RE: A "respectable" partner

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: A "respectable" partner

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: A "respectable" partner

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/3/2013 4:58:06 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

FR,

Was it Tony Soprano who said he didn't want blow jobs from the mother of his children? I don't think this attitude is terribly common anymore, but I know it exists.

My man and I both wanted a partner we would be proud to introduce to our families yet were dark and twisted in the bedroom.

(in reply to theshytype)

Post #: 21

RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/3/2013 6:08:38 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
The problem is what if we have our self identity wrong. What if we are doing what we are taught or raised with but not what we truly actually embraced. When the idea of poly was put on the table between Alandra and I spent many years reevaluating my own self identity and the values that went along with it.

In today's era, good men don't boss their wife around. So I didn't boss my wife around. What I realized coming to this whole BDSM thing is that I was more focused on the "good" part than the "bossing around" part. What if being a good husband for Carol meant bossing her around... or hitting her... or whatever?

So yeah, I can sympathize with "getting our self identity wrong". It's not that I changed my self to boss her around. I just was not correctly apply my own priorities to the ACTUAL situation I was living in rather than some theoretical situation.

edited to add:
Regarding my family... same rules as always. I will present to them the woman I have chosen as my wife. They will accept that woman or not. If they fail to accept her they fail to accept me and so the familial relationship is over. I can't really imagine myself wanting my parents approval. It'd be more like demanding than wanting.

< Message edited by JeffBC -- 9/3/2013 6:09:54 PM >

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 22

RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/3/2013 6:11:19 PM

splatterpunk

Posts: 119
Joined: 7/10/2013
Status: offline

splatterpunk's partners are all perfectly respectable and come only form the finest families and with impeccable letters of reference. schuylers, livingstons, cabots, PERHAPS an emerson but NEVER NEVER a winchester (filthy poseurs and social climbers the bunch of 'em).

_____________________________

i'll be yr mentor
i'll mentor ya but good

(in reply to slavekate80)

Post #: 23

RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/3/2013 6:24:33 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I can't relate to this. I did ask my ex to explore bondage with me. He tried a couple of times but it made him feel as though he was being abusive. He never put me down for it nor I for him not being into it. We had a good enough sex life for many years despite this one lack of compatibility.

The marriage ended for other reasons, having a severely emotionally ill child. The rates of divorce among parents of handicapped children runs about 90 %.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to slavekate80)

Post #: 24

RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/3/2013 6:27:37 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

It's the old story that a man wants a woman who is like his mother...prim, proper, can do no wrong, is Mother Teresa. So while he may have fun with a wild woman, most from my experience, don't want that same woman to be his wife and mother of his children. He would never be able to look upon her in the same way.

And then you have those men who want a woman who is prim and proper on the outside but wild and crazy in bed but she is never, ever to let that out at any other time than in the bedroom. It would be too much for his heart to handle.

I think it's just the way men are raised and the culture in which they are raised.

I learned long ago that when I was dating men, if I slept with them on the first date I knew I would never hear from them again and I rarely ever did. If they did it was only because they were looking for more booty.

It's one of the reasons I stopped sleeping around. I wanted to be more than a booty call.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to theshytype)

Post #: 25

RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/3/2013 7:06:09 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
I think it's just the way men are raised and the culture in which they are raised.

and as is always true, I'm doing the "guy thing" totally wrong because none of that ever mattered to me. Nor can I really imagine why a possible partner wanting to sleep with me on the first date would matter much. Carol did. I declined. We managed to be happy anyway.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 26

RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/3/2013 7:12:00 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

It's the old story that a man wants a woman who is like his mother..

If I found myself with a woman like my mother... I would likely kill myself ;). Thank god none of the girls remind me of mom. They are extra special in there own unique way

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 27

RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/3/2013 7:15:46 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

The first night I met Master I was so turned on by him I begged him to fuck me. Nope, nada...nothing. He downright refused. And to this day I'm glad he did. I would not have viewed him in the same way had he fucked me. I most likely would have not remembered him the next day and would have written him off as just another one night stand.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 28

RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/3/2013 7:37:37 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

I was in a vanilla marriage for fifteen years. It ultimately died due to many issues, but lack of kink was not one. I could have stayed if everything else had been all right.

Now, I can't imagine being with a vanilla. Fortunately, I don't have to.

It's my impression that there are more single female subs than there are single male Doms. If the ratio was 10 Doms for every sub woman, like Oside says is prevalent in SoCal, I might go vanilla.

That said, my woman better know how to be a lady in public with me. I've dumped at least one woman who failed there.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 29

RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/4/2013 10:34:46 AM

theshytype

Posts: 1600
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12
I spent 13 years in a marriage , trying to be a "good" girl. And the sex was horrible and the relationship stunk. I didn't tell him anything that I thought would upset him, including what would please me in bed.

That was part of my problem as well. Worried that I would make him feel as though he's doing it "wrong" or wasn't good enough. Not wanting him to think I was disinterested because of him.
After we tried things I was interested in, and he enjoyed them, only then did I tell him I truly did not enjoy the "other" way.

quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida
Regarding telling a long term partner, when I finally told my ex husband about this part of me, he convinced me I was mentally ill.

Wow. That's a bit extreme.
I don't understand why some people find enjoyment in rock climbing, but I'm not going to claim they have a mental illness.
Of all the things I don't understand about some people, I believe the inability to accept differences is what boggles my mind the most.

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
Sometimes we just need to strip our values and beliefs down to the bare bones and put the meat back on an ounce at a time. Then the trick is to live that which we see our new selves as.

