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Collared Submissive? - 2/19/2013 6:13:32 PM

Alic3

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Joined: 2/19/2013
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My Master used to have a contracted collared sub who lived with him. They almost got married, but she cheated on him and broke his heart. He is still recovering from that heartbreak, even though its been over a year. Aside from being a good girl for him, I want to fix him and hopefully have him love me like he did her.

However, I have no knowledge about being collared. I've learned a little bit from the web searches I've done, about what it means and whatnot. But I am curious as to what a collared does different for her/his Master than a regular submissive? Is it more intimate? Does it include things like house work and other 'chores' outside of the bedroom? If you have a collared sub or are one yourself, what do you do?

RE: Collared Submissive? - 2/19/2013 6:17:43 PM

Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline

Sweet Jesus your posts are setting off so many alarm bells I thought a fire truck hit the house.

So far we know guys just started dating, he wants to collar you, wants a threesome (which you do not want, and he pouted and became upset), he's "broken" and... Is comparing you to her in some sort of sick competition?

Dafuq?

Get out of there before I see you on the news, please.

_____________________________

HBIC

(in reply to Alic3)

RE: Collared Submissive? - 2/19/2013 6:26:39 PM

Posts: 380
Joined: 7/29/2012
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i think it is important for you to understand that we cannot "fix" someone else... only ourselves. also... saying you want him to love you like he did his former... that is putting a lot of pressure on yourself. perhaps you could just focus on being the best you possible and want him to love you for being you.

as for being collared... i think that term means something different to each individual. with my former i was a collared slave in that i wore a collar. it didn't effect the things i did for him though. i cooked, cleaned, cared for his children and pets, as well as the bedroom play. for me serving as his slave just included all of that.

(in reply to Alic3)

RE: Collared Submissive? - 2/19/2013 6:27:30 PM

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

Two things....

To me, "collared" implies committment; mutual committment to each other. Think engagement or wedding ring type mutual committment. For mine, there is no other submissive in the equation.

The other point I find a little more disturbing. That anyone still getting over heartbreak from another doesn't sound like good relationship material, vanilla or D/s. Setting yourself up for a hard fall there....

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to Alic3)

RE: Collared Submissive? - 2/19/2013 6:28:49 PM

Alic3

Posts: 13
Joined: 2/19/2013
Status: offline

Thanks for answering my questions -_-
I didn't say he wanted to collar me. I was curious as to the boundaries of his previous relationship and how it is different from what we have now. Yes, he wants a threesome but I've since discussed it with him and is willing to wait until we can build trust. And of course he is broken. Wouldn't you be if you fell in love with the person & their kids, raised them like your own for four years, and suddenly out of now where she sends you a text saying she's been cheating and is leaving?
He has never compared me to her. I have continuously apologized for not being her, and he has told me to never apologize for it, that I treat him way better than she ever did.
You are making him out to be a bad person, when in reality I just want some questions answered.

(in reply to Lynnxz)

RE: Collared Submissive? - 2/19/2013 6:32:04 PM

Alic3

Posts: 13
Joined: 2/19/2013
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Maybe not necessarily 'fix', but I definitely want to help him through the issues he still has from it.

(in reply to breagha)

RE: Collared Submissive? - 2/19/2013 6:33:09 PM

Alic3

Posts: 13
Joined: 2/19/2013
Status: offline

I am learning more and more about this lifestyle every day! lol

(in reply to Focus50)

RE: Collared Submissive? - 2/19/2013 6:36:43 PM

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Joined: 7/29/2012
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learning is a good thing. you can never know too much, especially when it is tied to the lifestyle you want to live.

i don't think that people intend to make him out to be a bad person... the things you describe though tend to raise red flags with people who have experience in this lifestyle.

i think the big message here and on your other post is really take your time. get to know him and let him get to know you. and Master's favorite " it isn't a sprint. it is a marathon."

(in reply to Alic3)

RE: Collared Submissive? - 2/19/2013 6:39:03 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
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May I ask please how much older your Master is? How long have you known him? How did you meet him? Have you ever met him in real life?

