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confusing - 10/23/2013 5:25:02 PM

celticmax

Posts: 3
Joined: 10/23/2013
Status: offline

Hey Everyone

Just a quick question about a potential new sub partner.

I have had several fairly long relationships in the part which evolved naturally into sub/dom situation. Recently I have become single because of divorce and have been looking to start again. Instead of having to wait and gamble on finding the right woman, I have been active through a couple of BDSM contact sites and connected with someone I am interested in.

We have met, talked and like each other. I would like to move forward. The only thing that is kind of confusing me, is that she would like to see more of my Dom nature when we are out in public or during casual social outings.

I have always tended to save this for more private times and am finding it a little confusing to know what she is asking.

Can anyone tell me how you expect your dom to act in public that still gives you a sense of them being dom?

It may seem like a strange question but this is a new way of approaching this type of relationship for me.

I appreciate any answers.

Post #: 1

RE: confusing - 10/23/2013 5:44:56 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

He's a dominant personality. He doesn't need to prove it and he doesn't separate his personality so that he has to keep one behind closed doors. It's in the way he walks, talks, breathes air. People around him just notice just from his confidence.

I'm thinking she wishes you were something like that. It sounds like to me that you basically play a role, something you only do when in private. For some of us it's just who we are every single moment of every single day.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to celticmax)

Post #: 2

RE: confusing - 10/23/2013 6:02:44 PM

petitespot

Posts: 288
Joined: 7/3/2006
From: Surfside Beach, SC
Status: offline

Pick out and order her food for her when dining out.
Things like that.

_____________________________

(in reply to celticmax)

Post #: 3

RE: confusing - 10/23/2013 6:14:10 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

Why not ask her to be more specific on the subject? If you don't know what she views as Dominant behavior, than how will you know what she wants to see? To me, it's actually very Dominant to communicate and make sure everyone is on the same page.

(in reply to celticmax)

Post #: 4

RE: confusing - 10/23/2013 6:15:42 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

When with her, initiate physical contact. A cuddle or kiss.

When walking with her, put your hand in the small of her back.

Pick the evening activities, where you go.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to petitespot)

Post #: 5

RE: confusing - 10/23/2013 6:49:01 PM

celticmax

Posts: 3
Joined: 10/23/2013
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

He's a dominant personality. He doesn't need to prove it and he doesn't separate his personality so that he has to keep one behind closed doors. It's in the way he walks, talks, breathes air. People around him just notice just from his confidence.

I'm thinking she wishes you were something like that. It sounds like to me that you basically play a role, something you only do when in private. For some of us it's just who we are every single moment of every single day.

I think you missed my point about this being the first time I have intentionally gone looking for a sub

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 6

RE: confusing - 10/23/2013 6:57:25 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

Why not ask her to be more specific on the subject?

^^This

We don't know her. We don't know if her ideal is fluffy Castleream-ish or being dragged down the street by a leash.

But, I will say this...if she tells you things where it involves the general public in your kink...you should re-asses your interest in her.

(And a general apology to the forum regulars for invoking the "C" word)

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 7

RE: confusing - 10/23/2013 8:01:24 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

(And a general apology to the forum regulars for invoking the "C" word)

You are not a twue submittive!!!!!

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 8

RE: confusing - 10/23/2013 8:02:55 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

(And a general apology to the forum regulars for invoking the "C" word)

You are not a twue submittive!!!!!

I keep telling Master that. He just laughs and tells me to put my butt up.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 9

RE: confusing - 10/23/2013 8:08:34 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: celticmax
Can anyone tell me how you expect your dom to act in public that still gives you a sense of them being dom?

Things that are fun:

During a completely nonsexual pleasant moment, when she has her guard down, whisper in her ear, "My god you're a beautiful cunt." Or "slut" or some other degrading, sexually charged term. It can't be an insult. It has to be a degrading compliment.

When you're sitting somewhere, look at her and calmly tell her to cross her legs so the other leg is on top.

