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RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 11/13/2012 8:42:29 AM

BoundSlave4Life

Posts: 116
Joined: 7/25/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sddaddysgirl

Does it matter at all its only been the past year he's been this way? We've been together for seven years and for a long time had a very satisfying, comfortable M/s relationship. This year has been difficult, though. There have been a lot of outside stresses for both of us and its impacted our relationship hard. Its that it is a new thing that makes me feel like it can be fixed somehow...

And really, if he were outright abusing me I wouldn't be here asking what I should do. The smacks and pinches and all are minor, the worst they leave is a red mark for a few hours. Its the sentiment behind them and the loss of control everyone has mentioned that really upsets and bothers me. Him doing something like giving me a black eye would be easier in a way. Its a pretty black and white situation I know to get out of.

Normally these things just get worse.

It could be possible that when you tried to sit down and speak with him, it wasn't the right time, he got pissed, and took it out on you. Granted, that is completely unacceptable however it's worth trying to speak with him again and addressing the issue, asking him if he has a few free moments, where he can sit down and speak with you without any distractions (TV, Computer, Plans for the day), and see if you get a different result.

Many people don't agree with this but Master and I do NOT have safe words, nor do I have limits. That is because we communicate. Master knows the sounds and actions I make when I can feel something going amiss where Master can stop, ask me if everything is alright, and I would never lie or be deceitful about it. In fact, I told Master that I'll NEVER use a "I have a headache" type of excuse to just get out of something because it becomes a crying wolf situation.
I digress.

What I was trying to get at above, is that there needs to be clear communication and while someone is acting that way... Master, Dom, Daddy, Slave, Sub, Switch or even VANILLA, there can be little hope for success in a relationship where there is a lack of communication and this LIFESTYLE is built on a foundation of communication and trust.

Like I said, try speaking with him at another time in order to address these issues. Yes, the tantrum is inexcusable but perhaps there's a chance of salvaging what's left.

(in reply to sddaddysgirl)

Post #: 41

RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 11/13/2012 1:54:21 PM

MariaB

Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline

All we can go on is what you have told us and even then we only know one half of the story.
All of your intuition is warning you that things aren't right. Its upsetting you, stressing you and very probably playing a big part in destroying what you and he have. Bottom line is you need to talk and he needs to talk and you both need to listen to each another.
You have to ask yourself one very important question; Is this relationship worth saving?

(in reply to BoundSlave4Life)

Post #: 42

RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 11/14/2012 4:19:15 AM

lapgirl

Posts: 116
Joined: 1/5/2006
Status: offline

Trust your gutteral instinct here... for me it boils down to the fact that he lost control and struck out at you causing you pain and injury, not Domly at all. I am so sorry for your hurt and do hope your hand is healing well.

(in reply to MariaB)

Post #: 43

RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 11/14/2012 9:33:47 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

OP, listen to the good advice here. Many of us have been with men who had anger management issues. My ex is one so I know.

A man who never owns up to behaving badly for whatever reason and who constantly says YOU made me do it, is a classic abuser. Even if it is just emotional or done during "play" as in my case.

It is so easy to keep justifying staying because you want to believe the guy you fell in love with at the beginning, is the same guy. But they often do change or you just never saw him for the way he really is. I often say that I stayed in love with a phantom, rather than the guy my ex kept showing me he was.

If you see yourself in that list, it is time to stop asking us and take action for yourself.

(in reply to lapgirl)

Post #: 44

RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 11/21/2012 3:05:58 PM

osf

Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline

Not my style but you still wouldn't enjoy my punishments.

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 45

RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 11/22/2012 11:14:28 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sddaddysgirl
I feel like he's crossing the line from Master to abusive prick. When I tried to talk to him about it today he threw my purse at me, causing my cigarette to severely burn my hand, and stormed out.

OK, I've been a smoker for most of my adult life. I can't quite imagine getting a "severe burn" from a cigarette. Sure sure, I've fumbled them from time to time and burnt my fingers and whatnot. But a "severe burn"? I assume you went to a doctor and it was a least 2nd degree and required medical attention, right?

quote:

Am I wrong to question what the hell is going on with us now?

No. You are never wrong to question the reality around you. That would make you "human". I tend to agree with areallivehuman in that "if it feels wrong it probably is" (at least for you).

Generally I'd say that neither of your behaviors would make much sense in my relationship.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to sddaddysgirl)

Post #: 46

RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 11/22/2012 11:30:04 AM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

What everyone else said.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to sddaddysgirl)

Post #: 47

RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 12/30/2012 6:49:24 AM

Mezzalina

Posts: 6
Joined: 12/29/2012
Status: offline

His responses are not what is expected or acceptable from a Dom. My advice, find another Dom. There are some amazing Doms out there looking so don't count yourself short.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 48

RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 12/30/2012 8:27:39 AM

TheLilSquaw

Posts: 2340
Joined: 10/24/2012
From: Middle River, MD
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mezzalina

His responses are not what is expected or acceptable from a Dom. My advice, find another Dom. There are some amazing Doms out there looking so don't count yourself short.

