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A Master's Responsibility - 12/27/2012 2:52:31 PM

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We all talk about what is expected of a slave/sub. I started wondering, what is expected of the master/Dom ? Yes, I know the broad expectations and in cases like Athena or Oside Girl where they are married..how it works but what about the rest? Yes, I know guidance, support, leadership, energy... I just look at the traditional role of "master" and he/she was completely responsible for their "property". The master provided food, shelter, clothing, medical care..everything a slave had was provided by the master. Today, of course, these are free will arrangements but do those of you who have or want slaves (or subs that you have TPE) expect to provide all the basic necessities of your slaves/subs? What about the slaves/subs? Since most people have jobs, student loan, car payments, many are parents...what does your Dom/master provide? Do you get health insurance (joke but a little serious)?

RE: A Master's Responsibility - 12/27/2012 2:54:22 PM

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His only responsibility is to be the man I fell in love with.

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RE: A Master's Responsibility - 12/27/2012 3:08:28 PM

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It really depends on what you expect from your relationship. If a dominant is looking for an s-type who will give up their job, then the s-type is a fool if they don't discuss finances and health benefits since they are likely giving them up. Likewise if a dominant expects their s-type to work and hand over their paycheck, the s-type should know what is going on with their money. Of course, there will always be someone who is naive or foolish and willingly gives those things up just because some dominant told them that was how it works. They usually find themselves homeless and penniless when the jerk is done with them.

D/s and M/s relationships aren't rocket science, they are relationships. Many of the people involved are in loving relationships where D/s or M/s is simply a component of their relationship, so they conduct "business" such as finances, health insurance, etc., like any other couple. Others are involved just for the kink and hopefully are smart enough to work out those details before entering into the arrangement.

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RE: A Master's Responsibility - 12/27/2012 3:36:26 PM

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Similar to what littlewonder said, his responsibility is to be true to himself. I know that doesn't give you much meat to sink your teeth into but I came to love him and give myself to him based on who he is...as he loves me and has me for who I am.

But if you're looking for a meatier reply, he decides what he's responsible for. To that I'd say its leading this relationship in a way that is healthy and fulfilling to both of us. I work, and get my own healthcare/benefits. I have my own retirement plan. We each financially maintain our separate households but when we move in together we will both contribute.

His main responsibility is really to be himself, which is a level headed, kind and loving leader.

< Message edited by NuevaVida -- 12/27/2012 3:37:00 PM >

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RE: A Master's Responsibility - 12/27/2012 4:04:20 PM

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Honestly, I am just curious. There is another site where people "ask experts" questions & on the BDSM board there have been many slaves/subs a asking why, after 2-3 months, the master/Dom who claimed he wanted a TPE or to own a slave becomes, not distant, but like vanilla BFs-they want sex, want them to clean, kneel...but otherwise expects the slave/sub to start "leading their own life" & is no longer interested in making her decisions... It just seems like, many slaves/subs ask the right questions, get the right answers but the Master/Dom suddenly gets busy with his life or gets tired of "owning" a slave...(except they do all seem to remember they own a slave when they want something or if the slave does something they don't like)

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RE: A Master's Responsibility - 12/27/2012 4:13:20 PM

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I'm already married to Carol but if I was taking on a 3rd I'd be expecting to be able to ensure a safe & comfy life. It's exactly the same thought pattern as if I got a dog. I'd be expecting to shoulder the responsibility of it's life. So yeah... responsible for everything. that doesn't mean she'll be sitting around eating bon bons. One of the ways I would "ensure" that is by making sure she had a career. But in the end it's all on me.

To Carol my responsibility is simply to deliver on my wedding vows which pretty much comes down to Maslow's entire hierarchy of needs.

I expect Carol to "lead the life I want her to lead" which isn't exactly her own life but absolutely includes a lot of aspects which are personal to her -- things like her career in painting. I make some of Carol's decisions for her and other times not. In the end though she can always default a decision to me. It's my job. The only time I wouldn't accept that is if there was no possible way anyone but her could know the right answer to the question. But then again Carol was never looking for someone to make all the decisions. She wanted a strong leader to follow which is a vastly different thing.

I'm probably exactly one of the guys those subs/slaves are complaining about.

< Message edited by JeffBC -- 12/27/2012 4:14:53 PM >

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RE: A Master's Responsibility - 12/27/2012 4:18:36 PM

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Sounds like an unhealthy relationship from the get go. The Mister and I have had times when life priorities prevented either of us from being involved in leadership/service as we liked, but we just rolled with it.

Our relationship goes beyond service though (as do many) and if I'm being neglected somehow then I respond to it. But it goes back to being true to ourselves. He's not playing a particular role here, so he naturally leads us. What you described seems like someone who isn't doing what comes naturally, and is instead playing a "part"

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RE: A Master's Responsibility - 12/27/2012 5:12:18 PM

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I've never expected a man, D/s or not, to provide for me. I've always had a job and I'm not a person that's happy being a stay at home wife.

quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss

Honestly, I am just curious. There is another site where people "ask experts" questions & on the BDSM board there have been many slaves/subs a asking why, after 2-3 months, the master/Dom who claimed he wanted a TPE or to own a slave becomes, not distant, but like vanilla BFs-they want sex, want them to clean, kneel...but otherwise expects the slave/sub to start "leading their own life" & is no longer interested in making her decisions... It just seems like, many slaves/subs ask the right questions, get the right answers but the Master/Dom suddenly gets busy with his life or gets tired of "owning" a slave...(except they do all seem to remember they own a slave when they want something or if the slave does something they don't like)

I think the blame goes both ways, as opposed to being entirely on the D type.

