RE: Need Adivice ASAP (Full Version)

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NuevaVida -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/31/2013 8:32:30 PM)

~ Fast Reply ~

Good lord what a thread, lol.

Well, I confess, at 38 I was very much like the OP came across in her OP. And people lambasted me for it, too - all that awesome "tough love" kind of stuff which only pounded me further into the mud. But hey, they weren't responsible for my feelings - I was. And I had no idea how to be, so I suffered awhile. I survived it. Thank God I didn't follow everyone's advice that I was incapable of relationships and should get off the internet though - well intentioned as it was...lol. People are who they are, and that's what balances everything out. Not everyone is kind. Not everyone is unkind. Don't internalize other people's words - words are a reflection of the person saying them, not a reflection of the recipient.

To the OP, Kirata said it best. "Excuse me, but it's becoming rather obvious that the person who doesn't care how unhappy you are is you."

Powerful. And true. I think I was 41 when I finally asked myself the question: "Why was it OK with me to let someone treat me like that?" Some amazing revelations followed in the next year or so. And now, at 47, I've been in a very healthy (and happy!) relationship for 4 years. My happiness is important to me, as is ensuring those who don't support my happiness don't get "in" very far with me.

To the OP, I'm betting you know in your gut what you need to do...just really afraid to do it. It's coming, though, if you're already asking the questions. Be good to yourself. Start caring about being happy.



Greta75 -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (6/1/2013 12:23:03 AM)

quote:

Life isn't rainbows and lollipops. At some point you need to grow up and face the world like a grown up.

This is where I view life differently. I think I've been through my own share of shit, and I am sure everyone has, but why can't life be rainbows and lollipops?
When someone is down, why beat them down further? Instead of lifting them up?
A friend of mine told a girl who cried to him that she wanna kill herself to go ahead and kill herself, no one cares, he was using his tough ass reverse psychological and she killed herself and succeeded. I mean, it backfired, but he said if she's so weak, she don't deserve to live. I don't believe in tough love.
I just don't get these type of hostility.
Yea, I am just the mollycoddling type of person. And I believe in pay it forward, as people have been kind to me and have helped me in a positive, very kind way in some dark times, and whenever possible, I try to behave the same way and pay it forward.
Real life isn't always all harsh and mean, you have different types of people, there are still some sunshine and lollipops in between all the darkness.



slavehearttt -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (6/1/2013 6:57:31 AM)

Posting to no one specifically, so no offense intended to anyone, it is just my own personal opinion and I will not defend it. I’ve been a “lurker” on these boards for a very long time, longer than my “join date” on this newer profile (for profile “lookers”). I don’t add much because (a) it’s already been said, OR (b) I don’t feel like having to “defend” with the “reg.” posters – yes that IS how it is here. So, for what it’s worth….

There are those who have my utmost respect as regular “forum posters” who I have seen time and time again give respectful subjective advice (DS, LadyPact, Focus, (LA long gone) and others, but those are off the top of my head).

Then there are those who I have seen repeatedly swoop in on the “new,” and I’ve seen new posters come and go quick from the forums. The new get pounced on for simply being “new,” and for not “searching” – heah that isn’t all that easy to do and it doesn’t always bring results. Or not doing something correctly, wording something wrong, or just asking a question. The forums here aren’t what they once were; don’t you think that might be why?

I am of the mind that one shouldn’t judge shoes they have not walked in. Sure questions may get old to the experienced and seem done to death (I don’t even read them all because of that), but we were all new once. Were we all naive? No, but that doesn’t mean everyone isn’t. We have all walked different lives. I don’t think coddling and sugar coating advice is what is needed, but nor do I think jumping hard on someone is necessarily cool either, I am talking about civility.

No, this lifestyle is not for the thin skinned, but is it necessary to be uncouth? If there is nothing worthy to add, why say anything at all? I am not even really talking about Kana, I get his “humor,” after a long time of reading his posts, but I am sure the “new” do not. I AM talking about the repeated attacks, and everyone jumping on the “jump on the new person boat, “and then poof the new poster is gone along with anyone else new that tried to join in on the discussion.

