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Scene Management - 8/13/2012 9:11:26 PM

SacredDepravity

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I am talking over doing a session with Dom/sub couple and am a little concerned that the scene is too advanced for us at this juncture. We are new to each other and are taking careful steps getting to know each other. While it remains to be seen, the way things are going I am fairly certain this has the potential to be a lot more than a one time deal.

My question has a lot to do with headspace. The scene he has proposed, as I see it, would require me to occupy both dominant and submissive roles at the same time. Dominant to her and submissive to him (not as in secondary dominant to her). Both sides would be active at the same time. Additionally, since we are new to each other, while we are doing much groundwork and negotiation, I have concerns of getting caught up in one role or the other and the consequence of doing so. If I get lost in the submissive side of things, there is the potential that someone will get hurt since he might have no idea that is happening and thus is solely responsible for a session we were supposed to both be safeguarding. At the same time, if I go too far into the dominant side, I risk missing cues from him to direct me as needed. I don't think I'd have the same problem in a co-dominant (but clearly secondary) situation. I also am afraid that in so doing either, I could damage their relationship by breeding jealousy that was never an intended outcome.

I think we will most likely simply adjust the scene to something a little more basic at least at first. I would still like the insights of others in how they have handled situations like this in the past and whether or not they enjoyed the experience. Any technical advice would be greatly appreciated. I am sure we will try this at some point and may as well do my homework now. Thanks!

SD

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RE: Scene Management - 8/13/2012 9:30:12 PM

BambiBoi

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Being both top and bottom at once is my favorite form of play. You smell like you've never done it before. Is that correct?

Firstly, take things slower. Better less and leave them wanting than too much and leave them hurt. (Tip of the hat to Lady Pact). If this is your first time filling both roles, you don't want it to be your first time using new devices. How complex is the scene? If there's so much planning, it sounds like it might be too complex. There's no rush. The first time I was both top and bottom at once was watching a movie int the living room of a couple's home. A Femdom home, she would tell me to make popcorn, bring her pillows, massage her back (all very simple tasks that any person can do). Meanwhile, she also wanted me to top her husband. So I made him into a footrest, had him hold things in his mouth like it was a third hand for me. Simple little things that did not take skill on my part.

Secondly, Communicate these ideas and fears to BOTH sides. You are talking to your dominant and to your sub. It's imperative that they know what might give you a hard time, and if their safety or happiness is at risk.

Lastly, the simple truth is some minds can and some minds cannot. When I am in the middle I don't allow myself to enjoy too much of the power or submission rush. I need to be on my A-game, so its not my place to just let free. I'm like a ref or a coach. It's not hard for me to resist the emotions, what about you? If you're prone to blinding headspace and cum-drunkeness, then maybe you need to take things extra extra slow.

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RE: Scene Management - 8/13/2012 9:39:13 PM

SacredDepravity

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This is my first time playing in both spaces at the same time. It is also the first time I will be dominating a woman. It is also the first time I will be playing with either of them. That alone to my sensibilities tells me to back off significantly. I just opened the dialogue about this with them last night. He seems pretty intent which is a bit of a concern, but I think further elaboration on what makes this difficult might be in order. He's never worked with a switch before, so I don't think he's aware of the mental gymnastics involved.

I know I am walking a fine line and since I have no idea, like you said, whether or not I can handle it, I'd rather save it for when we are more established and can handle a hiccup or two. That's my gut feeling on it and I don't intend to go against it. As far as I am concerned it is a safety thing for everyone involved.

SD

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RE: Scene Management - 8/13/2012 9:51:15 PM

BambiBoi

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As a self proclaimed expert in this narrow field, I'm telling you to follow your gut. That's a lot of big first times to handle all at once. If the couple is not understanding of that I wouldn't worry. You're a female switch. Have heard of unicorns in the BDSM setting? Your are a unicorn, plenty more will want you if this couple refuses to slow things down to where you're comfortable.

