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limits... how to express them accurately - 8/11/2012 1:46:09 PM

babyvisionary

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Joined: 1/30/2012
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i've had many wonderful conversations and chats on this site. mostly had great experiences- but lately, when i'm asked about my limits, a fair and expected question, my first answer is my one hard limit- no intercourse, then there are the minor ones. my reason for no intercourse is because i don't sleep around. as i understand the question regarding limits- it's not for ever and ever- it's for when we first meet and until i am comfortable enough to change that limit. so Many are telling me that They could NEVER be with someone who would deny Them that- to which i usually reply, ok- then i'm not for You. but They are getting so pushy about the issue... am i not understanding the question correctly? am i not answering it correctly? i don't use intercourse as a way to get acquainted with One... to me, it's not mine to give away... when i belong to the right One, it will be His. i would appreciate some insights and assistance answering this question when it arises, thank You.

Post #: 1

RE: limits... how to express them accurately - 8/11/2012 1:54:06 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

Ignore, block and delete the ones that don't match what you want/need. ANd be wary of the ones that DO agree in text. Follow your gut.

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Post #: 2

RE: limits... how to express them accurately - 8/11/2012 1:59:23 PM

AVegasMaster

Posts: 119
Joined: 8/2/2010
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State you limits honestly. If The DOM does not understand, move on.

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Post #: 3

RE: limits... how to express them accurately - 8/11/2012 2:09:37 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

I would file what you describe under a soft limit. Soft limits are things that may change based on who I'm with, what our dynamic is and how I feel about the person I'm with. Hard limits are things that aren't ever going to change regardless of who I'm with.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 8/11/2012 2:14:50 PM >

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Post #: 4

RE: limits... how to express them accurately - 8/11/2012 2:15:19 PM

Baroana

Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
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It's pretty stupid to describe intercourse as a hard limit and then not explain what you mean by that.

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Post #: 5

RE: limits... how to express them accurately - 8/11/2012 2:25:01 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You might consider joining local groups and exploring play in public. Most clubs don't allow intercourse.

Personally I've never understand how it's okay to give a guy a bj, but not have penetrative sex. For me, they're both sexual acts and if I'm not ready for one, then I'm not ready for the other.

I'd just tell them that you aren't having sex until you feel that you're in a committed relationship and that you will decide when you feel sufficiently committed to do so. And if they prefer not to risk three months or so dating you just to discover it isn't working, that you fully understand and wish them good luck.

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RE: limits... how to express them accurately - 8/11/2012 2:27:03 PM

SacredDepravity

Posts: 270
Joined: 8/6/2012
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I would treat it like a newspaper article or a book report in grade school:

Who may do these things? Anyone I'm in a long term relationship with, everyone, no one?

What do I mean when I say *fillinthekinkystuff*? When you say, for example, bondage, when does it become bondage? Being pinned down by hand, if rope or chain is involved, when hanging from the ceiling on a hook?

When do you want it done? Does it start your engine running, enticed you as things ramp up, signal the climax or end of a scene?

Where are you willing to do it? Only in private, only with plenty of witnesses, only at home, only at a club, only at small play parties?

Why is it as above mentioned? I had a bad experience, I had a great experience, I have never done it before, I haven't done it often enough to be sure?

How do you like it done? Not at all, as often and as intensely as possible, gently and I might be able to handle it, ease into doing it so I can conquer fear or adapt in some other way, only on the left side, only on the right side, only on the front of the body, the back of the body, only to the degree it doesn't leave marks, I want a lot of marks, I want marks but not in thus and so area because?

If this level of explanation doesn't clarify things significantly either you can't communicate or the dominant is a dippity dom.

It's back to school season. What can I say?

SD

(in reply to Baroana)

Post #: 7

RE: limits... how to express them accurately - 8/11/2012 2:31:48 PM

BambiBoi

Posts: 461
Joined: 8/10/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Baroana

It's pretty stupid to describe intercourse as a hard limit and then not explain what you mean by that.

Or... said differently and with less brevity...

It does not seem accurate that intercourse is a hard limit for you, the way the majority thinks of hard limits. Hard limits are concepts we state we will never do, and engaging in them is an instant deal breaker. Common hard limits include minors, death, permanent disfigurement, animals, blood, scat, etc. Even these can be talked about and renegotiated in time, but the assumption at the outset is that they are OFF THE TABLE FOREVER. And if you need them on the table, then I'm not right for you.

I believe I understand you correctly, Visionary, but please correct me if I'm wrong:
You are willing to engage in intercourse once you feel comfortable and the time is right. You don't sleep around, and this is a big step in the relationship for you. Potential dominants should not expect to be having sex on the first few dates because that's not going to happen.

