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RE: Is life harder for switches? - 10/16/2013 7:14:20 PM

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I really don't understand why a switch has to explain themselves at all. You are who you are. If someone doesn't get it they don't. People in general like to push their agendas and stuff on others. Forgetting that this is the land of free and one can be anything they wish. We are all unique and just because you think something about me certainly doesn't mean it is true. So no it isn't harder for switches it is harder for those who THINK they need to figure us out or have done so already. When all they have to do is ask.

(in reply to NiceButMeanGirl)

RE: Is life harder for switches? - 10/25/2013 3:49:40 AM

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I roll my eyes so hard when people are all like "oh if someone likes getting things done to them they're not dominant enough and so I can't submit to them." It's the whole 'twuu whatever' thing that gets me. It seems to me that a lot of people are either one thing or the other for a partner and so they might very well be totally dominant with you, why does it matter if they're not totally dominant with everyone? It's like that gag-worthy "all women are supposed to submit to all men who are all dominant by nature" except that it reads as "all people should submit to my dominant partner who is just that dominant". Whatever. Isn't it what's between you two that matters?

I'd be willing to switch with the right person, say if I found a nice switch who had an occasional dominant streak, though I don't consider myself a switch because it would have to be very, very precisely calibrated and very much so the right person. Because I do enjoy the exploration of the feelings of pain. I wouldn't consider them less submissive because they had the occasional desire to satisfy someone's urges from the top, or whatever. However, as I'm not interested in submitting, or being "dominant" constantly, more into the s/m side of things, that likely colors my opinion. I really wouldn't care if someone wanted me to tie them up and whip them and had in the past, been on the other side of the kneel. I feel like everyone deserves to enjoy themselves and if they enjoy both things, why shouldn't they have the opportunity to do both things?

Some switches switch with each other. Some switches are dominant with some people and submissive with others. I think it's quite unfortunate that this means it's harder for them to find a partner, because of misunderstandings, but hey, each relationship is individual, unique, dependent on the person.

What works for me might not work for you.

(in reply to SweetAnise)

RE: Is life harder for switches? - 10/27/2013 1:19:43 PM

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Being a switch is like savoring moonlight AND sunlight while living in the dusk or dawn. Some people are self-proclaimed "night owls" or "morning persons." So, they try to live according to their natural rhythms. Switches like emotional and sexual "travel." There is a love of freedom and growth through a variety of expressions and relations.

I love equal partnerships. Two heads are better than one. I need to make decisions with a partner. I need that clear boundary that I am always responsible for my own choices and that others are always responsible for theirs. Some D/s types think that abdicating responsibility equates with allowing vulnerability. I think it allows for "using." Alternately, some D/s types think that taking responsibility for a mentally whole adult equates with protection. I think it stunts growth.

So, why D/s? Well, I think it should be called, "D/s/S." (for switch)

The literature on BDSM says in a generalized way that a Dom/Domme tends to be laid back in society while the submissives are the Alphas in society. It's a relief to submit after controlling the world all day!

So, what's the difference between an Alpha who has to submit in the workplace to all sorts of rules, regulations, laws, etc... and comes home to submit and the switch, who comes home and expresses their sexuality in more than one way?

I'm more holistic than polarized. I'm more citizen of the universe than tribal. I'm more spiritual than religious. I'm more humanist than gender/age/economic, etc... minded. I am attracted to the same in others.

Some people are hard-wired in one polarity more than another and all they need to do is know that about themselves. There's someone for almost everyone. It's not wrong for others to be different than me - it's delightful. I am open, flexible and curious and "switch" is congruent with the rest of me.

It's a useful label because it denotes freedom. If I said I like to submit sexually, others may assume that I have a submissive personality or that I am a kinkster/bottom. Nope. That doesn't fit, either. It's not about a lack of power exchange. It's about flowing with what I feel at the time and not being limited or dealing with someone who is limited by one way of expression. Being a switch is a rewarding way to live - for me.

Someone wrote here on a switch thread that it isn't that they can't decide on one way, it's that they want it all. I would add that not everyone can do that. I feel lucky that I can.

As CP said, it's about knowing yourself, knowing your "other," and creating a love that fits.

(in reply to Dreamless)

RE: Is life harder for switches? - 12/11/2013 1:49:34 PM

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Nothing wrong with being a Switch! nothing at all

One usual criticism is it's what they call "Sitting in the middle lane" but so what?

