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Sub Side without Submission - 12/31/2013 9:32:11 PM   
pg4g


Posts: 296
Joined: 12/31/2013
From: Australia
Status: offline 		Hey guys,

I'm completely new to this, and have just begun to face what I'm into at the age of 25. I'm just trying to work out if heck there's something wrong with me, or what on earth I'd call myself, or what I am. I'm hoping you guys with a bit of knowledge about this might be able to help.

Since I was 9 or 10, I've always been aroused seeing men tied up, and being hurt, against their will. I always wished I could do the tying up... tie these strong guys down, and lash them... and I've always wished I was the one there, tied down against my will, fighting the pain and fighting the agony. Both thoughts turn me on equally, and they turn me on a LOT.

But the idea of submitting willingly to that, the idea of actually asking for that, that is a massive turn off, and the idea of the person I was whipping actually agreeing to it is just as much a turn off. I... can't think of anything more unappealing in my life, sexually.

So I guess I'm a switch, or what exactly am I? I'm not submissive, but I enjoy the domination... and the idea of fighting with another man and one of us winning and dominating over the other by force.

Thank you for any insight you could bring to help my confusion.

< Message edited by pg4g -- 12/31/2013 9:40:00 PM >
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Sub Side without Submission - 12/31/2013 9:39:18 PM   
MzMinx


Posts: 277
Joined: 12/26/2005
Status: offline 		Welcome to CM and your first steps

some people enjoy 'take downs', fighting against the submission/domination... wrestling physically and mentally for dominance is a valid kink.

Indeed its common enough that their are porn channels/films catering to it

You just need to find people who enjoy the same way of exploring things rather than those who desire willing submission



You might find groups specifically dedicated to such on Fetlife.com

Try searching for wrestling, take downs, non consensual consent on fetlife

(in reply to pg4g)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Sub Side without Submission - 12/31/2013 11:49:13 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		You're 25. I'm sure you think you're grown up, but you're just starting to find out who you really are and what you want out of life. For right now don't worry so much about the dom/sub labels, just explore who you are sexually and experiment with different kinds of kink. It's not necessary that you like or enjoy them all.


Do what turns you on, and allow yourself to grow into what and who you are. Finding yourself BDSM wise, like many things in life, is a process. Happily it's one that you can kick back, be patient, and just enjoy.


_____________________________



(in reply to pg4g)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Sub Side without Submission - 1/1/2014 2:56:00 AM   
Ilyrium


Posts: 189
Joined: 10/2/2013
Status: offline 		Lots of time to learn ...

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Sub Side without Submission - 1/1/2014 3:10:01 AM   
MAINEiacMISTRESS


Posts: 1180
Joined: 9/12/2012
Status: offline 		Keep in mind, fantasizing about non-consensual is one thing, but in reality it's considered ASSAULT and RAPE, and legally prosecutable. Therefore there needs to be SOME form of consent, such as an agreement with safe words in case things get out of hand for the recipient. Physical and mental abuse leave scars and trauma in the victim. Labeling it "BDSM" does not reduce these effects nor make it LEGAL.
Maturity means gaining self control and educating yourself about these things. It is a journey we all have taken.

Welcome to CollarMe. There are a lot of good threads here in the forums with tons of information to help you. I recommend you spend time reading them.
--MM

quote:

ORIGINAL: pg4g

Hey guys,

I'm completely new to this, and have just begun to face what I'm into at the age of 25. I'm just trying to work out if heck there's something wrong with me, or what on earth I'd call myself, or what I am. I'm hoping you guys with a bit of knowledge about this might be able to help.

Since I was 9 or 10, I've always been aroused seeing men tied up, and being hurt, against their will. I always wished I could do the tying up... tie these strong guys down, and lash them... and I've always wished I was the one there, tied down against my will, fighting the pain and fighting the agony. Both thoughts turn me on equally, and they turn me on a LOT.

But the idea of submitting willingly to that, the idea of actually asking for that, that is a massive turn off, and the idea of the person I was whipping actually agreeing to it is just as much a turn off. I... can't think of anything more unappealing in my life, sexually.

So I guess I'm a switch, or what exactly am I? I'm not submissive, but I enjoy the domination... and the idea of fighting with another man and one of us winning and dominating over the other by force.

Thank you for any insight you could bring to help my confusion.


(in reply to pg4g)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Sub Side without Submission - 1/1/2014 6:42:22 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

So I guess I'm a switch, or what exactly am I? I'm not submissive, but I enjoy the domination... and the idea of fighting with another man and one of us winning and dominating over the other by force.