There's nothing wrong with waiting to have sex. In vanilla relationships it is rather expected. That can easily be addressed by saying "Please know that I'm more traditional when it comes to how well I need to know a person before we have intercourse."

If I'm wrong and you never want sex in your BDSM, that's fine. But because that is quite different from many dynamics you may be better off explaining that more clearly.

Edited to be less snarky. I've been working on that. +1 point.

< Message edited by BambiBoi -- 8/11/2012 2:52:46 PM >

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Post #: 8

RE: limits... how to express them accurately - 8/11/2012 2:45:40 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

I don't think I've mentioned this Bambi but I'm really liking your posts. Thanks for contributing to these boards.

To the OP: What BB said.

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Post #: 9

RE: limits... how to express them accurately - 8/11/2012 3:08:00 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

I don't think I've mentioned this Bambi but I'm really liking your posts. Thanks for contributing to these boards.

To the OP: What BB said.

I concur, Bambi gives good post and has a great avatar. I personally am so very jealous of the outfit.

Ahem, as to limits. If you have sex, then sex is not *really* a limit. I do think it's a great idea to give serious thought as to what you are willing to do when, though. SD made some wonderful points about that.

As a dominant, I tend to go very slow, and it doesn't matter how much experience they have, how much pain they want, etc. (I'm sure they would say excruciatingly slow.) I do that b/c I consider it my responsibility to be very attune to their reactions, and I can't know that the first or even third time out of the gate.

This is fairly typical of a good, responsible dominant who's not after quick pussy or a fast beat scene.

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Post #: 10

RE: limits... how to express them accurately - 8/11/2012 3:21:11 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

FR
Soft limits vs Hard limits

To me, a soft limit means that in the right circumstance it may be broach-able and something that could be explored depending on the situation and relationship I am in.
It's edges are malleable.
It might be a Maybe... .

A hard limit is typically immovable with rigid edges.
It is a NO zone.

Having one's hard limits crossed is a serious violation.

Sometimes over the course of a relationship and personal evolution a limit that was once hard may be moved into the soft limit category.

< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 8/11/2012 3:25:56 PM >

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Post #: 11

RE: limits... how to express them accurately - 8/11/2012 3:29:53 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: babyvisionary

i've had many wonderful conversations and chats on this site. mostly had great experiences- but lately, when i'm asked about my limits, a fair and expected question, my first answer is my one hard limit- no intercourse, then there are the minor ones. my reason for no intercourse is because i don't sleep around. as i understand the question regarding limits- it's not for ever and ever- it's for when we first meet and until i am comfortable enough to change that limit. so Many are telling me that They could NEVER be with someone who would deny Them that- to which i usually reply, ok- then i'm not for You. but They are getting so pushy about the issue... am i not understanding the question correctly? am i not answering it correctly? i don't use intercourse as a way to get acquainted with One... to me, it's not mine to give away... when i belong to the right One, it will be His. i would appreciate some insights and assistance answering this question when it arises, thank You.

You might want to put something surprising and game-changing like "No Intercourse. Hard Limit." in your profile, so potential play partners see what they are getting into from the outset. Frankly, this isn't an unusual limit, because there are a lot of married women who have additional play partners, either as dom or sub, and sex is often off the menu. If you are waiting to bring it up, that's going to cause problems. It's a bit like someone saying they are trans. Sure, they have the "right" to wait a long time before informing other people, but if they want to minimize hostile reactions, it's probably better to say something right away, and only to flirt with the people who are accepting of the situation.

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Post #: 12

RE: limits... how to express them accurately - 8/11/2012 3:42:57 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
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Not wanting sex is not limited to females - I've had a number of male play partners who just wanted to beat me and never brought up sex.

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Post #: 13

RE: limits... how to express them accurately - 8/11/2012 3:43:22 PM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SacredDepravity

I would treat it like a newspaper article or a book report in grade school:

Who may do these things? Anyone I'm in a long term relationship with, everyone, no one?

What do I mean when I say *fillinthekinkystuff*? When you say, for example, bondage, when does it become bondage? Being pinned down by hand, if rope or chain is involved, when hanging from the ceiling on a hook?

When do you want it done? Does it start your engine running, enticed you as things ramp up, signal the climax or end of a scene?

Where are you willing to do it? Only in private, only with plenty of witnesses, only at home, only at a club, only at small play parties?

Why is it as above mentioned? I had a bad experience, I had a great experience, I have never done it before, I haven't done it often enough to be sure?

How do you like it done? Not at all, as often and as intensely as possible, gently and I might be able to handle it, ease into doing it so I can conquer fear or adapt in some other way, only on the left side, only on the right side, only on the front of the body, the back of the body, only to the degree it doesn't leave marks, I want a lot of marks, I want marks but not in thus and so area because?

