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naughty on purpose? - 2/11/2013 5:23:38 PM   
MrsBurns


Posts: 3
Joined: 2/11/2013
Status: offline 		Just getting started in the BDSM world. My boyfriend loves serving me and wants me to be his Mistress. I'm good with this so far, I just don't always know how to respond. I don't think being a Mistress comes very naturally to me, but my bf swears I'm doing a good job. So my question for tonight is, I know that my bf is doing some naughty things on purpose, in search of punishment. The little bit that I have read so far tells me that I should not respond to this. Comments or suggestions?
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RE: naughty on purpose? - 2/11/2013 5:30:09 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14414
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		I would sit down and have a serious talk. Deliberate disobeying isn't a good thing.

If he wants to play "funishment" games, that's fine, but there is a time and place for it. If that's the case, or if he's just feeling the need for some kink, then set up a system where he can have those needs fulfilled.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to MrsBurns)
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RE: naughty on purpose? - 2/11/2013 5:41:36 PM   
MrsBurns


Posts: 3
Joined: 2/11/2013
Status: offline 		Thanks for the repoly, OsideGirl. I appreciate it!

(in reply to OsideGirl)
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RE: naughty on purpose? - 2/11/2013 6:00:39 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

Sounds a lot like the boyfriend is topping from the bottom, which is one of those things that does not fly in my world either. I second what OsideGirl had to say...a serious discussion is in order. The goal is you controlling him, not him controlling you. Good luck

(in reply to MrsBurns)
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RE: naughty on purpose? - 2/11/2013 8:04:35 PM   
msjustlooking


Posts: 28
Joined: 12/10/2011
Status: offline 		I cannot stand the brat thing. Its irritating and sucks all the fun out of it. One of the rules I have always had is "if you feel like you need punishment just ask for it." There is no need for acting out or deliberately trying to tick me off. Just ask and you shall receive.

(in reply to MrsBurns)
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RE: naughty on purpose? - 2/11/2013 8:43:42 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline 		Me either. Can't stand the brat thing, it will get you nowhere with me. One of my rules is, if you think you need punishment or play, ASK me. Don't brat for it because that will get you something you DON'T want and, believe me, I CAN come up w/ something you DON'T want. hehe

NBMG

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I'm now SweetlySadistic1 on CollarSpace. NBMG is an old profile, please see my new one.


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RE: naughty on purpose? - 2/11/2013 9:16:07 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl

Me either. Can't stand the brat thing, it will get you nowhere with me. One of my rules is, if you think you need punishment or play, ASK me. Don't brat for it because that will get you something you DON'T want and, believe me, I CAN come up w/ something you DON'T want. hehe

NBMG

Ditto this!! If you're in charge YOU are in charge. Do as I say or get the fuck out. Brat for attention gets punishment...no slappy spanky but standing in a corner holding a dime against the wall recounting your sins...then sleeping alone.

Think about things you hate doing. Mopping floors, chopping onions, laundry. Do your feet hurt at the end of the day? Is his look at me not annoying enough for punishment but needs to be addressed outside a good talk...turn him into a foot rest & popcorn holder while you turn on the vagina monologues chick flick marathon.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to NiceButMeanGirl)
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RE: naughty on purpose? - 2/12/2013 2:31:34 PM   
HarryVanWinkle


Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MrsBurns

Just getting started in the BDSM world. My boyfriend loves serving me and wants me to be his Mistress. I'm good with this so far, I just don't always know how to respond. I don't think being a Mistress comes very naturally to me, but my bf swears I'm doing a good job. So my question for tonight is, I know that my bf is doing some naughty things on purpose, in search of punishment. The little bit that I have read so far tells me that I should not respond to this. Comments or suggestions?


What constitutes proper behavior in your relationship with him is entirely for you and he to decide.

Beware of Internet sites that tell you what you "should" or "should not" respond to. They have a strong tendency to preach "The One True Way of BDSM." There is no "One True Way." Each relationship is as unique as the people involved in it and the rules for it should be made by them alone. I'm not saying ignore what you see online. I'm saying take it with a very LARGE grain of salt. When you read things that appeal to you, use them. When you read things that don't, ignore them.