(in reply to Alic3)

RE: Collared Submissive? - 2/19/2013 6:40:51 PM

Alic3

Posts: 13
Joined: 2/19/2013
Status: offline

It sounds like you & your Master have a great relationship. I hope I can have something like that one day (:
I am learning that it takes time to get there, but I am honestly willing make something out of this.

(in reply to breagha)

RE: Collared Submissive? - 2/19/2013 6:41:49 PM

poise

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Alic3
However, I have no knowledge about being collared?

You claim in your other post ........
http://www.collarchat.com/m_4384719/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4384719
" I am hoping to work up to being his collared slave, however I believe he wants other things".

Why is it your goal to be collared, when you believe he wants something totally different?
As has been mentioned already, for many, collars are a symbol of commitment and devotion.
It isn't something that is earned by washing the floor 5 times a week for 12 months, or a blow job
every other day. Meaning, it is not some kind of ranking in regards to how slave-like you are.

If you are truly hoping to earn his collar, perhaps the only meaning that's important is his.

< Message edited by poise -- 2/19/2013 6:42:53 PM >

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to Alic3)

RE: Collared Submissive? - 2/19/2013 6:43:47 PM

Alic3

Posts: 13
Joined: 2/19/2013
Status: offline

My Master is quite a bit older than me. I don't want to be judged for the age difference, and think He would prefer if I didn't say at the moment, as we are still in the beginning stages of our relationship and nothing is definite. I met him on the website Plenty of Fish, talked to him for a few days, and went out to breakfast together. Since then, I've gone to his house multiple times.

@poise: I want intimacy, but not 'vanilla'. Once again, I am very new to this so please forgive me if I am using terms incorrectly. I like being taken control of, and he gives that to me. We are still working on the 'relationship' part, but for now I enjoy what we have (:

< Message edited by Alic3 -- 2/19/2013 6:47:59 PM >

(in reply to lizi)

RE: Collared Submissive? - 2/19/2013 6:48:02 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Alic3

Maybe not necessarily 'fix', but I definitely want to help him through the issues he still has from it.

Nope. Your role is to be there for him. Saying you want to fix him from his ex-sub implies that you will try to fill the spot she had. Your role is to fill your own spot, not someone else's.

And everyone else is correct in that collaring merely means a deeper, more committed relationship.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Alic3)

RE: Collared Submissive? - 2/19/2013 6:48:11 PM

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Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
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~FRing it~

One of the biggest mistakes to make in relationships is for one to think that they can fix/heal/restore the person they are with. Im being totally honest with you, OP. Been there, done that...got the t-shirt and the heartache to go with it. You also shouldnt strive to have someone love you the way they loved someone else. She isnt you, you arent her. Your love should be tailored to you and not something that has to try to grow in the shadow of something else (namely his love for her).

Being collared to someone is going to have different meanings to different people. For me personally, the decision to collar someone is as monumental as it would be for me to propose marriage to someone. But thats just me. Ive seen other people claim collars like they were trophies at a hunting competition. It all depends on what it means to you...what it means to the one who collars you.

(in reply to poise)

RE: Collared Submissive? - 2/19/2013 6:52:15 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
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Ok, thanks for the answers. Generally speaking, people shouldn't decide if they have a D/s relationship together till they know each other pretty well. Kind of like dating someone and then deciding to stick with seeing each other and calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend- that's when you get to the D/s part. A collar is like an engagement/wedding ring. It's a sign of commitment. It's not a sign of special things that you do for each other or chores. It's a sign that you consider yourselves as belonging together.

The first thing you should really think about is if you want this man to be your boyfriend. Look at it in terms of dating, are you compatible? If the answer is yes then he should be just as concerned about wanting to keep you around as you are about making him happy. It's not a one-sided thing.

(in reply to Alic3)

RE: Collared Submissive? - 2/19/2013 6:55:25 PM

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Joined: 7/29/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

The first thing you should really think about is if you want this man to be your boyfriend. Look at it in terms of dating, are you compatible? If the answer is yes then he should be just as concerned about wanting to keep you around as you are about making him happy. It's not a one-sided thing.

this!! definitely.