You can do different things with different People!

what the hell have fun

(in reply to NiceButMeanGirl)

RE: Is life harder for switches? - 12/11/2013 2:07:09 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissKittyDeVine

Do switches get a harder time from either/or/both dominants and subs than people who identify as one or the other?

People don't tend to give me a hard time. I think they know better.

quote:

Are subs reluctant to submit to a switch as they're 'not completely dominant'?

Some, sure. It makes their teeth itch. Nothing much to be done about it other than educate folks if they want to know or just leave them be and allow that all of us
have our opinions.

Side note: I think people confuse energy-oriented with indecisive. It's probably the former much more often than the latter once you cull out the 'I'll do anything
just to get laid' crowd which, IMO, falls into the Horndog box and really doesn't have much to do with BDSM at all.

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to MissKittyDeVine)

RE: Is life harder for switches? - 12/12/2013 7:26:25 AM

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I'm going to take a stab at this, but feel free to disagree.

Being a switch is a lot like being a beta wolf. Your bigger, faster, and more experienced than the omega wolves(subs), so domming them comes naturally. You however are not alpha(dom) who is twice the better you are. When the alpha walks by, you avert your eyes out of respect. If the alpha wishes to take the beta, that is his right.

So is being a switch hard? No, its who we are. To commit to either side would be a lie to both yourself and your s/D.
To put it simply, I ain't no top dog, yeah, but I sure as hell ain't a bitch, got me...sorry my texan slipped out.

(in reply to BitaTruble)

RE: Is life harder for switches? - 12/12/2013 7:44:41 AM

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I couldn't possible disagree with you more.

I'm an alpha personality. I think anyone who has been a member of this board for any length of time will agree with this self assessment.

I'm alpha in everything I do, whether it's domming, subbing, cooking, cleaning, running a business, writing an article. It's who I am. I just so happen to be an alpha personality who switches.

I admit I think there are some switches who fit your description. I'm going to restate something I said earlier in the thread:

It's a label, and like all labels its incredibly useful, until it's not.

_____________________________

(in reply to torsten212)

RE: Is life harder for switches? - 12/12/2013 7:57:25 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissKittyDeVine

Are subs reluctant to submit to a switch as they're 'not completely dominant'?

As a sub this is the only part that I can actually reply too and generally I don't like submitting to switches since I struggle to see them as dominant enough for me.

(in reply to MissKittyDeVine)

RE: Is life harder for switches? - 1/15/2014 2:28:45 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
Whether or not someone is 'dominant enough' has nothing to do with them subbing to another, that criteria is far too individual to make that assumption. Many switches make excellent doms AND subs specifically b/c they know both sides.

vs

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
Not all switches want another switch. Some of us specifically don't.

I think there is some hypocrisy here. Sometimes switches say to me that they don't play with other switches because they find it a power struggle, or it flip flops about too much, or it gets complicated. Sometimes they say that they prefer to play with people who are only sub or Dom because it maintains the boundaries more easily.

So, why is it okay for a switch to say that they don't want to play with another switch, but if a sub or Dom/me says they don't want to play with a switch, that's some kind of prejudice?

For me, I simply prefer to play with someone who maintains the same role, preferably because that role comes naturally to them and they have no issues of conflict with wanting to change roles. If it's okay for switches to want that, it's surely okay for anyone else to want it too? Or is it not? And if not, why not?

There are benefits to playing with switches, of course, but there are also aspects which can be trickier or more confusing. It's not wrong or something to be judged if a person chooses to avoid those trickier aspects by not playing with switches, imo. And if it is wrong, then why are some switches saying the same thing?

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

RE: Is life harder for switches? - 1/15/2014 4:56:41 PM

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I'm not feeling the question is well defined.

I see a switch as either:

1. Being WILLING to Dom or sub or else NEEDING to be Dom or sub.
2. Being switch in scenes (top/bottom) or else in relationships.

Relationships:
Someone who is willing to take another role - no issues.
Someone who NEEDS to take both roles - it's not easy for one switch to find another, meaning that poly is sometimes needed, which is a whole nother can of worms.

Scene:
In play scenes, no issue. I am a top exclusively, and will play with women if they're willing to bottom to me. I don't care if they're subs or switches as long as the chemistry is there.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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(in reply to orgasmdenial12)

RE: Is life harder for switches? - 1/15/2014 5:40:20 PM

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I don't think you understand my post. I have played with plenty of switches and my current sub switches some times. My point is I can't switch with the same person. It just doesn't work for me.

