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But I'm not a switch! - 10/30/2012 1:58:56 AM

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I seem to be coming up against the same argument time and time again here on CollarMe.

I start talking to someone who either self-identifies as a switch, or who mentions switching. They then ask me if I'm interested, and I reply that I'm not looking for a switch. To which, inevitably, I get the reply:

But I'm not a switch!

At first I found it amusing, then I found it frustrating, now I'm downright confused. Is my understanding of switching incorrect? Is it bad ettiquette to refer to someone as a switch? Are they just denying their switchiness in order to get a leg over?

So I thought I would present the following scenarios and see how many people agree that yes, these are indeed switches. Or, alternatively, that they're not switches, that being a switch is an infinitely complex label for which mere submissives like me can have no full or accurate understanding. Or finally, that maybe they were just crazy folk. Anyway:

1) I begin talking to a man who defines himself as a Master, but within the first few minutes of talking he tells me how he spent 2 years as a 24/7 CNC slave for a Mistress before switching to being a Dominant.

2) A man contacts me who has labelled himself as a slave in his profile. He tells me that he likes my profile and is interested in 'switching' (his words) in order to enjoy some anal play and am I interested? When I tell him no, he claims that he has always had a dominant personality and that he is not a switch, and that he is not going to repeat himself to me because it's my fault if I just don't get it.

3) A man contacts me who has labelled himself as a switch. When I tell him I am not looking for a switch he replies that he is not actually a switch, he merely labels himself as a switch so that he can decide 'what situations he puts himself into'.

So, thoughts?

RE: But I'm not a switch! - 10/30/2012 3:28:57 PM

MissImmortalPain

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1....A person can start out on one side of the "kneel" and end up on the other. I started out a sub. I am a domme. I am not a switch.

2....For some people kinky play is just kinky play and has nothing to do with their personality outside of a bedroom. Enjoying anal does not mean someone has to be submissive. Or a switch.

3......Yeah, honestly, that reads to me that the guy just wants to get laid and will say what he has to as long as in the end he gets laid.

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RE: But I'm not a switch! - 10/30/2012 9:57:02 PM

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1) He's being honest. I label as a switch but am Domme. Denying my relationship where I was no less dominant but ceased to have the final word is disengenuous to all I learned that helps me be a better domme.

2)Slave wanting anal smells like wanker

3) Oh please reeks of wanker from here

I think the confusion you're having is "reel twue dom" syndrome. Because someones relationships have allowed a broader education may give them a better idea of what does & doesn't work as a dom. Yes there are switches (especially male) that anything goes. The tip off is a profile looking for domme,sub or slave females sometimes with poly added in to excuse cheating & polyfuckery. There are as many if not more doms without any experience that will claim they were trained by the marquis de sade himself to make you believe they are a "reel twue dom". Just because its on the internet doesn't make it true. Just because someone labels as a switch doesn't mean they are going from intense flogging of you to begging for you to take them with a strap on (ok so maybe the #2 guy but he claimed to be a slave).
Personally I would look @#1 again & ask what switch means to him. Is it being honest about his path? Is it a way to meet chicks? Or just more variety? The last 2 are the ones to watch out for.

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Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
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(in reply to MissImmortalPain)

RE: But I'm not a switch! - 10/31/2012 12:54:02 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U

1) He's being honest. I label as a switch but am Domme. Denying my relationship where I was no less dominant but ceased to have the final word is disengenuous to all I learned that helps me be a better domme.

2)Slave wanting anal smells like wanker

3) Oh please reeks of wanker from here

I think the confusion you're having is "reel twue dom" syndrome. Because someones relationships have allowed a broader education may give them a better idea of what does & doesn't work as a dom. Yes there are switches (especially male) that anything goes. The tip off is a profile looking for domme,sub or slave females sometimes with poly added in to excuse cheating & polyfuckery. There are as many if not more doms without any experience that will claim they were trained by the marquis de sade himself to make you believe they are a "reel twue dom". Just because its on the internet doesn't make it true. Just because someone labels as a switch doesn't mean they are going from intense flogging of you to begging for you to take them with a strap on (ok so maybe the #2 guy but he claimed to be a slave).
Personally I would look @#1 again & ask what switch means to him. Is it being honest about his path? Is it a way to meet chicks? Or just more variety? The last 2 are the ones to watch out for.

I'm so glad I came back to the boards just to read this response. Not only do I completely agree, I got a good snicker and a chuckle out of it too. ^.^

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RE: But I'm not a switch! - 10/31/2012 10:31:10 PM

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Why thank you

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drama llama

(in reply to Steelslilbit)

RE: But I'm not a switch! - 11/12/2012 7:45:12 AM

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Switch is a verb. You switch from D to s, s to D. It is the ability to be either Dominant or submissive. Dominants are just dominant. Submissives are just submissive. Switching is when you can dominate and submit. It is like left handed, right handed and ambidextrous, or like gay, straight and bisexual. You don't have to be only dominant in order to dominate. You don't have to be only left handed to do something with your left hand. You don't have to be only straight to have straight sex.

