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RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/22/2014 7:55:32 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline 		Fast Reply

You know, I still think my x-dom was my perfect dom, like at least 90% perfect, he could work a little more on emotional care, but hey, everyone comes with flaws!! For BDSM and outside of BDSM as well, the combination was once in a lifetime. I loved him soooo much, but he expect me to give up my cats. For those who thinks his unreasonable, he believes that my cats are more important than him to me, and he wanted me to prove it. And my cats are as good as my own birth children, my own blood, yes, that's unfortunately how I just feel towards them. They were strays, I took them in, they are mine for life. I got to admit even my x-husband always told his friend sthat when he was with me, he had to accept that he comes second to the cats. I guess I made men feel that way because I really love my cats and give them the best of everything and the best luxury I could afford.

But I would say, I love both equally and since cats are like children, and his an adult, I had to choose the one that needs me for survival, clearly the cats.

So I had my perfect one in my grasp but I could not give up what's important to me for him.

But I gave up alot for him, alot of my hobbies, even my socialising activities with my family and friends, things I used to do before he was in my life, I plan my entire schedule around his time, I would have gone to anywhere in the world he wants me to go with him, he practically dictated my whole life but he couldn't get me to shed the cats. I felt like I gave everything except one which I cannot give, but he always felt I never gave enough. I guess it's two points of view.

And frankly, every person I have said this to in the vanilla world (minus the fact it is a d/s relationship) has told me I don't love him enough because I refused to give up those cats for him. They sympathize with him always feeling like second best. And fact of the matter is, no matter how I try to explain to him, in hope he understands, he DOES feel, his not number 1.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 1/22/2014 8:06:54 AM >

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
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RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/22/2014 9:22:31 AM   
Spiritedsub2


Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline 		Well, I'm not in the vanilla world. I think your ex Dom was a total piece of shit for demanding you give up your pets to prove your love for him. And that is putting it mildly. I am very glad for you that you are free of that douchebag so you can find a decent human being next time.

_____________________________

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

Laughing Dolphin

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/22/2014 9:45:53 AM   
Runningkc


Posts: 51
Joined: 2/15/2010
Status: offline 		He
quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

Fast Reply

You know, I still think my x-dom was my perfect dom, like at least 90% perfect, he could work a little more on emotional care, but hey, everyone comes with flaws!! For BDSM and outside of BDSM as well, the combination was once in a lifetime. I loved him soooo much, but he expect me to give up my cats. For those who thinks his unreasonable, he believes that my cats are more important than him to me, and he wanted me to prove it. And my cats are as good as my own birth children, my own blood, yes, that's unfortunately how I just feel towards them. They were strays, I took them in, they are mine for life. I got to admit even my x-husband always told his friend sthat when he was with me, he had to accept that he comes second to the cats. I guess I made men feel that way because I really love my cats and give them the best of everything and the best luxury I could afford.

But I would say, I love both equally and since cats are like children, and his an adult, I had to choose the one that needs me for survival, clearly the cats.

So I had my perfect one in my grasp but I could not give up what's important to me for him.

But I gave up alot for him, alot of my hobbies, even my socialising activities with my family and friends, things I used to do before he was in my life, I plan my entire schedule around his time, I would have gone to anywhere in the world he wants me to go with him, he practically dictated my whole life but he couldn't get me to shed the cats. I felt like I gave everything except one which I cannot give, but he always felt I never gave enough. I guess it's two points of view.

And frankly, every person I have said this to in the vanilla world (minus the fact it is a d/s relationship) has told me I don't love him enough because I refused to give up those cats for him. They sympathize with him always feeling like second best. And fact of the matter is, no matter how I try to explain to him, in hope he understands, he DOES feel, his not number 1.


Him trying to force you to give up something that was so important to you was cruel and extremely selfish. HE did not love YOU enough. Happy you kept your babies.

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/22/2014 9:47:14 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		I would never give up my cats for someone. I wasn't even willing to give up my (male) sub.

You might have thought he was the (almost) perfect dom, but anyone who even asked you to do this is in my view an emotional cripple.

Expecting people to prove themselves is utter bull shit.

_____________________________



(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/22/2014 10:39:06 AM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I will not compromise on:


Ability to communicate and not being afraid to speak my mind



Who woulda thunk?

Stymied
Exiled

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

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RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/22/2014 10:43:44 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I will not compromise on:


Ability to communicate and not being afraid to speak my mind



Who woulda thunk?

Stymied
Exiled


Haha...you would think that would not be a problem, but after being with someone who had anger management issues, that became an issue.

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/22/2014 10:47:12 AM   
hlen5


Posts: 5890
Joined: 3/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

............... They were strays, I took them in, they are mine for life.



That's how I feel about pets. If you can't commit to an animal for the rest of it's life, you don't take it in.

There could be special exceptions (a family member develops a bad allergy, or losing your home) but it's still the owner's responsibility to find the pet a good home.

