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RE: Why there are more walk-away moms - 5/6/2013 1:42:51 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: hlen5
I wonder if there are actually more walk-away parents now or it's just more publicized? Hearing about abandoning fathers is nothing new. Maybe in earlier times, mothers abandoning their kids was so scandalous it was kept under wraps?

In my experience, walk-away mothers haven't become more prevalent. Covering it in the news has happened more often, usually on slow news days. In this particular case, bluntly, it was only newsworthy because the mother re-emerged after being declared legally dead. The rest of the walk-aways just drop their litters and keep on truckin'.

< Message edited by FelineRanger -- 5/6/2013 1:43:54 PM >

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RE: Why there are more walk-away moms - 5/6/2013 2:16:19 PM

fucktoyprincess

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Just curious, are these statistics limited to married women/ women in relationships who leave their children with their spouse/ significant other, or do these statistics also include single mothers who abandon their children? (It wasn't obvious to me). (If the increase is due, in large part, to single parents, this may be because parenting, I strongly believe, is a two adult job because it is a TON of work to do it properly. I can imagine in an era where marriage is on the decline, and single parenthood increasing, that abandonment is increasing also, however, it wasn't clear to me what the statistic was capturing.)

Anyway, regardless of how the statistic breaks down, I do think, in this day and age, people need to think extremely carefully about whether they want children (there is no rule that says you have to have them), and go in knowing it is going to be at least ten times more work than everyone says it is. It is not going to be a walk in the park, for sure. I also feel that this is why birth control and abortion need to be safe, legal, and easily accessible to anyone old enough to conceive a child.

I do think, often, the burdens of child care fall disproportionately on women, and this can be a huge shock as women adjust to a life very different from what they might have imagined.

In any society, there will be some level of abandonment (by either gender) that goes on, but it is very troubling that it is increasing. All else being equal I can't think of what the explanation can be (personally, I don't buy the narcissism one - I don't feel people are all that more narcissistic than they were in the 70s - I mean seriously). One thing is different - many, many more people are diagnosed with mental health and/or learning issues, and are on prescription drugs than at any other time period in human history. I don't know why, but I feel there is a link. Improper drug monitoring can lead to things like suicidal thoughts, etc. and I wonder if they can also lead to feelings of helplessness, lack of control, etc. Could this explain some of the increase?

Again, some level of abandonment would be expected in any society - just a question of how much starts to look like too much and what might be factoring into this statistic.

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RE: Why there are more walk-away moms - 5/6/2013 2:41:11 PM

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FR~

Maybe this way off base, but I just feel the need to interject a thought. While we can certainly point to narcissism etc as it has certainly been more mainstream since the babyboomers, I think there is more in play. The one thing that sticks out in my mind (although one of many reasons) is the general lack of stable families in general. I think the walk-away parent is more-or-less a varient of divorce. While no one can argue that one should take a serious look at becoming a parent and choose accordingly, we should take a very serious look at the one we are with so to speak.

Being in my 30's I am astonished how many friends of mine are married and already divorced. Two of them in short order. One in under a year. The other, in 2 weeks (why he went through with that with that cheating bitch we will never know). While I understand that the divorce rate is naturally higher when economic equality becomes more of a social norm as one spouce isn't necessarily dependent of the other, there has to be more there. Of all the failed marriages I have seen within my peer group, two are the most common.

One getting married too young. With those individuals I saw that they hardly knew themselves well enough to pick a spouse, or worse, they hadn't enough dating experience to know what you should or should not put up with

The second, was settling. Many dated the same person for 5+ years and decided fuck it lets get married. They figured nothing could get better so why not, besides the clock is ticking. This was a mistake cause you know or you don't know if you love someone. Sure enough that 5 year date only was a 2 year marriage.

I don't know think we really have a clue as a society anymore what it means to find a meaningful partnership: one that is loving, supportive, and improves the lives of two individuals. Maybe we should learn what love is and how to avoid dead-end lustful flings that turn into legal disasters.

