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RE: Purely hypothetical... - 6/25/2013 3:38:28 PM

LadyPact

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressRosalyn
Ok, let's say the spouse is totally asexual...at least as far as with her hubby. Who knows, since this is hypothetical, she could be getting fucked senseless by the pool boy, yet doesn't want to end the marriage for whatever reason. For the sake of this example, though, she is turning a total blind eye to her hubby'a exploits.

I didn't see this part earlier. I think it may have been being typed when I was responding to the first part. Mind if I chime in on the extra?

The spouse not putting out isn't a legitimate reason if we're actually talking about cheating here. Neither is "she doesn't understand" or "she's not kinky". Those things aren't a reason to do things behind a spouse's back.

"She's turning a blind eye" isn't exactly the phrase I would have used if she was aware. Wouldn't people who are consenting and knowledgeable be phrased as looking at the situation, rather than only having part of their vision?

I think that both Evesgarden and Rawni made excellent posts on this thread. I'd suggest reading them over again a couple of times. Anybody being dishonest with their wife absolutely will be dishonest with you. It might take time for you to discover it, but it will come out in the end.

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RE: Purely hypothetical... - 6/25/2013 3:45:18 PM

PeonForHer

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quote:

Is the spouse "consenting" because they feel they don't have a choice?

That would be the thing that would gnaw at me the most, I think. The wife who says to her hub, brightly, 'Yes, off you go and serve that Domme' and says goodbye to a part of her soul in doing so, just in order to save her marriage. Or the hub who gives the nod to a wife who wants to be dominated by the alpha wolf (TM) that he can never be, nor would ever want to be. How monumentally depressing.

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RE: Purely hypothetical... - 6/25/2013 4:47:28 PM

evesgrden

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

quote:

Is the spouse "consenting" because they feel they don't have a choice?

That would be the thing that would gnaw at me the most, I think. The wife who says to her hub, brightly, 'Yes, off you go and serve that Domme' and says goodbye to a part of her soul in doing so, just in order to save her marriage. Or the hub who gives the nod to a wife who wants to be dominated by the alpha wolf (TM) that he can never be, nor would ever want to be. How monumentally depressing.

That doesn't save a marriage, because she's the one who's lying now and quite possibly trying to convince herself it's true; perhaps the old "fake it till you make it". It will gnaw away at her, and if he knows her at all, he'll know the real truth too, that she's saying it to appease him.

Now, what if the spouse says "go ahead, but you have to understand that you might well be starting the beginning of the end of us". We now have consent, and honesty... except it's tainted. And I don't mean that an ultimatum was given, but rather an advisement to the kinky spouse that there may well be unintended consequences. The relationship is now at risk; they might well survive it and come out stronger, or it could really be the beginning of the end.

Caveat emptor.

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RE: Purely hypothetical... - 6/25/2013 9:44:35 PM

MistressRosalyn

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I find it interesting that some have assumed that there is something involving me behind this hypothetical situation and are addressing the question in this manner.
Since my strokes, I find that I live much in my mind, and I end up wondering about things. I post questions here because many people have interesting takes on whatever the subject at hand is. My own morals are quite fixed on this subject, and you will notice I don't say what they are, nor how I came to believe as I do, nor did I ask advice for my sake. I only asked for opinions. Typing stuff on a phonescreen is rather annoying, so I will let folks continue if they like now.

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RE: Purely hypothetical... - 6/25/2013 11:27:12 PM

LadyPact

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressRosalyn
For the record, this situation is truly hypothetical, triggered by a letter, and a friend's circumstances.

I thank everyone for taking their valuable time to consider the issue, and respond, and I welcome more insight. This will certainly help with the situation my friend finds himself in currently. And no, he really is just a friend, no sexual entanglements involved.

First, I want to totally congratulate you on your aptitude in using your phone to post. That is a sincere compliment. So many folks who post from phones end up posting numerous mistakes in spelling, punctuation, spelling, etc. You've even learned how to increase the font size and change it's color. I don't think I've seen anybody on the boards figure that part out before. That's a pretty good job from where I'm sitting.

