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Meeting someone. How to get less nervous?! - 2/7/2013 4:06:49 PM

agent0fchaos

Posts: 34
Joined: 1/31/2013
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I am so incredibly nervous. I am meeting a dominant guy for the first time in probably five years. We've talked online for a week, and have good chemistry there, but you never know how it will be in person. (I like to keep the online time short, so we don't build each other up based on online personas and actually get to know the -real- other person.)

So...
Tell me stories of your first meets good or bad. Give me suggestions to make the meeting go well. And please, please wish me luck.

Reading your stories will help me kill time till Sunday. And hold back this horrific case of nerves.

< Message edited by agent0fchaos -- 2/7/2013 4:20:23 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: Meeting someone. How to get less nervous?! - 2/7/2013 4:30:52 PM

LafayetteLady

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Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
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It's normal to be nervous meeting someone for the first time that you hope will become something "special," for lack of a better term.

Best thing to do? Treat it as a first date. No play, no D/s, just two people going on a date to meet each other face to face and get to know each other. I assume you are meeting in a public place, and you know the general safety guidelines? It's also always good to have a friend call you about 30 minutes into the date (this would be even in a vanilla blind date). If things are going horrible, then you can use the friend as an emergency to leave. If things are going great (as I hope they will be for you), then you let the friend know you are on a date and can't talk at the moment (making sure the friend knows that would mean you are having a good time). If, heaven forbid, the friend calls and you feel you are in some danger of this man, then make sure you have some kind of code with the friend to let them know.

In other words, don't sweat it, don't get your hopes up, and try to just enjoy yourself. Even if there is no chemistry when you meet, you might have made a new friend.

(in reply to agent0fchaos)

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RE: Meeting someone. How to get less nervous?! - 2/7/2013 4:32:17 PM

TNDommeK

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That sounds perfect.^^^

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RE: Meeting someone. How to get less nervous?! - 2/7/2013 4:36:27 PM

agent0fchaos

Posts: 34
Joined: 1/31/2013
Status: offline

Thank you!

I'm comfortable with the -hows- of meeting. I've done my fair share of first meets, in the past. It's just been quite a while and I haven't met anyone I like quite this much in a long time. We're meeting at a coffee shop, my husband is dropping me off and picking me up, so there's a safety valve built in.

I dunno. I guess I know all the mechanics, I'm just stressed about the emotions :)

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Post #: 4

RE: Meeting someone. How to get less nervous?! - 2/7/2013 4:58:29 PM

kalikshama

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I practice non-attachment, bring a book, and have a plan B.

Also, the more first dates you go on, the easier it gets.

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RE: Meeting someone. How to get less nervous?! - 2/7/2013 5:18:26 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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No expectations. Believe me, you'll be glad for this.

Just go and relax. They are no different than you.

I personally have never been nervous when meeting people because I just never expected anything at all. I would go and say to myself, "so he's ugly, doesn't show up or no chemistry. At least I had a great cup of coffee and got out of the house for awhile."

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RE: Meeting someone. How to get less nervous?! - 2/7/2013 5:21:14 PM

agent0fchaos

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Joined: 1/31/2013
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Thank you. That helps a lot, actually.

I'm good at psyching myself up/out, so I've just got to remember-- no expectations.

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RE: Meeting someone. How to get less nervous?! - 2/7/2013 6:36:47 PM

theRose4U

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Joined: 8/22/2005
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Whoa wait a second...your husband is dropping you off?? You are talking about a poly arrangement & husband isn't even going to look him over...umm wow

< Message edited by theRose4U -- 2/7/2013 6:37:40 PM >

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RE: Meeting someone. How to get less nervous?! - 2/7/2013 7:14:23 PM

EsotericLady

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MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY!!!!!!

quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U

Whoa wait a second...your husband is dropping you off?? You are talking about a poly arrangement & husband isn't even going to look him over...umm wow

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Post #: 9

RE: Meeting someone. How to get less nervous?! - 2/7/2013 7:26:56 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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I don't think this is a poly situation, more of a play partner type thing and not all couples want to know what their partner does. But it's still an open relationship. They just have no need to meet the other if it's just a play partner. Otherwise they may be meeting someone new once a day or once a week lol.

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RE: Meeting someone. How to get less nervous?! - 2/7/2013 8:31:15 PM

SomethingCatchy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U

Whoa wait a second...your husband is dropping you off?? You are talking about a poly arrangement & husband isn't even going to look him over...umm wow

I'm specifically looking for a poly relationship and have no interest in involving my husband in first meetings. He'll know about them, but why stir the pot up when it could be nothing special? I'd rather get to know someone, know that I want to give them more access to my personal life, and THEN involve my husband to see how the two of them get along.

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RE: Meeting someone. How to get less nervous?! - 2/7/2013 8:33:32 PM

agent0fchaos

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Joined: 1/31/2013
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Why on earth would my husband need to look over -my- potential partner, until that partner actually becomes someone I'm dating? We don't date together, the person isn't a partner for my husband.

If we end up dating, sure, I'd like my two partners to meet one another, just so everything's above board, but unless that happens...we don't see the need for my primary to pass judgement on someone that I haven't even dated.

That sounded snippy. I apologize. What I'm trying to say is that we're not looking for someone to join -our- relationship. We're looking for someone to have a relationship with me.

