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RE: how can someone be a swiych i dont understand - 2/25/2005 5:06:09 PM

Posts: 11
Joined: 5/11/2004
Status: offline

This is very interesting. I am new to the lifestyle, and have had a r/l Dom Mentor for 6 months.
I've learned alot, and loved it, but I feel a bit bored now. I would like to continue to explore. I have told Him that I feel that I would like the experience of tying Him up and teasing Him.
He is not pleased by that idea. I have a male switch friend who I think I may explore this with.
How do I know if I'm a switch or just trying to find my niche?

(in reply to LongRiverWolf)

RE: how can someone be a swiych i dont understand - 2/25/2005 5:34:58 PM

Posts: 2021
Joined: 8/11/2004
From: SoCal aka Hell
Status: offline

Tie up the friend of yours... go hog wild. And then evaluate the feelings you get from either side of the coin. Do you feel better being a submissive? Do you feel better being a Domme? Do you feel awesome no matter what you're doing... only you can decide whether or not you're meant to fall into a particular category.

Maybe you like submitting to one person but you love to dominate another... It's all up to you and what feels good for you.

_____________________________

Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
--R. D. Laing

"Oh, but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away."

(in reply to buttafly)

RE: how can someone be a swiych i dont understand - 2/26/2005 9:02:42 AM

Posts: 62
Joined: 9/8/2004
From: Long Island, NY
Status: offline

Congratulations, and welcome to the lifestyle!
I think it’s great that you want to explore.

Many people when they first (and I mean really way back when…) become aware that their interests are outside the mainstream, are drawn in some respects to the ‘control’ aspect of BDSM.
That is, when they read about, or see images of someone who is forced to submit, whether it’s to a flogging, or sex acts, etc, it stirs something within them.
Often they haven’t yet examined whether it’s to be ‘controlled’ (submissive) or acting the ‘controller’ (dominant) that stimulates them. This is largely subconscious in most folks.
Then as they continue to read and learn more, they begin to think of themselves in terms of Dominant or submissive.

But there are some of us, who identify with both these roles.
It’s not that we ‘can’t decide’. It’s because we are ‘wired’ that way!
And we need at times to be able to express both.
It’s not even a ‘want’ or curiosity, or ‘to please someone else’, but a genuine need.

The only way to find out if you are a Switch is to try it, and see how it feels.
When you have, ask yourself, did you like both roles?
You don’t even have to like them equally.

There are 'neutral' Switches who can easily change from Dom to sub, and back again without any 'adjustment' time, but the majority of Switches tend to have a primary role (either more dominant while others submissive), and need time to get into the headspace. What makes them a Switch is that at times they feel they must pick up that other role in order to maintain a sense of balance in their lives.

Hope this helped.

~ Bette

(in reply to buttafly)

RE: how can someone be a swiych i dont understand - 2/26/2005 6:00:19 PM

Posts: 17
Joined: 7/31/2004
Status: offline

I share the view of many that being a switch may be no less, or more, a choice than being dominant or submissive, not to say there is no choice in any of these 'roles.' Then, too, I don't happen to believe anyone is always dominant or submissive. I've seen countless women who describe themselves as submissive be extremely assertive, demanding and, yes, dominant, when it comes to their careers or, even more so, their family and children. And I've met many males who claim to be dominant who appear to be, above all, insecure and adopt a "power" role as compensation.
But I'm seldom surprised that those in the D/s or bdsm culture are often drawn both to taking control and relinquishing control. After all, our preoccupation tends to be with power and control. And while an individual may feel far more emotionally drawn to controlling or being controlled, that person may easily, down the road, decide to try the opposite experience or experience both. How many dommes, even those who really feel confident and dominant, began as subs? Many; albeit sometimes because of social stereotyping. But at some point while engaging in the "control game" they have tasted the draw of exercising control. Others discover the strong emotional satisfaction of both roles.
Some of us like to control, when we meet the right partner or circumstance. And, yet, on other occasions, in the presence of some other partner or situation, we thoroughly enjoy relinquishing control. Some have a sadistic side which we seek to satisfy but also a masochistic urge which at other times cries for attention.
Unfortunately, many in the D/s or bdsm culture view switches with suspicion, thinking we're just confused individuals who haven't admitted to ourselves our "true" nature.
Then, too, being a switch can be very difficult, because many submissives and even bottoms have trouble submitting to someone who submits to others (or who wishes to submit and dominate in the same relationship). Alas!
Tightropes (current describing self as submissive but with a strong personality and sadistic propensities)

