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Right to Know - 6/15/2006 10:45:13 AM

Posts: 1121
Joined: 6/16/2005
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Hello, all. I've read posts, received messages, and chatted with a few folks, and now I'd like to ask a question for general consensus.

When you've met someone that you *think* you might be interested in entering a relationship with, but you haven't actually met them face-to-face yet... what do they have a right to know about you? If your job is lifestyle sensitive, do they have the right to demand to know where you work anyway? Should they know the names of your children (if you have any, I don't)? Do they get to have your address? Phone number?

Bear in mind that in this scenario, you've talked to this person on-line only. You aren't in a rush and neither are they. You don't live close to them at this point in your life. What should they reasonably expect to know about you?

Thanks for indulging my curiosity.

zuma

RE: Right to Know - 6/15/2006 10:51:12 AM

Posts: 89
Joined: 6/3/2006
From: Upstate NY
Status: offline

I've met two guys from the online world and then had offline relationships with them. One is sleeping in our shared bedroom right now.
I don't like the terms "right to know" "demand" etc. Personally, though neither of us have lifestyle-sensitive jobs, we've known where the other works, their address, no children but all their pets names, etc. I've talked to them on the phone and sent them letters - because I wanted to, and I trusted that they were who they said they were. I've done that with other online personalities and found them to be false.
So, basically - I would expect all and none of that stuff? Personally, if I had a kid I doubt I'd ever shut up about them. :P I might say what type of job I had, just so I can complain about my day as I would to any other friend. It is all highly variable.
Sorry I couldn't help more.

(in reply to zumala)

RE: Right to Know - 6/15/2006 10:52:45 AM

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: zumala
When you've met someone that you *think* you might be interested in entering a relationship with, but you haven't actually met them face-to-face yet... what do they have a right to know about you?

Whatever you decide they do.

ALthough it's generally good manners to not ask for information that you are not willing to give about yourself.

Just like asking "what do they have a right to fuck you with?"
Answer: Whatever you say they do.

quote:

If your job is lifestyle sensitive, do they have the right to demand to know where you work anyway? Should they know the names of your children (if you have any, I don't)? Do they get to have your address? Phone number?

They have a right to ASK for anything they want.

They have a right to not choose to see you if you do not give them the information that they desire. This should be respected.

You have the same rights. You both also have the same right to refuse to give anything as well.

quote:

What should they reasonably expect to know about you?
zuma

If I'm meeting someone I am considering entering into a relationship with, I want to know a LOT about them.

If I'm meeting someone I just want to meet and have a date with, I don't need to know much at all.

But what matters is what YOU feel comfortable and appropriate about. This is no different than any other limit in your life.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to zumala)

RE: Right to Know - 6/15/2006 10:54:45 AM

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

When you've met someone that you *think* you might be interested in entering a relationship with, but you haven't actually met them face-to-face yet... what do they have a right to know about you? If your job is lifestyle sensitive, do they have the right to demand to know where you work anyway? Should they know the names of your children (if you have any, I don't)? Do they get to have your address? Phone number?

I think it depends how much you trust them. I see no reason to give out children's names or where you work, maybe just the type of work you do. If you give your real name or phone number or address, they can get the other info pretty easily unless you are unlisted. They can also get a map to your home. If you have sent any incriminating photos or emails they can always use that for blackmail, if so inclined, if they have your place of employment or your children's names, so be very careful. You may also find your photos and/or emails posted on the web somewhere or forwarded to their friends.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to zumala)

RE: Right to Know - 6/15/2006 10:55:32 AM

Posts: 101
Joined: 2/14/2006
From: Oklahoma City
Status: offline

i think LA hit it on the head........
they dont have a right to DEMAND anything from you tho.....i would say, just be prudent, there are a lot of liars & cheaters out there.....

~m

_____________________________

~Love is Pain~

www.myspace.com/iamthediminished

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

RE: Right to Know - 6/15/2006 11:04:31 AM

sweetnessforsir

Posts: 70
Joined: 1/5/2006
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I think LA has it on target about the difference between asking and demanding. If I have not met someone face to face in rt, I probably will not respond well to demands. Unless, of course, you consider giggling madly and smartass remarks an appropriate response.