These people come here (well other then the “Tap Tap” folks lol), for honest and sincere advice and they get jumped on for being new, asking for help, and for having the audacity to invade the space of friends and ask for advice from strangers (I’ve seen it over and over). Even new posters offering advice get jumped and really it is ridiculous.

What are the forums for? I thought they were to ask questions. (Stupid and inane to you might not be too many others). I get you all are friends, and believe me anyone new coming in figures it out quickly, but these forums aren’t “yours” they are CM’s, and NEW people are allowed here and should be treated …heah anyone ever heard of the Golden Rule? Yes, I get not all live by it, but gawd forbid anyone treats any of the “friends” here as the new get treated – getting my point yet?

What happened to educating the new? No, that’s no one’s “job” here, but then why really are you here?

All rhetorical questions, just food for thought; I will not defend my thoughts or opinion, feel free to jump at will as no doubt some will, however I am done, I have said what I wanted to say, and this is all that I will say on this matter. Hopefully some will take my words to heart and consider how they react and treat the new, that come here, with a bit of common courtesy as they would want to be treated. Peace. [:)]

To the OP - (All this has already been said I believe by Oside, but to not totally “derail” the post) Life is too short to live unhappy, if you are not and you have already tried communicating with your Dom, (which as it’s already been said this is a relationship problem), and he/you won’t get help. Then what choices do you have? 1- you stay and make the best of it to make it work, or 2 – you leave and make a new life for yourself. Your happiness is in your own hands. No one can “make” you happy, sure circumstances can cause one to become unhappy with the relationship. Either take the needed steps to make it work, or go. Whatever you do, much peace and happiness wished.




Kana -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (6/1/2013 7:00:37 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida
Thank God I didn't follow everyone's advice

See, this is one of those things. I rarely ever give "advice" on here. Read my posts, check and see. I'll usually speak from experience, say something like "I don't know how it works in other peoples lives, but in my time, I've found that XYZ occurred.
The main reason I don't is because, frankly, I don't think, except in rare cases, any body on any board is really qualified too. I mean fuck-there are all sorts of problems with thread posts:
1-We only hear one side of the story.
2-It's a biased side at that, colored by emotions, experience, insanity, life skills.
3-At best, we get only a very thin, carefully selected and edited version of that biased reality.
4-That may or may not be connected in any way shape or fact with reality or the truth.
So it's pretty rare that I go there.
Why bring it up?
Because all those applied with the OP.
Go back, reread it closely, then follow the train of the thread. All sorts of advice coming from all corners and no one knows shit about what really went on.
Dangerous stuff, advice-it has a nasty tendency to ricochet on the person giving it. A dangerous business to be in.

And since the age thing got brought up, the main reason I mentioned it was based in a few roots:
1-By that age, we should all have a little freaking life experience with rejection and failure, having ideas/fantasies that are disappointed by reality.I mean fuck, that's what life does-just grind that shit slowly down
2-One certainly expects a person of that advanced age to react to a joke in ways that do not involve personal attacks on strangers. That knee jerk defensiveness-yeah, that was mature.
3-The wannabe romantic idealism smacked of childish emotional state.
4-That means that technically they are mature, so I don't need to put on the kid gloves.
5-I thought the whole thing smacked of an unreal naivete, a naivete that could be really dangerous in TTTWD and, most importantly, who we do it with.


But mentioning her age had zip to do with her being sensitive. Fuck, I understand that. All people of all ages (Well, except a true sociopath)have areas/issues that we get touchy about, that hit too close to the bone. Hell, I can even respect that. It had lots more to do with emotional immaturity, the idiocy of attacking a stranger and a worldview that came off as painfully immature.



Spiritedsub2 -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (6/1/2013 8:30:42 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
...
Yea, I am just the mollycoddling type of person. And I believe in pay it forward, as people have been kind to me and have helped me in a positive, very kind way in some dark times, and whenever possible, I try to behave the same way and pay it forward.
Real life isn't always all harsh and mean, you have different types of people, there are still some sunshine and lollipops in between all the darkness.

