s just another lie in your huge pot of dishonesty.
No one can act like an asshole and expect to be treated like a person of strong character.
I can say I’m a non-smoker all day long, but the fact that I’m smoking proves otherwise.
Actions speak louder than words. Especially about integrity.
As for judging, I absolutely hold the right to do so. It is what keeps me safe and happy in my own relationships. I judge pedophiles. I judge murderers. I judge assholes. I judge cheaters. I am not about to start walking around with my head in cloud nine with this "don’t judge others" attitude, giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, regardless of their immoral actions. I judge others so that I can determine whether or not it’s safe and smart to open my doors and heart to them. One judgment that I have made in life is that cheaters are liars and liars are hurtful. Since I don’t want hurt, I don’t open my doors to cheaters. Every time we "size someone up" for a relationship, we are judging whether or not they fit our set of standards.
I think people may be confusing "making assumptions about someone" as "judging them". I’m not assuming that cheaters are liars. They have flat out told me they are lying. I don’t assume to know how or why or when or where they lied. Frankly, I don’t care. All I care about is the fact that they are a liar and a cheater by their own admission. And yes, I’m going to judge them by that. My judgment goes far enough to say "I see you as harmful and therefor you are not welcome in my emotional realm." What they do or don’t do after that is not my business.
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