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Making open relationships work - 8/18/2013 4:08:45 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		I'm in a femdom dynamic. I don't consider my relationship poly as my partner doesn't want other partners.

A few other threads have touched on how open relationships work without cheating. I'll try to keep it brief. My relationship is 12 years long. Here are a few things that have kept ours going.

Some background - we're fluid monogamous. I don't fuck other men or allow them go to down on me. I also don't kiss (more on that later). Bondage, S&M, humiliation, f/fem, masturbation, some nudity, strapon, dildos, pretty much anything else is ok. He's MOST comfortable with anything online or phone. He prefers to meet my partners first. We talk about everything in detail.

What makes it work?

1. He knew what kind of "beast" I was because he was "prey" when I met him
He knew I was insatiable. He knew I can't just settle on one kind of "feast." I was bouncing around from guy to guy and he was one of many, but I don't sleep around. I do a LOT of S&M by nature but I don't have sex with a lot of guys, I just like to TIE UP a lot of guys - but I like them clothed. I do not run around giving blow jobs, fucking, or having male tongues in my ass or pussy. I have very clean S&M with a lot of men but only am INTIMATE with one man, that's how I have always been.

2. I told him before we got married I am never going to be a "one sub" femdom. I made it CRYSTAL clear.

3. We communicate openly and honestly about everything even when it hurts.

4. I never pull the "femdom card" when he wants to push back on matters of the heart. I never say "I'm the femdom, so fuck your feelings." When it comes to emotions and matters of the longterm health of our relationships, I choose to compromise rather than listen to my beast and stomp my feet.

5. We have to compromise. A lot.

6. Things move a LOT slower than I prefer. I used to move very fast in my world because everything was based on lust and the thrill of the chase. "Hey I met this guy it's really clicking," isn't how it goes any more.

7. His preference is I have ONE outside partner and stick with it rather than a harem. Or a new fling every three months. I get bored quickly and always want a new thing. We butt heads on this a lot. He also would prefer I just watch a lot of porn or play with "other men" online. It's like Interview with a Vampire. "We can live off the blood of rats?" "I wouldn't call it living. I'd call it surviving." I need flesh.


Why isn't one partner - a loving, devoted partner, and a very good secondary partner enough? Most of the time it is. But I just crave newness, being surprised, and I enjoy predatory lust to some degree. Not as much as I used to. But I do, it's just what I like to do. I have a great playfriend in another country (who I met on CM) who is also now good friends with my husband so the comfort level is good all around.

8. No kissing
The biggest divide that we constantly re-evaluate and one day perhaps can come to terms on. I would like to be allowed to; he considers it too intimate. I believe there are two types of kissing - loving, intimate kissing, and dominant kissing. He does not see it the same way.

9. Constantly re-evaluate and check in on feelings as people grow and change.
Just because your partner was ok with the status quo a year ago doesn't mean they are ok with it now. Always make sure it's ok.

10. Most important. Keep the sex life on the ranch blazing hot. Never, ever, EVER let the sex life at home take a dip. Or the emotional attention. If you do, even a tiny bit, you are fucking your marriage over. If you find yourself adrift, check yourself and end your side squeeze at once, because it's not worth it.

Akasha



< Message edited by AAkasha -- 8/18/2013 4:11:09 PM >

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RE: Making open relationships work - 8/18/2013 5:20:16 PM   
TieMeInKnottss


Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline 		Well..."don't ask, don't tell' just gets me in trouble so maybe I should give your way a shot....

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RE: Making open relationships work - 8/18/2013 5:42:51 PM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline 		All I used to do is state at the start, something along the lines of... "Before this goes any further, I'm seeing other people at the moment, is that cool with you?"
- I'm amazed at how little initial questioning that receives... But most I've said that to just seem to take it in their stride.
- As time goes on, in some cases it becomes apparent some people can't deal with that situation too long and after awhile they start issuing monogamous demands.
- The ones that can do that situation tend to evolve into 'friends with benefits' but I use the term loosely as over time I've found when the benefits dry up so does the friendship.

To conclude some people can do it, some people can't... An open relationship is out in the open, cheating is behind the scenes... One is a product of openness and honesty, the other is built on lies and deceit.

< Message edited by ARIES83 -- 8/18/2013 5:58:29 PM >

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RE: Making open relationships work - 8/18/2013 5:50:33 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I would like to say that number 4 is essential for monogamous power relationships also.
If your partner is unheard, ignored, silenced, invalidated then don't expect them to love and adore you for very long.

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RE: Making open relationships work - 8/18/2013 6:01:02 PM   
getoutnow


Posts: 151
Joined: 8/5/2013
Status: offline 		So in other words what the op is saying. She has a partner who doesn't fulfill her completely and therefore has to cheat on him. Him being submissive and just grateful that he has a mistress allows this.

