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Wwyd? Sub I play with says he loves me. - 11/10/2013 3:27:29 AM

Missdressed

Posts: 278
Joined: 5/28/2013
From: UK
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I have a sub I play with on a semi-regular basis. I always made it clear he was just a play partner until I found the elusive ltr.

He has hinted very strongly that he loves me.

So I continue to see him ?

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RE: Wwyd? Sub I play with says he loves me. - 11/10/2013 4:11:43 AM

DarkSteven

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Is this a play-only relationship? Do you do vanilla stuff as well? How long have you been seeing him?

If it's play-only, then he's loving the sessions themselves, not you, and he's confusing the two.

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RE: Wwyd? Sub I play with says he loves me. - 11/10/2013 4:11:53 AM

Anuser

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Joined: 10/14/2013
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Idk what the nature of your relationship is, but if it's online only, I'd say take it with a grain of salt. I had a sub (online only) who dropped the L-bomb repeatedly, and carried on for weeks like this only to have him ignoring me and pretending everything was cool. Online or irl, I'd say it's impossible to distinguish if he's serious or if it's part of the game for him w/o a serious convo. You've told him you're not into an ltr w/him so your duty to disclose has been fulfilled. If he gets hurt, it's his own fault. Of course, if you're really concerned about hurting him the kind thing to do is to walk away, permanently.

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RE: Wwyd? Sub I play with says he loves me. - 11/10/2013 4:22:53 AM

Missdressed

Posts: 278
Joined: 5/28/2013
From: UK
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Play only, real life. Not online.

No vanilla stuff at all.

Thanks folks - I think I'm going to end it - it wouldn't feel right to continue.

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RE: Wwyd? Sub I play with says he loves me. - 11/10/2013 5:49:58 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Missdressed

I have a sub I play with on a semi-regular basis. I always made it clear he was just a play partner until I found the elusive ltr.

He has hinted very strongly that he loves me.

So I continue to see him ?

I won't give you advice, but I think I know what happened. Here's my two cents.

First, contrary to stereotype, men tend to be more romantic and less practical than women, especially as both sexes mature. Example: women tend to be better off emotionally after divorce, and men tend to be worse off, despite all the pressure from younger women to "put a ring on it." Moral of the story: men want companionship and romantic security more than women do.

About your specific situation: a friend of mine once said to me, "Everyone needs one person in their life who they can reveal their innermost self to, and who will not judge them." It is an amazingly powerful release when you find such a person, especially if she's an woman you find attractive, and she accepts your sexuality. If he isn't accustomed to "thinking poly," it doesn't surprise me at all that his logical conclusion would be, "She must be the One." Especially if he wasn't secure in his submissiveness before he met you.

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RE: Wwyd? Sub I play with says he loves me. - 11/10/2013 6:47:53 AM

searching4mysir

Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missdressed

I have a sub I play with on a semi-regular basis. I always made it clear he was just a play partner until I found the elusive ltr.

He has hinted very strongly that he loves me.

So I continue to see him ?

I won't give you advice, but I think I know what happened. Here's my two cents.

First, contrary to stereotype, men tend to be more romantic and less practical than women, especially as both sexes mature. Example: women tend to be better off emotionally after divorce, and men tend to be worse off, despite all the pressure from younger women to "put a ring on it." Moral of the story: men want companionship and romantic security more than women do.

About your specific situation: a friend of mine once said to me, "Everyone needs one person in their life who they can reveal their innermost self to, and who will not judge them." It is an amazingly powerful release when you find such a person, especially if she's an woman you find attractive, and she accepts your sexuality. If he isn't accustomed to "thinking poly," it doesn't surprise me at all that his logical conclusion would be, "She must be the One." Especially if he wasn't secure in his submissiveness before he met you.

Add to that the endorphins that flow during play can be mistaken for love.

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RE: Wwyd? Sub I play with says he loves me. - 11/10/2013 6:55:08 AM

MASTERLIX

Posts: 79
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From: SIR LIX OF ATLANTA
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Is he a sub you play with or a bottom you play with? There is a big difference. The moment you acknowledge him as a sub, it means you are acknowledging yourself as a Mistress or Dom in the relationship or interaction. The moment you do that, it means you are saying he is your sub and you are his Mistress/Dominant, which could equal to D/s relationship.

But acknowledging that he is a bottom, it means you are also saying you are a Top in that relationship. That makes it a T/b relationship. Now, it could be a periodic T/b relationship or it could be a long term one as well. But you first have to address him as a bottom and you a Top first, before anything else.

