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RE: Moving, money and mortgage - 8/27/2013 12:49:07 PM

kalikshama

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Since you two are not married, and you are neither contributing to the mortgage nor on the deed, I think it's a good situation for both of you. I would also be uncomfortable in that situation, but would keep reminding myself of that.

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RE: Moving, money and mortgage - 8/27/2013 12:51:41 PM

mnottertail

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

Heh glad you enjoyed.

I rent, and make a good income. Lost my house and nest egg in divorce and have been rebuilding. But I'm quite comfy making ends meet.

He owns, and does fine, too. There's not a financial crutch or need or dependence in either direction. Together we will be very comfy. The idea is he will buy the house and I will save, contribute to some utilities and extras, and have some fun money.

And shoes. I told him I'll probably buy more shoes lol.

Then put aside a savings plan for a blow the fuck out of the water vacation every other year, with a mini inbetween years..... and it will make him feel like a stud to be the owner caretaker. And buy good longlasting furniture and household goods, have a rummage with what you guys do not keep the best of.

It will be a good service to all.

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RE: Moving, money and mortgage - 8/27/2013 12:51:43 PM

searching4mysir

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FR

If he already owns, there might be capital gains tax implications if he doesn't purchase again within a certain period of time so it makes sense for him to purchase.

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RE: Moving, money and mortgage - 8/27/2013 12:54:06 PM

NuevaVida

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Yes, it certainly keeps things clean should things not wind up as we hope.

It was mostly just surprising to have had the emotions that came up, and have to process them. It's been enlightening and I've works through some old demons along the way, which is GOOD!

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RE: Moving, money and mortgage - 8/27/2013 12:59:28 PM

NuevaVida

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Ron that's exactly one of the things we were concluding, and it's awesome. I just had to digest the idea since its soooo foreign to anything I've experienced before.

Then again I haven't experienced anyone like him before. :)

Searching, the idea was always to buy. We discussed buying together or just him buying. It really works out better this way, just felt weird at first. I don't like not being in control haha, and there were some pride and fear issues that came up. It's all good though, gave me the opportunity to face them.

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RE: Moving, money and mortgage - 8/27/2013 1:09:09 PM

kiwisub12

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I understand your concerns, though mine are a bit different.
I will be moving in with my sweetie, to his house, and selling mine.
We are planning on getting married in a decade or so, so it makes sense for me to sell my house, rather than rent it. My problem is that I feel insecure with the idea that I won't have anywhere to go if I leave (not that i'm planning to but....) He wants me to put the money from the sale of my house into a ?ROTH IRA so I don't pay taxes on the money, but if I need to buy another house, it is available.

I moved in with my first dom, but my daughter stayed in my house, so I was still making the mortgage payment and all utilities, so contributed little financially. I always had a bolt hole if I needed it.
Now, I won't, and it is an uncomfortable feeling.

I figure I will pay the utilities since he will be making the housepayment,, and it will be cheaper for the two of us to live together, so I shall be able to save a ton of money, but there is this little niggling doubt about the loss of independence.
*sigh* there is always something.........

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RE: Moving, money and mortgage - 8/27/2013 1:10:23 PM

mnottertail

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But if there were not strong emotions attached to this, you could have made yourself ice tea and curled up with your kitty for the rest of your life.

Big chemistry, it is good, n'est ce pas?

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RE: Moving, money and mortgage - 8/27/2013 1:17:35 PM

NuevaVida

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kiwi, yes that loss of independence is a strange feeling! I have supported myself since I became an adult, even when married. I've lived alone for 8 years. It's been a strange mix of feelings for sure. Thank you for sharing.

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RE: Moving, money and mortgage - 8/27/2013 1:19:33 PM

NuevaVida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

But if there were not strong emotions attached to this, you could have made yourself ice tea and curled up with your kitty for the rest of your life.

Big chemistry, it is good, n'est ce pas?

I haven't said this to you in awhile but you fucking rock.

And yes, it is very good. :)

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RE: Moving, money and mortgage - 8/27/2013 1:26:05 PM

mnottertail

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Thank you, I know.