For myself, YMMV, I'm not big on the whole idea of "punishment." I'm not a child and haven't been one for decades. I prefer adult relationships, adult relationships that involve a great deal of SM. I don't crave "punishment." I don't want a mistress to beat me because I've been "naughty." Hell, I despise the very word, "naughty."

What I crave is pain, pain inflicted by a sadist because she ENJOYS inflicting it, because the way I growl, starting subvocally and getting louder and louder until it becomes screams then turns to whimpers turns her on.

If I displease her, it's something that needs to be discussed, not something needs to be "punished."

(in reply to MrsBurns)
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RE: naughty on purpose? - 2/12/2013 5:21:55 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MrsBurns

Just getting started in the BDSM world. My boyfriend loves serving me and wants me to be his Mistress. I'm good with this so far, I just don't always know how to respond. I don't think being a Mistress comes very naturally to me, but my bf swears I'm doing a good job. So my question for tonight is, I know that my bf is doing some naughty things on purpose, in search of punishment. The little bit that I have read so far tells me that I should not respond to this. Comments or suggestions?


I have no comments.

(Several suggestions....no comments).

(in reply to MrsBurns)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: naughty on purpose? - 2/15/2013 11:02:50 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		Harry's answer was great. There is no one true way, and You (the OP) might be a person who likes having a bratty boy and getting into the naughty brings punishment routine. However, from My observations of those who thought that would be fun initially, they later found they had created a nasty rod for their own backs, and it got old very quickly. Breaking that routine proved very hard if not impossible for the people I know. Plus, in a wider circle, it can annoy the hell out of others! Master and I met up with one D/s couple on our travels and she was a brat. Her Dom looked beaten and resigned to it ... Master was getting so sick of it HE was wanting to punish her (and not in a nice spanky way) LOL, and it was irritating My Domme side and making my sub side cringe with embarrassment. But if it's for You and Yours, then it's Your right to go for it.

However, Your message came across to Me as if the advice You'd read had resonated with You. In which case, absolutely, hold to what You want if You want to be the One in control. Do NOT reward bratty behaviour, and if You feel the need to punish such behaviour be very very careful with Your choice of punishment. Make sure it is definitely NOT something the sub could get some kind of kick out of. My tendency would be simply to explain that such behaviour just shuts You down, and only willing obedience is going to re-open You. Then just treat them as polite strangers ... cut off the attention and emotional investment ... don't necessarily physically banish them (though a time out for thinking about things can work for some subs) ... but be cool and distant. That works for most! Don't thaw immediately You hear the word sorry unless You are 100% convinced it is genuine, I usually say it is "easy to SAY sorry ... I want to SEE that you are BEING sorry". Once the immediate situation has calmed down or preferably before the next arises, have a good serious talk about needs, wants, desires, attention-seeking ... and define how You want to receive information about these aspects from Your sub, and Your plans for dealing with these. These could vary from daily maintenance spankings, to weekly play dates, to play rewards for good behaviour, or to promising a "funishment" scene sometimes. Whatever the 2 of you negotiate becomes a mutual commitment. If circumstances mean breaking that commitment (eg illness of one partner) then that should be discussed.

Finally, we all had to start somewhere, and for many, it was a case of learning as you go. You may well be a natural! But it always pays to ask lots of questions then sift the advice for what resonates with YOU so You develop Your personal style.

Good luck!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: naughty on purpose? - 2/16/2013 12:43:31 AM   
xLaChienne


Posts: 259
Joined: 11/12/2011
Status: offline 		Oh, you should respond to it. In a way that will make him never want to act out instead of talk to you about his needs with a punishment that truly is and nothing that he would enjoy.

(in reply to MrsBurns)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: naughty on purpose? - 2/16/2013 12:53:21 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Hello you've had some awesome replies so far, so mine won't add a great deal,

Personally, I'd find deliberate naughtiness really irritating. If it irritates you too, you might consider what punishments would work as a deterrent - If he's doing it to prompt a spanking, then plainly a spanking isn't going to be a "punishment", so perhaps some corner time?

If you don't find it irritating, then.... don't worry - as others have said, you need to be doing what works for you!

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to MrsBurns)
Profile   Post #: 12
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