Only Positive?! (Full Version)

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AmandaPeace -> Only Positive?! (12/15/2013 9:50:03 AM)

I appreciate reading these experiences, I really do. And I'm also glad that you all had some positive experience meeting someone from CM.

I've never met someone here and off-hand I don't really plan to.

But don't you think it's just a little crazy that you're *only* allowed to post if you had a good experience?

That's some kind of crazy product review feature, right?

"Rate our product 1-10 and we'll publish your review on our website... as long as it's a 10"

That's not very helpful.

I get that it would be awkward if people were attacking others by name on here. That's no fun. But even allowing members to talk about bad experiences in the abstract would be a whole lot more responsible than just pretending that no one has bad experiences in this lifestyle or particularly meeting someone online.

That makes me think that there might be ten terrible stories for every good one.



myotherself -> RE: Only Positive?! (12/15/2013 9:53:08 AM)

There are many, many people who post about the negative things that have happened to them.

Lots and lots of them.

Ad nauseum, you might even say. [:'(]

But this particular section is for those people who DO have a positive experience and want to share it with everyone. The whiny pity-party name-calling threads usually end up in 'off topic'.




AmandaPeace -> RE: Only Positive?! (12/15/2013 9:59:17 AM)

Ah. And where's the space for that? Because I'm not seeing it just under this forum. Or anywhere.



myotherself -> RE: Only Positive?! (12/15/2013 10:03:40 AM)

Click on 'All Forums' at the top. Then scroll down to find 'off topic discussions'.



AmandaPeace -> RE: Only Positive?! (12/15/2013 10:10:28 AM)

Oh no. I've been to "off-topic discussions" and have scrolled through the first several pages. I've found no threads where people talk about the negative experiences they've had.

I have no doubt that if I looked at the next 10 pages after that I'd find some threads that meet that criteria somewhere, but the point stands.

This community makes a conscious and very prominent space for people to talk about *only* their positive experiences - actively solicits those stories. And if someone wants to present another point of view, they'll have to find their own space for it and they should expect to be ridiculed for sharing a negative experience.

And that's a creepy way to set up a system.



AmandaPeace -> RE: Only Positive?! (12/15/2013 10:36:39 AM)

Ah. And now I see that just asking that question is enough to get you censored and kicked out of the "Positive Experiences" section and cast down to "off-topic."

So you can't even take that much criticism?

That's sad.



kalikshama -> RE: Only Positive?! (12/15/2013 10:39:35 AM)

Yes, posts that are not appropriate for the category in which they were posted get moved. Go the General BDSM Discussion and you will see many MOVED posts on page 1 and 2.

Just as "What happened to my post?" and "Website problems with the photo buttons" are not a General BDSM Discussion, complaining about the Positive Experiences guidelines is not a Positive Experience.

This thread alone has 849 posts about people who would have led to bad experiences if the recipients had been unwise enough to meet them: Funny Messages from the "Other Side"







tazzygirl -> RE: Only Positive?! (12/15/2013 10:42:08 AM)

There are many posts in many forums about bad experiences. Do you need me to look some up for you?



xxblushesxx -> RE: Only Positive?! (12/15/2013 10:44:17 AM)

Open your own discussion board and run it as you like.



peppermint -> RE: Only Positive?! (12/15/2013 10:44:34 AM)

Why do you feel the need to read peoples' bad experiences? Why is that so important to you? How can these negative experience benefit you since you have no desire to meet anyone from here?

You can't find any negative experiences in Off Topic? Just look at the one under your thread called My First Experience W A Timewaster, or the one titled Drug Abuse. Those 2 are the first page of topics here. Apparently you scrolled too fast to spot the very topics you seek.

As for your post being moved, you have to admit you were not posting about a good experience. So why do you think your whine belonged there?



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Only Positive?! (12/15/2013 11:05:44 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: AmandaPeace

Ah. And now I see that just asking that question is enough to get you censored and kicked out of the "Positive Experiences" section and cast down to "off-topic."