(in reply to lizi)

RE: Collared Submissive? - 2/19/2013 7:19:45 PM

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Alic3

My Master is quite a bit older than me. I don't want to be judged for the age difference, and think He would prefer if I didn't say at the moment, as we are still in the beginning stages of our relationship and nothing is definite. I met him on the website Plenty of Fish, talked to him for a few days, and went out to breakfast together. Since then, I've gone to his house multiple times.

@poise: I want intimacy, but not 'vanilla'. Once again, I am very new to this so please forgive me if I am using terms incorrectly. I like being taken control of, and he gives that to me. We are still working on the 'relationship' part, but for now I enjoy what we have (:

Whoa! You are really rushing headfirst into this, aren't you? "Beginning stages of our relationship and nothing is definite?" That does that mean?

You not mentioning his age, and using the term "quite a bit" tells me he is probably almost old enough to be your father. That means he should be a bit more mature about things, and from what you post, he isn't behaving maturely at all. Getting upset when you don't want to do a threesome and your relationship is still so new is a bit manipulative.

I understand he is hurt by the last relationship's end. Have you ever heard of someone being on the rebound? Because it kind of seems like you are his rebound girl. Someone he can play with, get to do the kinky stuff with, but once he starts feeling better again, you will no longer be of interest to him.

(in reply to Alic3)

RE: Collared Submissive? - 2/19/2013 7:22:40 PM

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Joined: 5/8/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Alic3

My Master is quite a bit older than me. I don't want to be judged for the age difference, and think He would prefer if I didn't say at the moment, as we are still in the beginning stages of our relationship and nothing is definite. I met him on the website Plenty of Fish, talked to him for a few days, and went out to breakfast together. Since then, I've gone to his house multiple times.

@poise: I want intimacy, but not 'vanilla'. Once again, I am very new to this so please forgive me if I am using terms incorrectly. I like being taken control of, and he gives that to me. We are still working on the 'relationship' part, but for now I enjoy what we have (:

What everybody sees here and is trying to tell you is that you're moving much too fast. From what you've said so far, it seems to me that you're at the "head over heels in love stage" while he's at the "Do I want to go any further with this girl stage"

You say he was with this other woman helping raise her children when she suddenly dumped him? If so, you're right; he's broken. And you cannot fix him. Only time can heal him, and my guess is that it hasn't done so yet. Meaning he's on the rebound. Meaning, and I hope I'm wrong here, you're likely to get badly hurt.

(in reply to Alic3)

RE: Collared Submissive? - 2/19/2013 8:41:18 PM

Posts: 15659
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You can't fix anyone. You can't force him to love you like he did her. If he cannot love you for you without comparing you to her, then if I were you, I'd move on. He hasn't gotten over her yet.

You are not his saviour.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Alic3)

RE: Collared Submissive? - 2/19/2013 8:46:47 PM

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Alic3

Thanks for answering my questions -_-
I didn't say he wanted to collar me. I was curious as to the boundaries of his previous relationship and how it is different from what we have now. Yes, he wants a threesome but I've since discussed it with him and is willing to wait until we can build trust. And of course he is broken. Wouldn't you be if you fell in love with the person & their kids, raised them like your own for four years, and suddenly out of now where she sends you a text saying she's been cheating and is leaving?
He has never compared me to her. I have continuously apologized for not being her, and he has told me to never apologize for it, that I treat him way better than she ever did.
You are making him out to be a bad person, when in reality I just want some questions answered.

First off, all break ups need time to emotionally heal. Too many people jump into a new relationship way too fast because they are trying to mask the pain and unresolved feelings. If he is broken, nothing you can do will fix him. People have to fix themselves. You can be supportive, but if you learn nothing, NOTHING else in life, whether it is BDSM or vanilla related, you CANNOT FIX SOMEONE OR CHANGE THEM.

I really cannot stress this enough; if you learn this at 19, you will be successful in relationships and be way ahead of many people. I know alot of very smart women and men, who did not learn that, including myself, and we spent way too much time trying to fix someone who did not want to be fixed.

And never, ever apologize for being yourself and not being the former woman.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 2/19/2013 8:48:16 PM >

(in reply to Alic3)

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