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RE: Moving, money and mortgage - 8/27/2013 3:28:25 PM

areallivehuman

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

Thanks, arealivehuman. We've discussed and worked out that option, as well, regarding what I can contribute to, and I will also be saving to rebuild my nest egg.

It's interesting that your girl had similar concerns. Is she now feeling like the house is her home? Or does she feel like a guest in it?

I would be willing to bet she would say she's quite comfortable. To make it even more challenging , let me add that my mother lives with me. Long story short, during the divorce process, I had an epiphany one day while house hunting, and came upon the realization that my mother was going to require care, so I bought a big old rambling foreclosure, and set her up downstairs, share the kitchen, and I have my suite upstairs.
It was a big step moving in, she was nervous, Mom was nervous, but I knew it would work,and I told them both to make sure it did. Today, it's a family, really no problems. You're nervous, but you sound like you're on solid ground.

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RE: Moving, money and mortgage - 8/27/2013 4:11:52 PM

sunshinemiss

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Everything I said someone else said, so I'm deleting this.... except for this part:

If I were around, I'd bring you some bread and salt... since I'm not, I can merely wish you the

best,
sunshine

< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 8/27/2013 4:15:48 PM >

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RE: Moving, money and mortgage - 8/27/2013 4:41:06 PM

NuevaVida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: areallivehuman

I would be willing to bet she would say she's quite comfortable. To make it even more challenging , let me add that my mother lives with me. Long story short, during the divorce process, I had an epiphany one day while house hunting, and came upon the realization that my mother was going to require care, so I bought a big old rambling foreclosure, and set her up downstairs, share the kitchen, and I have my suite upstairs.
It was a big step moving in, she was nervous, Mom was nervous, but I knew it would work,and I told them both to make sure it did. Today, it's a family, really no problems. You're nervous, but you sound like you're on solid ground.

That's quite an adjustment and I'm glad it all worked out so well. We have also discussed the What Ifs of if his daughter or my elderly mother ever need to move in. Right now though, we are looking forward to a fresh start of just us two.

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RE: Moving, money and mortgage - 8/27/2013 4:44:20 PM

NuevaVida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

Everything I said someone else said, so I'm deleting this.... except for this part:

If I were around, I'd bring you some bread and salt... since I'm not, I can merely wish you the

best,
sunshine

I wish you had left it up there. Sometimes my thick head needs to see things more than once to digest a concept :)

But you are welcome to come by, bread or no bread, and I'll have the coffee or wine ready, depending on time of day.

Thank you Sunshine

< Message edited by NuevaVida -- 8/27/2013 4:45:01 PM >

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RE: Moving, money and mortgage - 8/27/2013 5:26:47 PM

hejira92

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I understand the trepidation. We had been together 5 years when we made the decision to finally live together. He also gave me a year to get used to the idea. My marriage had scarred me so badly that I still refer to marriage as "the M word". lol.

I had a 4 bedroom house and He lived in a one bedroom condo, so a year and a half ago, He moved here. (I also still have one teen left, so it made sense). Because of issues from that bad marriage, and my mother's generosity, the house is in a trust that I don't actually own, but I get to live here. So, how to split things financially, it was ....complex. We worked out a system to make everything fair - I contribute more on some things to cover kid expenses- other wise things are separate. I know He wishes He could take care of me, but it is what it is.

I wish we had been able to sell the house and buy something new, together. It's sometimes weird to have Him in the house I once shared with the ex. And with the D/s, in a house that kinda belongs to me. But, in His typical wisdom, He has said, "This may be your house, but it's our home." And, of course, He's right.

< Message edited by hejira92 -- 8/27/2013 5:29:06 PM >

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RE: Moving, money and mortgage - 8/27/2013 5:36:03 PM

NuevaVida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: hejira92

...But, in His typical wisdom, He has said, "This may be your house, but it's our home." And, of course, He's right.

This part gave me goose bumps and is what I need to remind myself of.

Thank you so much for sharing. We've been together a little over 4 years and moving in together has been in the plans for the last three. Just needed to wait until his daughter finished school.

Funny that the idea of me moving down to his current place never gave me these concerns, but him buying a new place for us did. The mind is a strange thing lol. I had a weird feeling of being shut out. But I'm getting over it :)

This thread has been great so far. I'm grateful for those who have shared.