If a person cannot find a good match for themselves, they certainly should think twice as hard about having a kid. Although single parents are capable, it is easier and statistically better if you have a solid co-parent for your kids.

just my

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RE: Why there are more walk-away moms - 5/6/2013 4:45:39 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: bossman777

This focus on hedonism, and one's own pleasure, is also what leads to a decline in birth rates in developed nations. Raising kids is hard work, it requires putting someone else first, and it seriously limits your freedom. Personally, I am up for it, as the long term reward is worth it to me. I used to tell my women, 'you just pop the baby out and I will take over from there.' I really like being dad, and quite frankly, I don't like the interference from women. I like this trend.

The book referenced above was actually dealing with narcissism, although hedonism is likely a factor as well.

I was raised mainly by my father. My parents divorced when I was 6 (at my mother's insistence, even though she was the one who cheated). My originally got custody of my brother and me, but by the time I was 9, we were back living with our father. We were staying with him for the summer, but just before we were about to go back, my mother called and told my dad to keep us there; she couldn't take care of us anymore. It was probably for the best.

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RE: Why there are more walk-away moms - 5/6/2013 5:02:14 PM

fucktoyprincess

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Zonie63

quote:

ORIGINAL: bossman777

This focus on hedonism, and one's own pleasure, is also what leads to a decline in birth rates in developed nations. Raising kids is hard work, it requires putting someone else first, and it seriously limits your freedom. Personally, I am up for it, as the long term reward is worth it to me. I used to tell my women, 'you just pop the baby out and I will take over from there.' I really like being dad, and quite frankly, I don't like the interference from women. I like this trend.

The book referenced above was actually dealing with narcissism, although hedonism is likely a factor as well.

I was raised mainly by my father. My parents divorced when I was 6 (at my mother's insistence, even though she was the one who cheated). My originally got custody of my brother and me, but by the time I was 9, we were back living with our father. We were staying with him for the summer, but just before we were about to go back, my mother called and told my dad to keep us there; she couldn't take care of us anymore. It was probably for the best.

Zonie, you are likely to have more insight into this issue than many of the rest of us. Do you think your mother left due to narcissism, or something else? Was she just unable to cope? Not trying to pry - I'm just genuinely curious what your opinion was, if you choose to share it.

It is interesting that one of the articles you cite does in fact say that children often do very well in single father families. Perhaps this was also true in your case.

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RE: Why there are more walk-away moms - 5/6/2013 5:17:55 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: hlen5

I wonder if there are actually more walk-away parents now or it's just more publicized? Hearing about abandoning fathers is nothing new. Maybe in earlier times, mothers abandoning their kids was so scandalous it was kept under wraps?

It's not something new. A lot of kids were raised by their grandparents for this very reason. But back then it wasn't talked about. They just went on with life.

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RE: Why there are more walk-away moms - 5/6/2013 9:07:26 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fucktoyprincess

quote:

ORIGINAL: Zonie63

quote:

ORIGINAL: bossman777

This focus on hedonism, and one's own pleasure, is also what leads to a decline in birth rates in developed nations. Raising kids is hard work, it requires putting someone else first, and it seriously limits your freedom. Personally, I am up for it, as the long term reward is worth it to me. I used to tell my women, 'you just pop the baby out and I will take over from there.' I really like being dad, and quite frankly, I don't like the interference from women. I like this trend.

The book referenced above was actually dealing with narcissism, although hedonism is likely a factor as well.

I was raised mainly by my father. My parents divorced when I was 6 (at my mother's insistence, even though she was the one who cheated). My originally got custody of my brother and me, but by the time I was 9, we were back living with our father. We were staying with him for the summer, but just before we were about to go back, my mother called and told my dad to keep us there; she couldn't take care of us anymore. It was probably for the best.

Zonie, you are likely to have more insight into this issue than many of the rest of us. Do you think your mother left due to narcissism, or something else? Was she just unable to cope? Not trying to pry - I'm just genuinely curious what your opinion was, if you choose to share it.

It is interesting that one of the articles you cite does in fact say that children often do very well in single father families. Perhaps this was also true in your case.