I feel either dom toward someone or sub, but I can't flip back and forth with a person. It's nothing against those that do...again I think some switches prefer another switch that they can switch with, or they are like me.

Hope that clears that up.

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RE: Is life harder for switches? - 1/17/2014 6:05:50 AM

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FAst Reply

I respect Switches, and I genuinely view them as the most sexually open-minded folks of all BDSM orientation, because they swing both ways and experience everything, they are willing to be Top and Bottom.

But I'll have to admit that I am not THAT sexually open-minded.

I can never dom and never would want to, and I believe I would be more compatible with a dom who has never subbed. Because I personally feel, especially if we were to built a long term relationship, what if this switch wants to sub again sometime in the course of our relationship? Then what? I will never be a domme and I will get very very upset if he goes seek a domme to sub under. As I need an exclusive relationship.

I just can't see it working. I will always worry if his missing out on the the subbing side of things by only being a dominant for me, without being able to explore his sub side.

It just cannot work.

I am puzzled as to why Switch aren't attracted to fellow Switches though. They have so much in common, both willing to swing both ways. I thought it should be a perfect match. If switch don't even want each other, then..., yea, it will be difficult!

But I have more problems with males with submissive profiles, wanting to dom me, that is silly!

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 1/17/2014 6:11:51 AM >

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

RE: Is life harder for switches? - 1/19/2014 11:10:50 AM

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~FR~

I've been following this thread with great interest and have found much food for thought, so thank you to all the posters!

I do have a question though, and I'd be really interested in some honest feedback from you guys. I have dated a couple of switch guys in the past, and both were very dominant with me. However, what made the potential relationships fall at the first hurdle was these guys wanting/needing to fulfil their sub side and having to do this with another partner, since this is something I could not do for them.

I'm also totally wired for monogamy and in my head bdsm 'play' is intimate, sensual and even sexual, to a point. Even if there is no penetration and even if both parties keep their pants on I regard it as intimate as, say, having a good old game of tonsil hockey. And for me, my partner snogging someone else would cause major disruption in the relationship. I know this is not true for all submissives (a quick straw poll of my r/l sub friends yielded a range of opinions), but it is for me.

So my question (finally!) would be - as a switch considering an ltr with a sub with my mindset, would you be able to pretty much permanently submerge your sub side in order to remain in the relationship? If not, how would you deal with those needs and still keep the relationship on an even keel?

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(in reply to Greta75)

RE: Is life harder for switches? - 1/19/2014 11:25:39 PM

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My Mistress and I are also wired for monogamy, and there is no separating the kink component from the erotically sexual with us either. We consider ourselves life partners, started living together last year, and I would marry her in a heartbeat if she wanted. Other couples might be willing to play with a third, but that's not an option for us, probably because we view BDSM kinkiness as being intimate or sexual in nature. No b.s., but I don't look at other women. I think it was Paul Newman who said, "Why go out for hamburger when you have steak at home?"

She says I'm more sub than switch, and I know better than to argue with her. I can't speak for other guys, and definitely not for female switches, but it really depends on what sorts of Topping & bottoming the switch enjoys doing, and what he is willing to forego. We know a Domme who likes to get tied up & duct-taped, another one who has a masochistic streak from time to time. Whether that makes them switches or not isn't up to us or others to decide.

Our thing which makes us compatible together (which I have her permission to disclose!) is when she does want to bottom, I'm happy to oblige her with a spanking & fondling session. This gets her in the mood for a ravishment scene. (We don't like to call it rape play.) Her twist on this is to turn the tables on her ravisher (me), and what makes it highly erotic is how seductive she is and how she works in teasing & denial. Oftentimes the ravishment scenario starts off with a seductive dance or striptease, like a haremgirl-sultan deal, so whereas I may overpower her physically, she overpowers me psychologically, as well as directing the scene. (She doesn't like to be tied or kept restrained and neither one of us is sado-masochistic.)

Basically, if you have ever been in the military, it's natural to switch modes. I could command a unit while reporting to my CO. It becomes second nature. By the same token, in civilian life you ordinarily have a boss or someone who outranks you, and then you might have subordinates to supervise or co-workers to train. There's no conflict, and if I had nobody to manage other than myself, I'd be perfectly content with that situation. I have no pressing need to boss anybody around.

As for dominating a female sub, perhaps a more dominantly-inclined switch can fill you in on that, myotherself. We only know a couple of male switches, and they are more sub than Dom.

