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Mono vs poly? - 8/22/2013 5:46:58 PM

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Beyond the "it is the master's right..." Are you (or when you were looking) interested in only monogamous relationships or were you ok with someone who expresses a desire to be in a poly dynamic? I am talking about "serious" relationships not just dating more than one person or being "open"

I have always been adamant that I am strictly interested in one on one.. I don't share well and I have some very firm convictions on human nature. It is not my cup of tea; however, it seems to be something for which many dominants express a desire..

Sorry...I have been questioning whether I can stay in this lifestyle..Yes, I know it is all about finding the "right" match but sometimes it just seems that some things I am unwilling to compromise on are the exact things that the majority of others are also unwilling to compromise on but from the other end...

RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/22/2013 5:49:09 PM

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I'm completely monogamous. While it might be a nice fantasy, from time to time, not sure I can, or even really want to, juggle multiple relationships like that.

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/22/2013 6:10:15 PM

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I've always been monogamous, only ever sought out monogamous. I am not cut out whatsoever for poly. Now that's not to say we might not play with someone from time to time if the opportunity presented itself but neither of us considers that poly. It's just fucking around.

I tried poly once and it turned out disastrous. I never had any interest in poly and only did it because the ex Dom forced it on me and I just did what he told me until it finally just blew up and destroyed us. I know who I am and I know where my limits fall.

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/22/2013 6:10:22 PM

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Mono only here too. I would never go along with a poly relationship except in a situation that was very limited in scope and depth and significance. It seems to me from the conversations I've had and the messages I get that more men are mono than poly, but the poly ones are more vocal and banner-waving about it. My cynical side thinks the poly desire is pretty funny; how many men can satisfy and create a successful relationship with ONE woman, let alone multiple women?! Their eyes are bigger than their metaphoric stomachs.

More interesting to me was your comment that you are wondering if you can continue in the lifestyle. Since you are submissive, can you be happy in a vanilla, equal power relationship? I've personally found that complete relationship and sexual celibacy is vastly better for me than vanilla. If I can't find a lifestyle relationship, I'll choose none at all.

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/22/2013 6:24:27 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss

Sorry...I have been questioning whether I can stay in this lifestyle..Yes, I know it is all about finding the "right" match but sometimes it just seems that some things I am unwilling to compromise on are the exact things that the majority of others are also unwilling to compromise on but from the other end...

I am obviously poly... But I entered the relationship with Alandra expecting it to be monogamist. Never thought of of it any other way. It was Alandra that planted the seed for poly. It was a long time coming before I was ready for that plunge. If Alandra never planted the seed, I am sure we never of developed the poly dynamic we have. It just wasn't something I would of even considered.

Having said that. We are the exception to the rule. It seems to me that it is very rare that females seek to bring a poly dynamic to the relationship and if they do it usually another male. Unfortunately, I think there is a lot of males that seek to have poly and will never be capable of it. Worst still is some females tolerate poly for their relationship.

TieMe... Stick to your guns... Monogamy is what you want and need stick with it! Don't for a moment settle for less. Secondly, being monogamist is not a reason for questioning your place in this lifestyle. There is a lot more monogamy than people realize. It's out there for you don't give up hope!

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/22/2013 6:35:06 PM

searching4mysir

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I am monogamous through and through. Poly is a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't even entertain a relationship with a guy who was willing to "give up poly" for me for the same reason I wouldn't entertain a relationship where my hard limits were things he loved. It wouldn't be fair to either of us. He would end up resenting me.

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/22/2013 7:37:49 PM

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Monogamous. It's not something I could compromise on. If he needed poly, then we wouldn't be a good fit.

I need to be in a committed monogamous relationship in order to feel sexually attracted. If he now decided he wanted to change the rules, I wouldn't be excited to have sex with him again. He couldn't do it to get a threesome because I'm not bi and I would not handle well being forced to have sex with someone who repelled me.

But it doesn't matter if you aren't a good match with 99 out of a hundred guys, you're just looking for the one you are compatible with.

And I don't think leaving the lifestyle would give you much better odds. You're probably not compatible with 99 out of a hundred vanilla guys also.

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/22/2013 7:56:25 PM

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I was poly before I was kinky. Then I was egalitarian poly and kinky before I was a Dom. Now that I'm a Dom, I don't really have a problem with my submissive having another relationship, but working it into our power structure is a lot more difficult than me taking another sub, since their relationship would have to be submissive to my will. I might be willing to take a male slave to pleasure her though.