You sound like a switch bottom/top.

Bottoms/tops are people who like the kinky sex but not the submission aspect.

These books were helpful for me when I was new to BDSM:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Bottoming-Book-Janet-Hardy/dp/1890159352/ref=sr_1_1
http://www.amazon.com/The-Topping-Book-Dossie-Easton/dp/B001TJV5DW/ref=sr_1_1_title_1_pap

(in reply to pg4g)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Sub Side without Submission - 1/1/2014 6:44:50 AM   
SweetAnise


Posts: 480
Joined: 8/23/2013
Status: offline 		Welcome to the forum. Take your time. Read, watch movies, join a local group, and just relax and learn. In time you will figure out who you are. Besides no one can tell you that but you.

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Sub Side without Submission - 1/1/2014 10:26:55 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Ilyrium

Lots of time to learn ...


Not only that, but if you decide you're a bottom/submissive/top/Dom... the decision's not irrevocable. You can always be learning, exploring, seeing what works for you.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Ilyrium)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Sub Side without Submission - 1/1/2014 5:29:41 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I would cal you a bottom or a Top or a kinkster, possibly a switch.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to pg4g)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Sub Side without Submission - 1/1/2014 5:49:23 PM   
FrostedFlake


Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline 		Worry less about what they call you and more about whether they call you.

You know the word, "Munch", right?

Oh, and, Hi!

_____________________________

Frosted Flake
simul justus et peccator
Einen Liebhaber, und halten Sie die Schraube

"... evil (and hilarious) !!" Hlen5

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Sub Side without Submission - 1/1/2014 6:44:51 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline 		Agree with all posts above. Please connect with your local community, read a lot, ask a lot of questions, and most of all...enjoy the journey.

Welcome to the boards. I hope we see more of you :-)

(in reply to FrostedFlake)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Sub Side without Submission - 1/1/2014 10:03:28 PM   
pg4g


Posts: 296
Joined: 12/31/2013
From: Australia
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate it.

You all seem pretty accepting of this. I read a little and found people saying stuff like "if you're not submitting, and you're fighting it, you're fighting your own desires and you need to stop" and so I got quite confused because I wasn't into standard D/S play. Thought maybe something was wrong with me. I was also somewhat worried about trying to get involved with a community of people that might start to say "you need to begin to submit properly or you're just denying yourself."

MzMinx, I had a look at FetLife. Completely agree that that's the type of stuff that interests me. Wrestling, fighting, and power struggles between me and my man really turn me on... the idea of losing, of fighting, of proving I can hack it if I lose, or of winning, dominating, and admiring this guy who can equally hack it. I just didn't realise this was a valid kink because everything I read said I was "doing it wrong".

ChatteParfaitt, heh, thanks. I'm certainly not thinking I'm all grown up. Still trying to work out the world, what I want, what I like. I guess I see life as an exploration, and I'm only 1/4 of the way through the story.

MAINEiacMISTRESS, thanks, yeah, I'm certainly very concerned about making sure that there is consent. While I love the fantasy of my man forcing me, it would have to be someone I trust, and someone I'd expressed my interest to. Someone who wasn't interested in destroying me, but taking me and showing me what I can endure. How strong I am. Same goes for if I was a top. I don't want to be a rapist. I want to build my guy up, give him what he needs and arouses him, not tear him down.

I suppose I've just read a lot that said "it must be traditional submission". I don't want my partner, to submit. A jerk fighting me back is so hot, and me fighting my dom is so hot too... Curious why it seems many areas of the BDSM community see submission as required with dominance?

Thanks all again for your replies and warm welcome.

(in reply to pg4g)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Sub Side without Submission - 1/2/2014 12:57:00 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Look, I try to be open minded and accepting. But for some people to insist that you are a sub, period, and your submission is based entirely upon what's in you is ridiculous.

Submission does not occur in a vacuum. It occurs within a relationship. Some people will bring out your submissiveness, and some won't.

There are also some in poly relationships, like ChatteParfait, who are submissive to one person in it, and Dominant toward others.

You have an obligation to find out what works for you. It could be Dom, sub, or both. But you're doing it for yourself, not for a bunch of strangers who will tell you what role you need to fill.

Okay, I'll get off my soapbox now.