Tell her to go to the bathroom, take off her panties, and bring them to you. Then you tell her periodically how great her ass looks, so she is always aware she's commando.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to celticmax)

Post #: 10

RE: confusing - 10/23/2013 9:23:06 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: celticmax

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

He's a dominant personality. He doesn't need to prove it and he doesn't separate his personality so that he has to keep one behind closed doors. It's in the way he walks, talks, breathes air. People around him just notice just from his confidence.

I'm thinking she wishes you were something like that. It sounds like to me that you basically play a role, something you only do when in private. For some of us it's just who we are every single moment of every single day.

I think you missed my point about this being the first time I have intentionally gone looking for a sub

and you missed my point that you are either a dominant personality or you are not. Has zilch to do with bdsm and everything to do with who you are, not the role you play.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to celticmax)

Post #: 11

RE: confusing - 10/23/2013 11:05:28 PM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

I'm with LW on this one.

Master is a dominant personality without being a dick or an overbearing ass. When we are out together he will say 'get me a coffee' or 'I want to see this movie then eat at this restaurant'. Sometimes he'll ask my opinion before he makes his decision. Sometimes when we eat out he'll allow me to choose my own food, sometimes he'll order for me. This is just 'us' - this is how we live our boring, every-day M/s life

There's usually nothing to do with sex. As LW said, it's all about 'being dominant' rather than 'playing the sex dominant'.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 12

RE: confusing - 10/24/2013 2:15:17 AM

tallwithblueeye

Posts: 8
Joined: 10/16/2013
Status: offline

She sound like me this is not role playing it a way of life, feel the need to be at your feet at all time. And feel lost if you don't take your place over us.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 13

RE: confusing - 10/24/2013 3:14:51 AM

freedomdwarf1

Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline

FR~

I am also with LW on this.

It's about being a dominant person naturally; your whole self, your overall demeanour.
It sounds like you are not such a person and have only role-played it in private.
If you have only done that behind closed doors, then it is not a natural part of you.

It sounds like this woman is wanting someone who is naturally confident and dominant, not a role-player.
Whilst you can learn to play the dominant in public, if it isn't a natural part of you, the chances are you'll end up being an asshat or fail dismally. The end result is that she'll not be the ideal submissive because she'll not have the same respect for you as her natural dominant.

Personally, I would say this is not a good match for anything long-term.

Just my

(in reply to celticmax)

Post #: 14

RE: confusing - 10/24/2013 5:19:43 AM

sheisreeds

Posts: 578
Joined: 7/8/2008
Status: offline

Ok, there could be a couple of things going on here.

OPTION 1

Due to being encapsulated in the world of your last relationship the whole notion of taking this stuff out of the bedroom or out of the house may not have occurred to you. I don't mean that as an insult at all, a whole lot changed for me when I began conversing with communities online and off about what this BDSM thing has the capability of being.

So if you read what some of us thought she meant by that statement and went "Oh, wow this chick is down with that!" and a lightbulb turned on, great!

OPTION 2

Like others have mentioned she may be looking for 24/7, and that may or may not be your cup of tea even if you think it is. And it is very true 24/7 dominants tend to have a way that carries wherever they go. They could be having the submissive order dinner, and still be totally dominant and in control. 24/7 dynamics are intensive, and go far better when they come naturally to both participants in the relationship.

She could be looking for a relationship when the D/s dynamic carries into everything into everything involving her partner. She may not feel happy, or even herself if this is not the case.

REGARDLESS

You and her need to sit down and talk about what both of you are looking for in a D/s relationship. Just because she may want you to order her food when you're out on a date, doesn't mean jack about whether she is looking for 24/7, or whatever. A lot of this conversation should be past experiences, and present expectations.

If she is looking for total power exchange, and has a history of total power exchange, this may not be the one for you.

_____________________________

~ s.

Oh my darling, give me reason
give me something to believe in

You need a spankin' baby!