If this level of explanation doesn't clarify things significantly either you can't communicate or the dominant is a dippity dom.

It's back to school season. What can I say?

SD

A+

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Post #: 14

RE: limits... how to express them accurately - 8/11/2012 3:53:33 PM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

Maybe I'm really needing coffee (that actually is true), but I'm reading this completely differently. She's wanting to play baseball with a bunch of soccer players.

It sounds to me like they are wanting a little whoopie doo, and she's wanting the complete package.

OP: Are you talking to guys who just want a little fun while you are looking for a relationship? If that is the case, perhaps your approach or where you are meeting... or SOMETHING is off. Why are you attracting this particular level of man?

Look, I"m a very flirtatious gal. I love the tease and the smiles and the cooing. It makes me feel beautiful and feminine. HOWEVER, I'm always careful to NOT do that with married men unless I'm around his wife, and I engage her in light-hearted and fun conversation as well. They KNOW I'm not interested in their husbands. The men don't get the idea that I'm trying to tempt them either. If the man is single, well, all bets are off, and look out honey! You had better be ready cause a storm is about to blow your way! The method I use makes sure that it is clear I'm not interested in an affair. If I'm around a man who does not interest me, I will often flirt but suggest to him another woman who might be his particular cup of tea. I get the joy of the flirt without the need to explain that, no I'm not actually interested.

Perhaps you might look at how you are handling your interactions to see what impression you are giving that has created this situation.

Good luck to you,
sunshine

(I am evidently metaphor-happy this morning. Or are those similes? Either way - using one thing to flesh out another).

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Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

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Post #: 15

RE: limits... how to express them accurately - 8/11/2012 3:54:05 PM

SacredDepravity

Posts: 270
Joined: 8/6/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

quote:

ORIGINAL: SacredDepravity

I would treat it like a newspaper article or a book report in grade school:

Who may do these things? Anyone I'm in a long term relationship with, everyone, no one?

What do I mean when I say *fillinthekinkystuff*? When you say, for example, bondage, when does it become bondage? Being pinned down by hand, if rope or chain is involved, when hanging from the ceiling on a hook?

When do you want it done? Does it start your engine running, enticed you as things ramp up, signal the climax or end of a scene?

Where are you willing to do it? Only in private, only with plenty of witnesses, only at home, only at a club, only at small play parties?

Why is it as above mentioned? I had a bad experience, I had a great experience, I have never done it before, I haven't done it often enough to be sure?

How do you like it done? Not at all, as often and as intensely as possible, gently and I might be able to handle it, ease into doing it so I can conquer fear or adapt in some other way, only on the left side, only on the right side, only on the front of the body, the back of the body, only to the degree it doesn't leave marks, I want a lot of marks, I want marks but not in thus and so area because?

If this level of explanation doesn't clarify things significantly either you can't communicate or the dominant is a dippity dom.

It's back to school season. What can I say?

SD

A+

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 16

RE: limits... how to express them accurately - 8/11/2012 4:00:41 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

so basically you want a traditional relationship with all the wooing, seduction and waiting. Nothing at all wrong with that. It's what Master and I have and how we met. You just need to put that in your profile and make it clear. I don't find anything at all with what you want.

The problem is you are responding to boys who are just looking for an easy lay and I hate to tell ya but the majority are of this type on here. You just need to weed out those who are more compatible with what you seek. I wouldn't put what you want as a limit. I would just say what I said above...seeking a traditional courting, long term, loving relationship where you want to wait to have sex until you feel you both are what each is seeking.

Good luck.

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Everything has changed

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Post #: 17

RE: limits... how to express them accurately - 8/11/2012 4:05:53 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

OP: Are you talking to guys who just want a little fun while you are looking for a relationship? If that is the case, perhaps your approach or where you are meeting... or SOMETHING is off. Why are you attracting this particular level of man?

All I need to do to attract them is have a profile. I spend a lot of time screening them out. The first indicator is if their profile and/or initial messages are entirely kink.

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Post #: 18

RE: limits... how to express them accurately - 8/11/2012 5:09:18 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

This needs clarification. While you say intercourse is a hard limit, you really mean that intercourse on the first date is a hard limit.

If a prospective can't live with that, move on. But of they think that you're saying no intercourse EVER, there's a misunderstanding issue.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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Post #: 19

RE: limits... how to express them accurately - 8/11/2012 5:25:27 PM

SacredDepravity

Posts: 270
Joined: 8/6/2012
Status: offline

And if we aren't clear on what she means here, then how could a prospective dom be either?

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 20

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