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(in reply to Greta75)
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RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/22/2014 10:56:15 AM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline 		Crap, sexy, I forgot the "/sarcasm on" function.

You've always been an upfront girl, even, composed, but not skeered to speak your mind. It's one of the many defining qualities that keeps your AWESOME rocking.

I was talking to someone the on the other side saying, that newbs come here and just don't get it. The /s's hold the keys to the city. Most people think it's the D you want to seek out for knowledge, mentoring, so on and so forth, and in their realm of interest, you will find glowing expertise. However, it is the /s's, the mature, well rounded, experienced ones that are the ones you want to seek out. D or /s, when you need a buffet of wisdom, experience, and knowledge it's the /s's that have more keys on their key rings.

Naturally this will slap many D egos in the crotch, but when they consider it, they'll get it. D's do what D's do, and /s's explore, prepare, and are exposed to a multitude of lifestyle aspects, because they're out to please, and the D is all about the hedonism (like me).

YMMV
Exiled

P.S. Should you have the overwhelming urge to tear into this post, be courteous and start a new thread. Blonderfluff deserves that kindness for such a thought provoking thread.

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/22/2014 10:56:29 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Part of the reason I wasn't able to leave my ex M was because of our dog. Sadly, the Baby died young of cancer, but after that I was finally able to move out.




Attachment (1)

(in reply to hlen5)
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RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/22/2014 10:57:36 AM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hlen5


quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

............... They were strays, I took them in, they are mine for life.



That's how I feel about pets. If you can't commit to an animal for the rest of it's life, you don't take it in.



As it should be. Much like ums.

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to hlen5)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/22/2014 11:02:43 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		I hear you. I am totally upfront and I am not afraid to speak my mind to anyone, in real life or online. What I was trying to say in my compromise list is that in my last relationship, I did say whatever I wanted to, but it was aggravating and depressing to have stayed with a guy who was so incapable of discussing anything, that it became easier to just fuck him and not talk about what I needed.

That of course, is my fault entirely, for staying with someone where I let our physical chemistry overwhelm my emotional needs.

And that is why I will never be with anyone where I feel I need to watch my words.

P.S. I would NEVER tear into you.....unless you told me to.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 1/22/2014 11:04:04 AM >

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)
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RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/22/2014 11:04:30 AM   
tiggerspoohbear


Posts: 19141
Joined: 6/27/2010
Status: offline 		Love is never having to prove yourself to make someone else go "neener neener".

I've found my partner. Both of us did a lot of talking before moving on in the relationship. We agreed on the major & minor stuff. IMO a lot of it has to do with the fact that we've both been unhappy with what we now recognize were the wrong people. We've learned from that, taken away what was good and we've been doing well.

< Message edited by tiggerspoohbear -- 1/22/2014 11:05:15 AM >

_____________________________

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"I'm a baaa-aaad pussycat".


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RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/22/2014 11:15:27 AM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1



That of course, is my fault entirely, for staying with someone where I let our physical chemistry overwhelm my emotional needs.




I too am guilty of such silliness. I had a nilla girl over the summer that I finally had to kick to the curb, too much to list went wrong there, nilla being #1. So I had an interesting dialogue with mom a few months later:

Mom: soooo... Do you miss her?
Me: does it matter, you know I am a very final type person.
Mom: do you miss her a little?
Me: (trying to exercise great tact) um, a bit.
Mom: soooo... Wot do you miss?
Me: it doesn't matter, done is done.
Mom: (digging for gossip so she can call everyone) oh come on, what do you miss?
Me: mom, I'd rather not talk about it.
Mom: so was it all that bad?
Me: nope, just don't want to talk about it.
Mom: hey mister, you're sposed to talk to your mom about this stuff, it helps the healing process... So what do you miss?
Me: if you must know, I miss dad calling the police because he thought I was killing her.
Mom: huh? I didn't hear this story.
Me: well, he only lives a hundred yards from me, heard her screaming and called the cops.
Mom: what the hell were you doing to her?
Me: banging her out,
Mom: oh my god! I don't want to hear this!
Me: you asked what I missed.
Mom: shut up!

Exiled

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/22/2014 12:37:31 PM   
Blonderfluff


Posts: 2253
Joined: 10/9/2013
From: Down the Shore
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1



That of course, is my fault entirely, for staying with someone where I let our physical chemistry overwhelm my emotional needs.




