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Fake profiles to search for prospects - 6/10/2006 4:27:26 PM

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I am considering seeking a partner for a specific type of BDSM activities in the coming months (maybe), and if I did, I might use a different profile here or on other BDSM related sites, specifically to not have anyone prejudge me or my fantasies/desires/needs based on my web site. So, how dishonest and unethical is this? If I were to choose to NOT share my web site with a potential sub UNTIL I felt it was a good time, would I be hiding something and not be fair to potential partners?

Have any other bdsm-types ever used different names or profiles online because you didn't want people to read massive amounts of your work and either a) get overwhelmed/intimidated or b) get focussed too much on the one thing that struck them and then get obsessed over it?

Have pro femdoms who have a high profile ever sought personal partners but not used their pro femdom ID, because you knew you'd get massive responses from subs for the fantasy aspect of it, and not as many who really wanted to know you as a person?

There's nothing on my site or anything on my postings and history on the net that I am ashamed of or that is not me; however, I find that if a submissive uses my web site and my combined texts of the last 10 years to develop an impression of me, he focussed ONLY on the kinks he wants/longs for and really sees nothing of the rest of who I am. Besides, it's impossible for someone to have the time to read 10+ years of writing and form an opinion, and it's natural for someone to read what flips their switch and not read the stuff that might be boring or of no interest. The result is a lopsided view of who I am.

Still, I don't like the idea of hiding something that big. I'm wondering if other people have done this and what the results were.

Akasha

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RE: Fake profiles to search for prospects - 6/10/2006 4:33:06 PM

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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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Personally I see nothnig unethical in this because I am sure if you met someone substantial you would disclose these things about yourself. Most of us would not disclose our relationship history, career, and other information when we first contact someone. these things are disclosed over time.. giving it time to know someone is not unethical, as long as you do not lie or misrepresent

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Fake profiles to search for prospects - 6/10/2006 4:38:17 PM

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Joined: 7/17/2005
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It's easy to see why you feel this way, and I can't say I blame you. I've had similarly disappointing experiences Myself in which a prospect becomes fixated on a perceived identity or given specialties. I had taken for granted that New York City is a big city, but the community by large is small. *sigh*

However, I personally wouldn't go incognito to search for a new prospect. The one who respects your identity as a Woman, as a person, and as a Domme on a three-dimensional basis won't give you such problems. Those who limit their involvement to a one-dimensional view of you purely as a Dominant lack the depth and maturity you'd want anyhow, no?

JMO ;)

~Thea

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Fake profiles to search for prospects - 6/10/2006 4:45:48 PM

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I think it really depends on what this specific type of 'need' or activity is.

Generally speaking I think people have a right to keep whatever information they want to themselves. However, there are some things that might bother one person and not another.

For example, if you are going to advertise for an uber-dom to use you, abuse you and totally enslave you then yes, it might pose some problems down the road when your own submissives find this out. Sure, it's all fine and good for people to have both dominant and submissive fantasies (we call them switches) the problem lies in if you choose to hide part of yourself (for any reason) will the other person feel like they've been sold a bill of goods when you decied the time is "right" to reveal your other side to them. Some subs are OK with a top who bottoms as well but others are not. Some might feel like they've been misled and could understandably be hurt by that. It could also tarnish your own reputation if word gets out that you're living a double life, so to speak.

So much depends on what the need or activity is that you are looking to fulfill by advertising with another profile. If you're motivated by greed (i.e. don't want my paying customers knowing because they'll think I'm a fake and stop paying), ego (I'm the king of this castle and my sub only knows what I decide they know and they'll like it!) or insecurity (I'll lose status in the community if people find out I'm a switch) then I think you're playing with fire. It's up to you if you want to take the chance you'll get burned.

Edited to add I'm not assuming you are looking to switch it was just the first example that came to mind so I ran with it. The results could be the same no matter what activities you are looking to partake in.

< Message edited by MsIncognito -- 6/10/2006 4:48:14 PM >

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Fake profiles to search for prospects - 6/10/2006 5:01:00 PM

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I think it all comes down to the seriousness of you intent and only you know that.

All profiles are to some extent false because they are anonymous and personally I would only take someone serious if I had met them anyway.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Fake profiles to search for prospects - 6/10/2006 5:05:58 PM

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Joined: 4/10/2006
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I see no problem at all if your new profile is "selective" of all that you say and know about yourself. If, however, it contradicts or belies central qualities or characteristics, then it seems a little disingenuous (sp?).

Just a question: why not use your id, with no link to your full profile, and say that you are providing this "abridged" version so people can get a sense of the total picture before they get so involved in the trees that they will miss the forest.