I think you are exactly right. It is more socially adroit, "sophisticated", to roll eyes at the sunshine and lollipops people, but to me that crap is just deadness inside. You experience what you think you're going to experience, and you can choose harsh/mean or sunshine/lollipops/puppies.
The key on forums like this one is to be able to skim past the harsh posts and key in on those who have some real wisdom to offer without the deadness. It's been easy for me (with the use of that hide button) but maybe for some of the younger new people it isn't.



LadyPact -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (6/1/2013 8:51:54 AM)

While I appreciate the mention, the reality is that I don't think it's accurate. I didn't really see anything from the OP other than two options. Leave because she's unhappy or stay and suck it up. The OP even says that whatever it is was something the Dom has 'done his entire life' so I don't know why she thought just because there were going to be fancy labels put on it (Dom and sub) that the issue was going to go away.

Now, the thread is eight pages long because a) somebody told a joke and b) a few folks have obviously been drinking the BDSM kool-aid. For what it's worth, I know I've done the first and in My opinion, we do a real disservice to the new poster when we do the second. If anything, we should be talking to folks about the fact that just because a relationship happens to have kink included in it, that doesn't mean that it's sprinkled with fairy dust in some way. Since we're talking about past posters, it actually used to be MasterFireMaam that would tell people something that went like this. "If you weren't calling the man a 'Dom' and he was just your boyfriend, and you weren't a 'sub' and were just a girlfriend, would you be happy with your life?" SimplyMichael used to have one that went something to the tune of "If you go to bed every night hoping that it's going to get better and waking up every morning realizing that it never will, you have no one but yourself to blame for being miserable." If you ask Me, that's some pretty good advice right there.

I'm going to say a word about this clique business and then I'm going to be done. Every person that people feel are a part of this supposed clique were once new posters, too. If, since the time we were new posters, people decided that they got to know us or even had something that was worth saying once in a while, other folks might decide that they appreciate our company or enjoy reading our posts. It's not from some automatic bond that happens just because we happened to join the same site. This electronic phenomenon that people seem to believe occurs that, if they happen to be kinky, everybody is going to commiserate with their cares and woes just because they happen to show up on a website isn't realistic. It doesn't happen anywhere else in the world and I think it's foolish to believe it's going to happen here. If there's no familiarity or sense of friendship, I don't think it's reasonable to expect everybody's world is going to stop turning. I can't speak for anybody else but My empathy factor is going to be way higher when somebody I care about has a concern than somebody I don't know at all. Before anybody wants to shoot Me for that statement, I'll ask you to consider that a) at least it's honest and b) there are enough folks around this joint who are more altruistic than Me on the matter, so it all equals out. Just like if you showed up to a bar where nobody knows you so that you can cry in your beer. Hey, you've all got drinking beer in common, but you really don't expect everybody in the establishment to stop joking and laughing with the people they know just because you showed up.



OsideGirl -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (6/1/2013 8:57:35 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: slavehearttt

What are the forums for? I thought they were to ask questions.
That's one of the roles of a discussion forum, but ultimately discussion forums are to have a discussion.

quote:

What happened to educating the new? No, that’s no one’s “job” here, but then why really are you here?


I'm sorry, but I do not believe that posts like the OP are asking for education. It gave intentionally vague information, a one sided view of situation and was not intended for the OP to learn anything.

There are a lot of posts where information is given to people new to the forum, I'd actually say the majority of posts. It comes down to how they ask and what their behavior is to the answers they receive. Would you like to talk about the number of new posters that throw a hissy fit all over the boards because they're not getting the answer they want?






tazzygirl -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (6/1/2013 8:59:42 AM)

quote:

All rhetorical questions, just food for thought; I will not defend my thoughts or opinion, feel free to jump at will as no doubt some will, however I am done, I have said what I wanted to say, and this is all that I will say on this matter. Hopefully some will take my words to heart and consider how they react and treat the new, that come here, with a bit of common courtesy as they would want to be treated. Peace.