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)

Post #: 15

RE: confusing - 10/24/2013 5:45:30 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

My man is socially as well as sexually dominant. This means he picks the restaurants and social activities. I do have input and we do discuss things, but he makes the call the vast majority of the time. He buys me clothes and tells me what to wear when we go out. He picks up the tab. He opens doors.

He's also in charge of the Netflix queue and the remote.

He doesn't order food for me and I have free reign when I cook for him, which is three or four meals per week, (although I am absolutely prohibited from using cilantro in his meals.

)

(in reply to celticmax)

Post #: 16

RE: confusing - 10/24/2013 8:22:47 AM

Domnotlooking

Posts: 249
Joined: 8/11/2013
Status: offline

To toss you a move, consider helping her on with her coat and then buttoning or zipping it up. If she balks a little, just keep steady on with your buttoning/zippering domly task.

Likewise, a simple "wait here" (as in right "there", no wandering around) can be a nice little bit of sub-priming.

I like to remind my girl that I prefer her to nod her head gently whenever she says yes and shake it ever so slightly when she says no. It doesn't have to be 100%, but just sort of peppered throughout our interaction. This is something that is very innocuous for her to do in public, but makes a for sweet, private buzz between us.

If the vibe is right, feel free to drill her (wherever you might be) in what exactly constitutes a pleasing head nod or shake. Give proper encouragement and explicit correction to help her succeed. I like to gently stroke her ear with my thumb when she's in the good girl zone. She knows that means praise, that she should keep on doing what's she's doing, renewing her focus on serving.

Submissive women generally like a dash of "because I say so" in the mix if it's affectionate and not too heavy handed.

I agree it's a mindset, but mindsets can be grown and developed. Stupid dom tricks can play a role in that.

< Message edited by Domnotlooking -- 10/24/2013 8:33:54 AM >

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 17

RE: confusing - 10/24/2013 10:22:56 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: celticmax
Can anyone tell me how you expect your dom to act in public that still gives you a sense of them being dom?

Carol's answer would be identical to littlewonder's. She expects me to act like a person who is in control of his life and the circumstances around him. Try to think about it in normal vanilla terms. When we go to a restaurant I deal with the maitre d', the wait staff, etc. If there is an issue I handle it... simply, cleanly, and assertively. In general I make things go my way using nothing more than a quietly confident and assertive demeanour. At work, I am the president. As littlewonder said, my dominance is not compartmentalized. It shows up consistently all throughout my life. Think "natural born leader" as if it were really true not made-up internet spin.

Now, whether that's what your partner wants is a vast mystery. If I were you I'd sit her down and demand a clear and detailed answer. If she gave me some shit which amounted to "you oughta know" I'd correct her. When I heard what she wanted I'd decide if I wanted that too. There would be a lot of back & forth conversation in that step most likely. Then I'd tell her the new plan, whatever that was. If there was some change in the relationship called for I'd cast it as a shared journey of exploration (eg: she gets to work for her desires too)

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to celticmax)

Post #: 18

RE: confusing - 10/24/2013 12:05:06 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: celticmax

Can anyone tell me how you expect your dom to act in public that still gives you a sense of them being dom?

It may seem like a strange question but this is a new way of approaching this type of relationship for me.

I appreciate any answers.

I suspect that if I told Himself how to act in public, he'd tell me to shut the fuck up, mind my own business and possibly beat the hell outta me when we got home.

Hmm.. could be incentive at that!

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to celticmax)

Post #: 19

RE: confusing - 10/24/2013 12:53:27 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: celticmax

Can anyone tell me how you expect your dom to act in public that still gives you a sense of them being dom?

It may seem like a strange question but this is a new way of approaching this type of relationship for me.

I appreciate any answers.

I dated a few "Doms" before my One found me here.
They all behaved differently.

One of them always ordered my food: "The lady will have..."

So really, what you are asking is: what mental script will please the woman you are dating.
And really that is something you will have to ask her.

When she says "dominant", what qualities encompass that image for her.
Does she have a favorite type or piece of erotic literature, or movie that makes her tingle?

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to celticmax)

Post #: 20

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