I wouldn't say this is a recipe for making open relationships work. Sounds to me like a crappy relationship at best by 2 people who just generally suck.

But hey, whatever works for you right?

Just don't expect putting another TL;DR post and expect everyone to agree.

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RE: Making open relationships work - 8/18/2013 7:20:02 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		This one's not bad. It's your relationship, of course, so you get to define it as you see fit, but I'd still term it as poly. The fact that your husband doesn't have more than one relationship, doesn't change the fact that he's in a relationship with somebody who has multiple relationships.

Still a no go on the kissing, huh? I remember you writing on that a few years ago. I understand your preference for it as you've mentioned it on other threads. I suppose the only question that I would have would be do you ever see him budging on that one? I seem to recall you stating he is rather adamant about his position. Do you foresee it changing?


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RE: Making open relationships work - 8/18/2013 7:23:48 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Personally what you do wouldn't work for me but to each their own. I just have a hard time seeing what you both do as working for a long time. Eventually I think one of you is going to go a little too far for the other and it will end up in chaos. You two just seem to have radically different ideas and views about relationships.

But I wish you the best of luck.

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RE: Making open relationships work - 8/18/2013 7:48:55 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

This one's not bad. It's your relationship, of course, so you get to define it as you see fit, but I'd still term it as poly. The fact that your husband doesn't have more than one relationship, doesn't change the fact that he's in a relationship with somebody who has multiple relationships.

Still a no go on the kissing, huh? I remember you writing on that a few years ago. I understand your preference for it as you've mentioned it on other threads. I suppose the only question that I would have would be do you ever see him budging on that one? I seem to recall you stating he is rather adamant about his position. Do you foresee it changing?



I don't see him ever changing his mind unfortunately. A few days ago after we were intimate he said something like "You weren't kissing me, you were just doing...(I can't remember the words) to my mouth" and I said "see! you don't even call that kissing. When I dominate, kissing is NOT intimate..it's an act of...taking. It's topping. It's not even sensual. It's just...cruel." And we had the discussion/negotiation again. And we still came back to -- no.

The worry is that it is a slippery slope, and I get it. Once mouths are together, you can't predict that cruelty can just start shifting.

It is a sacrifice I am willing to give up.

And sure there have been moments I have had a guy tied up and my "bad devil on the shoulder" (like in the cartoons) goes "go ahead and kiss that guy your husband will never know." I could never do that. I would know.

I had my favorite hockey player lust object by some twist of fate tied up in a hotel room (granted he had just spent an hour throwing up in the toilet and was certifiably gross but I could have made him brush his teeth) and I did not kiss him. That's how much I abide by the rule. Rules are rules. Once I break one, the entire thing falls.

Akasha

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RE: Making open relationships work - 8/18/2013 8:03:52 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Thank you for answering My question so promptly. I can really understand the slippery slope thing. One of our agreements, and I openly admit messing this one up from time to time, is that the other half wants to know in advance if there is going to be sex. Not meaning the first time. I mean once a person is a sexual partner to let MP know that a scene is going to be more than just play.

Probably strange, I know, but once it's going good, I don't always say hang on a sec so I can let the other half know.


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The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: Making open relationships work - 8/18/2013 9:15:44 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Some background - we're fluid monogamous. I don't fuck other men or allow them go to down on me. I also don't kiss (more on that later). Bondage, S&M, humiliation, f/fem, masturbation, some nudity, strapon, dildos, pretty much anything else is ok. He's MOST comfortable with anything online or phone. He prefers to meet my partners first. We talk about everything in detail.



Interesting. I'm in a very similar relationship with my sub, but we consider it a variant of mono. No sex with others, but spanking, bondage, nipple play is fine.

Both of us play with others. We have an informal rule that all play is to either be at the house with the other present (and almost always in the scene) or at a play party with the other at the party. I am simply too concerned that, without the other close by, even something innocent could be misinterpreted and cause problems.

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RE: Making open relationships work - 8/18/2013 9:58:19 PM   
Aibo


Posts: 110
Joined: 1/28/2006
Status: offline 		I also tend for the open relationship, and some might be amazed that I am monogamous at the same time.
Might sound like a contradiction, yet DarkSteven made a great summary above.

So to me, and my special it means that we might 'play' with others, and a large amount of trust that there be no activity that could cause any conflict not to mention cause on any infection.

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RE: Making open relationships work - 8/18/2013 10:22:20 PM   
TNDommeK


Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: getoutnow

So in other words what the op is saying. She has a partner who doesn't fulfill her completely and therefore has to cheat on him. Him being submissive and just grateful that he has a mistress allows this.

I wouldn't say this is a recipe for making open relationships work. Sounds to me like a crappy relationship at best by 2 people who just generally suck.

But hey, whatever works for you right?

Just don't expect putting another TL;DR post and expect everyone to agree.


Ya know, I was just on a different forum dealing with this type of stupidity.