Let me ask you.... common courtesy... was it courteous to accuse a posted she knew nothing about of being a fake? A quick appology on her part would have ended things quickly on ours, dont you think?

Thats been my experience.

I can be very sweet and helpful, or I can be a raging bitch. All depends on the interactions I am involved with. We didnt have just one new person here, we had several, all lining up to take swipes at people they knew nothing about, or defending those they "felt" were innocent victims.

The OP made a nasty, hasty assessment of a poster,a nd got her ass handed back to her. At which point she ran, instead of being an adult, admitting her comments were poorly written and hastily given in the thread.

Sometimes its not what you say, its how you say it. And, as I was often told in nursing... its not what you do wrong, sometimes its how you react once you realized you screwed up.

I dont need you to defend your position. Nor do I need to defend mine. Personal responsibility for both someone's actions and words go farther with me than any sugar coating someone could ever express.



NuevaVida -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (6/1/2013 11:28:34 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

But mentioning her age had zip to do with her being sensitive. Fuck, I understand that. All people of all ages (Well, except a true sociopath)have areas/issues that we get touchy about, that hit too close to the bone. Hell, I can even respect that. It had lots more to do with emotional immaturity, the idiocy of attacking a stranger and a worldview that came off as painfully immature.

For some, mentioning her age was in the context that she should know better by now. But really, why should she? We're all at different maturity levels in various parts of our lives - I've yet to meet anyone who has attained total enlightenment. And some of us (myself included) get later starts toward maturing than others.

I only mentioned the part you quoted from me because the same things were said to me, that's been said to the OP in this thread. I said it to make a point (which I may not have done very well) that had I really taken those things said to me to heart (well some of it I did, at the time), I'd have not continued to forge my own path - painful as it may have unnecessarily been - and gotten to where I am now. Don't get on the computer? Don't be in any relationship? I don't find those statements very helpful, or said with good intention. I may be wrong, but they don't come across that way.

I remember when I first started posting here (in my previous name), I learned a lot from posters who did not coddle, pointed out some of my erroneous ways, but did so without launching insults or making me feel less than I was. LA, Bita, KoM come to mind. There were others who felt the need to take it further and they weren't so helpful, even though there were claims of "tough love." I really just think it makes people feel good to insult others, but hey, that's just where they are in life. One regular and lauded poster here actually sent me a really long Cmail, telling me what a piece of shit I was, and how it made him feel good to point that shit out to people, and he hoped I crashed and burned. One gal emailed me saying she couldn't wait to see me get hurt because it would prove her right. And these were people who posted on the board that they were just telling it straight to people to be helpful.

So I suppose this is why I don't always see these "tough love" posts with the good intentions they claim to have...and probably why I react to them. Because some of them are genuine, while others are really just bullshitting. And because some have exposed that bullshit in my Cmail, well, their "Oh I'm just using tough love" posts are disingenuous.

As you've said, advice isn't always helpful. I believe people give opinions, through their own lenses and filters, and what we see here is a variety of perspective...which is a good thing. The good, the bad, the ugly, the indifferent. Observing and considering all perspectives is what broadens our horizons. But from someone who used to be VERY thin skinned, and VERY emotionally immature, I tend to get understand some of the newbie posts that others jump on, because I've been there. And sometimes, that's exactly where someone needs to be, to get to where they're going. It's not always the bad thing the people make it out to be.



Focus50 -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (6/1/2013 1:04:44 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

The OP made a nasty, hasty assessment of a poster....

This would be in response to that poster telling her straight up that she should've just kept her mouth stuffed with a cock?

Yeah, that bitch...! [:-]

Focus.



kiwisub12 -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (6/1/2013 2:15:21 PM)

To the OP - it took me years to decide to divorce my ex. It wasn't easy and asking others about it helped not at all. No-one else can know when you have had enough.



edited to add - once i did kick him out, i wondered why i didn't do it years earlier![8|] Hind sight is a wonderful thing.



