How has your relationship shaped your kink?

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How has your relationship shaped your kink? - 7/31/2012 5:17:55 PM

sheisreeds

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I've seen this come up a bit in a few threads, and I've been thinking about it a lot.

My BDSM interests and practices today are so different than what they were prior to having a committed kinky relationship. The further down this rabbit hole I go, the more our kink becomes about us, versus what BDSM interests and experiences we brought into the relationship.

I have changed and grown in all those good ole relationship ways. My partner and I have developed that trust, and that love. We have a sense of safety and commitment to one another. It sounds like many people have that or had that with their partner(s).

Some brain storm questions:

How has that trust and love that so greatly impacts your daily "vanilla" life impacted your kink?

Do you reach deeper places psychologically? Is the focus of your thoughts and devious plans now automatically on your partner?

Are there kinks you've gained through the relationship? Are there ones you've given up?

Where does the depth of the relationship allow you to go from a BDSM standpoint?

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RE: How has your relationship shaped your kink? - 7/31/2012 6:21:49 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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quote:

How has that trust and love that so greatly impacts your daily "vanilla" life impacted your kink?

hhmm...I guess in that it allows me to be completely transparent to him and allows me to just be and nothing else. I don't have to feel as if I'm walking on eggshells around him.

quote:

Do you reach deeper places psychologically? Is the focus of your thoughts and devious plans now automatically on your partner?

I don't really think it's the kink that makes us reach deeper places psychologically. It's more about the love and integrity and his personality in general that puts me in a deeper place. The kink for me is just kink.

quote:

Are there kinks you've gained through the relationship? Are there ones you've given up?

I've gained a truly wonderful man and I can't really think of any kinks I gained. I was owned before in real life 24/7 for 4 years and he was a sadist as well and so I experienced most everything I can think of with him except maybe Master's ideas of red hot pokers and sharp, scarey things in places that are just soooo wrong.

I gave up my kinks years ago. Now I just adapt to the relationship I'm in. My kink is simply his power. That doesn't change no matter who I would have chosen for a partner.

quote:

Where does the depth of the relationship allow you to go from a BDSM standpoint?

Anywhere I guess but I don't really see our life together through a bdsm standpoint but through the eyes of a relationship. What I like in bdsm is the same stuff I have always had with my partners in the past, whether they were bdsm or vanilla, whether it was my husband or my previous Dom or Master...power, control. I've always felt that my romantic long term relationships were deeper. Although my husband and I had never heard about bdsm, we still had a very traditional relationship of man of house and the "little woman" of the house. My love for him was tremendous and just as deep as the one I have with Master. I mean, I have a child to my husband and we were childhood sweethearts so I just can't say that bdsm somehow makes my relationships deeper. It's the synergy and attraction. If we're talking about kinky sex though, well my husband and I were young and we liked to party. We did the whole fucking in the back of a greyhound bus full of sailors as we all went to Rush St. in Chicago lol, we played with toys, spankings, etc...but for us we just saw it as two young, active, wild youngsters have fun. I mean, I lost my virginity to the man while tied up to a tree in the woods lol.

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RE: How has your relationship shaped your kink? - 7/31/2012 11:37:20 PM

RaspberryLemon

Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
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For my Master and me, it was always only ever about us. I was a complete virgin before him and had no concept of BDSM (or even just "normal" sex) at all. What we are and what we have just developed organically as a reaction to each other and as synergy between us as individuals.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sheisreeds
How has that trust and love that so greatly impacts your daily "vanilla" life impacted your kink?

They are one and the same to me. But yes, our mutual trust and love has impacted the way we interact sexually. It developed along the same vein as everything else--he leads, I follow.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sheisreeds
Do you reach deeper places psychologically? Is the focus of your thoughts and devious plans now automatically on your partner?

The deeper psychological places come from our love for each other and the synergistic way we interact, the way we feel just...free to be ourselves with each other. Part of that interaction is the authority dynamic, which I think does deepen our bond quite a bit.

My sexual focus was automatically on him from the start.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sheisreeds
Are there kinks you've gained through the relationship? Are there ones you've given up?