Sorry BAD advice.
Jumping from one relationship to another is rarely a good idea.

OP,
If you can not communicate with your partner regardless of what labels you wear within your relationship, what do you really have?

I would strongly suggest that you sit down with him and have a conversation.
I would suggest using statements like....
I was very (insert your emotion here) when you.....
I felt ............... because....
I need .....

I statements are less aggressive and you are owning your feelings and why you feel/felt that way.

_____________________________

LilSquaw
Lifestyle & ProSwitch
Fetish Model, Producer, and Website Owner

http://www.clips4sale.com/69201
http://www.kinkbomb.com/studio/Sadistic_Babygirl_

(in reply to Mezzalina)

Post #: 49

RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 12/30/2012 10:38:18 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mezzalina

His responses are not what is expected or acceptable from a Dom. My advice, find another Dom. There are some amazing Doms out there looking so don't count yourself short.

Actually, while I agree with getting out of the relationship, finding another Dom isn't the answer. She needs to sit down, take a good long, hard look at herself and figure out why she made that choice and how to avoid making the same mistake again. Then she should look for a new relationship.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Mezzalina)

Post #: 50

RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 12/30/2012 11:44:21 AM

WinsomeDefiance

Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline

I'm not going to advise you on whether or not you should leave your partner. People will remain in relationships, for various reasons, and I'm not here to judge you.

I do know that sometimes there's a sense of needing 'permission' to leave, so I will say that it is ok and right to leave a relationship you don't feel safe in.
Doing so is not 'quitting' or failing.

While you are working through your options, please consider putting aside a bug-out bag. This would contain things you wouldn't want to leave behind, if you ever had to leave in a hurry.
Birth certificates and social security cards for you and any children involved. Medical records, if you have any that are not easily obtained. Pictures you wouldn't want to lose or leave behind. Money, if you can safely and discretely set some aside. A few days worth of clothing for you and any children involved, and weather appropriate apparel. This bag should be taken to a friend you can trust or a family member you know won't go to your partner and talk to them (people will have the best of intentions, not realizing they could be putting you into a dangerous situation.) It isn't uncommon for people in abusive relationships to find themselves isolated from friends and family, so if you don't have someone you feel close enough to leave your bag safely with - a safe deposit box is a good place to leave important papers, just remember that involves having a key in your possession you may have to explain.

I know a bug-out bag seems a bit alarmist, but it was advice given to me 16 years ago and it was good advice.

Nothing you posted, screams that you are in danger, and I know that M/s relationships take many forms - so I will just hope the best for you and that things get better whatever decision you make.

Also, if you do end up leaving and starting over - please do consider counseling, the sooner the better. It is very easy to get into a frame of mind where you push down the myriad of emotions and thoughts - while in survival mode - and find it is years later and you haven't really faced them.

Best wishes,

WinD

< Message edited by WinsomeDefiance -- 12/30/2012 12:23:24 PM >

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 51

RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 12/30/2012 11:53:35 AM

TheLilSquaw

Posts: 2340
Joined: 10/24/2012
From: Middle River, MD
Status: offline

WinD

I love the bag out bag suggestion!

_____________________________

LilSquaw
Lifestyle & ProSwitch
Fetish Model, Producer, and Website Owner

http://www.clips4sale.com/69201
http://www.kinkbomb.com/studio/Sadistic_Babygirl_

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)

Post #: 52

RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 12/30/2012 11:59:09 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sddaddysgirl

Does it matter at all its only been the past year he's been this way? We've been together for seven years and for a long time had a very satisfying, comfortable M/s relationship. This year has been difficult, though. There have been a lot of outside stresses for both of us and its impacted our relationship hard. Its that it is a new thing that makes me feel like it can be fixed somehow...

And really, if he were outright abusing me I wouldn't be here asking what I should do. The smacks and pinches and all are minor, the worst they leave is a red mark for a few hours. Its the sentiment behind them and the loss of control everyone has mentioned that really upsets and bothers me. Him doing something like giving me a black eye would be easier in a way. Its a pretty black and white situation I know to get out of.

It does not matter if this is new behavior, it is still wrong and I think you know that, but are looking for validation on staying with him.

Sometimes it takes a while for a person to show true colors (even after many years) and if something that caused him to act out in anger happened in the past year, he should not be taking it out on you.

I really suggest having an open dialogue about this and if he does not want to talk, leave.