Kana -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (6/1/2013 7:10:13 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50


quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

The OP made a nasty, hasty assessment of a poster....

This would be in response to that poster telling her straight up that she should've just kept her mouth stuffed with a cock?
Focus.

Chuckles
Yeah, but try and deny the inherent truth of my statement!

(And actually I was kinda cloaking a thought in my comment. For me, and this is just for me, I tend to think that lots of discussion isn't exactly a great sign in a relationship. In fact, in many ways, I think it's real damaging. Now, I'm not knocking communication, and I'm certainly not knocking the occasional state of the union, but, painting with a broad brush here, it's a personal belief that people can be in relationships or analyze em, but it's freaking tough to do both. I have this irrational idea that we're called human beings for a reason, and that our purpose is simply, "to be." It ain't to analyze, it ain't to rip apart and assess every tiny tea leaf of the interactions, it's to exist together and grow together. That's what makes for strong, rooted, healthy relationships, not nonstop discussions.
So yeah, in a lot of ways, I do believe my comment. And personally, and again, maybe this is just me (And most likely Ron too :-o), but it's my humble experience that if she's got my cock in her mouth, I'm a happy dom. And happy doms, they tend to make for happy slaves. Which is a happy, happy, happy, as far as this cat is concerned)

Chin out there far enough yet, friend Focus?



LafayetteLady -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (6/1/2013 7:45:26 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

quote:

Life isn't rainbows and lollipops. At some point you need to grow up and face the world like a grown up.

This is where I view life differently. I think I've been through my own share of shit, and I am sure everyone has, but why can't life be rainbows and lollipops?
When someone is down, why beat them down further? Instead of lifting them up?
A friend of mine told a girl who cried to him that she wanna kill herself to go ahead and kill herself, no one cares, he was using his tough ass reverse psychological and she killed herself and succeeded. I mean, it backfired, but he said if she's so weak, she don't deserve to live. I don't believe in tough love.
I just don't get these type of hostility.
Yea, I am just the mollycoddling type of person. And I believe in pay it forward, as people have been kind to me and have helped me in a positive, very kind way in some dark times, and whenever possible, I try to behave the same way and pay it forward.
Real life isn't always all harsh and mean, you have different types of people, there are still some sunshine and lollipops in between all the darkness.


Well, that was my quote, not Focus's, so I'm going to respond.

Your friend may have thought he was using reverse psychology, but he really didn't know what he was doing. I would never take that direction in a suicide conversation, and yes, I have been involved in far too many. So your friend was trying to do something he was really lacking the skills to do. It wasn't tough love either. I'm sorry the poor girl killed herself.

Real life of course is not always harsh and mean, but it is the rotten stuff people can't deal with and need to learn how to handle. You can't collapse every time something bad happens, and if you do, you need the help of a professional, not the mollycoddling of a bunch of strangers on the internet.

Everyone has different styles. Perhaps it is the balance of things here that keeps people coming back.



tazzygirl -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (6/1/2013 7:47:40 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana


quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50


quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

The OP made a nasty, hasty assessment of a poster....

This would be in response to that poster telling her straight up that she should've just kept her mouth stuffed with a cock?
Focus.

Chuckles
Yeah, but try and deny the inherent truth of my statement!

(And actually I was kinda cloaking a thought in my comment. For me, and this is just for me, I tend to think that lots of discussion isn't exactly a great sign in a relationship. In fact, in many ways, I think it's real damaging. Now, I'm not knocking communication, and I'm certainly not knocking the occasional state of the union, but, painting with a broad brush here, it's a personal belief that people can be in relationships or analyze em, but it's freaking tough to do both. I have this irrational idea that we're called human beings for a reason, and that our purpose is simply, "to be." It ain't to analyze, it ain't to rip apart and assess every tiny tea leaf of the interactions, it's to exist together and grow together. That's what makes for strong, rooted, healthy relationships, not nonstop discussions.
So yeah, in a lot of ways, I do believe my comment. And personally, and again, maybe this is just me (And most likely Ron too :-o), but it's my humble experience that if she's got my cock in her mouth, I'm a happy dom. And happy doms, they tend to make for happy slaves. Which is a happy, happy, happy, as far as this cat is concerned)

Chin out there far enough yet, friend Focus?