All of my "kinks" were gained through this relationship. He basically created my sexuality. It is a direct reflection/reaction to his.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sheisreeds
Where does the depth of the relationship allow you to go from a BDSM standpoint?

Not sure I understand this question.

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RE: How has your relationship shaped your kink? - 8/1/2012 10:10:34 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sheisreeds
Some brain storm questions:

How has that trust and love that so greatly impacts your daily "vanilla" life impacted your kink?

On the surface, this particular question seems more tailored to the s side of the kneel. That's not necessarily true. I don't know if it's about vanilla life so much. I know we've built a trust where My sadism is ok. The part of Me that says I want to grab you by the throat, slam you against the wall, and I consider that foreplay? Yeah. That takes trust.
[color]

quote:

Do you reach deeper places psychologically? Is the focus of your thoughts and devious plans now automatically on your partner?

Emotional sadism, yes. I don't mess around with that kind of play casually. All of My devious plans, though? No, I can't say that. I've got this one play partner that is awesome for the physical, take the pain aspects. He actually does turn Me on in a certain way.

quote:

Are there kinks you've gained through the relationship? Are there ones you've given up?

Gained? Oh hell, yes! The stuff that is only right (for Me) in a committed dynamic. I don't do blood play on a casual level. On his side, three of the hard limits that he had when I first got him have been conquered. We were able to reach the point in the bond where he could let them go.

I didn't give anything up. Every once in a while, yeah, I miss the cuckolding thing. I do that by choice. I wouldn't trade it for being poly. Do I still have the right? Most certainly. I just see it as counterproductive.

quote:

Where does the depth of the relationship allow you to go from a BDSM standpoint?

I don't know if there is anyplace I wouldn't be allowed to go. Oh, I know that some of this shit he does just because it turns Me on and doesn't necessarily to anything for him. If nothing else, his obedience about My kinks turns Me on and he's willing to lay himself down for that for Me. What else can a sadist ask for?

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RE: How has your relationship shaped your kink? - 8/1/2012 3:33:13 PM

sheisreeds

Posts: 578
Joined: 7/8/2008
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quote:

How has that trust and love that so greatly impacts your daily "vanilla" life impacted your kink?

Just like my sense of day to day familiarity and home is him, the same is true with the kink. For us sometimes we have to watch becoming too complacent. When we are in an active grove with heavy play (it seems to be a cycle for us), everything just fits. Just like we get better everyday at being together and all that other stuff in life the kink gets better to. It's smarter, more intimate, deeper, and for us often edgier.

quote:

Do you reach deeper places psychologically?

Yes, and places I wouldn't allow anyone else to go. Also, interestingly we went through a period where things that other people could do without evoking a deep psychological response, did within our relationship. This time I was playing with someone I loved, so some teasing and humiliation play that wouldn't have aroused deep feelings before did bring up those responses because my emotions are deeply entangled with him. I would say I probably caused the same for him. We have gone through times as our bond was deepening that we were both much more sensitive. Though we have both gotten closer emotionally through those experiences and thus reach deeper places.

quote:

Is the focus of your thoughts and devious plans now automatically on your partner?

At this point I couldn't even imagine playing with someone else, any kind of play that for any reason we wouldn't engage in together ceases to interest me.

quote:

Are there kinks you've gained through the relationship?

I don't know that gained is the word, but the same interests have proliferated. We were both into the concepts, we've gained a lot of courage from one another. We went from wrestling, to fighting, to fighting with impact weapons. On the same token we both had an interest in knives, now we own a ton and fight with them too. A lot isn't new, it is just uncovered.

I also didn't realize how much of a fucking sadist I was prior to being in this relationship, really, had no clue, I was starting to go there, and had no clue just how far I would go.

quote:

Are there ones you've given up?

I really thought I loved rope, but we're to ADHD for that. And we don't really care.

It is odd having given up my more submissive side, but my masochist one is fairly well maintained. As a day to day default I'm the dominant and he's the sadist. I figure out what's for dinner and what we're doing, while he does terrible things to me. It works for us. As an I'm on call this week (crisis mental health), I had him babysit my phone while I was taking a bath, when I get out he told me "Someone called but I told them you were busy." He's an evil bastard. He's still laughing about the fact that even though I knew he was messing with me I had to run check my phone and have my stomach drop and have the thought "one of my clients is bleeding out on the floor because my boyfriend is an asshole". And as I read this to him he says outloud to himself "I'm the best boyfriend ever".

quote:

Where does the depth of the relationship allow you to go from a BDSM standpoint?