Thinking about it, we may approach polyamory different than some people here? Partners relate to the people they're partners of (either him or me). If we all end up as friends, awesome. If not, well, that's ok. Everyone knows we're married, and that that relationship is firmly primary. I can see vetos happening if I, say, come home in tears, but barring things that effect our mental and emotional health, our partnerships are one-on-one.

edited for weird sentence construction

< Message edited by agent0fchaos -- 2/7/2013 8:34:43 PM >

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RE: Meeting someone. How to get less nervous?! - 2/7/2013 8:35:58 PM

agent0fchaos

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Joined: 1/31/2013
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy

I'm specifically looking for a poly relationship and have no interest in involving my husband in first meetings. He'll know about them, but why stir the pot up when it could be nothing special? I'd rather get to know someone, know that I want to give them more access to my personal life, and THEN involve my husband to see how the two of them get along.

You said it in a lot fewer words, and without some rather odd pronoun references.

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)

Post #: 13

RE: Meeting someone. How to get less nervous?! - 2/7/2013 8:37:11 PM

poise

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It's 4 and 1/2 hours closer to Sunday since you first posted, so the wait isn't as long now. Good luck!

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Post #: 14

RE: Meeting someone. How to get less nervous?! - 2/7/2013 10:13:32 PM

Duskypearls

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Joined: 8/21/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: agent0fchaos

Thank you. That helps a lot, actually.

I'm good at psyching myself up/out, so I've just got to remember-- no expectations.

The answer is right above. In direct proportion to as good as you are at psyching yourself out (a learned bad habit), you are capable of being just as good at psyching yourself in (a learned good habit). The more you practice the better you get.

Tell youself regardless of the person or situation, you WILL have a GOOD TIME, feel relaxed and safe.

As others have wisely stated before me, have NO EXPECTATIONS, other than you're going out to meet someone and have coffee or a bit. Don't put too much weight on any of it. No decisions need to be made, unless he becomes uncouth or untowardly forward.

Keep the conversation light. DO NOT lead with your kink! Investigate each other as regular people. Give yourself permission to laugh and be playful, if that's what you like to be.

Be kind, but not a doormat. Make inquiry...ask many questions. Share what is important to you.

Read the tone and resonance of his voice. Notice if he makes good eye contact. Does he answer your questions adequately? Does he get too touchy too soon? If so, set boundaries. Make no committments you're not totally comfortable with.

If it goes neutral or good, great. If not, you are entitled to say you wish to end the meet without explanation, unless you feel like giving one. Thank him for his time and energy, and feel free to truthfully say that was it, or you're open to more.

If worst comes to worst, and you can't get over your feelings of nervousness, give yourself permission to be nervous. Maybe take a bold chance and tell him that's what you're feeling. So few people are willing to be honest about such things. It might make for a better start.

Good luck Darlin', you'll be fine! And remember....no one ever died from nervous!

< Message edited by Duskypearls -- 2/7/2013 10:17:36 PM >

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Post #: 15

RE: Meeting someone. How to get less nervous?! - 2/7/2013 10:17:34 PM

JeffBC

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From: Canada
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You could focus on the actual meeting rather than your hopes about the future. You like this guy right? Well, you're going to get a chance to meet someone you like. It may or may not go anywhere but it has every chance of at least being a pleasant time. Go all zen and whatnot and live in the now.

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RE: Meeting someone. How to get less nervous?! - 2/7/2013 10:45:21 PM

AthenaSurrenders

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Joined: 3/15/2012
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FR

You've had some excellent advice here. I really hope you have a pleasant first meeting, whether or not it goes any further.

My one and only experience of meeting someone from the internet resulted in a happy marriage, but I'm not going to tell the story of our first meet because I broke all the rules and couldn't in good conscience tell people to do what we did.

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Post #: 17

RE: Meeting someone. How to get less nervous?! - 2/7/2013 11:17:09 PM

subinsilicon

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Joined: 1/7/2013
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quote:

ORIGINAL: agent0fchaos
Reading your stories will help me kill time till Sunday. And hold back this horrific case of nerves.

Why don't you tell "us" a story?

(in reply to agent0fchaos)

Post #: 18

RE: Meeting someone. How to get less nervous?! - 2/7/2013 11:20:52 PM

seekingreality

Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: agent0fchaos

I am so incredibly nervous. I am meeting a dominant guy for the first time in probably five years. We've talked online for a week, and have good chemistry there, but you never know how it will be in person. (I like to keep the online time short, so we don't build each other up based on online personas and actually get to know the -real- other person.)

So...
Tell me stories of your first meets good or bad. Give me suggestions to make the meeting go well. And please, please wish me luck.

Reading your stories will help me kill time till Sunday. And hold back this horrific case of nerves.

I don't get nervous. I accept that a lot of first dates off the Internet won't work -- I won't find the person attractive in person or we won't have chemistry.

So I just go into in with no expectations. Then it's just a matter of being a person and talking to someone.

(in reply to agent0fchaos)

Post #: 19

RE: Meeting someone. How to get less nervous?! - 2/7/2013 11:37:34 PM

Blankpain

Posts: 127
Joined: 5/20/2010
Status: offline

Take a deep breath.

(in reply to seekingreality)

Post #: 20

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