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/22/2013 10:23:24 PM

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For me, poly - or at least open - is a must. Especially if it's a man; not ever getting to sleep with women again would be a deal-breaker for me. D/s does complicate the poly thing, though.

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/22/2013 10:38:46 PM

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I hope you aren't thinking of dumping the lifestyle based on the assumption that most doms want a poly relationship. While poly is not particularly scarce, Most of the scene people I know tend to be monogamous, and while I can't claim that represents everyone obviously, I think you will find that many doms want to be monogamous themselves, or might be poly but also are willing to be monogamous for a special person. Hopefully you haven't run into the 'doms' that see being dominant as being a three balled tomcat among a bunch of female cats in heat, I have seen a lot of doofus who see being a dom as 'le droit du seigneur' , an excuse to have sex with as many women as possible, and I hope you haven't run into them.

I have a lot of respect for poly people, but these clowns aren't that, they are quite frankly jerks who think poly means having a woman in a relationship that allows them to screw anyone they want cause they are 'the master' or some such *gag*. I have seen them up close and personal, had some of them tell me things like since I was trans, I should be their sub and then they could have my wife, I have seen them tell potential subs that of course the master has the right to have sex with who he wants, and that is horseshit, that is only true if the sub agrees to that in the terms of the relationship (reminds me of some stupid twit who runs this website about female led relationships, basically telling men who want to enter it that of course the wife will want to cuckold you, it is her right.....*ick*).

If you have doms telling you that subs have to accept that their D will be poly, they probably aren't very desirable and I would heartily encourage you to laugh at them, a good dom might tell you they are poly and that they require that of any subs, which is fair and honest, but that is different from saying that any dom has the right to be poly cause he is in charge:). Keep looking, you might have to wade through a see of rejects and wannabes and wankers, but there are good ones out there who would be happy to be monogamous with their sub, I promise:)

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/22/2013 11:35:38 PM

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Completely monogamous here as well. It's just who I am and what I need. I couldn't even be with someone who wanted polygamy or generally engaged in it but "settled" for monogamy in our relationship. I need exclusivity from both sides--both in desire and in practice. Hell, I can't even entertain the thought of either of us having casual relations/sex with others. It's just not in my nature. I am very happy that my Master and I are very much on the same page on this.

I don't think that monogamy is really as uncommon as it may seem. Please don't give up on finding the relationship you want/need. Better to hold out for what feels right than to settle for "tolerable."

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/23/2013 2:25:48 AM

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Most of you are hitting exactly what I feel...I do feel like since I changed my designation to "slave" that I have hit (as Lauren so appropriately called it "three balled tomcat") upon a world where there is this ultimate desire to never close the door on getting to fuck other women...while locking up or "owning" the slave from doing the same with other men (they generously offer to "share" me with other women if I would be bi...which I am not and don't see happening after 40 yrs of being on just one team)

My thoughts of giving up on the concept of being in this lifestyle come from the fact that, for me, there are very few deal breakers in relationships.. But one definite is monogamy.. I can change much about myself, I can even be ok with changes but this is not one I could do and, frankly, I have never had a vanilla guy tell me he needs me to know that I will not be his only one BUT I must understand that I do not have the same option. Granted, I do believe that having awakened and accepted my submissive nature, I would not be able to tolerate a vanilla relationship again but, like SpiritedSub selecting "d" "none of the above" would be preferable

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/23/2013 2:48:20 AM

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One TINY, TINY rant... I am sure there are many men who can sustain two relationships...offer equal support, emotional balance, never play favorites..but HONESTLY???? Most men, vanilla or kinky, seem to have a hard enough time translating and understanding ONE woman enough to have ONE successful relationship...let alone the time management skills for juggling a full-time career, kids, and "quality time" for 2 or more women!!!

And I don't want to just bash men..my typical experience with women is that most expect to be #1 with the man they are involved with and, just basic terms of survival, dictate that you must fend off any threats.. When resources are plentiful and there are no threats it is very easy to "share" but, if for some reason, a choice has to be made we expect that WE will be the one our man will stand with.. I have seen many stories here about poly couples who either make it very clear from the beginning that wife/GF 1 was here first and don't try to emotionally separate them as a couple or that the 2nd woman comes in and starts insinuating her way into the man's good graces then forces a choice to be made or that, just by temperament, 2 members of the tricycle desire to be a bicycle because they are just more compatiable

Although..maybe it is just the emotions involved...I would have GLADLY shared my ex-husband with another woman.. Heck, I may have been able to tolerate remaining married to him...