Neither of them will fully understand. He is "just domming two women" and she is "just submitting to two people." The mental gymnastics are unique to you. Make them understand. And I emphasize, talk to the submissive more. Remember, you're her domme now.

I don't know anything about the couple, but I can understand why they are excited to try all this out. Would you be more comfortable after a more basic two female sub session with him? I think its important to take this growth in quantum steps like that. Submit to him as a sister to her. Then be dominant to her alone, he can watch and jerk off or something. Would this be your first homosexual experience?

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RE: Scene Management - 8/14/2012 4:50:41 AM

SacredDepravity

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Being with a woman isn't new for me, but it is for her. She wants this experience, but I think it is going to a lot to take in for everyone involved on many different levels. I would be more comfortable either going double sub or double dom. It is specifically hitting both headspaces this early that concerns me most. And you are very right. I need to be having more direct discussion with her. I am fine with the fact that her man is doing the primary work of setting this up for her and a lot of the process needs to be domly business, but I want to get her take on thing and see what excites and concerns her.

I have a good sense from the situation that they will slow things down if I really insist upon it. I learned to trust my gut with this stuff from some hard experiences, so I don't think I am going to violating it again anytime soon. I haven't heard back on my most recent message, but I asked to set up a time to talk with them both in person to see what adjustments would help make this first time more comfortable for all of us. Hopefully they are open to it. If not, I will gallop off into the sunset because that is the best protection for them and myself if they are too anxious to compromise.

SD

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RE: Scene Management - 8/16/2012 11:19:20 AM

kalikshama

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Please don't be insulted but I have to ask - have you met them in person and talked to her directly about what she wants or is he driving it all from online?

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RE: Scene Management - 8/16/2012 3:16:58 PM

SacredDepravity

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We have all met in person. I'm not offended. It's a fair question.

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RE: Scene Management - 8/17/2012 9:00:19 AM

kalikshama

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I'd be uncomfortable scening with someone so attached to his agenda after you explained how aspects of it don't work for you. I'd feel like I was negotiating with someone who was insisting on long periods of kneeling after I told him I have bad knees. There's tons of other stuff to do. Plus this is new to you. Him not willing to be flexible to work up to his complete scenario is a huge red flag.

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RE: Scene Management - 8/17/2012 8:54:32 PM

SacredDepravity

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Fair enough. I am willing to discuss this further with them, but they are really going to have to get rid of some illusions about how this will go if I am going to be participating. I am very aware of the situation on my end, so I am doing my best to communicate that to them. I hope they will understand and compromise. If not, this is not the right fit for me.

SD

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RE: Scene Management - 8/19/2012 5:18:11 PM

kalikshama

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Sounds like a plan! Keep us posted :)

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RE: Scene Management - 10/31/2012 1:55:14 PM

Steelslilbit

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It's been a couple months since the last post on here, I see. I am just recently re-visiting the boards again and I'm intrigued. SacredDepravity, if you are still bouncing around on the boards I wonder if you'd be willing to let us know how the negotiations are going or if anything else has been happening in the mean time. I'm uncertain if I read this right but it sounds like this "dual wielding" would be your first play time with them? Doesn't seem like much help in the 'going slow' department, imo. But my baby steps are always tiny, and for some people that just doesn't work.

Are you still talking to them? Have you done the scene they were wanting? Have you don't anything else since/in the meantime? I'm so curious!

Lil Bit

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RE: Scene Management - 11/24/2012 1:41:38 PM

SacredDepravity

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Forgot all about this thread. While I have spoken to them since, there has been no further discussion of a session and definitely no session. I was pretty clear that I needed to take this slower. This would be my first play with them, my first play in a long time in any kind of dominant role at all, and my first time playing both headspaces at the same time. Waaaay too much for me to get my head around all at once. I guess they will let me know if my terms are agreeable. If so, I will update here. If not, then perhaps another opportunity with someone else will come along eventually.

SD

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