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RE: Moving, money and mortgage - 8/27/2013 6:28:09 PM

littlewonder

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When I was married, my husband brought home the majority of the money. But I paid the bills, the rent, the food, etc....he wanted nothing at all to do with it all and he was irresponsible with money so he allowed me to take it over.

When he died, I continued to pay for everything myself of course. I bought my own home, twice. I paid my own bills, etc...

When the ex-Dom moved in, I still continued to pay for everything myself with my own money and to be honest, it left me bitter and angry.

Now I still pay for everything myself but that's because Master and I do not live together. We both have our own separate incomes. But if one day that was to change, I would feel relief. After all of these years of having to fend for myself, to be the one to do it all, it would be nice to be taken care of for a change. I would feel like a big boulder was lifted from me.

People always look at me and think I'm this strong, independent woman because I've always had to do it all. They think I'm cold and some kind of "macho" woman. I've always been the one to take care of everyone else, having to be the backbone of the family, etc...Personally yeah, lots of times I'm left with feeling like I'm....masculine..only way I can describe it.

But in reality, they don't see how much I hate it, how much of a burden it is and how much I would like to just once, be the one who is taken care of (that's not to say Master doesn't take care of me...he very much does in other ways...just not financially since we don't live together).

For me it's left me with people thinking incorrectly about me because I do what I have to do to keep a roof over my head...not because I WANT to do it. It doesn't make me happy at all.

ETA: Master and I have talked about what would happen if I move in with him someday. He owns so yes it's his house and no I wouldn't feel like a stranger. He would like me to stay at home..be his slave who takes care of all the household chores and stuff which is what I would contribute. So no I don't feel like I wouldn't be contributing anything. I would be doing just the opposite and quite a lot of it. At first it kinda bothered me because for the most part, I like my job but with all the shit happening right now at work, my mind is saying "fuck the job" lol. I think I could deal with being at home again like I used to be when I was married.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 8/27/2013 6:34:46 PM >

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RE: Moving, money and mortgage - 8/27/2013 7:37:17 PM

poise

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One thing that I would suggest that you both consider is that he search for a home
that either one of you would be able to afford individually, or at least without
having to dig too deep into that nest egg to make up the difference.

While the Mister and I have always combined both of our incomes for expenses
and savings, he was just diagnosed with a chronic illness in March, which has
since become untreatable. He is scheduled for a major life changing surgery on
the 6th of September, with a suggested recovery period of up to 8 weeks.

Needless to say, he has missed quite a bit of work these past few months due
to hospitalizations, and is looking at missing a heck of a lot more in the days ahead.
Luckily, it hasn’t been too much of a struggle to make ends meet, but if it wasn’t for
our really friggen amazing health insurance policy, we would have been dipping into
our little nest egg even more than we already have, just to cover the cost of some of
his medicines.

So plan for happily ever after, but always have a Plan B, just in case.
I'll be rooting for the both of you!

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RE: Moving, money and mortgage - 8/27/2013 7:47:56 PM

Toysinbabeland

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Poise

My prayers are with you and your mr.

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RE: Moving, money and mortgage - 8/27/2013 9:01:50 PM

NuevaVida

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littlewonder, thanks for the post. I remember feeling very angry and bitter at my ex for not keeping a job, for not helping financially, and for staying home, not doing anything around the house, either. Those were crazy days, for sure. I wanted to be the one who could stay home and take care of things there, while he earned the income - that seemed like it would be such a relief to me.

When I first told him I was moving out, after almost 20 years, the FIRST thing he said to me was, "Well how will I support myself?" (meaning him, not me). It floored me. And I think that's what left me feeling like my only valuable contribution with someone moving forward would be money. I see now what a lie that is, but that was an extremely hard thing to hear, and stayed with me, much to my own surprise (it came up in my head during my near screaming and gnashing of teeth moment).

But I've also been very proud and stubborn, not wanting help from people along the way and insisting I pay back everything given to me during hard times. It didn't feel burdensome or masculine to me to be the go-to person in the family, or to have to take care of myself. It just made me fiercely independent and in control.

Which is why this shift in perspective was a struggle to get through, and in retrospect, really fascinating on many levels!

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