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Why do I feel confused? - 11/27/2012 10:14:54 PM

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Awhile back after moving to a new city I met this guy (we will call him D). i noticed right away that D was somewhat Dom but not all in your face type. We hung out a few times before I let the ball drop that I was submissive towards men.
(I personally think this is where I went wrong but bare with me)

After a few more times of us hanging out, D is somewhat peeved that I'm not so keen on making out and getting physical.
D calls me a prude, which I laugh at and say hardly, it gets slightly childish, before he tells me he doesn't like how I flip from being into him or not being into him.

There was also someone else in the picture at the time and I am not the cheating type, so after one night of D telling me I should be concerned on pleasing him at this point I decide to delete his number and ignore it all.
I never told him about the other guy and had not planed to but a part of me feels like it matters. does it ?

Speed up to a few nights ago when I leave work to have a smoke turn the corner and BAM, there's D.

We go straight back to where we left off, he trying to touch my waist (i was wearing a halter) and me pulling away.

Long story short we hang out that night and end up sleeping together. Mind you the first 5 minute of us hanging out was him telling me I needed to give a bj for how I treated him last time. Dick move ?
(no pun intended)

D wakes me up after I had passed out to tell me I need to catch the train.
Im peeved because I hate to be woken up when tired and also felt he could have told me about having to take the train before.

What am I confused about ?

a part of me honestly thinks D is a jerk and think I should stay away, Im wondering is he truly Dom or just playing the card that was handed.?

another part of me doesnt know where I stand or if I even want to.

Can I just get a male's perspective ?

_____________________________

Love is of all passions the strongest, for it attacks simultaneously the head, the heart and the senses.
Lao Tzu

RE: Why do I feel confused? - 11/27/2012 10:27:30 PM

poise

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Let's say 50 men answer this post by saying that yes, D really is a Dominant.
Is that going to make you see him as less of a dick than he has already shown himself to be?
(hint. the answer is no, or at least it ought to be no)
The great thing about relationships, whether D/s or vanilla is, YOU get to choose who you are happy with.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to LadyLoveLay)

RE: Why do I feel confused? - 11/27/2012 10:33:09 PM

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Without being there and knowing the whole story,it's not easy making a judgement call on this one.But never hurts to listen to that little voice in your head....if it feels wrong,it probably is.The bj thing,well what do you think it was?You did end up in bed with him later.About the train,I'm not sure who had to catch the train,him or you? If it was him,he could and should have told you earlier and maybe left you a note when he left without waking you.If it was you that had to catch a train and he was more or less kicking you out,then I know what I wouldn't ever do again.But this is only my opinion...it is you that knows how you feel and what is right for you.

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RE: Why do I feel confused? - 11/27/2012 10:40:19 PM

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the little voice in my head is into it all, hence my problem.

It was me who had to take the train and yes i did feel like I was being kicked out, though I understand as it was at a friends house. the way it happened peeved him and i essential told him to fuk off when asking for a kiss. lol, yea i can be a jerk too.

The voice in my head comes up as a negative when it comes to holding hands and other forms of pda.

Like if he places his hand at the nape of my neck i will walk away from him, im not into it, it does all kinda weird things to me.

_____________________________

Love is of all passions the strongest, for it attacks simultaneously the head, the heart and the senses.
Lao Tzu

(in reply to punisher440)

RE: Why do I feel confused? - 11/27/2012 11:07:58 PM

AthenaSurrenders

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Dom and dick are not mutually exclusive.

Did he identify as a dom, or are you deciding he is because he's bossy?

He just sounds like a horny dweeb to me. Touching you when you said no, demanding a blow job, kicking you out the next morning.

BUT - I think this is less of a dom/sub issue and more of a 'personal boundaries' issue. You didn't want to get physical with him because you had another guy, yet you ended up doing it anyway. You thought he was a dick with the touching and the demanding blow jobs, but you slept with him anyway. He doesn't like how you sometimes seem into him and sometimes don't, and so you give him what he wants. It does sound like you were giving him mixed signals so it doesn't surprise me it ended up this way.