One, the other, both.

Think of a light switch and what it does. The light goes on, the light goes off. If you want the lights on, you flip the switch to the on position. If you want the lights off, you flip the switch to to off position.

(in reply to orgasmdenial12)

RE: But I'm not a switch! - 11/13/2012 5:12:28 AM

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I think both Rose and seekingroom have given good answers here.
One of my best 'scene' friends started off as a sub and is now probably one of the best, most formidable, most popular and clearly most natural dominant woman I know. Just because she was once a sub doesn't make her a sub or switch now.
Many submissives state they are revolted by the thought of their dominant ever submitting. That it would break the relationship, even if they were to get a whiff that he/she had submitted in the past. It ruins the whole fantasy for them and somehow makes their partner weak in their eyes. I'm always touched by a little sadness when I hear this. I mean, here are a couple that are incredibly happy and complete but if she even so much as gets a hint of submission from him, her feelings for him are over, done with, gone?
Let me tell you this. I have been on the London scene for many years. I know hundreds of people and have seen as many relationships. Amongst those people I know men that will only ever be dominant. Some of those men came for a session with me at my dungeon when I was a pro Domme. Those men often told me that if their sub/slave ever found out they would be devastated and of course as a pro Domme my discretion was absolute. Now I'm not saying that everyone who says they are only dominant are really switches. There are many dominants that don't submit and there are many dominants that do submit in secret or once submitted but will never admit to it because of the consequences.

Try being a little open minded. Submission isn't a weakness and neither is switching!

< Message edited by MariaB -- 11/13/2012 5:13:33 AM >

(in reply to seekingroom)

RE: But I'm not a switch! - 11/13/2012 5:59:21 AM

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FR:

The term switch has a negative connotation for many, as there is an erroneous understanding that someone willing to switch sides is merely confused as to their orientation and can't make up their mind. Or that they can't be a 'true' dom or sub due to being a switch. You, yourself, appear to have this prejudice.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with being biased against switches, we all have our biases, just that your bias is not based in reality. Which is why I insist on self-identifying as a switch. Anyone biased against switches is not compatible with me.

As far as these males you are encountering, they are backpeddling in the hopes of getting lucky; if they self identify as a switch, and that's not what you're looking for, move on. Females on here have the luxury of being picky.

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RE: But I'm not a switch! - 11/13/2012 9:20:31 AM

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Lets take a very clear word, woman and define it.

Is the author Pat Califia, a woman? Is she gay or straight?

She was born a woman, had a complete sex change and now lives as a heterosexual man with a woman.

Point is labels tend to identify the fat center of a bell curve, not encompass its entirety.

Switch can be used to identify someone who bottomed once 20 years ago to someone,who can switch back and forth in the middle of a scene (pretty mindbending to watch!).

An ex of mine, identified as a Domme when I met her, was my slave, and now actively switches with her partner.

To me, I have to know more about a person before the label switch has any meaning. That said, because of social pressure, most men who openly ID as switches, probably are active on both,sides. Subs/slaves who tell you they switch are just horny. Lots of doms/masters are bottoms in,waiting.

Lastly, doms/masters who chest thump about how domly they are? Subs to the core, tiny scared boys inside lest cuties rob their manhood, lol!

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

RE: But I'm not a switch! - 11/13/2012 9:23:37 AM

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I wanted to add that, while not common, I know switches who rock as dominants.

Look at the military, the rule those below them and submit to those above.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

RE: But I'm not a switch! - 11/26/2012 8:03:42 PM

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I have to put another spin on this debate. I know plenty of Doms and some Dommes who submit occasionally or "switch roles" but it does not make them submissives. They are still tops just enjoying a scene from the bottom. Sometimes a Dominant will change roles to enjoy a change of pace. They are still in control of the scene and can pull rank at anytime. Domspace is adrenalin charged, subspace is relaxing endorphins.

It is sad that more people don't come out as switches for fear of being labelled as confused. It's really the bisexuality of BDSM. People will always be judgemental in any setting, here or vanilla.

I have know military Doms that are very strong Doms and great at what they do but after ordering people around all day and seeing awful things they want to submit, almost for punishment of what they did at work to feel the relaxation of subspace and remove responsibility from their shoulders.

I wish there was no labels anywhere but that's the way it is sadly.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

RE: But I'm not a switch! - 11/29/2012 8:51:58 AM

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As a switch, and a young one at that, I see this a lot. There's a lot of stigma attached to the switch label.