I think your concern is legitimate, but I wonder -- assuming the folk you are looking to contact are intelligent and reasonable -- it it would not create a more "trustworthy" impression to be entirely upfront on the motives you expressed in your post.

Best wishes.
JW

_____________________________

The greater part of what my neighbors call good I believe in my soul to be bad, and if I repent of anything, it is very likely to be my good behavior. What demon possessed me that I behaved so well? -- Thoreau

(in reply to MsIncognito)

RE: Fake profiles to search for prospects - 6/10/2006 5:21:09 PM

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Joined: 6/3/2006
From: Upstate NY
Status: offline

What worries me about this is the use of the term "fake" - is the profile you want not the real you? I don't use CrescentLuna in every forum I go to, nor is it my real name - it doesn't make it fake. I worry that if you go into making a profile feeling that part of it is fake, your prospectives will feel they've been lied to - that the person they became attracted to is just a fantasy of your's, not you.
However, I don't feel that having an abridged or separate profile as your "seeking" profile is necessarily bad - as long as it isn't fake, or parts are deliberately hidden because you feel they'll make you less desirable (and that seems to be part of your dilemma, you feel your noteriety and accessible work makes you intimidating or difficult for someone "new" to understand). No, no one needs to know every detail of your life from a personals ad, or from a link to one. But hiding it may be just as damaging as potential lopsided viewpoint.

(in reply to JassWolf)

RE: Fake profiles to search for prospects - 6/10/2006 5:26:10 PM

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From: Sacramento
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Like many things in life, the motivation for the act defines it as good or bad. If I slap the stupid cunt up side the fucking head cause she won't shut the fuck up, would be a good example. If I was doing this to a vanilla partner, it would be abuse, if I was doing it as part of a scene, it would not be abusive.

Same goes for hiding things, if what you are hiding isn't relevant then the potential is there to be cool. Hiding that you are normally a top and want to bottom would certainly put a damper on the ability of the top to create a good scene with you. Hiding WHICH top you are isn't. Hiding the fact that you normally only play with heavy bottoms but want to find a sensual partner is something I think you could build a good case for.

So, think long and hard about your motivation for hiding information and how not having that information will affect the ability of your partner to understand the dynamics of whatever it is you want to do.

Best of luck and thanks for posting an interesting question.

(in reply to JassWolf)

RE: Fake profiles to search for prospects - 6/10/2006 6:11:58 PM

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Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
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AAkasha:
I am considering seeking a partner for a specific type of BDSM activities in the coming months (maybe), and if I did, I might use a different profile here or on other BDSM related sites, specifically to not have anyone prejudge me or my fantasies/desires/needs based on my web site. So, how dishonest and unethical is this? If I were to choose to NOT share my web site with a potential sub UNTIL I felt it was a good time, would I be hiding something and not be fair to potential partners?

Have any other bdsm-types ever used different names or profiles online because you didn't want people to read massive amounts of your work and either a) get overwhelmed/intimidated or b) get focussed too much on the one thing that struck them and then get obsessed over it?

Only you can answer this AAkasha

But from the way you wrote this I can see that you are thinking like I am thinking regarding being completely open & honest with potential partners.

I personally have made it a point to always use the same name. I am also of the mind that if an individual would be intimidated by anything about myself or my background then keeping it from them would be borderline deceitful. It seems to be best to just be completely upfront & honest. Why have someone lured in & then find they are unable to deal with the reality down the road.

_____________________________

MstrssPassion

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Fake profiles to search for prospects - 6/10/2006 6:54:00 PM

crouchingtigress

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From: Maui
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I have always found that leather life is rife with dichotomys personally, its one of the things I like best about it.

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This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to MstrssPassion)

RE: Fake profiles to search for prospects - 6/10/2006 7:20:31 PM

Posts: 385
Joined: 2/20/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

Personally, I see nothing wrong with it, though with a couple of caveats:

the new profile is still honest, though (perhaps) not as detailed
if it appears that something medium- to long-term is developing, you fill in the blanks (so to speak) so that informed decisions are made.

There's nothing says every detail has to be in an online profile; but what is in it should be truthful.

I think I have only one profile, used (with a few variations) on a few different sites. But then, people getting a distorted picture of me from my profile or website is a non-issue.