I think the real issue here is with you. He was horny and into you from the start, there was never any mention of a relationship, so great! He got laid! There's no down side from his point of view. On the other hand you feel dicked about, you cheated on someone (did you?) and you had to wake up early to catch the train. Perhaps you need to practice setting clearer boundaries like 'I want to make it clear that if we hang out today I will not be spending the night' and 'If you don't stop touching me/begging for sex I will go home' and then stick to it.

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Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to LadyLoveLay)

RE: Why do I feel confused? - 11/27/2012 11:15:57 PM

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Op:
This male is having a hard time getting any perspective on this at all. I never would have acted like D and I wouldn't be spending time with a person who behaves like you. Whatever is going on here it's cut from a very different cloth than anything I'm familiar with. But I think that poise and Athena's and Punisher all said wise things.

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I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

RE: Why do I feel confused? - 11/27/2012 11:43:10 PM

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To clarify, I never cheated on anyone and actually was the reason I removed myself from speaking with him was because I was geting involved with someone else.

Thank you Athena, I think you are more than correct in me setting clear boundaries.

_____________________________

Love is of all passions the strongest, for it attacks simultaneously the head, the heart and the senses.
Lao Tzu

(in reply to JeffBC)

RE: Why do I feel confused? - 11/27/2012 11:52:28 PM

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Dude, he isn't dominant...he's just a dude looking to get laid.

What he did is no different than the guy picking up a girl at a bar and then giving her $20 for the taxi ride home.

He simply used the dominant thing as his way in to your cunt, thinking all "submissive" women are easy and sluts. But because you were not easy, you're a "prude" and nothing at all like what a submissive should be.

I couldn't tell you how many times I ran into this during my dating life.

Just because you find bdsm does not mean you park your brain at the door.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 11/27/2012 11:53:20 PM >

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Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to LadyLoveLay)

RE: Why do I feel confused? - 11/28/2012 12:56:11 AM

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From: Sailin the stormy sea
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i see that you are new so Ill be nice kinda. How the hell are we supposed to know dom vs dick??? after writing a few paragraphs... Like really get a grip.

BadOne

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We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to littlewonder)

RE: Why do I feel confused? - 11/28/2012 12:57:27 AM

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i see that you are new so Ill be nice kinda. How the hell are we supposed to know dom vs dick??? after writing a few paragraphs... Like really get a grip.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to littlewonder)

RE: Why do I feel confused? - 11/28/2012 3:33:00 AM

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Two things stand out in the OP. You having a second person most definitely played a factor in this, but not as directly as everyone might think. The on-again/off-again behavior of yours ( "he tells me he doesn't like how I flip from being into him or not being into him" ) was probably due to your thoughts waning back and forth, even if you were consciously trying to keep it to yourself.

However, D. seems to have his own things going on inside. One question I'd have is why did he take you to a friend's house? And why wasn't he upfront about you not being able to spend the night? *Shrugs* I'm not even going to speculate.

From the outside looking in, if there are this many things being an issue so early on, it's not a good long-term fit. Differences don't diminish over time, more come up - and if the two of you are having a difficult time of it now, it's not going to get better later.

That's just my honest opinion.

P.S. Attempting to incorporate D/s into a relationship from vanilla origins is extremely difficult to do, unless both people have been directly involved with D/s previously. The only thing you'll usually achieve, being a submissive attempting to create a "dominant" out of your partner, will be in getting him to role-play, and take on a persona which really isn't who he truly is.

He either naturally assumes such a role, or he doesn't. In this case, you would seem to be reading more into what is there, than really is.

Again, that is just my observation based upon limited information, which is only one side of the story. So take it for what it's worth - which is very little. Only you can know if someone is a good match or not; and it seems like deep inside, you already know.

(in reply to SailingBum)

RE: Why do I feel confused? - 11/28/2012 3:35:34 AM

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Does it matter if he is a dom? Would that make it acceptable, in your book, for him to act like he did? I'm guessing that you still would have been fairly irked.