-- Cub

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RE: Is life harder for switches? - 1/20/2014 2:01:46 AM

pg4g

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myotherself,

That's actually an extremely interesting question for me... can I submerge my sub side? I'd say no, and I've tried.

My natural tendency would be to dom, but I have this niggling need to sub. I'm not really a fan of the fact I have this need, and its really non-consensual and stuff which stuffs with my head. Still doesn't sit right with me, but I have to admit it's there.

I suppressed both in a vanilla relationship for 4 years. Which side was the side that I couldn't live without and caused issues? The sub side. The need is far more intense on that side, even though it disagrees with my natural tendencies, and even though I don't like the fact I need it. Eventually I had to tell my partner about all of it, because suppressing it was destroying the relationship.

I suppose all I'm saying is that I can relate to someone where one or both sides might be needed. All I can recommend is talking about it. Can they live without getting that desire met? That's something only they can answer.

(in reply to HoneyBears)

RE: Is life harder for switches? - 1/20/2014 10:43:22 AM

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great answers guys - thank you for your honesty.

Now I'm going to go and think some more

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There's nowt so queer as folk

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RE: Is life harder for switches? - 1/22/2014 4:50:20 PM

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I would feel like a failure getting into a relationship with a switch. Knowing that at some point he would be unfulfilled and I could neither fulfill him nor be okay with him being fulfilled elsewhere with someone else.

And I don't believe a switch would be fine without ever fulfilling their sub side again, for the next 20 or 30 years. From what people here say, after a couple of years they really do need to express their other needs.

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Cynical and proud of it!

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RE: Is life harder for switches? - 1/25/2014 9:49:10 PM

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I had a relationship with a switch for a few years. With me, she was always submissive. Right now she is with a submissive guy with whom she is always Dominant. Neither she nor I are poly-amorous, so I am not sure how she would act in that situation. She says that once she assumes one role or the other, she doesn't have the need to change it. It's been a few years now for them, too.

On the other hand, I know switches who feel the need to change roles pretty often.

Diversity makes the universe work. There are as many different kinds of people as there are people living.

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: Is life harder for switches? - 3/12/2014 3:45:37 PM

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Short answer: Harder no, more complicated at times, yes.

The more "but", "if", "and", "or" you throw into what you are looking for, the more complicated the search becomes. It doesn't have to be HARDER unless you can't be honest.

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If you wanna know you better ask, and if i don't want to answer i won't.

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RE: Is life harder for switches? - 3/12/2014 11:09:24 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself

I do have a question though, and I'd be really interested in some honest feedback from you guys. I have dated a couple of switch guys in the past, and both were very dominant with me. However, what made the potential relationships fall at the first hurdle was these guys wanting/needing to fulfil their sub side and having to do this with another partner, since this is something I could not do for them.

I'm also totally wired for monogamy and in my head bdsm 'play' is intimate, sensual and even sexual, to a point.
<snip>

My concerns are similar but not the same as yours, myotherself. In the past, I would have not been willing to consider a switch, since he would have to be what I deemed relationship material. I don't want to offend anyone, because many of you switches have been unfairly judged, and I don't want to add to that.

Two dilemmas, really. First, as a parallel to what was asked here, is whether a (male) switch can submerge his dominant tendencies to be a collared submissive within a D/s dynamic without needing to Top someone else from time to time? I'm also totally monogamous (and straight), so this would be an instant deal breaker for me. I have run across two sets of profiles where a guy has set himself in one as a Dom and in the other as a sub, instead of maintaining one switch profile. They didn't think I'd figure this out, and I won't deal with either switch, because they weren't upfront about it.

The other part has to do with the last 3 (male) switches I've exchanged messages with here on CM. Why are inexperienced vanilla guys coming on this site classifying themselves as switches, other than as a default because they don't want to pretend they are Dom, and they don't want to get lumped in with submissive males? I guess this is better than posing as a fake Dom or fake sub, but in 2 of 3 cases, it turns out they're not even into any fetishes/kinks that they will admit to. (What they would admit to didn't even fall anywhere close to BDSM.) My theory is that these "vanilla" switches come on this site for wank fodder, or they mistakenly assume all the women on this site must be nymphos who don't care who they hook up with. This really gives bona fide (male) switches a bad rep. Well, it does with me, but I don't see any way around this except by starting right off the bat screening for BDSM deal breakers. Btw, one guy has been on here for 3 years with a blank profile, and the other for over a year sounding more like a bedroom sub. (No, wanting to give oral is not BDSM--it's just sex.)

Any opinions from actual switches?

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to myotherself)

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