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/23/2013 4:17:36 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss
I have always been adamant that I am strictly interested in one on one.. I don't share well and I have some very firm convictions on human nature. It is not my cup of tea; however, it seems to be something for which many dominants express a desire..

As near as I can tell accumulating slaves is how "dominants" count coup. For all intents and purposes I'm monogamous and have no desire to seek out anything else. In my opinion you shouldn't be willing to compromise on this particular point.. not because I think it's so sacrosanct that it's immune from compromise. Rather, I think most doms wanting multiple subs can't handle one girl much less two.

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/23/2013 5:00:24 AM

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This:

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

As near as I can tell accumulating slaves is how "dominants" count coup. For all intents and purposes I'm monogamous and have no desire to seek out anything else. In my opinion you shouldn't be willing to compromise on this particular point.. not because I think it's so sacrosanct that it's immune from compromise. Rather, I think most doms wanting multiple subs can't handle one girl much less two.

Please just toss out the 'it's the master's right' bullcrap. It's only his/her right if they are in a relationship with people who accept that, and if he/she is entirely honest and transparent about it. Forcing this issue at any point is manipulative in a way that means you should get out fast.

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/23/2013 5:18:06 AM

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I would be open to a poly relationship, however, like any relationship it must be something everyone is willing to work at. My partner and I work very hard to keep our relationship happy and healthy. We were actually discussing the whole poly thing last night, and although we both like to entertain the idea, we both know the pitfalls, and it would take some time before we actually started seeking another person and even longer to find the 'right' person.

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/23/2013 6:35:49 AM

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Until recently poly was on my hard limits. I tried one and the feelings it evoked were terrible to deal with - I wasn't emotionally prepared for them and it was a bad fit.

And then of course, I meet this lovely lady... Started out thinking, wow amazing person, we'll be great friends. But the more we were together the more it seemed right we should be more than friends, and I can see how the whole dynamic fits.

I still don't know if I can split myself emotionally to be polyamorous with others (or even if I will ever want to), and the future is a bit scary, but she is worth the risk and the effort. So for the time being I am mono within a poly relationship, and it is the happiest I have been in a long time

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/23/2013 6:41:17 AM

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In all fairness, I feel that women can sometimes be just as clueless when it comes to relationships and the opposite sex, believing men are simple and only need sex, food, and sleep to stay happy.

I'm monogamous. I prefer to spend all my attention on one person and to be that persons one and only. I couldn't handle being in second place or even tied for first. It's just not in my personality to accept anything less.

If I were to suddenly find myself single, I believe I would be happy to be a third wheel to a dominant couple. Just for fun, no strings attached. But, if I wanted something serious and long term, it would have to be a monogamous relationship.

You deserve the relationship you desire. Don't give up. It's there.

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/23/2013 7:39:10 AM

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quote:

Beyond the "it is the master's right..."

Are you hearing this from Desktop Diminints or people who have credibility?

Hold out for the relationship you want! As you can see, plenty of people are mono.

I can go and have gone both ways, and right now am happily monogamous - at his insistence. He is not in the least interested in capitalizing on the fact that I have been bisexual since I was a teenager. He is satisfying my needs for emotional intimacy and variety, and I have no urge to look elsewhere.

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RE: Mono vs poly? - 8/23/2013 8:00:03 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss
Most men, vanilla or kinky, seem to have a hard enough time translating and understanding ONE woman enough to have ONE successful relationship.

Doubtless you are right about that, but where slavery is concerned, masters are concerned and neither states of being represent most men or women on even the best day. Lack of mettle and understanding is found well among males and females...no male bashing or writing women off as needy, competitive enigmas "struggling for resources" is necessary.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

Please just toss out the 'it's the master's right' bullcrap.

Your statement requires some caveats, the one most key depending upon whether we're discussing The Real McCoy, dominant men at large, or prurient ass slapping players. "It's the master's right" is not a line, so long as it's not used as a line. It is, in fact, well within a master's rights to have more than one slave, if slaves are what we're really speaking of here (and usually that's not quite the case in discussions on public BDSM message boards). If he chooses to be monogamous, more power to him, but it is his decision, and one by which the slave, logically, must abide.

Ladies: does all that unchecked power in a man not sound right to you? Avoid being an outright slave to him, then, I'd say. The onus upon us all is to be honest about ourselves first and with others second where matters such as these or their limitations are concerned. If you are misapplying the term to yourself or your own personal vision, therein lies the first misstep. You can shrug all this off and speak of not wanting to "fit into labels" all you want, but once you have used an old, well-worn word to describe yourself or your desired reality, be prepared for its literal implications and repercussions.

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