I do agree that it sounds like he was just using you to get his rocks off, and using the fact that you're submissive was his method for "seducing" you. However, from his perspective, it worked. You went back to his place and slept with him. Even if he's ultimately interested in some sort of relationship with somebody, getting a girl he's attracted to to come home with him is a "win." That's the part where you come in - you need to make sure that doesn't happen (unless you're ok with it).

(in reply to SailingBum)

RE: Why do I feel confused? - 11/28/2012 5:08:12 AM

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I think you two deserve each other, oh yeah!

(in reply to muhly22222)

RE: Why do I feel confused? - 11/28/2012 6:18:47 AM

lizi

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I'm not sure why you are confused - he's shown you what he's about since the beginning. He wants sex, he'll use the tools available to get it, you let him have it. There is no BDSM magic or spells involved to make it anything other than what it is - casual sex. He's not a Dominant, he may have some traits that you see as Dominant but that's about it. It's like saying margarine is butter, it shares some butter characteristics, but it's cheap, greasy, tastes artificial, and can never be truly disguised as the real thing.

I can't really tell from one side of the story, but the guy sounds like an opportunistic dick. If that's not what you're interested in then take your act down the road and find someone else. Looking for someone to match up with relationship-wise has nothing to do with BDSM and everything to do with personality, values, and outlook. Stop trying to view men through some magic lens called kink and think it makes them different- it doesn't. Someone who is an asshole is still going to be a kinky asshole, they don't magically turn into a prize because you slap a title on them and think that they now rise above their assholishness because they now conform somehow to higher standards.

Come on, be logical. The guy showed you what he wanted, he saw some buttons to push within you to get it, you let it happen and now you're wondering why. Next time be more selective. Your lack of boundaries has nothing to do with being kinky either, hold yourself to a higher standard and choose more wisely next time. You are in control of your kinky life and your private activities, make sure you're happy with what you are doing.

(in reply to LadyLoveLay)

RE: Why do I feel confused? - 11/28/2012 6:21:04 AM

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I think he's just a dude looking to get laid who has read a book or 3.

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RE: Why do I feel confused? - 11/28/2012 6:33:49 AM

lizi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam

I think he's just a dude looking to get laid who has read a book or 3.

Heh. Yeah.

The bigger question to me is why do women think that a man is being a Dominant when he acts like an asshole, and then it's magically ok to act like that if being Dominant is the reason behind it? What the hell? Who knew that Dominance was a get out of jail free card? I'm going about this all wrong, I expect my man to be a decent person regardless of some title he chooses to slap onto himself.

(in reply to Hillwilliam)

RE: Why do I feel confused? - 11/28/2012 7:08:27 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyLoveLay

the little voice in my head is into it all, hence my problem.

It was me who had to take the train and yes i did feel like I was being kicked out, though I understand as it was at a friends house. the way it happened peeved him and i essential told him to fuk off when asking for a kiss. lol, yea i can be a jerk too.

The voice in my head comes up as a negative when it comes to holding hands and other forms of pda.

Like if he places his hand at the nape of my neck i will walk away from him, im not into it, it does all kinda weird things to me.

Your instincts said you weren't into him, you sent said message. His "domly ego" got all butt hurt about it & when opportunity presented itself he used you for sex & cast you aside like the plan likely was all along...what's difficult to understand here? Instincts said he was a user, he used you...period. The whole dom or douche arguement is then null & void.

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Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to LadyLoveLay)

RE: Why do I feel confused? - 11/28/2012 7:17:12 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
I think you two deserve each other, oh yeah!

Yeah, that's kind of where I was at too... with the hope that somehow maybe I was missing something because it is all SO alien to me. In the end, though, adults doing adult things in a childish fashion seldom works out well.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

RE: Why do I feel confused? - 11/28/2012 7:34:13 AM

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There's a difference between dominant and domineering.

I agree with the boundaries thing. You need to set some and stand by them, or your experience finding a partner will not be fun.

I'm also curious to see if he has contacted you since you had sex with him.

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(in reply to JeffBC)

RE: Why do I feel confused? - 11/28/2012 7:56:25 AM

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Sounds like you were both acting childish and get off on drama. Try working on your own communication and I yet personal skills, you may find it helps you attract a higher caliber of man.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

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