MistressKiss
Posts: 295
Joined: 1/1/2004 Status: offline
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First of all, I am impressed that you are asking instead of shooting from the hip. Let me suggest this - do the same to Your submissive, or the submissives You consider....allow me to explain. Having been married to my former Dominant, I will admit that there were several things that led to the failure of our marriage - most of which were vanilla issues, but there were a few that were related to BDSM. One of the starkest issues that comes to mind was a situation in which I was in need (not wanting, but needing) to be disciplined with the paddle. I have found that in my submissive space, I sometimes lose focus and am unable to think clearly, and function efficiently. The cure is an intense paddling. My dominant knew this, but he would withhold it for no particular reason. Now before I am accused of not being submissive, allow me to explain. Both of us believed that we each had wants, needs, desires, and we were explicit about what those were. I recall clearly that the next time I was paddled, it was not intense enough. It did not meet the need that I had. I cried harder than I think I ever cried when I told him that he had disappointed me, because he met HIS needs in that scene, but did not meet MY needs. Again, it may sound non-submissive when you read it in black and white, but when it comes right down to it, if you don't meet the submissive's true, deep needs as well as your own, you risk losing your submissive and standing there with your mouth hanging open, asking "what happened?" Now, that I am probably labeled as a SAM - I want to express that unless the BDSM relationship is meeting both partners NEEDS, it will not last. Consistency is extremely important, but knowing the submissive and where she is going in her expression of the lifestyle is just as critical. Both the submissive and the dominant must be going in the same direction if it is to be a long-lasting, long-term relationship. You have to have similar goals and desires to make it last. I feel it is the responsibility of both people in the relationship to know their needs and know what they need to fulfill them. There are few things as wonderful as finding a Dominant/submissive that both meets you where you are and still challenges you to go further. Look for someone who is on the same page as you, and ask, ask, ask. Communication as always is the key.
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"I assure you, Your Honor, I don't have to practice...I'm very good at them..." (The Marquis de Sade at one of his trials for the sexual perversities he practiced)
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