1) The behavior that you're talking about is the same in vanilla relationships when a man is no longer emotionally invested in a relationship. I bet you'd find in most of the cases, they made a decision to be in that relationship very quickly. In other words, they're living together in a TPE type relationship without getting to know each other and he has now realized that he's in a relationship where he doesn't like the other person. The majority of relationships in the D/s community last about 3 months, because people rush in and allow their tingly genitals to make the decision...then they figure out that they don't like who they are with.

2) A lot of submissives have unrealistic expectations of the D types. Yes, he's the person in control, but he doesn't make every decision. He expects me to function without being to be told to do every single thing. They expect the fantasy, they get reality....and then blame the Dom for not living up to the fantasy.

3) A lot of the guys on here, regardless of how much experience they say they have, have not been in a full time, live in, TPE relationship. When they get one, they're unprepared and overwhelmed.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 12/27/2012 5:16:22 PM >

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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to NuevaVida)

RE: A Master's Responsibility - 12/27/2012 5:12:21 PM

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I believe that a master is ultimately responsible for the over all well-being of an affair. Living and financial arrangements are discussed and settled. He is the master of 'sex'emonies.

If a slave lives with her master a portion of her income (assuming there is any) would help with expenses while the balance is discussed such as saving and investing.

Otherwise in some cases, I have told slaves 'that is a decision only they can make.' As of this new year for example, I will be assuming responsibility for all financial decisions.

She will however retain decision making concerning her relationships with her family and any job/employer/govt. benefits.

As for anything being the same as 'with any couple'...that is difficult because we are not anything like just 'any other couple' except concerning any other slaves.

(in reply to NuevaVida)

RE: A Master's Responsibility - 12/27/2012 5:28:27 PM

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I think if people saw our relationship in person they would not see anything "bdsm" at all about us. He goes to work, I concentrate on school, I cook, I clean, I run the errands, he expects me to be able to run my own life. It's not like I sit around all day nude or tied up in chains or in a cage, etc....our days look just like everyone else's. The only difference is that at the end of the day, his word is law.

I think many people get into "bdsm" relationships and expect it to be so different; kneeling naked all the time, always being tied up, always expecting him to tell her what to do on each and every thing. They expect it to look like a bdsm fantasy story when in reality that's just not how it's going to be.

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RE: A Master's Responsibility - 12/27/2012 5:32:09 PM

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Have his actions match his words.

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RE: A Master's Responsibility - 12/27/2012 5:33:28 PM

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There seems to be a glut of recent "looking for a slave" ads and questions from masters/doms who have been looking for a long time. I noticed that none of the profiles ever mention what they expect their responsibility to be. I understand what OsideGirl about subs/slaves having an unrealistic expectation but it has me wondering about whether the Doms look at the longterm of taking on a real person. Many talk about relocating someone, or expecting the slave to "pull their weight" & not expect that being sexually available is enough but they don't say much about what a slave receives in return for becoming property...

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RE: A Master's Responsibility - 12/27/2012 5:40:12 PM

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They don't because they are not looking for a relationship. They're looking for a fantasy that they read in online porn.

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RE: A Master's Responsibility - 12/27/2012 5:40:50 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss
I noticed that none of the profiles ever mention what they expect their responsibility to be. I understand what OsideGirl about subs/slaves having an unrealistic expectation but it has me wondering about whether the Doms look at the longterm of taking on a real person.

It's because they've believed the porn and fantasy stories.

It's because they say to themselves "How hard can it be? I just tell her to do something and she'll do it."

It's because they haven't thought it out past then end of their dick.

It's because they lack relationship skills and don't understand that a D/s relationship is still a relationship.

But, they don't hold all of the blame, because the submissive didn't do their due diligence either.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

RE: A Master's Responsibility - 12/27/2012 6:06:16 PM

Kana

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quote:

his responsibility is to be true to himself.

Isn't that what every woman wants from her man?
I mean seriously, men spend their lives trying to understand women, which is just stupid, because they just want us to understand ourselves.

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RE: A Master's Responsibility - 12/27/2012 6:15:55 PM

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JeffBC--your dog analogy is kind of what I was thinking along the lines of. To own something living you must expect and make certain accomodations. I

OsideGirl --you kind of said exactly what I was thinking and have been wondering about every time I read a "looking for a slave who knows that I will own them"...or a couple who want to own a slave (you are often the one pointing out the reality of a 3rd person in an established relationship)...

