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How to recognize a true Dom - 8/17/2013 10:56:03 PM

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So I'm very very new to this lifestyle and don't really know protocols outside of what I've read. I want to find a real Dom and not just someone who gets off on hurting women or getting laid. I know I dint want to be a slave or be 24/7 but I want to explore this desire I have... any advice on weeding out the fakes... is there a kind of guidelines most true masters take or is it more play by ear?

RE: How to recognize a true Dom - 8/17/2013 11:06:18 PM

AthenaSurrenders

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There are no guidelines because there's no such thing as a 'true' master. Everyone needs different things in their relationships. What you might consider 'fake', or stupid, weird or lame, someone else might think is just perfect and peachy.

It's kind of like asking 'What should a real husband/wife be like?' I bet every marriage in your social circle works differently. You couldn't just switch the people around and have things work out. Same with BDSM and D/s.

So your first thing is find out what your definition of Master is. Does he need to make every single decision? Does he need to punish? Does he need to do kinky things every single night? Does he need to give you a long leash? Does he need to protect and coddle you like a beloved pet or to make you face up to the challenges of the world? There's no wrong or right, just what works for you.

Your second thing is look for someone who broadly fits that definition and who isn't an ass. That's the most important part. If he's a decent guy and you care about each other, you will iron out the creases. If not... well, you're doomed whether or not he's a truly true dom.

How to weed out the ones that are wrong for you? The old fashioned way - dating. Use the same common sense and the same caution you always did. Pushing for sex on the first date when you made it clear you don't want that? Get rid. Not interested in you as a person, rude to the waiter, boring, poor hygiene - filter people out just as you would before, with the extra criteria of 'must fit my definition of dominant'. As a general rule someone with no patience for getting to know each other and finding a good fit is probably clueless or just looking for a quick shag.

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RE: How to recognize a true Dom - 8/17/2013 11:42:07 PM

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If you are really worried about the just wanting sex aspect of things, then you really should go into a d/s relationship without sex involved, problem solved.

After all, submission doesn't have to be sexual.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

RE: How to recognize a true Dom - 8/18/2013 4:10:21 AM

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The flowing red cape and signature "S" straddling a set of bulging pectorals are a dead giveaway.
If you can't find anyone fitting that description, refer to Athena's post.

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RE: How to recognize a true Dom - 8/18/2013 5:04:20 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Poeticqueen
How to recognize a true Dom

<--- Looks just like this to the left. ahem

Focus.

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(in reply to Poeticqueen)

RE: How to recognize a true Dom - 8/18/2013 5:15:34 AM

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You're using the wrong selection criteria. You're thinking that there's one set of rules, and you want someone who meets all those. Instead, there's someone who's right FOR YOU - YOU set the criteria. And not all the compatibility involves kink stuff. So, let me ask you the kink questions that matter:

Why is it you want to be a submissive? Is it the loss of control? The deeper trust involved with being able to yield fully? Do you like the idea of being dominated in the bedroom, out of the bedroom, or both? Tired of men that are too passive? Do you get a sense of security from being a little girl for a Daddy Dom? Or just like the idea of being spanked and tied up?

Once you know what kind of sub you are, that'll help in determining what kind of Dom you want, in differentiating those Doms from other legit (but incompatible) Doms as well as the "Get down on your knees and suck my cock NOW" morons.

Oh, yeah. Since this is your first post, welcome to collarme.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Focus50)

RE: How to recognize a true Dom - 8/18/2013 8:34:48 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

quote:

ORIGINAL: Poeticqueen
How to recognize a true Dom

<--- Looks just like this to the left. ahem

Thanks for that :)

You did bring up another point too. True Doms can be recognized by their humility :)

OP. As others have said, there is no such thing as a generic "true dom". Carol finds me someone worthy of following and obeying. I'm "true" for Carol. If, however, you meant someone in black leather slacks skilled at things like sadism and bondage when you say "dominant" then I'd be a fake because I don't do any of that.

