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Playing a Domme to be submissive...help. - 11/7/2004 5:20:50 PM

frozenrose

Posts: 1
Joined: 4/17/2004
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I have a dilemma. I'm sort of dating this "Dom" now. He's very new to the lifestyle and has basically no experience. I've been into the lifestyle real time since I was 16. I'm 21 now and I havent had a vanilla relationship in 5 years. I dont want a vanilla relationship either.

Everyone I've ever been with has been older then him and also much more experienced. He's 21 as well, and I've never been with someone that's less then five years older then me. I've never been in this situation. Normally, I would just say forget it and move on; however, I like his personality. There's more then the sexual attraction and I dont want to throw that away. I know he will easily catch on. He's very interested in bdsm. He interested in all of the things that get me off. He wants to do this, but needs help.

How do I help him? How do I teach him without being seen in a "Domme light?" I know I wont get off at all if I have to tell him what/when to say things to me. Is this just something I suck up until he gets the hang of it?

Any comments/advice would be greatly appreciated.

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RE: Playing a Domme to be submissive...help. - 11/7/2004 5:43:03 PM

MrThorns

Posts: 919
Joined: 6/4/2004
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I believe it to be somewhat "unwise" for a submissive to try and train his or her dominant as such training seems to really undermine the dynamic of the relationship. My best advice would be to help him in finding a Mentor from which he can learn a lot of the skills he will need. Check out your local groups.

~Thorns

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RE: Playing a Domme to be submissive...help. - 11/7/2004 6:19:17 PM

MistressFire70

Posts: 378
Joined: 7/25/2004
From: North Carolina
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This can be a hard one. He may not be ready to received instruction from someone else, but, if you yourself get into the pattern of topping from the bottom, the relationship may never move from that and you’ll never get what you need.

See if he’s interested in reading some books. There are a lot of good ones out there. Even an online group would be a start.

See if he’s interested in going to some groups where he can learn skills.

If you’re talking about SM skills rather than sexual skills, teaching him to Dominant another man or woman might be an idea.

If you’re poly, then you can work the sexual that way too.

Fire

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RE: Playing a Domme to be submissive...help. - 11/7/2004 7:52:18 PM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
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This is a very similar situation to the one I was in with my partner when we first got together. I have been active since I was 17, and he was just getting invovled.

To this end, we maintained a semi-polyamorous relationship with the couple whom I served before I began dating him. (I live with him and they are 8 hours away. It was a bit of work, but it was a good thing) I continued to serve them, and he watched our intereactions, read a lot, and experemented with me, under their close and long distance instruction and learned what pleased him. He -did- ask me for advice, mostly feedback about phsycial and mental sensations- ie how was what he was doing affecting me, but mostly he was able to learn the ropes, so to speak, from someone else.

We kept this up untill he felt ready to become my sole dominant partner. About 5 months ago, he and the couple talked about it, and he is now my sole partner. Which is pretty flippin' amazing.

Ok, long-winded advice, but like I said, this is almost the same situation I was in.

If he's ok with it, get invovled with someone else. Doesn't have to be someone older, if that makes him uncomfortable, just a top with more experience. It removes the possiblity of your accidentally taking the dominant role and confusing the poor boy. Don't be afraid to answer any and all questions he has though, as politely and thoroughly as possible. Feedback helps, it seems, as long as it isn't...well...inappropriate.

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RE: Playing a Domme to be submissive...help. - 11/7/2004 8:46:42 PM

TaurusMCMLVIII

Posts: 88
Joined: 1/20/2004
Status: offline

quote:

How do I help him? How do I teach him without being seen in a "Domme light?"

There are a number of ways to help him. Keep encouraging him to learn more about BDSM. Provide him with literature and useful web sites. Starting at collar forum would be a good move. Then there are a lot of great books. Take him to munches and clubs to see others. Finally, locating a mentor would be an excellent way for him to learn quickly. I would suggest that you both approve of the Dom to ensure he is being mentored with the philosopher that matches your beliefs/needs.
Good luck and keep enjoying yourselves.

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No, I said a domme light! - 11/7/2004 9:18:43 PM

Suleiman

Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
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I have heard of bottoms successfully training newbie doms, and I consider some of these anecdotes to be at least somewhat reliable, but I have never actually known anyone for whom it was true, nor is the information I have second-hand, thus I must consider it to be highly suspect. Without first-hand or second-hand knowledge, I can not tell you what was done or not done. It would be moot in any respect, however, since their situations would have been unique. I believe that in each case the submissive had MANY years of experience in the community - greater than yours by a factor of three or four. Also, there is simply more community support available in the Bay Area than in most parts of the world, and I do not know how much informal mentoring was involved.

If your partner is not willing to take on a mentor, why not see about workshops and seminars that you can attend together? Whenever some technique or toy is being discussed, you can tell him whether you've tried that before and if you liked it. It might help to give him feedback and information without actually having you tell him what to do or how to do it in scene.