I think that the main thing was, she never really wanted to be married to my father in the first place. Years later when she talked about it, she kind of hinted at that, saying that the only reason she married my father was because he was the kind of man that her father would approve of. My aunt's version was that my mother was pregnant and that she had to marry my father. My older brother was born 7 months after the date of their wedding, although the story was that he was an "early baby." I was born about 3 years later.

Overall, I think my father was a decent provider for us, as we had a pretty nice home in a nice community. But for some reason, my mother wasn't happy. It was the 1960s, and she went back to college to study theater arts. My father used to refer to "that theater crowd" which he didn't really approve of. He was a conservative, graduate of the Coast Guard Academy, an engineer working a defense contractor, and she was hanging around with a bunch of hippies (when she would have been about 10 years older than the average hippie at that time). That was when things started to fall apart. The story I got (years later) was that my mother had cheated on my father. However, even though my father forgave her and still wanted to make the marriage work, she didn't. She was the one who insisted on the divorce, mainly because she wasn't happy in the marriage and couldn't live with my father anymore.

At first, she got custody of my brother and me, so we lived with her at first, while she was still finishing up her master's degree in theater arts. My father got visitation rights on the weekends. After a year, we moved from upstate New York to California, as my mother had aspirations of becoming an actress. My aunt (her sister) and uncle were living in L.A., and my grandparents moved from Sacramento to Orange County within a few months of our arrival. So, with my father out of the picture, my brother and I became more a part of our mother's nuclear family - and all the emotional baggage that she had with her parents and her sister. Most of what I remember is that she'd have these vicious arguments with my grandfather and my aunt.

We spent our weekends at our grandparents' house in Orange County, just like we spent weekends with our father. (I'm not really sure what our mother did on the weekends; she never told us.) My grandfather was happy to have us around, and he was like a second father to me.

During these years, my mother was having trouble finding and keeping work. She was trying to get into acting, and taking secretarial jobs with production companies and anywhere she could get her foot in the door. My brother and I were used to living in a relatively insular small town, and suddenly we were living in an urban jungle. My mother was having a tough time; a lot of financial problems. I know she was getting financial help from our grandfather, as well as child support from my dad (which he dutifully paid without a single complaint), but it still wasn't enough.

We were still spending summers with our dad, and after a couple of years, my mother decided that she would just have us stay with our dad from then on out. At the time, the way it was explained to us was that she was trying to become an actress and that she couldn't take care of us; we were in the way or something like that. She also spoke a lot about "finding herself," which was a big fad back then. It may have been due to narcissism to some degree. She always did seem kind of full of herself. She was the quintessential "drama queen."

It was probably due to a culmination of financial problems and various emotional problems that came to a head. I also found out years later that she had a problem with drugs and drinking. She had a bit of a mean and abusive streak about her. I look an awful lot like my father, as well as my personality and mannerisms, and I later came to find that she was resentful of me just because I reminded her of him so much. (On the other hand, my brother looks nothing like my father - nor anyone else on his side of the family. Kind of made me wonder about the whole "early baby" thing and whether there's more to that story.)

I won't say that my life has been a bed of roses. I've learned how to survive. It may have influenced my choice to never marry or have kids, although it didn't seem to affect my brother in that way, since he's married with two grown children. Of course, he had the luxury of using me to take out all his internal turmoil as we were growing up. I didn't have that option.

So, I kind of feel for those kids. Their anger at their mother is genuine, and I sympathize. Their situation is somewhat different from what I dealt with, since they honestly thought their mother was dead. And then she shows up more than ten years later. What I was watching was the breakdown in progress. When you're a kid and see that the primary adults in your life are stressed out and can't cope, it doesn't really give you a very secure feeling.

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RE: Why there are more walk-away moms - 5/7/2013 7:29:52 AM

fucktoyprincess

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I'm sorry to hear about your personal history. This cannot have been an easy situation for a child to navigate.

We place a lot of value in our society on individualism, making the most of yourself, pursuing goals and dreams, being true to yourself, personal happiness, self-actualization, etc. etc. But it is hard to do all of those things AND also at the same time be a proper spouse, parent, caretaker for aging parents, etc. etc. Perhaps we do a disservice to children when we raise them to believe they are entitled to their own happiness without making them take into consideration other obligations and concerns that they ought to also have.