Deeper everyday. I'm excited because we're heading into one of our crazy cycles again, and it's gonna rock I don't know what's gonna happen or what we're going to do. But it'll be awesomeer than last time.

_____________________________

~ s.

Oh my darling, give me reason
give me something to believe in

You need a spankin' baby!

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RE: How has your relationship shaped your kink? - 8/1/2012 5:46:16 PM

RemoteUser

Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
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My kink is only impacted by what she and I want. We have both tried things in our respective pasts, that we wouldn't do now together because it just doesn't match up with what we are, together.

I always focus on my partner. What else matters? Will I go deeper places with her? Time will tell, and the key is still how we are together.

I haven't gained any kinks, although I practice one more than I used to (that's not a complaint! - merely an acknowledgement). I haven't lost anything because we haven't done everything yet. When we do, we might say 'no' to each other along the way for this and that, but again - it's all about how we are together.

(Sensing a theme? Good.)

We will go wherever I please and as far as she is comfortable, because it's about us.

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RE: How has your relationship shaped your kink? - 8/1/2012 10:47:45 PM

sunsfire

Posts: 18
Joined: 7/25/2012
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quote:

How has that trust and love that so greatly impacts your daily "vanilla" life impacted your kink?

Do you reach deeper places psychologically? Is the focus of your thoughts and devious plans now automatically on your partner?

Are there kinks you've gained through the relationship? Are there ones you've given up?

Where does the depth of the relationship allow you to go from a BDSM standpoint?

1. i would think that as your trust/love in Him grows you allow him to push your limits farther and farther.
2. i believe that we do go deeper and deeper into our own psyche in true subspace. True subspace is a place of complete selflessness. If you think about being truly selfless it makes you change psychologically. If every thought you have, you stopped for a second and thought to yourself: "is this going to benefit me or the person i am dealing with?" And i dont mean just in D/s relationships, i mean with every person you meet in life. THAT, to me, is the definition of true selflessness. With that said, the second part of the question: yes i think your focus would automatically become His complete responsibility. Am i saying that we have to become His "slave" with no rights or choices? No, absolutely not. But i think what we believe to be our rights or choice will change drastically if we become truly selfless within our agreed roles and the amount of time we are going to be in those roles. Example would be: I am a professional working Lady with responsibilties in many areas of my job title. I manage people and budgets, and I have the power to have an influence on many people's life decisions on a daily basis. That is a huge role for a true submissive but I do it with class and style and I believe I do it well. With that said, I have strength and the ability to control the world around me. i CHOSE to give that power over to Him when i am with Him. I am 2 different people entirely. Thats true subspace.
3. i believe that would be a yes for both roles. D and s. This is a relationship that must be built on trust. Of course, to devlop that trust means having to give in to some of the limits of the sub for the D role and having to give up a few soft, or maybe even hard limits for the s role. Its about giving.
4. i guess i should point to question 2 response and not rant anymore LOL. i believe it takes you to a deeep very very very deeep place emotionally.

thanks for listening to the ramblings of a woman seeking herself out again. *hugs*

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RE: How has your relationship shaped your kink? - 8/2/2012 6:32:30 AM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
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quote:

How has that trust and love that so greatly impacts your daily "vanilla" life impacted your kink?

Actually, I would say that the love that infuses our kink as impacted our nilla life far more than the other way around

quote:

Do you reach deeper places psychologically? Is the focus of your thoughts and devious plans now automatically on your partner?

.
Yes. No, but I'm a self centered sociopathic prick, so that's no shock

quote:

Are there kinks you've gained through the relationship? Are there ones you've given up?

Needles!

quote:

Where does the depth of the relationship allow you to go from a BDSM standpoint?

The trust enables anything and everything

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RE: How has your relationship shaped your kink? - 8/2/2012 7:34:33 AM

sunshinemiss