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ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

Heh glad you enjoyed.

I rent, and make a good income. Lost my house and nest egg in divorce and have been rebuilding. But I'm quite comfy making ends meet.

He owns, and does fine, too. There's not a financial crutch or need or dependence in either direction. Together we will be very comfy. The idea is he will buy the house and I will save, contribute to some utilities and extras, and have some fun money.

And shoes. I told him I'll probably buy more shoes lol.

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ORIGINAL: MrRodgers

Oh absolutely, the shoes are a must.

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But I am thinking with the above, you just answered just about all of your questions. It has always been my position that even in vanilla households similar to my parents. Dad took care of the big things, gave mom money for the bills while Mom worked and saved every penny she could. (Ex: mom never paid interest on her credit card during her last 49 years)

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The big difference today is that the bank is the last place to put your savings. My policy is that it all goes into the market.

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I've learned that a home isn't yours because you pay for it but because it is a reflection of who you are.

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your value is in who you are and not what you do or what money you bring to the table

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ORIGINAL: kiwisub12
He wants me to put the money from the sale of my house into a ?ROTH IRA so I don't pay taxes on the money, but if I need to buy another house, it is available.

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ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

Lovely kyra, I am so glad you wrote.

I love that you shared, and the perspective you bring. The "dollar and affection" was sweet :)

I think the "my money" versus "our money" is a little hard for both of us right now, given how financially devastating our divorces were for both of us in earlier days. It is possible that could change in time.

This:

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I've learned that a home isn't yours because you pay for it but because it is a reflection of who you are.

is beautifully put, and true. Thank you for that.

And

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your value is in who you are and not what you do or what money you bring to the table

made me tear up a little last night and again tonight. It's something, despite the self confidence and esteem I've gained over the years, that I sometimes need reminding of. I hadn't realized how big an issue that was for me still until recently. It disappointed me to realize it, but now I can really resolve it.

Thank you very much.


ETA: I'm so glad stress levels are down and he is happy and healthy. And it's another example of how adjustments can be made to accommodate needs as life changes.

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ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

Sunny Quote of the Day
goes to
kyraofMists
for
a home isn't yours
because you pay for it
but because it is a reflection
of who you are.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_4531722/mpage_3/tm.htm

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ORIGINAL: graceadieu

Not owning the home or being on the mortgage didn't bother me at all, but I've never lived on my own or owned a home, so it wasn't much of a change.

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ORIGINAL: DanielleofMists

I'm so blessed to be in this family! To be loved not for what I do for them, not for what I give but for me, it's something that has to be felt as words do no justice for the depth of the feeling. It's pretty overwhelming!

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ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

This thread has actually made me think a bit about issues that I hadn't considered.
Cool!

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ETA-It's my experience that being in a relationship is a lot like being in a rowboat together. Right now he's rowing. But there will come a time when he's gonna get tired. Then it will be your turn to take up the oars. So don't sweat it for now. You are in it for the long haul. Your time will come.

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ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

First, my disclaimer. The Mister and I have talked and are continuing to talk about this topic, and are basically leaving no stone unturned with regards to how I’m processing things. So this isn’t a question of advice, but of seeking to discover how others have maneuvered, and maybe I can learn some insight along the way.

That said, he has transferred his job up here, and we’re in the process of merging our households (Yay!). He is selling his house, and the plan is to buy a house up here for us to live in. He is buying the house, and we will both make a home together.

To my own surprise, I had a very hard time adjusting to the concept of him buying the house and me….well…contributing in other ways while saving my money. I’m talking pretty short of screaming and gnashing of teeth. He has been the epitome of patient while I’ve processed and worked out my fears, concerns, and incredible discomfort with the idea of not paying the mortgage. Again, we’ve talked this through, and it’s (mostly) not an issue for me now.

For me, what it boiled down to was an issue of pride and value. As I’ve posted here over the years, I was in a 20 year marriage in which I was the one relied upon for income and support. In fact, in that marriage, money was pretty much the only thing I contributed that he enjoyed and valued (he otherwise didn’t like me very much). Add to that, I have never been financially supported since I was 18 years old. I’ve always paid my way, and during times of hardship when I’ve had to borrow money, I quickly repaid my debt.

So for me, it was a combination of pride and of hmm…questioning what I’d be contributing? If I’m not being relied on for income, then what am I bringing to the table? Add to that a concern of, if he’s buying the house, will I feel like a guest in it once I’m living there? And then a big whammy - - If I’m not paying for it, I’m not in control. Yes! Control! In an M/s relationship! But there you have it. That’s what I found myself struggling with.

Meanwhile, he just wants to take care of me, and to see me rebuilding the nest egg I lost in my divorce (I’ll continue to work).

There have been no concerns at all about how we’ll interact and adjust relationship-wise, once we’re finally under one roof. We’ve evolved together rather wonderfully over the years, and both of us are confident that we’ll continue to do so with this big positive change coming our way.

So now that I’ve worked past the bulk of my money-related issues, I started wondering how others handled their merging of households.

Did one person handle all the mortgage/rent payments? If so, was it strange to let go of that?

Did the person making the payments prefer it that way? Did he/she feel more in control as a result? Were there resentments?

Did the person being supported feel vulnerable as a result? Was it an adjustment to feel financially supported?

Were other household expenses shared?

Did both people work? (or all people, if a poly situation)

Were there other financial concerns that came into play?

I understand finances is a pretty personal topic, and I don’t recall seeing other threads about how it felt to be supported financially, or how it felt to support someone else financially. Maybe because it’s a personal topic. Or maybe nobody really had concerns about it! But I appreciate any contribution.

Again, the issues I wrote about have been talked about and worked through, and he knows I’m starting this thread to see if there’s a gem of insight that might contribute to my own internal brain churns, while he and I continue to talk.

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ORIGINAL: Kana

Just a side thought for ya NV.Maybe take some of that money, set it aside in an Xmas club type account, and then a few times a year splurge for super duper vacations together.
That way you can feel as if you're still carrying your weight, get to do something wonderful together, and get to help Masters life be that much more pleasant. How's that for a win win scenario?

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ETA-It's my experience that being in a relationship is a lot like being in a rowboat together. Right now he's rowing. But there will come a time when he's gonna get tired. Then it will be your turn to take up the oars. So don't sweat it for now. You are in it for the long haul. Your time will come.

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ORIGINAL: LookieNoNookie


Hon, guys want to slay dragons (s'wut we do)....we'd do it if you weren't around...but when we do...with you there, and have you...tell us..."thank you for bringing me those dragons every night honey"

We melt.

Let him slay dragons.