I agree. For some, myself included, it's not the knowing, but the accepting, that is difficult.

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavekate80
I'm not satisfied unless I know I've satisfied him, so him doing something just because I want it traps me in a catch-22. It makes a thread through the entire relationship, even outside the bedroom; he doesn't want me to be submissive, so I can't be, because if I am, then I'm deliberately doing what he doesn't want me to do.

I do believe that if I were getting only what I needed and he was faking it to make me happy, I'd be even more unsatisfied. As would he.
I certainly wouldn't want to plan things in the bedroom either.
I gave him the tools, it was up to him to build it with me or not.
If his heart wasn't in it, the project wouldn't have turned out that beautifully.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
It's my impression that there are more single female subs than there are single male Doms.

I've read that somewhere else and it always surprises me. I would have thought it would be the other way around.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 30

RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/4/2013 10:41:06 AM

theshytype

Posts: 1600
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

FR,

Was it Tony Soprano who said he didn't want blow jobs from the mother of his children? I don't think this attitude is terribly common anymore, but I know it exists.

My man and I both wanted a partner we would be proud to introduce to our families yet were dark and twisted in the bedroom.

That's the attitude I'm referring to, the one I don't understand. I would think (and hope) it's not as common today.

My hopes for this thread was that someone with this attitude would comment. I'm not surprised at all that one hasn't yet, or ever will.
Not that I need to understand, but would like to, the thinking behind such a person.

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 31

RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/4/2013 2:47:12 PM

AaNiMaLl

Posts: 78
Joined: 4/4/2013
Status: offline

It is society and our parents. I was raised in a strict Christian household where we were taught to not even masturbate or even think sexual thoughts about another woman that wasn't our wife. I developed a lot of issues. But then I worked out that girls actually like my perversion. What I want to say is that this isn't only for girls. A lot of guys worry about this as well. A lot of guys have hidden stuff. ...I cannot understand how someone would keep this from their husband though. Like even just practically, you would think that he would work it out.

(in reply to theshytype)

Post #: 32

RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/4/2013 4:28:37 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: theshytype

That's the attitude I'm referring to, the one I don't understand. I would think (and hope) it's not as common today.

It's still present within certain sets...until they have a midlife crises, get divorced and get the trophy wife.

My Uncle was finally given access to his full trust fund at age 60 because he finally met the criteria laid out in his father's will, which included marrying an acceptable woman (my Aunt).

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to AaNiMaLl)

Post #: 33

RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/4/2013 4:36:46 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: theshytype

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
It's my impression that there are more single female subs than there are single male Doms.

I've read that somewhere else and it always surprises me. I would have thought it would be the other way around.

I should have qualified that. That's for groups and munches in the greater Denver area. Online, I suspect the reverse is true.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to theshytype)

Post #: 34

RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/4/2013 4:44:56 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
I should have qualified that. That's for groups and munches in the greater Denver area. Online, I suspect the reverse is true.

I think that depends on "online where"

Here, in a virtual meat market, it is not surprising to me that women find it less congenial than men. Submissive women (at least ones like Carol) would find it highly predatory and extremely unpalatable. You wouldn't find Carol at any "pickup spot" online or otherwise.

In SecondLife where there's less risk and at least half the female subs are guys? There I'd place the ratio of female-avatar-subs to doms at roughly 6000:1

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 35

RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/4/2013 7:13:58 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavekate80
because for me to take that active a role in planning out our sexual activities spoils it. I'm not satisfied unless I know I've satisfied him, so him doing something just because I want it traps me in a catch-22.

Except by not telling him what he wants to know, you are controlling him. You are refusing to accept pleasure when he feels like spoiling you. You are demanding he can read your mind.

In many ways, by refusing to be open and honest, you are the dominant and demanding he service top you.

Telling him what you like doesn't mean he's going to feel coerced or obligated to do it today, tomorrow or next week. He might, but when he does it will be at a time of his choosing. I can beg The Man, I can promise him things, I can threaten and demand. But none of that will change his mind unless he wants to.

If what he enjoys is seeing you happy, then you're deliberately preventing that by not talking to him. And he's allowed to go around thumping his chest at how happy he makes his woman.

Now if you want an emotional sadist who doesn't ever let you be happy, that's fine too. Just be clear about what you're looking for.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to slavekate80)

Post #: 36

RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/4/2013 9:24:29 PM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

Sunny Quote of the Day
goes to
DarkSteven
for

my woman better know how
to be a lady in public with me.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_4537447/mpage_2/tm.htm

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 37

RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/4/2013 11:15:59 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

I have been with some men who could not accept their kink life with their vanilla life. In the course of that, they were unable to see me as more than their kink partner, even though they loved me, because it was too overwhelming for them to accept that a woman could be nice and highly sexual at the same time.

In each case, I dumped the guys and they went on to admit the mistake they made in putting me in a box, but it was too late for them as I moved on.

Nothing made me angrier than someone being a hypocrite.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 38

RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/4/2013 11:16:59 PM

kallisto

Posts: 1185
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

my woman better know how to be a lady in public with me.

That has always been the case with any man I've had a serious relationship with ....

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 39

RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/5/2013 10:59:43 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: splatterpunk

splatterpunk's partners are all perfectly respectable and come only form the finest families and with impeccable letters of reference. schuylers, livingstons, cabots, PERHAPS an emerson but NEVER NEVER a winchester (filthy poseurs and social climbers the bunch of 'em).

Lowell's talk only to Cabots. And the Cabots talk only to God.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to splatterpunk)

Post #: 40

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: A "respectable" partner

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.109