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Hello All from Singapore - 10/15/2013 10:15:23 PM

gddigger

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/9/2013
Status: offline

Hello All, I've been having the urge to dominate and own a slave for quite a long time and its finally time to make it real. I don't want to "rush in" blindly with all my own expectations and disregarding the needs of my potential partner alltogether. So I need guidance as to what are the rules so nobody gets hurt or shortchanged in the relationship. I have never "owned" anyone before so consider me a newbie to this.

Cheers,
G

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RE: Hello All from Singapore - 10/15/2013 10:19:07 PM

Toysinbabeland

Posts: 1693
Joined: 3/4/2012
From: the other end of Cx's leash
Status: offline

Imho: Be known for telling the truth.

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RE: Hello All from Singapore - 10/15/2013 10:41:48 PM

gddigger

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/9/2013
Status: offline

The truth yes, I know we need to develop a good trusting relationship but I want to reach my goals, not get mired down when the other gets uncomfortable with the direction. Its tough but what are the ground rules besides the truth? Guidelines....?

Thank You,
G

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RE: Hello All from Singapore - 10/16/2013 4:29:47 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Welcome to the lifestyle.

The idea isn't that you get a ready-for-use slave. You get a woman with a submissive side, and convince her that you're worth her using that side with you.

1. You do not want a slave. First, the supply of subs is much greater. Second, slaves expect years of experience at a high level.

2. You've "been having the urge to dominate and own a slave for quite a long time and its finally time to make it real." Sounds to me like you're either freshly divorced or else married and cheating.

3. You "don't want to "rush in" blindly with all [your] own expectations and disregarding the needs of [your] potential partner alltogether." Nope. It's not a meeting of kink lists. A good D/s relationship is like a blend of a vanilla adult relationship and a parent-child relationship. Your job will be to get to know HER - what she wants and above all what she needs. That can be giving her a hard spanking when she doesn't want it but is clearly off kilter, making her have a quiet evening when her nerves are frazzled, etc. Being a Dom is a lot of work, but if you crave having the control, it will work.

4. "what are the rules so nobody gets hurt or shortchanged in the relationship." Beautiful. I like that it's not just you getting your rocks off, but worried that both get what they need and nobody gets hurt. Sorry, but it's a relationship and people will get hurt. The only difference here is that fire play, needle play, serious bondage, etc., have risks if you don't know what you're doing. If there are kink clubs in Singapore, join them and go to tutorials and demos. If not, go slow at first.

5. You "have never "owned" anyone before". And you won't be owning anyone for a while. I didn't own my first sub until I had been in the lifestyle eight years. That's a serious commitment, akin to an engagement. Get to know someone, date her, and play with her. Don't collar her until you know things will go well long term.

6. You "want to reach [your] goals, not get mired down when the other gets uncomfortable with the direction." No, just no. If she gets uncomfortable, it's time to talk with her and see what's up. There are times when a sub likes to resist and have herself overruled, but that's a delicate thing. If you want to introduce something that's a genuine hard limit and you override her, she'll likely leave. If she's got a soft limit, then you need to take the time and energy to push it gently at first. Being a Dom takes more than being in a vanilla relationship.

Welcome to the lifestyle.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Hello All from Singapore - 10/16/2013 9:12:29 AM

Rasciallymisty

Posts: 5749
Joined: 4/16/2012
Status: offline

Hello and welcome, you can beat the advice you have been give. Good luck in what you seek and nice to have you join us.

_____________________________

~misty~

Been here since 2004

Fear has two meanings: "Forget Everything And Run" or "Face Everything And Rise." The choice is yours!!!!!

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RE: Hello All from Singapore - 10/16/2013 8:32:31 PM

gddigger

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/9/2013
Status: offline

Thank You DarkSteven, You have answered my major questions.

1. Okay so its a gradual process, many years of lurking in BDSM websites, looking at pictures and not really talking with practitioners have resulted in my off kilt assumptions.

2. Widowed in 2007, now in a relationship with a woman who has no idea at all about my "inclinations" well, you could say I'm cheating. I haven't done anything yet, still exploring possibilities.

3. Okay, so its not a list comparison to see if wants and needs can be matched, it was my simplified view of a BDSM relationship. There will be a lot of work to be done then.

4. Over here, BDSM activity isn't exactly openly allowed, unlike classes at a community centre. I guess I will need to look underground to see if there are any kink clubs that I can join and learn from. I have my doubts as to how sophisticated/dedicated to spreading the "word" they are as the one or two that have BDSM inclinations that I have come across are looking at members to boost their coffers in lieu of titillating activity/sex as opposed to the teaching/learning process. I will take it slow. Also the law isn't going to be as kind and understanding if things go wrong.

5. I will start looking for a sub when I'm more knowledgeable. Now I know ownership is a long long way off.

6. I get the delicate thing, this will depend on how well I know my sub, whether I know how to guide her towards accepting higher limits. Looks like I have loads to do and experience.

Thank You again.

More research and learning to be done.

Cheers,
G

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RE: Hello All from Singapore - 10/16/2013 8:35:39 PM

gddigger

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/9/2013
Status: offline

Thanks for the Welcome Rasciallymisty, I got a long way to go.

Cheers,
G

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