So you can't even take that much criticism?

That's sad.


Off topic is a much busier board than Positive Experiences. If anything you will now get a greater readership for your complaint. Not what I would call 'censorship'.

There is a big thread discussing horrible private messages people have received (Think it's in polls and other snippets). We've had lots of threads where people discuss bad experiences and red flags (I started one myself a few months ago and it was pretty long). We get people on a daily basis complaining about fakes and flakes.

Yes, some people do get a hard time when they come in with their bad experience. Usually, it's because they are either repeating the same general complaint that is mentioned three times a week (there are lots of fakes, people don't answer my messages) OR because they come in here behaving very aggressively towards the posters who had nothing to do with their bad experience.

If you have a bad experience you'd like to share, then go ahead and post it. Just don't identify the user (I hope it's obvious to you why this isn't allowed) or replicate a current thread.



AmandaPeace -> RE: Only Positive?! (12/15/2013 11:09:31 AM)

I strongly suspect that meeting someone through a website with an immediate goal of putting one of them in bondage might lead to some crappy, even life-threatening situations.

So it's irresponsible on the border of criminal negligence to actively hide, delete, and deny these experiences, even attacking people for questioning forum "rules"

So yeah - I'd like to know what other people's experiences have genuinely been and I don't want to have that feedback heavily censored, particularly with an eye to omitting only the negative or even neutral experiences.

And yes - I think questioning the premise of a thread subject absolutely belongs under that subject and not elsewhere.




Apocalypso -> RE: Only Positive?! (12/15/2013 11:11:48 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: AmandaPeace
So it's irresponsible on the border of criminal negligence to actively hide, delete, and deny these experiences, even attacking people for questioning forum "rules"


Apart from that's not what happens to the posts, unless you name names.

Which you can't do, because libel laws.



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Only Positive?! (12/15/2013 11:20:16 AM)

Criminal negligence because they won't let you have your thread in a place specifically noted for positive experiences? That's a bit melodramatic, don't you think?

We're all grown ups here. We all make our own choices about what we consider to be acceptable risk. I personally would never have the 'immediate goal' of getting into bondage with someone I met online or in person - to me that would be an unacceptable risk. I don't expect the site to make that decision for me. If other people want to do that, fine. If they need someone to tell them this might be risky, then they're likely to get themselves into trouble sooner or later.

As we already said, people can and do discuss bad experiences here. It's not heavily censored at all, except that you can't identify specific people. Seems pretty reasonable to me.

If I told you that I met a guy on here and he did XYZ bad things to me, would that change the decisions you made about your own safety? I'm guessing not, because if you have half a brain cell you know bondage carries risk, and meeting strangers carries risk, and life in general carries risk - you know this already.

Nevertheless we can and do share negative experiences. They tend to be experiences with dating and/or BDSM in general rather than specifically collarme because actually the collarme part of it is just a bunch of profiles - you'd have the same bad experience wherever you meet the bad person. But collarme doesn't prevent people from telling their stories. They might fit in the general BDSM section, or in off topic, but they don't fit in the one section specifically designed for sharing positive experiences.



peppermint -> RE: Only Positive?! (12/15/2013 11:27:22 AM)

First, why would anyone let some stranger tie them up? That would be just plain stupid. Dating online here is like dating anywhere online. You have to be careful. You have to meet in safe places. You have to get to know each other and develop trust.

It has already been pointed out that negative experiences are allowed in the forums, just not in the Positive Experiences forum. Why does it bother you so much that there is a forum for positive experiences? I just don't get your agenda. Why is it bordering criminal to not allowed negative experiences to be posted in Positive Experiences. Why do you insist that they have to be there and nowhere else?

I have listed for you 2 cases of bad experiences on the very first page of the forum where you were told negative experiences would be listed. ( and where you obviously overlooked them) Once you have read those two cases please let me know. I will go on to page 2 and tell you the titles to the next negative experiences. Believe me, these negative experiences are not censored. They are genuine and easy to find.