(in reply to sddaddysgirl)

Post #: 53

RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 12/30/2012 12:12:06 PM

WinsomeDefiance

Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline

These type of threads are hard for me, and there are a few things I wanted to add to what I posted above, without burying what I said in a long post that might not get read.

Regarding abusive situations. Very few people wake up one day and are suddenly 'in an abusive relationship.' It usually starts out with small things, and escalates over years.

It is very easy to rationalize and justify bad behavior, especially in the beginning. The thing about doing this, is it gets easier with time and the blame tends to become disproportionately one-sided.

Self-confidence can be worn away, and gone before it is even missed. When something is worn away, something else usually replaces it. In abusive situations, blame and guilt usually take the place of self-confidence and it isn't uncommon for a person in an abusive relationship to blame themselves for their partners actions.

I say this, because of the OP's comment about it all being new and recent.

Relationships can take tough turns, and require commitment and understanding. Bad behavior can be just that, a bad choice, bad action in response to a bad situation. That doesn't mean it is ok to justify the bad behavior. Such things should be addressed, and corrected. If they can't be, and they continue - the likelihood for the bad behavior escalating is fairly common.

I have to go now, and there's more I could say on this topic - but not sure if it is something that would be helpful or not.

WinD

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)

Post #: 54

RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 12/30/2012 9:13:15 PM

tidbit5021

Posts: 49
Joined: 11/26/2012
Status: offline

I don't think it is okay for anyone to throw things at another person in any relationship. It you can't talk to your Master because he is unwilling, it is possible for you to talk to a therapist on your own? A therapist may be able to help you sort out your feelings and help you decide what you should do.

I also like the idea of a "bug-out" bag.

Be safe.

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)

Post #: 55

RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 12/30/2012 9:49:22 PM

TYPHON13

Posts: 4
Joined: 12/30/2012
Status: offline

It seems to me like he is getting abusive. I would prepare to leave and break it to him in a place where he cant get physically violent with you.

Personally, with my sub. I NEVER punish out of anger. It's like when a parent tells you to go to your room, and they will tell you the punishment later. If my sub really, really messes up, Give it 24 hours think about it, cool off, devise a punishment, tell her what it will be. Then i punish in a way that she will not like, but respects her limits.

T

(in reply to tidbit5021)

Post #: 56

RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 12/31/2012 1:47:02 AM

MasterHardhand

Posts: 6
Joined: 12/30/2012
Status: offline

I would say he has forgotten what a Master is. We teach, correct, and disipline. We are not out to harm our slaves and subs. We want them to grow and although a spanking is painful, we want them to be happy and know that we care about them. This guy is not showing he is a master, he is showing that he is merely power hungry.

(in reply to sddaddysgirl)

Post #: 57

RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 12/31/2012 1:54:23 AM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sddaddysgirl
I feel like he's crossing the line from Master to abusive prick.

Which is the point at which you need to have a proper talk.

quote:

When I tried to talk to him about it today he threw my purse at me, causing my cigarette to severely burn my hand, and stormed out.

Which is the point at which you discovered that your suspicion that he's turned into an abusive prick may well have some justification.

quote:

Am I wrong to question what the hell is going on with us now?

Fuck no.

You might want to have another go at talking.... he could be depressed, he could be unwell, there could be all sorts of reasons which you might want to work through with him.

But, if he refuses to talk and continues to be an ass then .... you need to put on your "I'm fucking off face" and...

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to sddaddysgirl)

Post #: 58

RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 1/1/2013 7:56:19 AM

Moonlightmaddnes

Posts: 958
Joined: 6/4/2012
Status: offline

Sounds to me like it is time to leave. I have a friend that was married to a jerk. She would say he was just the head of the house and wanted things done his way etc.. We all told her no he is an abusive jerk and you need to leave. It was not until he slapped her hard enough while she was giving her 2 preschool boys a bath hard enough that she fell into the bath on her babies that she finally got it and had him arrested and a restraining order placed on him.

So you can live in denial and say he is just.... or you can say enough and walk away.

_____________________________

Submission is a gift that must be earned. It can be given, but never taken

(in reply to sddaddysgirl)

Post #: 59

RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 1/6/2013 3:28:16 PM

Fmarinex

Posts: 4
Joined: 12/24/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: whantsonlyu

Not an expert on M/s, but I know abuse when I see it. From what little info you've given sounds like he's crossed the line. I mean there are different degrees and forms of punishments. But throwing a fit like a 2year old and hurting someone just seems wrong. If he can't act like an adult then he doesn't deserve to be called a master.

whantsonlyu is correct. This is flat out abuse, and he is no master.

(in reply to whantsonlyu)

Post #: 60

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