I see you are relatively new to the forums. You should lurk and find out about things before you comment on things you don't know about.

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RE: Making open relationships work - 8/18/2013 11:52:54 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline 		I think even within "open relationships", there are different interpretations. But I wouldn't consider it an open relationship if I cannot get sexually involved with another man, with the full kissing and penetration bit of things.
It's like..., that's just half open. But of course, alot of my bdsm kinks are sexually based. I can't do just bdsm with no sex involved.


< Message edited by Greta75 -- 8/18/2013 11:53:37 PM >

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RE: Making open relationships work - 8/19/2013 4:47:00 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		I don't consider what you have described as an open relationship. My definition of an open relationship is one where those involved are free to have sex with others, with agreed upon restrictions.

Your situation sounds more like some form of poly to me.

Unfortunately your husband does not seem to be wired for poly. And expecting your spouse to change in such a major way is an exercise in futility in my opinion.

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RE: Making open relationships work - 8/19/2013 6:40:32 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: getoutnow

So in other words what the op is saying. She has a partner who doesn't fulfill her completely and therefore has to cheat on him. Him being submissive and just grateful that he has a mistress allows this.

I wouldn't say this is a recipe for making open relationships work. Sounds to me like a crappy relationship at best by 2 people who just generally suck.

But hey, whatever works for you right?

Just don't expect putting another TL;DR post and expect everyone to agree.


Getoutnow,
I think you missed the point of her post. She wasn't trying to give a formula for everyone else's relationships. She was sharing intimate details about her own. She never asked us to agree with her.

I also disagree with your assessment of her relationship. She doesn't sound like a "cheater" (in fact, it sounds like she goes out of her way to NOT cheat), nor does their relationship sound "crappy". Their arrangement may not work for you, but based on the longevity of the relationship, it sounds like it works for both of them.

Frankly, your response seemed unnecessarily rude. I see nothing in the OP that merits that response.

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RE: Making open relationships work - 8/19/2013 6:47:01 AM   
TNDommeK


Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		Seems getoutnow is making friends everywhere on the boards anyway.

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Our snark-nado needs more cowbell


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RE: Making open relationships work - 8/19/2013 7:34:41 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline 		AAkasha,
Nice post. There are parts of it that I can relate to, and parts that I see a little differently than you do.

I've shared my personal situation quite a few times in the past, so I won't go into detail again here. Suffice it to say that I am somewhat similar to your partner. I am a male sub who is fundamentally monogamous. However, I have served several Dommes who preferred to have outside lovers in addition to our primary relationship. Thus, I defined my relationships as cuckold relationships because only my Dommes had outside lovers. Despite their sexual freedom, I was required to remain faithful and exclusively devoted to them. But frankly, I wouldn't have taken any outside lovers even if I were allowed (like I said, I'm basically monogamous).

Unlike the two of you, I always defined our relationships as "poly". There were more than two people in the relationship, so it seemed poly to me.

I didn't define my relationships as "open relationships". That term has a different meaning in my mind. To me, "open relationship" implies that BOTH partners are free to have as many outside lovers as they want. Others may disagree with my definition, but to me, "open relationships" are different from "poly relationships".

I do agree with you that good communications and clearly defined parameters are necessary in order to make any poly (or open) relationship work.

I completely understand your partner's stand on kissing. Kissing can be VERY intimate. I've even heard prostitutes say that they will have intercourse with a customer, but they won't kiss them because kissing is too intimate.

My rule has always been that classic romantic activities are off limits for my partners. For example, intercourse (protected, of course) or BDSM play is fine, but going for long walks holding hands is not okay. Talking on the telephone for hours (particularly late at night) is not okay. Intimate kissing is not okay. I would get far more jealous of those activities than I would about intercourse. In fact, if my partner had done those activities, I would have considered it to be "cheating". To me, those things are very intimate, whereas sex can be "just sex". It can be purely physical, primal, and emotionless. I know that may sound crazy to some, but it worked for us.

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RE: Making open relationships work - 8/19/2013 7:40:26 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TNDommeK

Seems getoutnow is making friends everywhere on the boards anyway.



I don't think I've read any of his comments in other threads, so I'm not familiar with him. But now that you've said that, I'm going to have to look him up and see what you're referring to.

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RE: Making open relationships work - 8/19/2013 2:41:55 PM   
TNDommeK


Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		Conveniently the profile sent found. Wonder if its a sock account for our recently modded posters.

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RE: Making open relationships work - 8/19/2013 3:17:38 PM   
WarMachine904


Posts: 123
Joined: 8/2/2013
From: Jacksonville, FL area
Status: offline 		What I took from the OP, is that although to me it seems that their desires are in direct conflict...the important thing is that they COMMUNICATE, RESPECT each other's boundaries, and CARE ENOUGH about each other to keep working on it TOGETHER.

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