There is a site you might be interested in. It's a site dedicated to Collarme fakes or some such nonsense. Google it. It's just your kind of place.



Apocalypso -> RE: Only Positive?! (12/15/2013 11:33:57 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint
There is a site you might be interested in. It's a site dedicated to Collarme fakes or some such nonsense. Google it. It's just your kind of place.

Hahahaha. That site's such a trainwreck. Last time I looked at it they were all arguing about whether the forum was dead or not.



myotherself -> RE: Only Positive?! (12/15/2013 11:40:37 AM)

There's also a group over on fetlife which seems to an endless whine-fest about why collarme is so mean to them.

They complain a lot about fakes and flakes, censorship (usually from the people who break the ToS and get a mod-slap for it) and crying about how collarme doesn't listen to them and change the site to fit their own personal needs.




AmandaPeace -> RE: Only Positive?! (12/15/2013 11:47:14 AM)

Okay, let me be a little more transparent.

A friend of mine was recently raped by a guy she met online.

It's been an exceedingly painful time since then and I've tried to help her through it, even though she's reluctant to even talk about it.

She doesn't want to even report it (which I find deeply frustrating), but I'm trying to find a way to be a good friend, to develop more of an analysis of this problem, and to help make sure it's at least a little less likely to happen to others.

I don't know what site she met this guy through, but she told me it "wasn't exactly a dating site" and it was related to BDSM. That sounds a lot like this site. But again, it might not be and that's mostly not the point anyway.

I'm not interested in demonizing this site or this lifestyle and I'm secretly plenty kinky myself to be honest. And I really appreciate this community's focus in places on safety and sanity. Truly.

But wouldn't it be better if people were at *least* allowed to talk about negative experiences up there at the top of the forum next to the super-prominent "positive stories" subject?

Can we think of a reason not to do that?

Negative experiences are a lot harder and more painful to share, frankly, but it's probably good to make an intentional space for them and to help people deal with them instead of attacking and marginalizing the victims.



thishereboi -> RE: Only Positive?! (12/15/2013 11:49:23 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AmandaPeace

Ah. And now I see that just asking that question is enough to get you censored and kicked out of the "Positive Experiences" section and cast down to "off-topic."

So you can't even take that much criticism?

That's sad.


No what is sad is you posted a off topic on positive experiences when you already knew what the forum was for. You even mentioned it in your op. Now you might have a point in making a seperate forum for negative experiences so they don't muck up the other forums. But to try and claim people can't mention negative experiences anywhere on the site is wrong. They can and they do all the time.



myotherself -> RE: Only Positive?! (12/15/2013 11:57:30 AM)

What we are trying to say is that you CAN talk about negative meets and experiences. The only things you need to bear in mind when you do so is that you can't name names and you need to find the correct forum to put it in. Positive experiences is there for people to post in about their positive meets with people they've met from collarme. It's a kinda "feelgood" place that gives people the chance to forget the negativity that flies around in many of the other parts of the messageboards and just...well, feel good!

You are certainly free to post about your (or your friend's) negative experiences on cm. The only changes you will see will occur if the mods decide it's more suited for a different forum or if you name names. This is not censorship. When you chose to join the site, you chose to abide by the site rules. These are the site rules.

Having said that, I suggest you read the boards and absorb some of the comments and info that is flying around. Whenever someone talks about meeting someone offline, you will always see some poster telling them to play safe, use the same rules that you would apply if you were meeting a 'nilla from a dating site, and don't do anything that would leave you helpless and at the mercy of a stranger. It's common sense really, but sometimes sense ain't so common when the urge for kink drowns out that little nagging voice that is saying "are you sure you want to meet that total stranger in a hotel room and let him/her tie you up? Are you absolutely sure that's sensible and safe?"





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