< Message edited by JeffBC -- 8/18/2013 8:35:09 AM >

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(in reply to Focus50)

RE: How to recognize a true Dom - 8/18/2013 8:44:24 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

quote:

ORIGINAL: Poeticqueen
How to recognize a true Dom

<--- Looks just like this to the left. ahem

Thanks for that :)

You did bring up another point too. True Doms can be recognized by their humility :)

OP. As others have said, there is no such thing as a generic "true dom". Carol finds me someone worthy of following and obeying. I'm "true" for Carol. If, however, you meant someone in black leather slacks skilled at things like sadism and bondage when you say "dominant" then I'd be a fake because I don't do any of that.

I don't know... But rumour has it that you must first check what is between the legs to find a true Dom...... But I will let the Tinman speak on the subject...has he is definitely the authority on the subject.

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to JeffBC)

RE: How to recognize a true Dom - 8/18/2013 9:01:38 AM

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"True Doms can be recognized by their humility"

I LOVE that....
It is sooooo true...
I have encountered far too many who call themselve Dominates but have NO clue of any of the responsibilities, and are in fact just bullies...

(in reply to KnightofMists)

RE: How to recognize a true Dom - 8/18/2013 9:31:04 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arianaslave
"True Doms can be recognized by their humility"

I LOVE that....
It is sooooo true...
I have encountered far too many who call themselve Dominates but have NO clue of any of the responsibilities, and are in fact just bullies...

Yeah, I hadn't even thought of it in the serious sense. I was mostly poking some fun at Focus who was, in turn, poking some fun at the whole concept of "generic true dom".

In real life, however, many dominant personalities are anything but humble. If you prefer a humble dominant who grooves more on responsibility than authority that is a style question (heh, a meaningful one in my opinion). It's perfectly possible to be an asshat and dominant at the same time.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Arianaslave)

RE: How to recognize a true Dom - 8/18/2013 9:48:43 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Poeticqueen
is there a kind of guidelines most true masters take or is it more play by ear?

Well, you should probably start by losing the word "True". What I consider a "true" Master may not be what you consider a "true" Master. But, that doesn't mean that one of us is wrong.

Just get to know the person (face to face) and you'll figure out if this is someone that you're comfortable ceding power to.

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Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Poeticqueen)

RE: How to recognize a true Dom - 8/18/2013 9:52:24 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: Poeticqueen
is there a kind of guidelines most true masters take or is it more play by ear?

Well, you should probably start by losing the word "True". What I consider a "true" Master may not be what you consider a "true" Master. But, that doesn't mean that one of us is wrong.

Also because in some circles, "True Dom" and "True Master" are terms of derision, from their history of misuse by the worst kinds of fakes and flakes.

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Gonna pack in my hand, pick up on a piece of land and build myself a cabin in the woods.
It's there I'm gonna stay, until there comes a day when this old world starts a-changing for the good.
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(in reply to OsideGirl)

RE: How to recognize a true Dom - 8/18/2013 8:47:49 PM

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True.

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RE: How to recognize a true Dom - 8/18/2013 10:16:26 PM

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In real life, however, many dominant personalities are anything but humble.

And you would know that... how?.

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(in reply to JeffBC)

RE: How to recognize a true Dom - 8/18/2013 10:55:05 PM

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Instead of worrying who is a true dom, how about looking for someone who truly matches up with you in chemistry on all levels first?

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

RE: How to recognize a true Dom - 8/18/2013 11:16:20 PM

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You have to spot the super secret domly dom decoder ring and beer opener.

(in reply to sexyred1)

RE: How to recognize a true Dom - 8/19/2013 3:07:19 AM

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if a dom cannot show you their diploma from Dom U then you know they are not a true Dom.
Don't bother with the flakes they are just fakes...
demand to see their diploma from Dom U....
the diploma that comes in multiple color choices to match the color of their virtual dungeon

(in reply to MercTech)

RE: How to recognize a true Dom - 8/19/2013 10:10:06 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

In real life, however, many dominant personalities are anything but humble.

And you would know that... how?.

Casual observation over near 50 years? I'm kind of baffled how that can even be a question. Turn on the news and watch some CEO's or senators talk then get back to me.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

RE: How to recognize a true Dom - 8/19/2013 1:49:01 PM

Kana

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Well obviously a Twue Dom will have Master's degree.

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(in reply to JeffBC)

RE: How to recognize a true Dom - 8/19/2013 2:29:39 PM

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lol--- I LIKE that.

and my first dominant was so not humble. He knew his worth and enjoyed it....
but he definitely wasn't an asshat.

(in reply to Kana)

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