I know Asian cultures get criticized a lot for being very constrained and very family oriented (i.e., you are constantly reminded of the obligations you have towards others, to the point of it being understood that you will give up personal goals for the good of the overall family). Being successful in that model means certain things, and attaining personal happiness is not always one of them.

Perhaps every culture could learn from this and understand that what is always needed is balance. People make mistakes in their lives (unwanted pregnancies, choosing the wrong spouse, etc.) and then it is a question of where the burdens should fall as people try to correct these issues in their lives. The issue is that once children are involved, I feel the equation changes dramatically. It is simply unfair to expect children to bear the burden of an adult's repeated mistakes and irresponsibility.

Birth control and abortion must stay legal and accessible. And people need to understand better that children are not just a fancy addition to their wardrobe, like a handbag, or something, but a separate, distinct human being who also has their own rights to a decent home. Since people are free to make their own decisions about when and how to have children, unfortunately, as a society, abandonment will always be an issue, because not everyone is truly prepared for what parenting means. At one level, proper parenting does mean that your own goals and priorities might have to sometimes, or even always, take a back seat. We need to raise children to self-actualize, but within the context of fulfilling obligations and duties to others. Our laws on divorce and our attitudes about sex and self-actualization cause many children harm. And children make easy victims because they have no voice. That is the sad reality.

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RE: Why there are more walk-away moms - 5/8/2013 6:21:15 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fucktoyprincess

I'm sorry to hear about your personal history. This cannot have been an easy situation for a child to navigate.

Thanks, FTP. I just look at it as life; many people have faced much worse, while some have fared better.

quote:

We place a lot of value in our society on individualism, making the most of yourself, pursuing goals and dreams, being true to yourself, personal happiness, self-actualization, etc. etc. But it is hard to do all of those things AND also at the same time be a proper spouse, parent, caretaker for aging parents, etc. etc. Perhaps we do a disservice to children when we raise them to believe they are entitled to their own happiness without making them take into consideration other obligations and concerns that they ought to also have.

Individualism is fine, when taken in moderation, but I think what we have in this society is hyperindividualism. We've gone too far.

quote:

I know Asian cultures get criticized a lot for being very constrained and very family oriented (i.e., you are constantly reminded of the obligations you have towards others, to the point of it being understood that you will give up personal goals for the good of the overall family). Being successful in that model means certain things, and attaining personal happiness is not always one of them.

Still, there's something to be said for that. I think that children within tight-knit families with close ties probably tend to do better in life than children who come from broken homes. You need that family support, especially in the early years. My step-mother (who married my father when I was 16) said that when she turned 18, her parents gave her $50 and wished her well, essentially throwing her out of the house. That was her role model for how she dealt with her kids.

In our culture, there's a tendency for parents to want to push their kids out of the house when they come of age, whereas in other cultures, they don't really have that.

quote:

Perhaps every culture could learn from this and understand that what is always needed is balance. People make mistakes in their lives (unwanted pregnancies, choosing the wrong spouse, etc.) and then it is a question of where the burdens should fall as people try to correct these issues in their lives. The issue is that once children are involved, I feel the equation changes dramatically. It is simply unfair to expect children to bear the burden of an adult's repeated mistakes and irresponsibility.

I think children are pretty resilient and flexible. They can handle adversity, even if the adults in their lives make a mistake. But when the most trusted adults in their lives lie to them, abuse them, or otherwise make their lives miserable because of some irrational resentment they have (while making the child think it's his/her fault), then that's where the problems come in. Children have been able to bear many burdens, but if they're in a position where the parents are taking out their frustrations on them - making them think it's their fault - then that crosses the line.

We're all humans, and we all make mistakes. Even children realize this, and I don't think anyone expects infallibility from their parents. But parents are also authority figures, and the children have no choice but to accept and live with the decisions they make. The parents are adults, they're supposedly smarter, more experienced, more mature, and it is believed that their decisions are made with understanding, careful consideration, planning, logic and reason. At least, the child is led to believe that their parents know what's best for them. While still in childhood, the child doesn't know any better and just accepts things as they are.