Tasha

_____________________________

"Sex without love is an empty experience. But as empty experiences go, it's one of the better ones."...Woody Allen

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Fake profiles to search for prospects - 6/10/2006 7:41:52 PM

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Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Personally I see nothnig unethical in this because I am sure if you met someone substantial you would disclose these things about yourself. Most of us would not disclose our relationship history, career, and other information when we first contact someone. these things are disclosed over time.. giving it time to know someone is not unethical, as long as you do not lie or misrepresent

Id agree with this entirely.
Id like to add, that a different 'identity' and one that you can compartmentalise into its own special space, is a bonus focussing tool.
I have a old 'identity' that i used when i was looking. As a switch for a switch hopefully. The way i conducted myself was so vastly different to who i have become. That i do not feel comfortable looking back. And ive been tempted to delete it. But its all part of my journey.
But when in this character, i am a different being. The flip side of submission.
As you seek a kink specific partner, for kink specific play. That would indicate there's a part of you, that you would wish to explore. You will develop that path on your journey. To name the event, the character, the space, a new name is a good thing. As its a new part of you.

Thats my mumbo jumbo anyhow
little1

(in reply to juliaoceania)

RE: Fake profiles to search for prospects - 6/10/2006 9:51:12 PM

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Well, goodness knows I'm no high profile Domme, but I did have an ID on Yahoo that I finally set aside for awhile so that I could find a gentler, sweeter subbie boy. The second or third time I logged in under the 'new' ID, I spotted bobbi quietly keeping watch on a BDSM chatroom.

That was five years ago.

He's *almost* everything I ever dreamed of, and we've been seeing each other ever since. (...he'll never be available for 24/7, but in every other way he's more than I could have ever hoped for!)

Had I been using My previous Identity, (one he'd been watching online but was wayyy too intimidated to approach Me under), we'd have never met.

Now, I will say that once he became aware of who I was, and once he became familiar with my then multitude of identities on yahoo, msn, icq, alt, et al, (I don't maintain those any longer, by the way), he grew quite wary of Me. I simply explained that cyberspace was fraught with danger and psychopaths, and that I used the identities to maintain My privacy. He came to accept that, and once we met r/t it became a non issue.

Any sub fortunate enough to be seriously considered for Your service will look past whatever tactics it took to bring Y/you together.

Go for it.

TexasMaam

< Message edited by TexasMaam -- 6/10/2006 9:58:45 PM >

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Fake profiles to search for prospects - 6/10/2006 10:24:43 PM

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I would say that as long as the profile is genuine to who you are then it's honest. I think that everyone from time to time leaves out details in cyberspace. As long as they are revealed in an honest manner in real life you're good.
I mean it's hard to get a genuine response to who you "really are" if for example you come right out and tell people, I recently hit the lottery, have more than a few extra pounds on my butt and hate the gym, carton a day smoker with 30 cats and no litter box. If they knew you were typing this from the trailerpark they'd blow you off without a second thought but the idea that you're writing from beverly hills is normally enough to get a reply from someone.
In many ways a pro-domme is no different, who you really are gets lost in the assumptions. Finding that needle in the haystack and see if you fit is important, not leaving the suprises until after is vital if not more difficult.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to TexasMaam)

RE: Fake profiles to search for prospects - 6/10/2006 11:02:21 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
I am considering seeking a partner for a specific type of BDSM activities in the coming months (maybe), and if I did, I might use a different profile here or on other BDSM related sites, specifically to not have anyone prejudge me or my fantasies/desires/needs based on my web site. So, how dishonest and unethical is this? If I were to choose to NOT share my web site with a potential sub UNTIL I felt it was a good time, would I be hiding something and not be fair to potential partners?

Have any other bdsm-types ever used different names or profiles online because you didn't want people to read massive amounts of your work and either a) get overwhelmed/intimidated or b) get focussed too much on the one thing that struck them and then get obsessed over it?

What you write here above kind of has a convincing relativity so I can somewhat understand why you would want to do this.

But;

Your thread title "Fake profiles to search for prospects"
concerns me as having an unethical ring to it.

As a submissive it would be a trust issue for me to get to know "you" and then at a later date, at a time you felt was right expose me to all the rest of the other aspects of your life and why you kept that information from me.
I would feel somewhat used. So if you care what the out-come for a certain "prospect" would or could be, I wouldn't do it.
If you don't give a chit, I guess it's your choice and karma.

*Brightspot

_____________________________

"Comedy is NOT Pretty!" ~Peter Nelson

But..."May at Least One person have a sense of Humor!" ~KML.

http://360.yahoo.com/my_profile-TD4TwEw8crWS3GHFDcs_DK1rHmW6Dq_E;_ylt=Av2PfG9gH0wkQrMPivuMCivGAOJ3

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Fake profiles to search for prospects - 6/10/2006 11:12:46 PM

FelinePersuasion

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While I have not ever used another alias to look for something I can't look for using same name I understand what you mean.

I'm not looking for sex outside my bf, however if I ever do mention a fantasie or something on alt or very rarely here, well all the people who want to do that fantasy in person with me become fixated on oh she has sexual fantasies why is she here if not to fuck.