I too am guilty of such silliness. I had a nilla girl over the summer that I finally had to kick to the curb, too much to list went wrong there, nilla being #1. So I had an interesting dialogue with mom a few months later:

Mom: soooo... Do you miss her?
Me: does it matter, you know I am a very final type person.
Mom: do you miss her a little?
Me: (trying to exercise great tact) um, a bit.
Mom: soooo... Wot do you miss?
Me: it doesn't matter, done is done.
Mom: (digging for gossip so she can call everyone) oh come on, what do you miss?
Me: mom, I'd rather not talk about it.
Mom: so was it all that bad?
Me: nope, just don't want to talk about it.
Mom: hey mister, you're sposed to talk to your mom about this stuff, it helps the healing process... So what do you miss?
Me: if you must know, I miss dad calling the police because he thought I was killing her.
Mom: huh? I didn't hear this story.
Me: well, he only lives a hundred yards from me, heard her screaming and called the cops.
Mom: what the hell were you doing to her?
Me: banging her out,
Mom: oh my god! I don't want to hear this!
Me: you asked what I missed.
Mom: shut up!

Exiled

Omg.
You said "banging her out" to your MOM!!

You are Exiled for a reason....

_____________________________

Don't fear moving forward slowly...fear standing still.



I'm Blonde. Jane Blonde.

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/22/2014 12:46:39 PM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline
quote:




Omg.
You said "banging her out" to your MOM!!

You are Exiled for a reason....


Language is more of an art tool than a skill tool. Proper use will shut down a conversation you don't want to have.

Jus sayin
Exiled

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to Blonderfluff)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/22/2014 12:58:06 PM   
Blonderfluff


Posts: 2253
Joined: 10/9/2013
From: Down the Shore
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant


quote:




Omg.
You said "banging her out" to your MOM!!

You are Exiled for a reason....


Language is more of an art tool than a skill tool. Proper use will shut down a conversation you don't want to have.

Jus sayin
Exiled

~note to self. If Exiled responds to questions with one word answers, end the conversation before he makes you blush~

_____________________________

Don't fear moving forward slowly...fear standing still.



I'm Blonde. Jane Blonde.

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/22/2014 1:43:54 PM   
tiggerspoohbear


Posts: 19141
Joined: 6/27/2010
Status: offline 		*Note to self: There WAS a way to shut my mom up

*2nd note to self: Now I know how to get my relatives to shut their yaps when necessary!!

_____________________________

"RABBIT IS GOOD, RABBIT IS WISE".

"I'm a baaa-aaad pussycat".


(in reply to Blonderfluff)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/22/2014 6:54:58 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
There could be special exceptions (a family member develops a bad allergy, or losing your home) but it's still the owner's responsibility to find the pet a good home.

I would have moved away from that family member or make that family member eat antihistamine. I just treat them as if they were my human children and if someone develop an allergy to my human children, do as I would do if they were humans. Finding them another "good home" certainly not what people do with human children.
Anyway, that's the depth of my love for them, I just need to find a man who understands that and doesn't feel threatened by it.


< Message edited by Greta75 -- 1/22/2014 6:55:56 PM >

(in reply to hlen5)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/22/2014 7:01:47 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:


Well, I'm not in the vanilla world. I think your ex Dom was a total piece of shit for demanding you give up your pets to prove your love for him. And that is putting it mildly. I am very glad for you that you are free of that douchebag so you can find a decent human being next time.


He is someone who ticked 90% of my boxes. And that is what this thread is about, if someone met most of your expectations, what would you give up for him? I just feel sad that, the price he wanted was too high for me to pay. I definitely know women who have rehomed their pets for the sake of their partners, it's simply a perception of what is more important. He just wanted me to rehome them, he told me surely I can find someone else who will care for them as good as I cared for them. One of his reason is also, he find the cats a unnecessary burden, he travels alot for work and would like to take me with him, but with my responsibility for the cats, that was not possible.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 1/22/2014 7:03:57 PM >

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/22/2014 7:13:40 PM   
Spiritedsub2


Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

quote:


Well, I'm not in the vanilla world. I think your ex Dom was a total piece of shit for demanding you give up your pets to prove your love for him. And that is putting it mildly. I am very glad for you that you are free of that douchebag so you can find a decent human being next time.


He is someone who ticked 90% of my boxes. And that is what this thread is about, if someone met most of your expectations, what would you give up for him? I just feel sad that, the price he wanted was too high for me to pay. I definitely know women who have rehomed their pets for the sake of their partners, it's simply a perception of what is more important. He just wanted me to rehome them, he told me surely I can find someone else who will care for them as good as I cared for them. One of his reason is also, he find the cats a unnecessary burden, he travels alot for work and would like to take me with him, but with my responsibility for the cats, that was not possible.

This is not what you said in your original post about your ex Dom wanting you to get rid of your cats. You didn't say anything about "rehoming" or needing to be available to travel. You said he wanted you to get rid of them to prove your love for him. This is what you said:

"I loved him soooo much, but he expect me to give up my cats. For those who thinks his unreasonable, he believes that my cats are more important than him to me, and he wanted me to prove it."

And that is what I responded to - the story of the "Dom" who left you because you wouldn't give up your pets to prove your devotion to him. And I stand by my assessment of his character.

_____________________________

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

Laughing Dolphin

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 60
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