My level of comfort is the determining factor about answering questions. If I am comfortable giving the information, and I believe there has been sincere exchange, then I will answer. If it is couched in a history of demanding conversation where little is disclosed on the other side, I will not answer.

When someone has asked something I am not yet comfortable answering, I generally just tell them that. If there is additional conversation, I am usually comfortable sharing the reason why as well. i.e. "I don't feel comfortable telling you my workplace, because I really don't know where we are headed at this point."

Oh, btw, ignore is wonderful option when talking to online Doms who have the "right" to know. ;)

s.

(in reply to zumala)

RE: Right to Know - 6/15/2006 11:13:01 AM

Posts: 224
Joined: 5/19/2006
From: Kansas City
Status: offline

It is whatever you feel comfortable in sharing. Obviously at some point you will need to start sharing some personal information that certainly does not mean everything or whatever they ask, but some personal things to move forward in the relationship when you are ready and not when the other person is ready. There are stages and phone calls and sharing more of yourself are just part of those stages.

I do not have children, but personally, I would be protective of them and not give any but generic info until I really was very comfortable. I also would not give out work location information. At the stage you are at there is nothing to gain and could only get burned.

Trust your instincts is the best advice I can give, but be alarmed if the person you are in communication pushes or demand certain specific information like work and children when you have told them that is off limits and you are at such an early stage.

_____________________________

It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead.

(in reply to composer83)

RE: Right to Know - 6/15/2006 11:13:08 AM

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Joined: 7/18/2004
From: California, near Reno, USA
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I've met quite a number of people face to face after trading emails and such on line. If they get a phone number, it's usually a cell. They probably know my profession, though not my actual work place. First names of relatives, unless they are very unusual first names, are pretty harmless. I keep the information pretty general until we've met face to face, then go from there.

What do they have a "right" to know? Not a damn thing you don't want to tell them.

Keep in mind, meeting face to face is really the key. Don't build any expectations until then. It is very easy to read what you want to see between the lines of somebody else's messages. It is very easy to project the best of yourself in type. Until you see the person, their body language, their style, their reactions to you, there is no way to tell how things will go, no matter how good they are on line. Be careful.

< Message edited by Verijaa -- 6/15/2006 11:14:40 AM >

_____________________________

People demand freedom of speech to compensate for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.
--Kirkegaard

(in reply to sweetnessforsir)

RE: Right to Know - 6/15/2006 11:14:31 AM

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I suppose I did couch the question in the most severe fashion possible. It can be awkward to tell someone you can't relocate until you can get a job in their area. They then wish to know what you do. If you can't tell them, they may assume that it's not important and that you should get yourself a 'real' job.

I've met the PUSHY who start sarcastically assuming you must be a spy for the government or something if you won't tell them what you do. I've also met those who wish to assist, but can't because you aren't able to identify what you do.

zuma

(in reply to sweetnessforsir)

RE: Right to Know - 6/15/2006 11:18:52 AM

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Joined: 6/22/2004
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Yup.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: zumala
When you've met someone that you *think* you might be interested in entering a relationship with, but you haven't actually met them face-to-face yet... what do they have a right to know about you?

Whatever you decide they do.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

RE: Right to Know - 6/15/2006 11:20:21 AM

Posts: 9
Joined: 7/18/2004
From: California, near Reno, USA
Status: offline

If they expect you to locate without a means of support, then they are likely living in a fantasy land, and I'd dump them. If they make assumptions about you simply because you don't give them the information they want, they are fools and I'd dump them. If they are pushy and sarcastic because you are smart enough to be cautious, or are paranoid and have conspiracy melt downs because you don't open up on the first email, they are fools and I'd dump them. If the relationship is still early enough that you haven't met and aren't comfortable with giving them your profession, why are you even discussing relocating, much less trying to plan assistance for it? If they want to help that much, they'll wait until the time is right and some assistance is actually wanted and needed.