_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to pg4g)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Sub Side without Submission - 1/2/2014 4:25:56 AM   
shadowborn61


Posts: 143
Joined: 11/5/2013
Status: offline 		Everyone is different and for someone to tell you that "you are doing it wrong" is just a load of bull, there is a wide spectrum of kink just as there is with anything in life and life is too short to allow someone elses narrow view to define who you are.
You view submission as a prize for the winner and that is great for you and the others who share in that kink. For myself i view my submission as a gift given freely with someone i respect and trust and that is great for me but neither viewpoint makes the other any less valid.
Do what makes you happy and the hell with those who say you are doing it wrong.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Sub Side without Submission - 1/2/2014 10:56:12 AM   
FriendlyMuppet


Posts: 171
Joined: 11/16/2010
From: Corpus Christi, Texas
Status: offline 		You're 25, which means this is a great time to start exploring and trying to figure out what really makes you tick. When I was 25, none of my superpowers even harvested yet, so I was still trying to figure out what kind of superhero I might be in the future. All kidding aside, I really didn't start to understand my perspective in this whole bdsm thing until I hit my thirties, because I hadn't even touched the surface of what there was to explore, thinking I knew everything each moment until I experienced something I hadn't imagined before that sensation or experience.

_____________________________

My Novels:
The Cell's Door: http://amzn.to/19I6VA1
Forced to Serve: http://amzn.to/108DByv

(in reply to shadowborn61)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Sub Side without Submission - 1/2/2014 10:07:20 PM   
FrostedFlake


Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline 		Keep in mind, you ARE doing it wrong. If you were doing it right, you would be vanilla.

_____________________________

Frosted Flake
simul justus et peccator
Einen Liebhaber, und halten Sie die Schraube

"... evil (and hilarious) !!" Hlen5

(in reply to FriendlyMuppet)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Sub Side without Submission - 1/20/2014 5:10:00 PM   
phoenixchild


Posts: 12
Joined: 10/16/2009
Status: offline 		Labels are not necessary in order for you to be true to yourself. In reality, labels can make things more confusing. If you have to label yourself, a plain kinkster would suffice. To me it sounds like you might be a switch, seeing as you enjoy the thought of being on either side - either the one being dominated or the one doing the domination. There are so many different labels out there that it can be very confusing!

Top/bottom usually refers to the participants in a particular scene, and normally only for that scene.
Dom/sub is usually more committed than for just one scene, more along what vanillas would call dating.
Master/slave is a more committed relationship, along the lines of a vanilla marriage.

A switch enjoys being either a Top or bottom, or being a Dom over someone, or being submissive to someone.

Finding a local community and getting involved with them would be very beneficial to your growth in this life! What ever you do, make sure you are happy with what you are doing :)

(in reply to FrostedFlake)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Sub Side without Submission - 1/20/2014 7:30:00 PM   
tiggerspoohbear


Posts: 19141
Joined: 6/27/2010
Status: offline 		Yet here I am in a Dom/sub relationship that is much more than dating. We live together, and consider each other much more committed, almost like a marriage. Gee, imagine that!

ETA: Sweeping generalizations are not always a good thing. Just sayin'......

< Message edited by tiggerspoohbear -- 1/20/2014 7:31:20 PM >

_____________________________

"RABBIT IS GOOD, RABBIT IS WISE".

"I'm a baaa-aaad pussycat".


(in reply to phoenixchild)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Sub Side without Submission - 1/20/2014 7:58:41 PM   
PastryGirlSF


Posts: 22
Joined: 1/19/2013
Status: offline 		Personally, the idea of exploring what I'm into with a stranger intimidates me to no end and turns me off like nothing else.
However, similar exploration with someone I know and trust is fun as hell.

Perhaps what you're experiencing is like this? You have your kinks, but need to be expressed with someone familiar rather than with just anyone.

To the above, I'd always interpreted the dynamics of T/b, D/s, and M/s to be more like this:
A Top/bottom dynamic exists in the bedroom/dungeon only for the context of play
Dom/sub extends outside of play, with the sub still expressing some free will and choice over her actions.
Master/slave extends outside of the bedroom with the slave surrendering all control and choices to her Master (a more extreme form of D/s)

(in reply to pg4g)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Sub Side without Submission - 1/20/2014 8:22:37 PM   
phoenixchild


Posts: 12
Joined: 10/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tiggerspoohbear

Yet here I am in a Dom/sub relationship that is much more than dating. We live together, and consider each other much more committed, almost like a marriage. Gee, imagine that!

ETA: Sweeping generalizations are not always a good thing. Just sayin'......

Hence the word 'usually', which is not all inclusive.

< Message edited by phoenixchild -- 1/20/2014 8:23:46 PM >

(in reply to tiggerspoohbear)
Profile   Post #: 20
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