(in reply to MadameBette)

RE: how can someone be a swiych i dont understand - 3/3/2005 11:26:24 AM

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Joined: 5/11/2004
Status: offline

Thank you MadameBette, MadameDahlia, and tightropes for these comments. It makes sense.
I am finding that giving myself "permission" to explore, and not locking myself into a role, is alot more fun, and healthier at this stage of my journey.

With an open mind, I can easily identify 2 males who will be more than willing "bottoms" and in fact, I would love to "play" with both of them at once. Shall I keep you posted? buttafly

(in reply to tightropes)

RE: how can someone be a swiych i dont understand - 3/3/2005 11:40:41 AM

Posts: 62
Joined: 9/8/2004
From: Long Island, NY
Status: offline

Please do. Always glad to help and I love hear about how someone is growing - stretching their limits and exploring.

Have fun! Play safe!

~ Bette

(in reply to buttafly)

RE: how can someone be a swiych i dont understand - 3/3/2005 1:38:49 PM

ProtagonistLily

Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

It's not a simple answer. It like asking how come you're dominant, submissive,straight, gay or bi.

This isn't a simple question to answer, I agree. In a D/s context, I've discovered that I don't have the requisite *whatever* to be the dominant force in a power exchange relationship. I can, however, in a purely SM context, Top a bottom, and rather sadistically, without feeling weird or 'unsubmissive'. My ability to Top someone confused me, not the other way around. So, as I was out there, interviewing submissive males because I thought Top=Domme, I kept rejecting the submissives on grounds that, as a friend pointed out, were not reasons a Dominant would.

So, I call myself a switch, because I can Top in addition to being a submissive in a power exchange D/s relationship. But through my interviewing and subsequent growth process, I'm very specific about where and how I will switch. SM and D/s are not the same, and are not interchangeble for me.

Lily
*edited for spellink and kleritee

< Message edited by ProtagonistLily -- 3/3/2005 1:40:16 PM >

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to subtara)

RE: how can someone be a swiych i dont understand - 3/8/2005 4:42:54 PM

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Joined: 3/6/2005
Status: offline

If you think about it, most people have both dominant and submissive tendences - are you a Dom/me who has NEVER given in to someone else or a subbie who has never wanted to take control for a while. Most people can and do switch roles during real life, submissive at work, dominant at home or the other way round. The main thing with being a switch is accepting that we all have two sides and acting on it - if you happen to find you have a "switch" partner then you REALLY start to enjoy life :-). And of course it is a little like being Bi - it doubles your chance of a date at the weekend :-)

(in reply to Maamsslave)

RE: how can someone be a swiych i dont understand - 3/10/2005 12:45:12 AM

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Joined: 3/9/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Maamsslave

how can someone be a switch i dont understand please explain.

I first starting switching a few years ago after reading SM 101 by Jay Wiseman. Taking bottom was not only fun, but it helped me become a better Dominant.

I can tell you from personal experience what it feels like to be accidentally whipped in the face by a fledgling Domme. Things like this help me to undestand the importance of my responsibilities when Topping.

I'm not a lifestyle Dom. SM is part of my life, but only a part of it.

To me, switching in SM roles is no different than switching in the vanilla roles. Me on Top, her on bottom. Her on Top, me on bottom.

Most good Dominants that I know do switch sometimes, even if they don't advertise it openly. Some don't. Switches -- in my opinion -- tend to have the more humorous personalities in the SM world. We like to have fun and see the humor in a good beating.

Hope this helps.

Jake48

(in reply to Maamsslave)

RE: how can someone be a swiych i dont understand - 3/10/2005 12:49:50 AM

Posts: 2
Joined: 3/9/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: buttafly

This is very interesting. I am new to the lifestyle, and have had a r/l Dom Mentor for 6 months.
I've learned alot, and loved it, but I feel a bit bored now. I would like to continue to explore. I have told Him that I feel that I would like the experience of tying Him up and teasing Him.
He is not pleased by that idea. I have a male switch friend who I think I may explore this with.
How do I know if I'm a switch or just trying to find my niche?