In the part that I've put in bold above, I couldn't say that I entirely agree that the "purely hypothetical" choice of title. You've got a friend who is either currently married or is in a vanilla relationship, where he has a kink side. He's either discussing the matter with you or might be wondering what you thought of his predicament. There's at least something there that got your mind roaming on the matter which wouldn't have necessarily been sparked if you had not had a reason to be thinking on the situation. In thinking about various possibilities or any "what ifs" you added, it certainly does sound as though there was a basis in reality that led you to expand where your thoughts led on the matter.

Even if it would have been completely hypothetical, from what I'm seeing, there are at least three posters who are sharing experience on the matter, so it is a situation that does come up in the real world.

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RE: Purely hypothetical... - 6/26/2013 6:03:48 AM

evesgrden

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quote:

this situation is truly hypothetical, triggered by a letter, and a friend's circumstances.
I thank everyone for taking their valuable time to consider the issue, and respond, and I welcome more insight. This will certainly help with the situation my friend finds himself in currently

I understand that this situation doesn't involve you directly, but it's not what I call hypothetical by any means.

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RE: Purely hypothetical... - 6/26/2013 6:51:57 AM

Rawni

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressRosalyn

I find it interesting that some have assumed that there is something involving me behind this hypothetical situation and are addressing the question in this manner.
Since my strokes, I find that I live much in my mind, and I end up wondering about things. I post questions here because many people have interesting takes on whatever the subject at hand is. My own morals are quite fixed on this subject, and you will notice I don't say what they are, nor how I came to believe as I do, nor did I ask advice for my sake. I only asked for opinions. Typing stuff on a phonescreen is rather annoying, so I will let folks continue if they like now.

First of all, as someone who has TIA's, I do get what you are going through to some degree and I am sorry you have had them, but I think they had little to do with the creation of this thread as you claim.

Apparently we assumed correctly, that the question you presented was a situation close to you... a real situation and not a hypothetical one. So pointing out your interest in how we addressed it is interesting. As if we did something wrong to recognize someone that either had something going on or was stirring shit up with the current threads on the forum. There were opinions already out there, heatedly being discussed and you didn't think we would find it interesting that you would start a hypothetical thread on it and question why that might be? Do you think we're dumb? You almost don't have to assume jack shit on that one. More like a dead give away.

You say that you wonder about things and find that people here have interesting takes on subjects. If you know and believe this, then you know that they often see something, pick something out of the dark and can be incorrect or correct. You also know that people give advice whether it is asked for or not. It is the nature of people on a forum and happens constantly.

So please, be interested, offended or whatever it is that you will be, but it wasn't us assumer's (wasn't that me?) that presented something as one thing, when it was in fact something else and then pointed and said basically how rude... I didn't ask for advice or assumptions.

Come on now.

< Message edited by Rawni -- 6/26/2013 6:54:52 AM >

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RE: Purely hypothetical... - 6/30/2013 5:59:34 AM

garyFLR

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressRosalyn

Ok, I know that everyone will want to voice their opinion here, whether they are a Mistress or not, which is fine. So here is a purely hypothetical question. We all know how the average CM person feels about cheating...so we needn't go into that or beat that dead horse.
However, is it cheating if your wife knows about your kink and has given you permission?
Is it cheating if someone submits with to a Master or Mistress with no sex being involved? For example, some subs just want to serve, but not sexually. Chastity devices and cucks come to mind.
In short, is there ever a circumstance in which a married sub can serve someone other than his wife, and not be viewed as a cheater?
Let the games begin!

I'm not entirely happy with the 'consent of the spouse' idea, they may have given consent, but really don't like the idea, but go along with it. It would be awful if a person was indulging their kink & the spouse was dying quietly inside.