Creative writing is another option. My wife is very kink-friendly, but I am definately the accomplished perv in our relationship. Some times I've introduced her to some idea or another through writing a short story, before bringing it up as a real-world option. My situation is different than yours, however, in that we both switch, so I have no problems with doing something to her a few times before suggesting that perhaps she try it on me.

Really, the aforementioned mentoring is the best idea. If he's uncomfortable with a formal mentor relationship, introduce him to other doms and get him to interact with them in social situations. Encourage him to ask questions - most domly sorts I know are happy to answer questions once in a while, so if he knows enough of them, he'll get all his questions answered. Take him to play parties so that he can observe other players in-scene. There's no shame in not participating, I know any number of people who hit the party scene and never actually do any scening.

There's any number of books on the subject that cover basic safety issues, and really once he's got that down - where not to hit, how not to tie you up - why not try him out on a few light toys, suede floggers, leather paddles, things even a novice can't mess up? Who knows, he may surprise you. It may just be inexperience and insecurity that's holding him back, and once he's been reassurred that he won't hurt you (or that you won't suddenly get up and leave him because he's been beating you) he could suddenly develop a real talent for what he's doing.

Any way, them's my two bits. Not knowing the particulars of your situation, that's as much as I can offer, although doubtless others with greater wisdom in this area will offer their sage advice as well.

~S

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RE: Playing a Domme to be submissive...help. - 11/8/2004 6:59:35 AM

OrientalMistress

Posts: 34
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: frozenrose

My dear one,
As an experienced Mistress married to a Domme now some 49 years, allow Me to share Our thoughts regarding your "dilemma"...
We see two other probable solutions {you having already stated your reluctance to move on}.
1. The first, and perhaps the most practical depending upon your location, is to suggest, respectfully, that in order to gain the most ifrom the depth of your relationship, a mentor might prove helpful ...someone willing to take you both under His {or Her} wing to guide you. If you do select this method, ensure that the Mentor is one who agrees with your young Master and you see as your purpose. For example, you would not wish a Master skilled in developing pain sluts if that is not where you both desire you to be.
2. The second, and a bit more tenuous in nature, is to sit down with your young Dom in order to, respectfully, detemine the strengths and weaknesses of you both. One way to start is to use one of the fine checklists on several sites...or you may ask Me for one.. Each of your will fill it out separately and in private...being totally honest...then come together and compare. Where there are differences, agree on whatever compormise you choose together.

Keep in mind that the Dom and the submissive are but two parts of the same whole and building their strengths and weaknesses, their aim is to improve that whole...{not just one half}...the closer the fit, the stronger the relationship.

It is truly important, as you as an experienced submissive know, that your young Dom not use any instrument on you in which He has not been trained. Safety is a prime, if not the prime responsibility for any Dom/me.
And there is much inaccuracy in both photo and written form disguising iteself as "how to" information. So care is your watch word.

If the two of you are willing to do some work in cyber, I may find some time in My already quite full schedule. If nothing else, I would be willing to discuss a few things with your young Dom, should He be willing.

I do wish the two you the best.

Orietal Mistress...

I have a dilemma. I'm sort of dating this "Dom" now. He's very new to the lifestyle and has basically no experience. I've been into the lifestyle real time since I was 16. I'm 21 now and I havent had a vanilla relationship in 5 years. I dont want a vanilla relationship either.

Everyone I've ever been with has been older then him and also much more experienced. He's 21 as well, and I've never been with someone that's less then five years older then me. I've never been in this situation. Normally, I would just say forget it and move on; however, I like his personality. There's more then the sexual attraction and I dont want to throw that away. I know he will easily catch on. He's very interested in bdsm. He interested in all of the things that get me off. He wants to do this, but needs help.

How do I help him? How do I teach him without being seen in a "Domme light?" I know I wont get off at all if I have to tell him what/when to say things to me. Is this just something I suck up until he gets the hang of it?

Any comments/advice would be greatly appreciated.

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RE: Playing a Domme to be submissive...help. - 11/8/2004 3:53:12 PM

Nvernilla

Posts: 303
Joined: 10/1/2004
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One of the flaws in the educational system is the belief that you must be domineering to instruct........ or was that the flaw of the ego's in the educational system?...Mykal

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RE: Playing a Domme to be submissive...help. - 11/8/2004 9:14:05 PM

111597

Posts: 22
Joined: 11/8/2004
Status: offline

From an actual Domme's perspective, he is giving you a lot of bull. First all, please don't take this the wrong way, if you have been in the lifestyle since you were 16, why would you go out with a vanillla? My first rule is I do not go out with a vanilla.
If your relationship was stable, and he was committed to you, then I would advise to seek help of a Mentor or someone you feel comfortable with.
You are too young, to go through life worried. Go out to your local BDSM club and find someone who will be good to you.
Playing domme would be like you are manipulating your top from the bottom. Then you have another delima. It is not that easy. Smile, and Keep looking.

Respectfully,

Mistress_jan

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