None of the above has anything to do with how you identify anywhere else, but as for that relationship and interaction, you are a Top and he is a bottom.

Just saying.

SL

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RE: Wwyd? Sub I play with says he loves me. - 11/10/2013 6:57:47 AM

MASTERLIX

Posts: 79
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From: SIR LIX OF ATLANTA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Missdressed

Play only, real life. Not online.

No vanilla stuff at all.

Thanks folks - I think I'm going to end it - it wouldn't feel right to continue.

Ending it isn't the answer. Having a conversation with him, is the answer. I would suggest that you have a conversation with him first. Depending on how the conversation goes, would you decide to continue or put an end to the play or play regularity.

SL

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RE: Wwyd? Sub I play with says he loves me. - 11/10/2013 1:59:34 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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Do you love him in the same way? If so then continue. Why not?

If you don't then you tell him and break it off.

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RE: Wwyd? Sub I play with says he loves me. - 11/10/2013 2:38:48 PM

Missdressed

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From: UK
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I'm just home. I ended it. I don't love him and never will so it would have been heartless to continue

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RE: Wwyd? Sub I play with says he loves me. - 11/10/2013 4:02:33 PM

JeffBC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Missdressed
Thanks folks - I think I'm going to end it - it wouldn't feel right to continue.

That. To continue beyond this point would constitute "using another human to their detriment" and the guy in the mirror gets really annoyed when I do that.

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RE: Wwyd? Sub I play with says he loves me. - 11/10/2013 4:16:25 PM

RomanticRebel

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Joined: 10/23/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Missdressed

I'm just home. I ended it. I don't love him and never will so it would have been heartless to continue

In my opinion, you did the right thing. Not easy to be certain, but the right thing to do none the less.

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RE: Wwyd? Sub I play with says he loves me. - 11/10/2013 4:49:57 PM

servinggirlwntd

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I had second thoughts about my response here so I edited it.

< Message edited by servinggirlwntd -- 11/10/2013 4:51:06 PM >

(in reply to RomanticRebel)

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RE: Wwyd? Sub I play with says he loves me. - 11/10/2013 7:24:32 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
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quote:

I'm just home. I ended it. I don't love him and never will so it would have been heartless to continue

I think you did the right thing.

Last year I started dating someone who I could never take seriously as a Dom because, among other things, he was so much younger than I am. He didn't seem to receive my "I want to be play partners only" message. When there's no meeting of the minds, it's better to just not continue.

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RE: Wwyd? Sub I play with says he loves me. - 11/10/2013 7:27:51 PM

Lisfor

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It's a bit late, but I would allow it if the sub is happy to just be in love with me and doesn't need me to actually love him back, and if it doesn't get weird for me. Some people like the pain of unrequited love.

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RE: Wwyd? Sub I play with says he loves me. - 11/12/2013 9:39:33 PM

alonehere

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Joined: 10/29/2013
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Well, since it's all done now, there is not much to add except this final bit.

You did the right thing for both of you, and have revealed yourself to be both a decent and a caring person. May you find happiness after this difficult time

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RE: Wwyd? Sub I play with says he loves me. - 11/14/2013 6:22:49 PM

FriendlyMuppet

Posts: 171
Joined: 11/16/2010
From: Corpus Christi, Texas
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lisfor

It's a bit late, but I would allow it if the sub is happy to just be in love with me and doesn't need me to actually love him back, and if it doesn't get weird for me. Some people like the pain of unrequited love.

Yeah, I'm in agreement here. I've been in a few romantic relationships over the years that upon reflection I realize were basically me in love with her and not the same in return. And I've been fine with that. Sometimes, a bdsm relationship becomes so strong and so deep for a submissive that he (or she) falls in love with the dominant and continues to serve her because nothing makes him (or her) happier. As long as the submissive understands that it's most likely never going to turn into a romantic relationship or lead to something other than the limits of a bdsm relationship (which can go pretty damn deep), and everyone is cognizant of that fact, then I don't see what the problem is. It's like guys who date women until they hear the words "I love you" and then freak out and have to end it immediately.

One dominant once stated to me: "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" and that slowly baked in until I realized the power of that statement. And once understanding it, I was fine with it, and we still have a great relationship to this day. She's never going to marry me, but she does still visit my city at random and shows up at my door, where our relationship goes right back to where it was before, until she's had her need filled and moves on again.

As long as everyone is getting what they desire out of the relationship, I just can't see the problem.

But that's me. And I'm just a friendly muppet.

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