LOL Actually, I agree.. as shocking as that may sound. Many discussions on the same topic means something isnt getting through to someone, something isnt changing, and its not likely to change. If its minor, its time to let it go. He forgets to hang the toilet paper the "right" way. Bah, fix it yourself. But if its major enough that someone keeps bringing it up, it merely means that its important enough to bring up, but not important enough for the other to change.

Yeah, that isnt going to work out well.



tazzygirl -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (6/1/2013 7:50:03 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50


quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

The OP made a nasty, hasty assessment of a poster....

This would be in response to that poster telling her straight up that she should've just kept her mouth stuffed with a cock?

Yeah, that bitch...! [:-]

Focus.


You have any idea how many times I have been told or asked that when complaining about a man? It sorta goes with the territory, especially considering this is a kink site. Hell, Ron has said something similar to me on many occasions. There are many habits that can be altered with a sweet given blow job. If it cant be changed with that, it cant be changed at all. [;)]



tazzygirl -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (6/1/2013 7:52:31 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder


So how do you survive in the real world if the internet makes you cry?



Ummm because very few people are actually as horse's ass rude and douchey to one's face as they are hiding behind a keyboard in another state? That would be my reply. I have never had someone say the retarded, ass-hatty things within earshot that some of them have typed out here. They would not dare. Putting up a cutesy avatar and spewing out one's own "truth" to your heart's delight is way safer than spewing it into another's ears. Wouldn't you say?

luci


I do dare.. and quite often.



LafayetteLady -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (6/1/2013 8:31:00 PM)

I've rarely seen anyone say what you said they said to you. I'm not doubting that they did, but in my many years here (since 2004), I've seen it said maybe twice.

Yes, people are often told they shouldn't be in a relationship...UNTIL they can figure out who they are and what they want. They have been told that if they are not mentally in a good place, they can't have a successful relationship. Sorry, but there is no way to say that in a way that doesn't hurt someone who is overly sensitive.

I agree with Kana, and frankly it is usually women who are over analyzing things to death. Some things just aren't worth spending an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out. It either works for you or it doesn't. Over analyzing tends to be done when someone is trying to figure out how they could have made the relationship work, or how they can change the other person. Sometimes, yes seeing your part in its failure has value, but more often than not, it is merely a matter of figuring out that people don't change, and those differences weren't compatible. Not rocket science.

I readily admit I lack patience with the people who seem to need to read every self help book on the market. Seems to me if they need that much help, a professional would be better than a book.

And yes, I say EXACTLY the same things to people face to face. I don't put on some fake persona because I'm on the internet. I am who I am, here and in person. Yes, that is the same blunt, in your face person. I don't make apologies for who I am in real life, I'm certainly not going to start doing it on the internet.

Obviously, Nueva, while part of this was in response to you, it covered several different posts.



Focus50 -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (6/1/2013 9:49:51 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

There are many habits that can be altered with a sweet given blow job. If it cant be changed with that, it cant be changed at all. [;)]

Which is probably why I much prefer to give a good throat fucking than receive a sweet bj. I'm just too much of a gent to have the ladies doing all the work.... [8D]

Errrm, for future reference in case you ever come visit. [;)]

Focus.



tazzygirl -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (6/1/2013 9:53:20 PM)

~grins

I will keep that in mind



Focus50 -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (6/1/2013 9:57:46 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

He forgets to hang the toilet paper the "right" way. Bah, fix it yourself.

I like him already.... I mean, I'd likely "forget" too, if I thought my girl had a thing about the "right way" toilet paper should hang.

Focus



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