Serving your Mistress or Lady, takes a lot of emotional commitment, if you have a partner, then I personally would call it cheating. if you are truly genuine & honest in your subservience to your Lady, then the emotional decks have to be cleared, how would the Domme partner feel when her submissive says goodnight & goes home to another woman, is the sub truly submissive or is he just scratching an itch?

In short, I personally believe it's cheating, but, of course, it is only my opinion.

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RE: Purely hypothetical... - 6/30/2013 8:03:03 AM

orgasmdenial12

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quote:

...is it cheating if your wife knows about your kink and has given you permission?

No, it's having an open relationship.

quote:

Is it cheating if someone submits with to a Master or Mistress with no sex being involved? For example, some subs just want to serve, but not sexually. Chastity devices and cucks come to mind.

Yes, it is cheating, unless the wife knows about it, in which case it's having an open relationship.

quote:

In short, is there ever a circumstance in which a married sub can serve someone other than his wife, and not be viewed as a cheater?

So long as the wife knows about it, it's not cheating. If the wife doesn't know, then it's *always* cheating, regardless of how innocent the play may seem. Because if it really was innocent, there wouldn't be any reason for the wife not to know about it.

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RE: Purely hypothetical... - 6/30/2013 8:11:48 AM

orgasmdenial12

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quote:

Ok, let's say the spouse is totally asexual...at least as far as with her hubby. Who knows, since this is hypothetical, she could be getting fucked senseless by the pool boy, yet doesn't want to end the marriage for whatever reason. For the sake of this example, though, she is turning a total blind eye to her hubby'a exploits.

Turning a blind eye or just hasn't noticed? Knows that something is going on, but doesn't know it involves BDSM? Until we know what they don't know, we can't say what they do know and we certainly can't base morality decisions on guesstimates of how much they've guessed!

Ultimately, asexuality is not a good reason to cheat. It's a pretty good reason to break up, imo, and it's a pretty good reason to have a long sit down conversation about lack of sexual intimacy in a relationship being a dealbreaker, but it's not a good reason to cheat because *there is no such thing as a good reason to cheat.* This really has nothing to do with whether she wants to end the marriage or not because her desire to maintain a marriage is not a good reason to cheat! If the partner is not happy with her asexuality then he needs to be thinking about ending the marriage, simple as.

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RE: Purely hypothetical... - 6/30/2013 11:50:19 AM

piccante

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
That said.... let's hypothesize a man who is in a vanilla marriage and feels a need to serve. He scratches his itch by being extra attentive to a woman at his work. He gets her coffee and little gifts occasionally. At what point does his activity cross the line between innocence and become cheating?

Personally, I think his intentions determine if the line between innocence and cheating has been crossed. If, in the depths of his heart, he knows he's being attentive to this woman in order to scratch his particular itch to serve, I'd say he's crossing it. Perhaps not blatantly, but crossing it nonetheless. Not least because if this method were indeed adequate in satiating his need to serve - I'd have doubts it would be enough, mind you - surely he could direct it towards his wife? Who, I'm quite sure, would probably not mind in the least being brought coffee and little gifts on occasion.

If, however, he were attentive to the woman at work out of, say, friendship alone, and his attentions were not driven by an underlying intention to slyly inject some servitude into his day, then I'd say innocence.

Just my opinion, and of course I'm sure not everyone will see it as I do, given that is a slightly trickier version of events than simply having sex on the sly.

< Message edited by piccante -- 6/30/2013 11:55:06 AM >

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RE: Purely hypothetical... - 6/30/2013 6:57:21 PM

MistressLucyK

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To be honest I don't really care if he's cheating or not

As long as I don't get any contact from other party

If he/she wanted to engage in any form of activity with another party, then he should have made sure I wouldn't be involved in his relationship dispute

Or else that sub's history

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RE: Purely hypothetical... - 6/30/2013 11:17:22 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

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If I get to talk to the wife/significant other in person first to make sure she knows and is okay with it, I would consider having a married sub. But if there is even an inkling of her not being really okay with it, it would never happen.

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