It sounds like you're trying to find your niche. It's the only way to know for sure. My problem tends to be the opposite. I seem to draw true subs to me more than switches. Wish it were the other way around ... lol.

Jake48 ... Vamcouver, WA.

(in reply to buttafly)

RE: how can someone be a swiych i dont understand - 3/10/2005 10:08:48 AM

Posts: 11
Joined: 5/11/2004
Status: offline

This is making more sense to me now. Correct me if I'm wrong, but a "Switch" switches from Top to bottom, and it doesn't really involve lifestyle D/s. I mean I can understand taking turns flogging each other if it's a sensation kind of thing, more than a Dominant / submissive character switch. That would be much harder to do, although I imagine it could be done for various partners, but it would be difficult to "switch" Dominance on and off in the same scene.
Am I warm in this, or way off? I feel I am a submissive, and I cannot "Dominate" anyone, but I can see the fun in "Topping" .. Will that be allowed by a Dom? buttafly

(in reply to Jake48)

RE: how can someone be a swiych i dont understand - 3/10/2005 3:33:45 PM

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Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: buttafly

This is making more sense to me now. Correct me if I'm wrong, but a "Switch" switches from Top to bottom, and it doesn't really involve lifestyle D/s.

That's true for some folks and not for others. There are d/s switches as well as SM switches (and even some folks who switch in both d/s and SM).

quote:

I imagine it could be done for various partners, but it would be difficult to "switch" Dominance on and off in the same scene.

Yes, I think it probably would be, but I've seen people do it. Not something I do, personally.

quote:

I feel I am a submissive, and I cannot "Dominate" anyone, but I can see the fun in "Topping" .. Will that be allowed by a Dom? buttafly

Some dominant partners will be perfectly fine with it, or even encourage it. Others won't. It all depends on your partner. If this is something that's important to you, I'd suggest bringing it up in the early stages of getting to know a prospective partner, rather than springing it on them out of left field.

_____________________________

-- Sherri

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

(in reply to buttafly)

RE: how can someone be a swiych i dont understand - 3/11/2005 9:22:10 AM

Posts: 11
Joined: 5/11/2004
Status: offline

SherriA,

But, if I bring this up when I first meet a Dom, He may never want to see me again, and it's not so important to me, in fact, I haven't even tried it yet. I just want to try different things. When I bring up things I'd like to try, with a Dom, I am accused of "Topping from the bottom"

(in reply to SherriA)

RE: how can someone be a swiych i dont understand - 3/11/2005 10:41:26 AM

Posts: 62
Joined: 9/8/2004
From: Long Island, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: buttafly
...When I bring up things I'd like to try, with a Dom, I am accused of "Topping from the bottom"

That's why you need to bring it up in the beginning.

Don't let being afraid he won't want to see you again hold you back. If he's not 'okay' with it, better for both of you to get it out before either party wastes any time or has any emotional involvement.

~ Bette

(in reply to buttafly)

RE: how can someone be a swiych i dont understand - 3/11/2005 1:46:56 PM

Posts: 544
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: buttafly

But, if I bring this up when I first meet a Dom, He may never want to see me again, and it's not so important to me, in fact, I haven't even tried it yet. I just want to try different things. When I bring up things I'd like to try, with a Dom, I am accused of "Topping from the bottom"

So, tell him that. Tell him that it's not something you've tried, and it's not deal-breaking important, but that it's something that you're interested in. Tell him that you want to try different things, but have little experience so you don't know if you'll really like them or not. It's just a matter of laying your cards on the table, not making demands. The clearer BOTH of you are about each other's interests, experiences, needs vs wants, etc, the more able you'll be to decide if it's a good fit or not.

There are plenty of "dominant" (which means different things to different people) men out there, so don't be too worried if one or two or even ten of them decide you're not the one for them, or you decide they're not the one for you. There's always another just around the corner. Really, they're EVERYWHERE. Some days it feels like I'm tripping over them!

_____________________________

-- Sherri

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

(in reply to buttafly)

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