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ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

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ORIGINAL: myotherself

I do have a question though, and I'd be really interested in some honest feedback from you guys. I have dated a couple of switch guys in the past, and both were very dominant with me. However, what made the potential relationships fall at the first hurdle was these guys wanting/needing to fulfil their sub side and having to do this with another partner, since this is something I could not do for them.

I'm also totally wired for monogamy and in my head bdsm 'play' is intimate, sensual and even sexual, to a point.
<snip>

My concerns are similar but not the same as yours, myotherself. In the past, I would have not been willing to consider a switch, since he would have to be what I deemed relationship material. I don't want to offend anyone, because many of you switches have been unfairly judged, and I don't want to add to that.

Two dilemmas, really. First, as a parallel to what was asked here, is whether a (male) switch can submerge his dominant tendencies to be a collared submissive within a D/s dynamic without needing to Top someone else from time to time? I'm also totally monogamous (and straight), so this would be an instant deal breaker for me. I have run across two sets of profiles where a guy has set himself in one as a Dom and in the other as a sub, instead of maintaining one switch profile. They didn't think I'd figure this out, and I won't deal with either switch, because they weren't upfront about it.

The other part has to do with the last 3 (male) switches I've exchanged messages with here on CM. Why are inexperienced vanilla guys coming on this site classifying themselves as switches, other than as a default because they don't want to pretend they are Dom, and they don't want to get lumped in with submissive males? I guess this is better than posing as a fake Dom or fake sub, but in 2 of 3 cases, it turns out they're not even into any fetishes/kinks that they will admit to. (What they would admit to didn't even fall anywhere close to BDSM.) My theory is that these "vanilla" switches come on this site for wank fodder, or they mistakenly assume all the women on this site must be nymphos who don't care who they hook up with. This really gives bona fide (male) switches a bad rep. Well, it does with me, but I don't see any way around this except by starting right off the bat screening for BDSM deal breakers. Btw, one guy has been on here for 3 years with a blank profile, and the other for over a year sounding more like a bedroom sub. (No, wanting to give oral is not BDSM--it's just sex.)

Any opinions from actual switches?

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ORIGINAL: pg4g

First Question:

As I've stated, this will depend entirely on the switch. Personally I have two rules:
1. I only want a relationship with another switch, or a dom who's happy for me to take the reigns every now and again, and likes a lot of fight in his guy.
2. I couldn't be dom with one guy, and sub with another. It has to be the one guy, and a relationship interest.

These are because I have to be compatible, and a dominant/switch or a switch are the only people I'm compatible with. And I'm not interested in playing with multiple people. One guy - the guy I love and trust.

Can a switch submerge a side? I've submerged both before, but they built up, much like the desire for some builds up to do BDSM & D/s in the first place. I have no idea how other switches work, and I'm sure we're all different anyway.

Second Question:

That sounds a heck of a lot like a gay man on a dating site putting bi: trying to convince himself he's at least PART straight when damn well he's into men. And I'll be downright honest: I did the same thing. I told people I was bi despite being 100% gay. I even told myself. There's a strong correlation here: subs are looked down on. Why would a guy want to be a subordinate, or lower than, a woman or another man? That's a big social taboo. Things like this are especially hard to face for a man: being gay, or being submissive. These stereotypes (of a strong, dominant, straight male) are silent but persistent in society, and they are very, very difficult to overcome.

I'll be honest: being gay and suggested that I'm submissive to my man offends me. I was marching in a squad on my base last week and a mate who has been with me to all my deployments muttered "(my name) takes it up the arse..." and the moment that we were dismissed from the squad, I punched him, and threatened him with more. I'm extremely defensive like that. If people suggest I'm my partner's fucktoy, my reputation is ruined.

In some ways, I can see switch as a way for men to say "I like to submit" but without the utter shame they'd feel if they admitted they're a sub. Either that, or maybe they think because they're a strong character in the world, they're still part dominant.

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ORIGINAL: piggylez

And from a Lesbian's perspective, I find it quite interesting HOW MANY MALES continue to message me and question my sexual preference. Because I am a Switch Female, doesn't mean that I switch teams. If that was the case, I would state myself to be bisexual.

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ORIGINAL: pg4g

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ORIGINAL: piggylez

And from a Lesbian's perspective, I find it quite interesting HOW MANY MALES continue to message me and question my sexual preference. Because I am a Switch Female, doesn't mean that I switch teams. If that was the case, I would state myself to be bisexual.

This probably comes from two things:

1. Many switches are bi, or at least open to playing with both.
2. Most men hope that either of the above works cos they want a lesbian fantasy fulfilled.

Be complimented they're after you! Hehe

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ORIGINAL: Katherine32

What i love is that, though i list myself as a lesbian sub (which should imply what im looking for), i get messages from not just male Doms but male subs as well. I am a lesbian submissive. Why would I be seeking a male sub?

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ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar

~FR~

Life's harder for people who wonder if life's harder for them...

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ORIGINAL: errantgeek

Frankly, being switch wouldn't be a bad deal but for switch-phobia, and it is a huge problem in the BDSM community at large. I've heard it all -- submissives telling me they could never submit to a switch because they don't think a switch is "dominant enough", dominants telling me they'd never dominate a switch because "they top from the bottom", monogamous folks telling switches they'd never be with a switch out of the notion switches or all poly, promiscuous, or would cheat. Honestly, it can be downright insulting at times that a community that nominally prides itself on sexual plurality would be so exclusive. There was actually a long period of time I would identify as one role or the other, ignoring my own desires and preferences to conform, or even have two profiles -- one to contact subs, and another to contact dominants. Eventually I grew out of it and stopped caring, because people who cannot accept my interests and nature as a switch just aren't worth the effort, but at times it can be a real ball of suck.

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ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

It sounds as if you've had one big adventurous journey and got yourself sorted out, so congratulations for that...Labels are useful but not meant to define the entirety of who we are as complex individuals.

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ORIGINAL: errantgeek
....
The poly issue has always boggled my mind. Poly people who are straight, homosexual, exclusively dominant or submissive, don't get nearly the crap for it on a regular basis as switches. On the other side, switches are perfectly capable of monogamy if their relationship is emotionally fulfilling -- and for that matter, who really dictates what constitutes polyamory? Does performing a scene with a third party regardless of role, that doesn't involve sexual contact, count for example? It's a capricious, arbitrary, double standard.

Talking about topping from the bottom, it's actually been my experience switches tend to be better at not doing it than exclusively subs. Switches have a dominant's perspective on the matter -- with experience, they'll know what behaviors and attitudes can be construed as topping from the bottom, how badly it can wreck a dominant's enjoyment of a scene or undermine a D/s relationship, and how to avoid doing it. Of course, having a dominant's perspective I believe switches can be much more discerning of partners and capable of detecting BS on the part of dominants who are, for lack of a better way to say it, deficit in experience, ethics, or quality of character -- and I believe that for switch-phobic dominants, that's a challenging proposition (I definitely have my own thoughts on why, which I won't share here).

... I'm very assertive in my needs and desires. But, when I find someone to whom I would submit, I freaking submit.