I am in a thought provoking mood today and this is something that has struck me many times

(in reply to Kana)

RE: A Master's Responsibility - 12/27/2012 7:59:09 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MrRodgers

I believe that a master is ultimately responsible for the over all well-being of an affair. Living and financial arrangements are discussed and settled. He is the master of 'sex'emonies.

If a slave lives with her master a portion of her income (assuming there is any) would help with expenses while the balance is discussed such as saving and investing.

Otherwise in some cases, I have told slaves 'that is a decision only they can make.' As of this new year for example, I will be assuming responsibility for all financial decisions.

She will however retain decision making concerning her relationships with her family and any job/employer/govt. benefits.

As for anything being the same as 'with any couple'...that is difficult because we are not anything like just 'any other couple' except concerning any other slaves.

But BDSM couples are, in most ways, like any other couple, or should be in the ways that count. They care for and about each other. Each considers the needs and wants of the other (yep, even the dominant considers the needs and wants of their s-type). When co-habitating, each has their responsibilities, or should. Certainly, we read about dick dominants, both male and female, who expect their s-type to take on all household chores, inside and out, as well as being the bread winner. What a lovely fantasy, lol.

The reality is that there are many married, vanilla couples where one partner is the "leader," handling all the bills and the decision making. Many in the "kink world" tend to refer to it as a "50s household," but it is just the way some couples have found things work best for them.

As I believe it was littlewonder who said, s-types aren't typically naked and caged or chained all day. People have lives that go beyond the kinky aspects of their relationships. When it comes to relationships involving people who love each other, there really aren't all that many differences between BDSM and vanilla relationships. The financial/healthcare aspects are more comparable to those of married/unmarried couples, and even with the unmarrieds, it is different between those who are cohabitating or not. Obviously, an unmarried couple who cohabitates will likely share expenses and many healthcare programs are now allowing coverage for "significant others" when the pair lives together.

The financial and healthcare questions are something that should be concerns for any couple considering living together or where one partner may not work outside the home. Whether there is kink in the relationship or not is irrelevant.

(in reply to MrRodgers)

RE: A Master's Responsibility - 12/27/2012 8:16:19 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

quote:

his responsibility is to be true to himself.

Isn't that what every woman wants from her man?
I mean seriously, men spend their lives trying to understand women, which is just stupid, because they just want us to understand ourselves.

Bingo

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to Kana)

RE: A Master's Responsibility - 12/27/2012 8:30:38 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
I think if people saw our relationship in person they would not see anything "bdsm" at all about us. He goes to work, I concentrate on school, I cook, I clean, I run the errands, he expects me to be able to run my own life. It's not like I sit around all day nude or tied up in chains or in a cage, etc....our days look just like everyone else's. The only difference is that at the end of the day, his word is law.

I think many people get into "bdsm" relationships and expect it to be so different; kneeling naked all the time, always being tied up, always expecting him to tell her what to do on each and every thing. They expect it to look like a bdsm fantasy story when in reality that's just not how it's going to be.

This is how it is for us also. It's just two old, boring, married folks where "my word is law". Honestly, about the only thing anyone would really see is her coming to me to get her collar on/off since she doesn't wear it outside anymore.

quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss
...has me wondering about whether the Doms look at the longterm of taking on a real person.

There's no need to wonder. Or, let me put it differently. I would say about 98% of the "masters" I see looking for a slave are not at all thinking about the actuality of taking ownership of a human being.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady
The reality is that there are many married, vanilla couples where one partner is the "leader," handling all the bills and the decision making.

And honestly, given that Carol and I don't have any "kink" it would be near impossible to tell our marriage from any of those vanilla marriages. About the only thing I can figure is that my span of control is quite a bit broader than you'd see there. For instance, having one's wife perform sexually for another male (when she isn't natively poly/swinger/whatever) wouldn't normally be accepted even in a strongly male-led marriage. But situations like that seldom come up anyway. On a day to day basis we are simply a vanilla marriage with a strong male lead. Heck, even saying "I make all the decisions" is a bit of bullshit. Yes, I make the call in the end but near 100% of the time our thoughts have converged anyway and I'm just rubber stamping the results of the discussion.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to littlewonder)

RE: A Master's Responsibility - 12/27/2012 8:54:47 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady
The reality is that there are many married, vanilla couples where one partner is the "leader," handling all the bills and the decision making.

And honestly, given that Carol and I don't have any "kink" it would be near impossible to tell our marriage from any of those vanilla marriages. About the only thing I can figure is that my span of control is quite a bit broader than you'd see there. For instance, having one's wife perform sexually for another male (when she isn't natively poly/swinger/whatever) wouldn't normally be accepted even in a strongly male-led marriage. But situations like that seldom come up anyway. On a day to day basis we are simply a vanilla marriage with a strong male lead. Heck, even saying "I make all the decisions" is a bit of bullshit. Yes, I make the call in the end but near 100% of the time our thoughts have converged anyway and I'm just rubber stamping the results of the discussion.

JeffBC-(Sigh) self-awareness in a Dom is so...progressive.

I do understand LW, Jeff, Oside...that you all are pretty much "average" couples with mortgages, child care issues, what to do on Sat...

(in reply to JeffBC)

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