Having fantasies and thoughts does not mean I wanna fuck the first person into my mail box, however most males act like it does.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Fake profiles to search for prospects - 6/11/2006 3:49:33 AM

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You say you would reveal when you think the time is right. I agree with julia...we don't tell everything about ourselves when we first meet somone. Damn it would be the neverending date from hell. As long as you aren't dishonest...like not saying you are married or otherwise taken, I don't see anything fake about it.

(in reply to FelinePersuasion)

RE: Fake profiles to search for prospects - 6/11/2006 4:52:17 AM

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Joined: 4/20/2006
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Aside from my curiosity of an apparent BDSM rutting season for some particular kink you have.....Odd timeframe reference you have?

I sometimes radically change my profile in frustration. I have tried for a short time having two profiles on another site. One had a very much more hardcore condensed profile. It got a lot of views, but no replies.

Here is a very open darkside of me.

Many sub womens profiles state that they are not a doormat. 99% of the time, that is good to Me. But as time goes by with so many misses and near misses from all the complications of life. Sometimes I feel like just putting up a profile that says I WANT A DOORMAT!!!! Fuck the details. Got no life? FINE! Be MY LIFE!. Damn frustration. What's a doormat? Depends who's walking on it really. But then where is the person?...Can I desire the doormat? Could she really be one? Or is doormat a term for perfect sub? Can she have in herself the stuff that you can mold to what you desire? ARRRGHHHH!!!!

I guess there is some reflection of this in frustrated subs re Dominants.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Fake profiles to search for prospects - 6/11/2006 12:06:16 PM

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From: Ohio/West Virginia
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Every now and then, when that fleeting thought passes through my mind, that I may want to go back to Switching instead of Domming, I consider making a new profile.
And then I think to myself… well, that would actually be kind of dumb and a lot of work for me.

I see it as a matter of courage. I need to have the courage to say "Even though my past 600 posts have been a strong stance on what I am as a Dominant, I am willing to admit and accept change."

For the most part, I live an extremely flexible life, and lifestyle. Those who enter my circle, need to be willing to accept that.
I’ll give damn near anything a whirl. I was a sub, a slave, a Switch, a Domme. I did Pro-Domming, lecturing, created munch groups, and organized events. I’ve "dropped out" of the lifestyle for 2 years at a time. I’ve been a teacher, a writer, a waitress. I’ve worked in the judicial system. I’ve been booked in the judicial system. I’ve been a delinquent, and an A+ student. I’ve been homeless, college educated, a battered woman, and a spokesperson.
If someone happens to meet me during one phase of my life, they need to understand and grasp the concept that there is more to me than what they see in front of them. The ones who "get it" stick around. The ones who want to hold on to the fantasy that what they are currently seeing is all I’ve ever been and all I’ll ever be, tend to wash away rather quickly.

The boy currently in my life met me when I was 25 pounds lighter, Pro-Domming for good money, trying to start up my own vanilla business, and heading back to graduate school. He watched me learn new things about myself and make a decision to give up wealth for morals. He’s been there the whole time as my plans for graduate school went down the drain. He’s watched me suffer health problems to the point that there are days I barely make it out of bed, I vomit in my sleep, and I have zero inclination to ever pick up a flogger again. He’s learned about my past achievements, some unbelievable. He’s learned my past mistakes, some unforgivable.
And he’s stuck by my side.

I can look back at people who met me during my "good times" and once the bad times hit, they were no where to be found. Once they learned of my past mistakes, they saw me in a different light. I’ve met submissives who can’t swallow the concept that I’ve been victimized. I’ve met Dominants who couldn’t swallow the concept that I’ve been a leader.
I’ve really found that people who want to fit me in a box based on what I’ve said in the past, or written in the past, or done in the past, get very frustrated when they realize there is no box, and they quickly go about their way.
The people who take the time to get to know the core of who I am, usually stick around for the long haul. At worst, they might view me as a little bit flaky when it comes to trying new things.
But they are the ones who really know me best. They are there through thick and thin. They are flexible to the changes that come and go in life.
And that’s what I’m looking for in relationships. Not someone who judged me based on some articles I wrote.

_____________________________

IMO, IMHO, YMMV, AFAIK, to me, I see it as, from my perspective, it's been my experience, I only speak for myself, (and all other disclaimers here).

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Fake profiles to search for prospects - 6/11/2006 1:17:27 PM

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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I like my method best- just put a reference line in your profile to the other profile. If people want to see, they can, it's all right there.

Otherwise, while I don't think it's particular WRONG to not come out right up front about it, as long as you accept the possible consequence that someone ELSE might consider it a bad move and are ok with letting them go their way without penalty...the no harm no foul.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to AAkasha)

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