But after some years, as they grow up and gain a greater understanding of the world around them, they might look back at their own childhood and parents' actions and see them in a completely different light. Parents might tell their children, "When you're older, you will understand," but I don't think many of them truly appreciate the ramifications of that. It would have probably been easier to make peace and move on if they'd just come clean and admit their mistake, but when they come back with more self-serving justifications and lame excuses, then it can even make things worse.

quote:

Birth control and abortion must stay legal and accessible. And people need to understand better that children are not just a fancy addition to their wardrobe, like a handbag, or something, but a separate, distinct human being who also has their own rights to a decent home. Since people are free to make their own decisions about when and how to have children, unfortunately, as a society, abandonment will always be an issue, because not everyone is truly prepared for what parenting means. At one level, proper parenting does mean that your own goals and priorities might have to sometimes, or even always, take a back seat. We need to raise children to self-actualize, but within the context of fulfilling obligations and duties to others. Our laws on divorce and our attitudes about sex and self-actualization cause many children harm. And children make easy victims because they have no voice. That is the sad reality.

I agree completely. Within my own extended family, I've had the opportunity to intimately observe how other families operated, but my family was different somehow. That's another dimension to all of this. Sometimes, children might find that other people react to them not because of who they are, but who their parents are. There's nothing like having a teacher or some other trusted adult yell at you or treat you like a pariah because of something your parents did or who they are.

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RE: Why there are more walk-away moms - 5/8/2013 7:53:12 AM

fucktoyprincess

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Zonie, I recall you saying you don't have children. In a way, that is a shame because it is clear you would have made a good parent because of everything you have observed and learned as a child yourself.

It is another sad fact that the people who would make the best parents often have the fewest (or no) children.

Ever see the movie Idiocracy?

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RE: Why there are more walk-away moms - 5/8/2013 9:44:40 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fucktoyprincess

Zonie, I recall you saying you don't have children. In a way, that is a shame because it is clear you would have made a good parent because of everything you have observed and learned as a child yourself.

It is another sad fact that the people who would make the best parents often have the fewest (or no) children.

Ever see the movie Idiocracy?

Thanks again.

I've never seen Idiocracy, but I've heard of it. I was thinking I might check it out.

I think my brother and his wife did pretty well with their kids. I was sort of a built-in babysitter for a while when they were little.

I remember a line from a song which goes "Been around the world and found that only stupid people are breeding." Seems to be a lot of truth to that, although I haven't really researched the statistics on that.

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RE: Why there are more walk-away moms - 5/8/2013 9:54:14 AM

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Having and raising kids is hard work. Sometimes I understand why people go crazy. There is no excuse and people who are not up to raising kids should probably never have kids to begin with!

It terrible on so many levels, mostly for the kids as if they are not raised in a warm environment who knows what their lives will be like. We hear about these stories way too often.

Hopefully the trend will get better with time as we allow for more abortions and pregnancy prevention medicine to reach more people.

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RE: Why there are more walk-away moms - 5/8/2013 10:02:32 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: hlen5

I wonder if there are actually more walk-away parents now or it's just more publicized? Hearing about abandoning fathers is nothing new. Maybe in earlier times, mothers abandoning their kids was so scandalous it was kept under wraps?

I think it's just more publicized. And I don't think it was really kept under wraps, I think it was accepted as part of life.

Orphanages weren't filled with children that had been taken away from their parents. They were filled with orphans and children that parents had given up for a variety of reasons.

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RE: Why there are more walk-away moms - 5/8/2013 11:47:06 AM

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I think people want to believe that Heist was ill because then they can "excuse" her behavior. No one wants to admit that a mother simply doesn't want her children.