Really, I'd start with coffee in a nice public place before any of this even comes close to becoming an issue.

_____________________________

People demand freedom of speech to compensate for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.
--Kirkegaard

(in reply to zumala)

RE: Right to Know - 6/15/2006 11:20:42 AM

Posts: 440
Joined: 9/9/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: zumala

Hello, all. I've read posts, received messages, and chatted with a few folks, and now I'd like to ask a question for general consensus.

When you've met someone that you *think* you might be interested in entering a relationship with, but you haven't actually met them face-to-face yet... what do they have a right to know about you? If your job is lifestyle sensitive, do they have the right to demand to know where you work anyway? Should they know the names of your children (if you have any, I don't)? Do they get to have your address? Phone number?

Bear in mind that in this scenario, you've talked to this person on-line only. You aren't in a rush and neither are they. You don't live close to them at this point in your life. What should they reasonably expect to know about you?

Thanks for indulging my curiosity.

zuma

i believe that respect and courtesy go miles in any type of communication. Before i knew any better, i thought a Dom/Master was entightled to whatever he wanted - duh! It led me to feel frustrated and used. Then one day i realized being submissive does not mean being sub-human. i have the same rights in this lifestyle i have anywhere unless and until "i" agree otherwise.

i hope this is helpful.

_____________________________

Owned by Scotch Master

i would rather continue alone than be permitted to show only parts of myself to my Beloved.

If you're not living as you would like to today, when are you going to start?

(in reply to zumala)

RE: Right to Know - 6/15/2006 11:21:52 AM

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: zumala
I suppose I did couch the question in the most severe fashion possible. It can be awkward to tell someone you can't relocate until you can get a job in their area.

Why is anyone even talking of relocating before you meet?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to zumala)

RE: Right to Know - 6/15/2006 11:22:28 AM

Posts: 113
Joined: 6/3/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: zumala

When you've met someone that you *think* you might be interested in entering a relationship with, but you haven't actually met them face-to-face yet... what do they have a right to know about you?

Until you decide that you're going to enter a relationship with this person, they don't really have the "right" to know anything. It's what you want them to know, and what information you want to give. In my opinion, the only thing that the other party has the "right" to know, is that you are being honest with how you present yourself. In other words, that you're not an 80 year old fat guy pretending to be a female sub.

quote:

If your job is lifestyle sensitive, do they have the right to demand to know where you work anyway?

Absolutely not. They have the right to ask. You have the right to say, 'I'm not telling you that yet.' This goes for address, phone number, anything they ask, but you don't want to answer.

To sum it up: It's completely up to you, and what you are comfortable with. If you're comfortable enough with this person to say, 'You can demand anything of me and I'll do it!' then...be prepared for demands. But before that happens, you aren't obligated to share anything you're not comfortable with.

(in reply to zumala)

RE: Right to Know - 6/15/2006 11:26:03 AM

Posts: 113
Joined: 6/3/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline

Firstly, zumala, i'd like to ask the same question LuckyAlbatross did. Why is there talk of relocating before your first meeting? Sure, it -could- work out...but i'm not sure if i'd take that sort of chance.

Second...if you tell someone that you can't reveal what you do, and they get pushy or think that it's not worth your time...then in my opinion, that person isn't worth meeting. If they are truly curious, then they should ask WHY you can't tell, if it's that sensitive, if it's that important, whatever...i'm sure you can say, 'It's an important job to me, but i can't reveal what it is because it's lifestyle sensitive.' If they can't take that for an answer, then...if i were in your shoes, i'd move on.

(in reply to zumala)

RE: Right to Know - 6/15/2006 11:32:30 AM

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Joined: 6/16/2005
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The talk of relocation came up because they live in a different state. All of this is just discussion, really. Neither side is in a huge yank to go anywhere. And the physical distance is also the reason there's been no face-to-face meeting. That's a LOT of miles for a cuppa.

zuma

edited to say: I should note that this is more of a domestic/companionship thing than a sexual/live-in one. The area they live in is nice and has some job opportunities under the right circumstances. We (Pup and I) wouldn't move JUST for them. We'd be going for ourselves and our careers as well.