A female who switches, is too weak to Domme, or hasn't found a good master so she's confused.

A male who switches is just a horny wanker trying to get sex in any form.

It's all labels. Black, white, Asian, homo, hetero, Dom/me, sub, slave, Master. It's all just little boxes we use to divide each other in to manageable groups.

As for your examples, 2 and 3 are definitely worth tossing out, but number 1 may not be a switch. As others have said, many Doms began their journey as subs. In my opinion there is no better way to learn.

(in reply to FemmeD76)

RE: But I'm not a switch! - 12/4/2012 7:40:59 AM

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Many fantastic answers, I'll add my 2 cents. In my personal experience when faced with the choice of labels I went with submissive because I thought that best reflected my mindset at this time. As a thinking and somewhat self aware creature I understand that my moods, experiences, and attitudes will change over time and I could see having a conversation with someone where I blurred the lines between roles, or was unable to define exactly where I fall into place. I'm not sure if that makes me inexperienced, non committal, or an actual switch. I am lucky to have a partner that is willing to take the journey and explore beside, on top, and under me.

(in reply to Quik2Kink)

RE: But I'm not a switch! - 12/4/2012 9:10:16 AM

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My response is coming from the fact that I am a self-identified dominant female. I tried the whole submissive route when I was first beginning to explore BDSM, but I never found my fit. I began exploring dominance and found where I belonged. For about the last 13 years, all of my D/s interactions have been from the dominant female perspective. I feel a sense of shame because I too held judgment against switches. I thought they were confused, wishy-washy, and unsure of who they were. Little did I know at the time just how wrong I was.

About 10 months ago, I began a connection with a self-identified dominant male who was at a point in his life where he wanted to begin exploring submission. During the course of our connection's growth, we have managed to successfully be able to switch with each other. We are exclusive to each other...meaning that he submits to no one else but me, I submit to no one else but him. Its weird, but I guess that he is the only person I can honestly say I trust with emotions I do not allow anyone else to see out of me. I hate crying in front of others, I hate feeling dependent on other people, and I hate being vulnerable. Through him, I have found that I can explore all of the things I hate in what I consider a safe harbor. I think that the same can probably be said for him when it comes to me. While I am still a dominant female and he for sure is a dominant male, in each other we have found that one person where we can experience how the other half lives. For me, I feel it makes me a better dominant because I truly know based on personal experience what it is I put someone else through who submits to me.

I think that the world just may be shaded more gray than I realized. And no, Im not talking about Fifty either. I guess the way I see it is to each their own and I think people should live their lives in the best way they know is right for them. I cannot say that I personally identify as a switch myself, though technically that is my reality at this time in my life. Things just became less black and white with me.

(in reply to orgasmdenial12)

RE: But I'm not a switch! - 12/18/2012 7:05:08 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

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1) A person can start out on one side of the kneel and then change over to the other side, but not be a switch. Myself, I started out as a sub and then I did try out both sides/switched for about a year. Over that year, I gravitated toward Domme and away from sub & now I'm a Domme. I still love the feel of a good flogging occasionally and I will bottom for those sensations now & then, but I remain in control of what's going on and I'm not submitting. Just because I used to be a sub, it doesn't mean I'm a sub or a switch now.

2) A person can have kinky sex without the D/s.

3) Your third example sounds like he's a horny toad that just wants to get himself some and he'll do whatever it takes. lol

It's unfortunate that so many people are biased against switches, it really blows. I myself used to be one for about a year or so during my journey and I would frequently hear "you're not Dominant enough" or "you're not a real submissive." Of course it wasn't true, it was just their perception and bias. I still have many good friends in my local kink community who are switches and they're great people.

NBMG

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RE: But I'm not a switch! - 12/19/2012 6:17:17 PM

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quote:

As far as these males you are encountering, they are backpeddling in the hopes of getting lucky; if they self identify as a switch, and that's not what you're looking for, move on. Females on here have the luxury of being picky.

+ 1

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RE: But I'm not a switch! - 12/24/2012 3:32:51 PM

tryingotherside

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I've self-identified as a top for as long as I've been in the scene ( 15+ years). I'm now curious about playing bottom. Does that make me a bottom ?

I still enjoy topping. Does that make me a top ?

I don't need to switch with any one play partner to make the experience worthwhile. I'm willing to play as we've both negotiated. What does that make me ?

Simple : I'm a person looking to try new experiences. Once I've had the chance to play the other side a bit, perhaps I'll settle down into one role. Perhaps I'll still want to play each side at different times. In the meantime, I'll be upfront about what I seek and honest about where I'm at now and hope to find others willing to play.

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RE: But I'm not a switch! - 12/30/2012 11:22:20 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12

. . .

1) I begin talking to a man who defines himself as a Master, but within the first few minutes of talking he tells me how he spent 2 years as a 24/7 CNC slave for a Mistress before switching to being a Dominant.