Something it seems no one noticed about the article was it talking about there being *more* single fathers. There have always been as many single fathers as there are single mothers (excluding those who remarry of course). This still seems to be the way society looks at fathers. I cringed any time I hear a man say he is "babysitting" his own children. That is not babysitting it is being a parent. You never hear a mother say she can't attend some activity because she is "babysitting" her children. It's ridiculous. Thankfully, my son never says he is babysitting his daughter. He simply declines because he has his daughter (as in is her primary caregiver of the moment).

Another thing society still does is promote the concept that women's primary goal in life should be to have children. Being a mother is a tough job, and even tougher to do well, no doubt. But why is it such a social sin for a woman to want to be remembered for more than being a good mother. What is wrong with wanting people to first remember her for other accomplishments?

On the other side of that is how we are always *surprised* at men who put their children first. Men are *supposed* to be remembered for their life accomplishments and being a good father is far down the list.

During my career in family law, towards the end (before I became disabled), I was seeing a trend of more fathers with primary custody. Good men who took on the responsibility willingly, with no more complaints than mothers had. I remember my son recently talking about a male friend they have who has sole custody of his son. He was saying how I didn't understand how hard he had it because he was a single dad. Boy, was he sorry for that statement, lol. Single dads have it no harder or easier than single mothers with primary custody.

Is it more due to narcissism? I don't know. For years, women have dealt with the weekend warrior fathers, who show up every other weekend to be the "fun" parent, and the rest of the time, their time is their own. With demands for equality, maybe these women are simply looking for equal rights to be able to claim themselves as a parent and still have a life of their own.

As for those who choose not to have children....I'm a firm believer that if a women doesn't want children, she shouldn't feel obligated to have them. I also believe though, that she doctors should not perform permanent birth control procedures on them until they are about 35. I'm sorry, but far too often, a change of heart occurs later in life, and nothing should be done to prevent youthful choices from being able to be changed easily.

As for the statement about women whose desire is to become "trophy wives" and the children of those relationships. There needs to be no new reviews of child support in the interest of lowering that support. Punishing the parents because of the parents poor choices isn't a good idea. This promoting the concept of "if a woman wants the baby, let her support it" is utter nonsense. Yes, a guy has no choice in whether she keeps the baby or not, but he certainly does have the option of preventing pregnancy from his end. Just like the woman, if you want to play, you must be willing to pay the price. Put more PC, don't let anyone make your reproductive choices for you.

At the end of the day, however, I have zero respect for anyone, male or female, who walks away from their child. More so, when they have walked away from a child earlier in life, only to become parent or parental figure to other children later in life.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

RE: Why there are more walk-away moms - 5/8/2013 12:09:28 PM

fucktoyprincess

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

Single dads have it no harder or easier than single mothers with primary custody.

I agree with most of your post. People need to take on personal responsibility - and there shouldn't be the gender bias that exists that says women should/must have children and be the primary caretakers of children.

However, the above statement I quoted from your post just gave me pause. It gave me pause because it is still true today, statistically, that men get paid more in their careers, and, separately, that women end up worse off financially after a divorce.

In other words, I actually think it is more difficult to be a single mother because you are usually trying to do the same role with less money. The few single fathers I know had wives who sadly passed away (almost always cancer) leaving small children behind. The men are gainfully employed and the children are all extremely well cared for (although obviously they miss their mothers). My female friends who are divorced with children are almost all universally worse off economically after the divorce. My female friends have also had trouble meeting someone new because their lives are simply too busy. Most of their ex-husbands have re-married and have more children. The one exception is a female friend who came from a bit of family money - of course she is the one who ended up having to pay her husband alimony.

Anyway, I do think any discussion of single parenthood must also point out some of the other systemic gender inequalities that have an impact on this issue.

(p.s. not saying my friends are representative, but they do reflect the statistics I have read).

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RE: Why there are more walk-away moms - 5/8/2013 4:26:24 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fucktoyprincess

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

Single dads have it no harder or easier than single mothers with primary custody.

I agree with most of your post. People need to take on personal responsibility - and there shouldn't be the gender bias that exists that says women should/must have children and be the primary caretakers of children.

However, the above statement I quoted from your post just gave me pause. It gave me pause because it is still true today, statistically, that men get paid more in their careers, and, separately, that women end up worse off financially after a divorce.