< Message edited by zumala -- 6/15/2006 11:34:23 AM >

(in reply to trippingdaisy)

RE: Right to Know - 6/15/2006 11:33:55 AM

Posts: 1777
Joined: 4/25/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: zumala

I suppose I did couch the question in the most severe fashion possible. It can be awkward to tell someone you can't relocate until you can get a job in their area. They then wish to know what you do. If you can't tell them, they may assume that it's not important and that you should get yourself a 'real' job.

I've met the PUSHY who start sarcastically assuming you must be a spy for the government or something if you won't tell them what you do. I've also met those who wish to assist, but can't because you aren't able to identify what you do.

zuma

zuma,

The best way I have found to approach this is to ask yourself how comfortable you are with the other person, how long you have been in contact with them, how open they are about their life. If you have any kind of gut feeling that this person isnt who or what they portray themself to be then run away.... ( ignore)

Most of the people that I have talked with on the other side know atleast my first name, the nickname I use for my son ( because he's muh pride and joy and I talk about him lots lol ) and most of my friends in yahoo have either my cell number or my house number, depending on how well I know them. The ones that have come to stay with me know my address and the whole deal. It all boils down to what kind of connection you have with someone and why they want your information.

I ask a LOT of questions to people that I am interested in and I would hope that from my being honest with them that they feel safe in sharing info with me, but if not I'm certainly not going to push the issue, comfortability grows with time.

I would definately be leary of anyone that is not willing to share any kind of information because from experience this usually means they are hiding something.

_____________________________

ooooo..I bet THATS gonna leave a mark!!!!

Equal opportunity pisser on-er ... heh..

Gimme some crayons, I want color and I want it now DAMNIT!

(in reply to zumala)

RE: Right to Know - 6/15/2006 11:35:54 AM

Posts: 113
Joined: 6/3/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline

That makes a little more sense.

Honestly, though, i do hope you do decide to travel (or he does) to meet face to face before any permanent plans are made. By that time, too...if travelling to meet is being spoken about, it's probably more than coffee that you'll be there for.

(in reply to zumala)

RE: Right to Know - 6/15/2006 11:35:55 AM

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: zumala
The talk of relocation came up because they live in a different state. All of this is just discussion, really. Neither side is in a huge yank to go anywhere. And the physical distance is also the reason there's been no face-to-face meeting. That's a LOT of miles for a cuppa.

zuma

Again if you're not even at the stage where either of you can or want to devote time to even visit eachother, then there's no point in discussing relocation.

Unless you have areas that are "Absolutely Off Limits" then it completely depends on the specific relationship you form with each person whether that step will even come into play later- MUCH later.

Personally, I don't even consider a relationship with someone until AFTER I meet them offline.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to zumala)

RE: Right to Know - 6/15/2006 11:46:15 AM

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
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None can really 'demand' anything. But thats already been covered.

My concern is why anyone would think about all these things, and consider a relationship.

People can ask what they want and tell what they want. And you can give and ask in the same respect.

If you were meeting in a club and arranged another date, how much would you want to know about the person?

If you are not in any rush - why not just allow the relationship to evolve organically?

Pre-set lists and expectations only lead to eventual let down IMO.

If you cannot share about employment, one should be asking themselves why one can't share such information - not why should you be able to.(I am not sure if I am making much sense there). It all depends what you are comfortable with, and if you cannot enter a relationship and share certain aspects of your life, then you should, IMO - be settled and comfortable within your own life first. It will bring incredible difficulties if you are not. It only sets seeds of distrust - even if you do not mean to.

I too am concerned about the suggestion and discussions of relocating at such an early stage. But if job relocation is an issue for you, I would really just suggest you do not indulge or even consider outside your current locality. That way, the job issue just will not even enter into the equasion in that way.

Peace and Rapture

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to zumala)

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