2) A man contacts me who has labelled himself as a slave in his profile. He tells me that he likes my profile and is interested in 'switching' (his words) in order to enjoy some anal play and am I interested? When I tell him no, he claims that he has always had a dominant personality and that he is not a switch, and that he is not going to repeat himself to me because it's my fault if I just don't get it.

3) A man contacts me who has labelled himself as a switch. When I tell him I am not looking for a switch he replies that he is not actually a switch, he merely labels himself as a switch so that he can decide 'what situations he puts himself into'.

So, thoughts?

1) He identifies as a switch because he did switch. In this scenario, try to be more understanding that some people are not born with an innate knowledge of their D/s orientation. Especially dominants. Most people start as novices, and its easier to bottom when you have no idea what you're doing. I consider it a mark of value in a top that they were once a bottom, not a black mark on the record. We all submit one way or another, so why be so picky on exactly how? Even listening to a mentor can be described as some sort of submission.

2 and 3) Just trying to get laid. Let it be said that "slave, sub, switch or dom" are insufficient titles to properly classify the wide taxonomy of human sexuality. But anyone who claims one and back peddles later raises a red flag for honesty. I'd assume this type of person is trying to get a leg over through opportunistic behavior. I wouldn't instantly rule them all out: Maybe they have a legitimate excuse. But I'd apply a strict level of scrutiny to their story.

I, for example, identify as a switch. It's because I will gladly service top if that is desired. If it is not desired, I won't service top. I feel no "need" to do it, it's just an optional kink: Like licking feet or washing pans (two other things I'm not psyched to do, but will comply happily if ordered). So a submissive might feel "ugh, Bambi could never enjoy my submission thoroughly because he's just switching." That would be accurate. A dominant could say "ugh, Bambi could never submit because he's a switch." That is not accurate. The legitimate reason I identify as a switch does not affect that relationship. Just like Guy #1, who has made a net-shift to the other side, is not incapable of enjoying a subby.

tl;dr? The ranks of switches is full of horny boys. And Bambi bois. And I heard there's a girl switch, but that's just rumor. Like Nessy and Bigfoot.

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RE: But I'm not a switch! - 1/6/2013 7:33:26 PM

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I cant count the number of times I have gotten messages from Doms who say, as soon as I remind them that I am a Dominant and would not be interested in submission, 'Oh! I'm really NOT a Dom, I'm actually a submissive!
So can I submit to you?"

Someone brought up a light switch that goes on or off. However a light switch does not sit in a neutral postion blinking, while deciding whether being on or off would be to its greatest advantage.

While I don't begrudge a Switch for his interests, please do not begrudge me for my choice of being strictly Dominant.

Thanks :)

quote:

ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12

I seem to be coming up against the same argument time and time again here on CollarMe.

I start talking to someone who either self-identifies as a switch, or who mentions switching. They then ask me if I'm interested, and I reply that I'm not looking for a switch. To which, inevitably, I get the reply:

But I'm not a switch!

At first I found it amusing, then I found it frustrating, now I'm downright confused. Is my understanding of switching incorrect? Is it bad ettiquette to refer to someone as a switch? Are they just denying their switchiness in order to get a leg over?

So I thought I would present the following scenarios and see how many people agree that yes, these are indeed switches. Or, alternatively, that they're not switches, that being a switch is an infinitely complex label for which mere submissives like me can have no full or accurate understanding. Or finally, that maybe they were just crazy folk. Anyway:

1) I begin talking to a man who defines himself as a Master, but within the first few minutes of talking he tells me how he spent 2 years as a 24/7 CNC slave for a Mistress before switching to being a Dominant.

2) A man contacts me who has labelled himself as a slave in his profile. He tells me that he likes my profile and is interested in 'switching' (his words) in order to enjoy some anal play and am I interested? When I tell him no, he claims that he has always had a dominant personality and that he is not a switch, and that he is not going to repeat himself to me because it's my fault if I just don't get it.

3) A man contacts me who has labelled himself as a switch. When I tell him I am not looking for a switch he replies that he is not actually a switch, he merely labels himself as a switch so that he can decide 'what situations he puts himself into'.

So, thoughts?

(in reply to orgasmdenial12)

RE: But I'm not a switch! - 3/30/2013 8:45:08 AM

LeatherBentOne51

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#1 isn't a switch.

I have known Dominants, myself included, who have subbed for a finite amount of time to better understand the mind of a sub and to be a better Dominant than they would have been had they not had that experience. Also, I have known Dominants, myself included, who are on the receiving end of pain to better control their sub's pain threshold when on the giving end. T

his does not make us a switch, if we cease submissive experiences upon identifying as a Dominant.

(in reply to orgasmdenial12)

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