In other words, I actually think it is more difficult to be a single mother because you are usually trying to do the same role with less money. The few single fathers I know had wives who sadly passed away (almost always cancer) leaving small children behind. The men are gainfully employed and the children are all extremely well cared for (although obviously they miss their mothers). My female friends who are divorced with children are almost all universally worse off economically after the divorce. My female friends have also had trouble meeting someone new because their lives are simply too busy. Most of their ex-husbands have re-married and have more children. The one exception is a female friend who came from a bit of family money - of course she is the one who ended up having to pay her husband alimony.

Anyway, I do think any discussion of single parenthood must also point out some of the other systemic gender inequalities that have an impact on this issue.

(p.s. not saying my friends are representative, but they do reflect the statistics I have read).

You bring up valid points. Yes, statistically women are financially worse off than men following a divorce. HOWEVER, those statistics are based on the women being the primary custodians of the children, did you know that? While raising children is about so much more than finances, a single father with custody faces the same issues financially as a single mother.

The cases where you are talking about your friends having trouble meeting someone and the men who have remarried...think about that a moment. The women are too busy because they are working, and when they come home, they have the children. Unless they hire a babysitter or have a family member nearby, going out isn't really a frequent option. This would be the same for a father with custody. He is dealing with the same daycare, homework, dinner, bath, bedtime story issues. Of course, if you are talking about those who are more well off, they may be able to hire a full time nanny, but this is not the people I'm talking about, since those situations aren't the norm.

The men were able to re-marry and have more children, because they weren't tied down with the day to day responsibilities of raising their children. They typically have them every other weekend, and maybe once during the week for dinner. This allows much time for them to rejoin the dating scene, hence finding a new partner.

(in reply to fucktoyprincess)

RE: Why there are more walk-away moms - 5/8/2013 4:46:22 PM

fucktoyprincess

Posts: 2337
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But don't mothers disproportionately get custody of the children post divorce? I'm just speaking to the overwhelming statistics there. The fact still is there are many more single mothers than single fathers out there. And while I applaud the single fathers who are doing a great job, this does not make it any easier for the many women out there who are also facing other gender prejudices. The world is still a tougher place for the single mom. The single father with a similar job is undoubtedly making more. Again, just my two cents from what I see out there. Not trying to take anything away from the men and their parental contributions.

_____________________________

~ ftp

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

RE: Why there are more walk-away moms - 5/8/2013 5:07:41 PM

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fucktoyprincess

But don't mothers disproportionately get custody of the children post divorce? I'm just speaking to the overwhelming statistics there. The fact still is there are many more single mothers than single fathers out there. And while I applaud the single fathers who are doing a great job, this does not make it any easier for the many women out there who are also facing other gender prejudices. The world is still a tougher place for the single mom. The single father with a similar job is undoubtedly making more. Again, just my two cents from what I see out there. Not trying to take anything away from the men and their parental contributions.

Here are the realities:

Yes, there are more mothers taking primary custody than fathers. You can't simply look at the statistics there. You have to understand why the disparity exists. That is because most fathers don't seek custody. Some will claim that the courts wouldn't give it to them anyway, but let me assure you, that they didn't put up much of a fight either.

You have to remember that fact when looking at statistics.

Now the father may be making a bit more (again not talking about the upper management professionals here, just the "average" joes and janes), but a custodial father faces the same issues (perhaps even worse) for having to take off from work when their child is sick, leave early for doctor's appointments and teacher's conferences.

In other words, the issues facing custodial parents are based on much more than simple finances, and it is those other issues that are identical. Unless a full time nanny can be employed, the custodial parent is the sole responsibility for picking kids up from work, taking care of them when they are sick, doing their homework with them. So time off for illness of the child, closed child care due to weather (happens where I am) and the like will put the father in the same precarious position as the mother with the employer.

Add to that the reality that if the parent had a job that required any travel, that is now out of the question.

Remember statistics are just numbers. People can spin them to say anything they want, making them nothing more than a starting point for discussion.

(in reply to fucktoyprincess)

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